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I haven’t posted in a while and I’ve been feeling ok about the break up in July. I’m going out with friends and concentrating on work/hobbies.

 

I have been in regular friendly contact with my ex after I unblocked him, and it hasn’t been effecting me until now. Recently I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. He will contact me all the time, which is fine but unusual for an ex, always friendly and sometimes flirty. We have been spending some time together recently too, watching films, going shopping etc. We sometimes spend the night together and he cuddles me through the night. We always have a great time together. (No sex even though he would like to).

He calls me fairly regularly either just for a chat or advice. His parents (who were a huge issue) know we talk all the time and see each other.

 

After we seem to be getting closer he will pull away and maybe not contact me for a day.

 

The thing that has confused me the most is for Christmas he has got me some really thoughtful gifts. One is a heart necklace. This doesn’t seem to be a gift you get a friend (or whatever the hell we are).

 

Do I just keep enjoying his company and not read too much into this? I still want to get back together, rightly or wrongly it’s the way I feel.

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Are you expressing to him what you want out of this?

 

Have you had a discussion on why you are hanging out more and what you want out of it?

 

It does seem like he is pushing for something more, but at present, without a discussion, you are both just hanging in Limbo.

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I don’t think it’s mixed. You’re making it that way. If he wanted to be back together in a committed relationship he’d want you to know so that you don’t look for other guys or get snapped up by someone else. And because he’d want you to know how he felt. I’d take it at face value. He enjoys hanging out and cuddling and being affectionate and he’d be happy to have sex if you wanted to. You can ask him his intentions but I think the only mixed signals here are the ones you’re giving yourself.

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It doesn’t sound mixed, it sounds like he wants to get back together— the talks, the affection, the necklace. The question is—do you?

 

My first instinct is that he’s showing signs of getting back together but then if that is what he wanted surely he would just say that?

 

I honestly don’t know if I do. I love him and would like to get back together but whether it would work or not is the thing I would need to think about.

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So yes you have to balance fear against your goal. First figure out if you want to get back together. If he would have sex right now that tells me he’s content having a casual arrangement since otherwise he’d first want to clarify your future intentions. I’d stop seeing him casually all together if you’re not sure. Either all in or all out so you’re not tempted to read into “signals”. I’d tell him - if you want to get back together - “I really enjoy hanging out with you and because we were serious in the past it’s not worth it to me to get attached again unless we have the same intentions for the future.

 

My husband and I broke up after a serious relationship and got back together. We approached it very differently than your approach because the top priority was to see if this time we’d get married so we didn’t take the risks you’re taking of creating confusion. Especially after a serious relationship it can be a fragile and vulnerable time if you’re thinking of getting back together and how you approach it can be a significant factor in whether it works.

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So yes you have to balance fear against your goal. First figure out if you want to get back together. If he would have sex right now that tells me he’s content having a casual arrangement since otherwise he’d first want to clarify your future intentions. I’d stop seeing him casually all together if you’re not sure. Either all in or all out so you’re not tempted to read into “signals”. I’d tell him - if you want to get back together - “I really enjoy hanging out with you and because we were serious in the past it’s not worth it to me to get attached again unless we have the same intentions for the future.

 

My husband and I broke up after a serious relationship and got back together. We approached it very differently than your approach because the top priority was to see if this time we’d get married so we didn’t take the risks you’re taking of creating confusion. Especially after a serious relationship it can be a fragile and vulnerable time if you’re thinking of getting back together and how you approach it can be a significant factor in whether it works.

 

Thank you. So what is your advice on how to approach it as you have been through a break up and reconciliation yourself?

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After we seem to be getting closer he will pull away and maybe not contact me for a day.

 

This is very telling. I'm reading all of this as that he wants uncommitted sex. What was the reason for the breakup? I'm assuming he did the breaking up since you want him back. He didn't care enough then to work on things. Instead, he dumped you. Most of the time, history repeats itself unless a major epiphany has occurred. Once the newness of getting back together wore off, he'd break up all over again.

 

If you feel the need to try, however, have the discussion now before wasting anymore time, i.e. "We've been enjoying spending time together. What is it that you foresee for us? Staying just friends, or do you want to try again?"

 

Yes, you're risking disappointment and/or embarrassment, but it's better than keeping your hopes up and assuming this is leading to a place it's not.

