Post break up depression, should I call her?

I. Now

I have trouble sleeping and thinking straight. I feel like a failure, not worthy of love. I don't know what I should do with my life from now on.

II. About me in general

I am 28, I have a degree in Business and Management, I used to have a huge passion for jazz and rock music, I used to make songs and practice new music for the most of the last 14 years. I was raised by my single mom, and I have 2 brothers, I am in the middle. I usually seem very indecisive about my life, especially when I have to make big decisions. Unluckily, I put myself into situations where I have to decide quite often. I have been living in Denmark for the past 18 months but I came home to where I grew up, for Christmas.

III. Our relationship and how it started

I met her 28 months ago in a bar. She is 2 years younger. We started talking when I approached her and we immediately arranged our next date, from then on we've been dating for nearly 2 years. It was an on and off relationship but mostly because of me.

I knew I wanted to move to Denmark because of the better financial possibilities for studying a new degree and because of learning a new language. My Mom told me I should study a 2 years master programme instead but I went to choose the 4 year bachelor programme in Teaching.

Although I loved her and care for her deeply and honestly, I had doubts about our relationship. SOme things bothered me constantly: her Mom was a bit annoying and fat, their house was too messy and filled with old furnitures that didn't match each other, she had weight and hormone issues but only some visceral fat, and fat around her arm and on her back and ass a bit. She was still very sexy to me. But sometimes during and after sex I felt not satisfied because I wanted to have sex with a more sexy woman. At his point she's been struggling with hormone issues for over 2 years and she especially gained weight because of her bad diet and because of stopping playing handball in he local club after 10 years. I kind of felt that we also have conflicts over how we think about travel, spending money. She was always more into saving up, and more into short travels abroad.

IV. My Mom's comments

My doubts about our common future grew stronger and stronger as I wasn't addressing these issues that I mentioned because I was afraid of hurting her and crushing her self image, or her self-worth. I wanted to make sure that I commit to her, but I couldn't get myself have this feeling.

My Mom starting saying things like "All my friends and also your brother are saying that you should find a better looking girlfriend, because you're much more good-looking" "Do you want to have a fat wife after having given birth to kids? Because you can be sure about that with her" "She has an extremely kind and beautiful soul, but her Mom is pushing her into wanting to clinge to you and not let you be free" "You should experience more relationships and not settle with the first girl" "You can encourage her to diets and exercise but she is not motivated, because she feels comfortable next to you". THe first time I told about that I am dating her to my Mom she asked for pictures of her, then she said "It's a pity, she hasn't got blonde hair and she is brown, and it is a pity that she seems to be the type who gets fat over time". I am really angry that I let myself be influenced by these comments.

These comments by my Mom messed up my thoughts. I wanted to develop commitment but I always had to fight the thoughts that she won't be able to change. I wanted to believe that she can change anything she wants, but partially because of my Mom's comments and my limited way of thinking I didn't believe that she would ever start a diet or start exercising in a dedicated way.

V. Other conflicts and the beauties

When we met I was sure that in a short time I will move to Denmark to study. She convinced me to stay and save more money and those 9 months although filled with doubts still were the most beautiful and romantic times in my life. My working style was scattered, I am not organized person. I have achievements in my life such as a research on Sustainable Business Strategies, I worked for companies that represent a status. I had to discover that my way of thinking is shallow. It might stem from my Mom, that I place so much value on externals, such as appearance and status. To me, she represented status as well, because she is a translator/interpreter with freelancing experience in translating movies, she is a project manager in a translation bureau, she has a driving licence and a car, she is really into sports and she has a very rich taste in music. We connected a lot in the way we treat our families with dedication and care, our musical tastes, our life stories as we both were raised in kind of low income families, where the family has a lot of interpersonal conflicts that go way back in time. She helped me become more organized in managing my time and money, I helped her becoming more conscious about her diet/exercise and about finding her passion for life. I often told her that I would like to be more into creative activities where she creates are or music. I didn't recognize that the loyalty and dedication that she has towards the translation business and the dedication that she started developing for healthy eating/exercise was stronger than my dedication to what I wanted out of life.

Now that we broke up she chats with my Mom without me knowing - they both as each other how are you doing, and she still has some books she borrowed from my Mom, that she wants to read.

VI. The dealbreakers

I broke up with her before I moved to Denmark after 9 months into our relationship. I did that because I felt that my doubts are not going away, I have to work on them alone maybe because it is not fair with her that I have these inner doubts and I put her at risk of wasting her time with me. We didn't talk for 3 months and then we started talking again. We were talking for 4 months again and then I broke up again on the same basis and also because we weren't officially together we were just talking everyday, chatting all day long in a LDR.

I had dreams about becoming a musician, a cartoon animator, a designer, as side hustles, starting a business doing workshops for children. I never felt ready to start any of these endeavors, I was more like