 

And if you don't get back together, go no contact. It's preventing you from finding a guy who will make you his priority. A decent guy will stop dating you when he finds out you're communicating and hanging out with an ex. This "friendship" has an expiration date for your own good, so start the new year without your past dragging it down. Good luck.

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"Around 9 months into the relationship external pressures from his family began (they have never liked any of his girlfriends), they made him spend a week away from me to consider what he wants. He agreed as they were planning to help him financially and threatened to not help. After this week they told him that we were “not allowed” to spend nights together during the week and when he moved out I was not allowed to even leave a toothbrush at his house. HE’S A FULLY-GROWN MAN!"

Has any of this changed?

 

And, what about his debilitating depression?

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"Around 9 months into the relationship external pressures from his family began (they have never liked any of his girlfriends), they made him spend a week away from me to consider what he wants. He agreed as they were planning to help him financially and threatened to not help. After this week they told him that we were “not allowed” to spend nights together during the week and when he moved out I was not allowed to even leave a toothbrush at his house. HE’S A FULLY-GROWN MAN!"

Has any of this changed?

 

And, what about his debilitating depression?

 

Honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t witnessed enough recently to know and it’s not something we have discussed. We’ve just been enjoying each other’s company although it does feel like he wants to get back together but there is a barrier stopping him. That’s how it feels anyway.

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"Dinner was fine, had a chat and a laugh. Went back to his and he did try and hook up. I stopped him and said unless we’re going to try again it’s not something I can do. He doesn’t want to try again so I left. No drama. I’ve re-blocked and looking forward now. There’s no more “what if’s” and I won’t accept an invitation again. I’m not upset, slightly disappointed but I need to focus on me now."

What happened to the blocking? You keep on going round and round with this guy. he has shown you repeatedly that he is NOT capable of a relationship, nor does he want one. Why are you doing this to yourself? This is really unhealthy.

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"Dinner was fine, had a chat and a laugh. Went back to his and he did try and hook up. I stopped him and said unless we’re going to try again it’s not something I can do. He doesn’t want to try again so I left. No drama. I’ve re-blocked and looking forward now. There’s no more “what if’s” and I won’t accept an invitation again. I’m not upset, slightly disappointed but I need to focus on me now."

What happened to the blocking? You keep on going round and round with this guy. he has shown you repeatedly that he is NOT capable of a relationship, nor does he want one. Why are you doing this to yourself? This is really unhealthy.

 

I unblocked him a while ago. I feel ok about it just a bit confused because I feel like he’s giving mixed signals. I’m not as emotional as I was before and it does feel different this time. Perhaps it is unhealthy but it not easy to walk away from someone you love.

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I unblocked him a while ago. I feel ok about it just a bit confused because I feel like he’s giving mixed signals. I’m not as emotional as I was before and it does feel different this time. Perhaps it is unhealthy but it not easy to walk away from someone you love.

 

I have, and so have most on this forum. You have to love yourself enough to walk away from something that is harmful. You are not helpless, and had a life before this guy.

 

I wonder why you ask us for advise? You have posted many threads on this guy, and have agreed he is not good for you, and you will block him and be done. We have all advised you to be done with him, and you agree. I think that it is disrespectful to this forum to continue to repost with the same scenario, over and over, if you have no desire to follow our advice.

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After we seem to be getting closer he will pull away and maybe not contact me for a day.

 

This stood out for me too. It's like he wants to hang out with you, maybe even have casual sex but for you not to take any of it seriously.

Maybe he is still worried what his family will think so he pulls back not wanting you to get too attached.

 

Honestly, it sounds bogus to me. I personally wouldn't want to live in limbo like that.

You should just ask him if you're going to be together or not.

But him using you for a sometimes girlfriend without the commitment, sounds really lame and kind of sad.

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I unblocked him a while ago. I feel ok about it just a bit confused because I feel like he’s giving mixed signals. I’m not as emotional as I was before and it does feel different this time. Perhaps it is unhealthy but it not easy to walk away from someone you love.

 

 

You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last and this is going to sound accusatory but I promise you, it’s not, you need to hear this:

 

You are lying to yourself.

 

You are not ok with any of this.

 

There is no healthy reason to continue any of this.

 

He either wants to be with you or he doesn’t.

 

There is no living breathing feeling human being on this planet who has been dumped and hurt by their ex and then suddenly were emotionally ok with just ‘chilling’. I’d call the Guinness book of records but this post is a testament that you aren’t ok with any of this.

 

So my question to you is when are you going to look it for your emotional and mental wellbeing?

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You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last and this is going to sound accusatory but I promise you, it’s not, you need to hear this:

 

You are lying to yourself.

 

You are not ok with any of this.

 

There is no healthy reason to continue any of this.

 

He either wants to be with you or he doesn’t.

 

There is no living breathing feeling human being on this planet who has been dumped and hurt by their ex and then suddenly were emotionally ok with just ‘chilling’. I’d call the Guinness book of records but this post is a testament that you aren’t ok with any of this.

 

So my question to you is when are you going to look it for your emotional and mental wellbeing?

She thinks he will suddenly morph into a different person. He has shown her repeatedly through his actions that this has no future, yet she still goes back for more craziness.

 

OP, are you usually attracted to dramatic nowhere relationships. Do you usually allow men to treat you poorly and string you along. Just recently you clearly stated he was using you as a FWB.

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She thinks he will suddenly morph into a different person. He has shown her repeatedly through his actions that this has no future, yet she still goes back for more craziness.

 

OP, are you usually attracted to dramatic nowhere relationships. Do you usually allow men to treat you poorly and string you along. Just recently you clearly stated he was using you as a FWB.

 

Well we did have a FWB thing but I ended that. This is not what is happening now. His actions seem to be more like he is interested in possibly rekindling things hence the post. I can’t really explain it properly but it really does not feel like he’s using me. He’s not getting sex so what has he got to gain from the constant communication and buying me a fairly romantic Christmas gift.

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Some people need to bang their heads against the same wall over and over to understand that you don't treat a bruise by, well, repeatedly bruising yourself. Regardless of where this goes, OP, that's the state of things at the moment.

 

His signals aren't mixed at all. His signals, really, are the same as yours. You're mirroring each other.

 

He likes things exactly how they are, which is essentially getting the perks of the relationship without the pressures and responsibility of, you know, being in a relationship. You've tried that, after all, and it didn't work. You're both scared of trying it again, so you're instead engaging in this nebulous space and pretending it's cool. You're doing what a lot of people do in early dating, what is sometimes essential in dating, except you're doing it knowing you're largely incompatible.

 

Own that you are just as active a participant in this dynamic as he is; the question comes down to whether your intentions are the same as is, or at odds.

 

Depending on your disposition, there's a good chance that, the longer you hold this space, the greater the chance of pain and confusion on the horizon. That's because this space, for whatever genuine feelings and connection inside of it, is a way for both of you to avoid the real pain and confusion of your relationship being over. That's because the intentions rarely line up; if they did, after all, you would be together. You would know exactly what the necklace meant.

 

Some personal stories from a fellow (semi-reformed) headbanger that may help give you some perspective:

 

1. At 30 I ended a passionate, loving, highly toxic relationship of 3 years. Deep down I was not confused. I was done, free of that, excited to move forward to whatever was next. But I was also a human with all the urges of humans—for affection, connection, intimacy, for sex. After two months apart my ex came to me and presented an idea: let's just hang and have sex and not talk about what any of it meant. Great! So that's what we did, for about another year, essentially being in a relationship without being in a relationship.

 

Big difference: she was not done, emotionally, not like I was. She wanted to get back together, saw this limbo state as a sly path toward reconciliation. Her thinking was: BC will "freak out" if I try to have a direct conversation (which was fact), but maybe if we just do this long enough he'll see how great it all is (not fact). I was dating others, eventually met someone I wanted to get serious about, and put a firm end to the limbo days. She was devastated. Talk to her today—after many years of not talking, we're back in touch, close—and she'll tell you that was the most painful chapter of our romance for her. The chapter she most regrets, the chapter that left her feeling weak, gutted, used, cynical, and humiliated, in large part because she had to accept her own responsibility in creating a dynamic that disempowered her. She rewarded my selfishness without getting the intended reward.

 

2. At 34 a woman I so deeply loved (the one I exited the above limbo for) broke up with me. We had a truly great, healthy, respectful relationship. But she was craving independence, being on her own—a deep inner craving that predated us getting together. Of course, she is also a human being with those same human urges: affection, intimacy, sex. She loved me, didn't want to lose me, liked the idea of having me around while also being "independent"—an understandable desire (cake is great; getting to eat it too even greater) if also a selfish one. She hoped, on some level, that she could scratch her independent itch and then return to me—also an understandable desire, if an impossible one.

 

For well over a year we continued sleeping together—not regularly, since we were in different cities, but whenever we saw each other. I very much wanted to get back together, but didn't want to bring it up, didn't want her to "freak out," so I was in the position that my earlier ex had been in with me. I was rewarding the selfishness of another, hoping to be rewarded by reconciliation. I have a high threshold for gray areas, for better or worse, so it wasn't a devastating period for me. I knew the risks, knew the odds. I dated others, eventually got into another relationship, and our limbo kind of just dissolved without any drama.

 

Well, at least not between us. Limbos are limbos, always messy. The relationship I got into was not healthy, in part because I had feelings for someone else during the first year. So I was sort of selfishly using my new gf to mute the pain caused by the selfishness of my ex. Not cool. Not the stuff of happily ever after, but the stuff of tension and resentment and toxicity, which eventually blew up after a few years. I got burned pretty bad at the end of that. Kind of felt like a reckoning, to be honest.

 

I'm not one for regrets, but I am one for learning. That's a decade of life and love for me—much of it beautiful, but also pretty murky, huh? I'd imagine reading through that you might cringe a bit as people here are cringing at your story. You might (or I hope) very clearly see what you can't see for yourself: that this sort of thing is not the road to sweetness.

 

Letting go is hard, I know. But time is finite—remember that, and just note that this is how you're spending your time right now. If you'd like to spend it differently you have all the power. You can talk to him, clearly state what you want, and move forward based on how that goes instead of turning a necklace into a sign from the gods. A necklace is a necklace. Sex is sex. Cuddling is cuddling. Murk is murk.

 

If you'd like to keep swimming in the murk, you can do that too. But don't look to his signals for guidance—they're all smoke screens, regardless of his feelings and intentions. Take a moment to look at your signals, and find the bravery to go in the direction in which they genuinely point.

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Well we did have a FWB thing but I ended that. This is not what is happening now. His actions seem to be more like he is interested in possibly rekindling things hence the post. I can’t really explain it properly but it really does not feel like he’s using me. He’s not getting sex so what has he got to gain from the constant communication and buying me a fairly romantic Christmas gift.

 

You’re right it doesn’t make sense, but just because it doesn’t make sense doesn’t mean he wants to be with you.

 

you two were dating eight? So he is perfectly capable of asking you to be his girlfriend.

 

With dealing of the heart, I tend to be glass half empty, everyone’s different, and that’s fine, but to protect my heart and sanity I am learning to accept what people show me. In this case he is showing you he wants you in his life on his terms, if you’re ok with it be ok with it. Own that though. If you’re choosing to accept all this, what’s the point in analyzing? He will let you know where things are headed when he’s ready.

 

I know that sounds harsh but it’s literally your reality, you allowed yourself to be in this, he’s at the wheel, you’re a passenger and if he decides to choose you over his family awesome if not, well be prepared for that second fall, but please remind yourself this is your choice. You can choose to stand up for yourself, you can choose to tell him hat until he makes a decision about what he wants you can’t continue to hurt yourself, you can, but for whatever reason you convinced yourself it’s better to have him in your life hurting and confusing you than not at all

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If he does want you back, it's for an FWB arrangement, just like you had prior to your breakup, precisely what you didn't want, and one of the reasons why you broke up in the first place!

 

Well we did have a FWB thing but I ended that. This is not what is happening now. His actions seem to be more like he is interested in possibly rekindling things hence the post.

 

He's acting that way now, because he likes you better from a distance, meaning not in any sort of "defined relationship," he feels more open and freer with his feelings that way. This is very obvious to me, not sure why it's not to you. You really need to get smarter ERose otherwise your heart will continue getting trampled on, time and time again.

 

Frankly, he sounds like the classic commitmentphobe, I hate to keep labeling these guys (not just this guy) but I just read your previous thread, he is such a classic case.

 

Trust me if you do get back into a "relationship," it will go right back to how it was before, you feeling like nothing more than a FWB, if that's what you want, go for it!

 

Somehow I don't think it is though.

 

Be honest with and true to yourself first and foremost.

 

Forget about him, his issues are too great for you to even think about any sort of "relationship" with him other than FWB or FB, which is what he wants and why he's behaving this way.

 

I mean you said yourself in an earlier post, he's pushing for sex.

 

If he wanted an exclusive committed relationship with you, he'd be telling you that, discussing it with you, and NOT pushing for sex, he wouldn't have even mentioned sex!!

 

Guy is a creep as far as I'm concerned. Period end of.

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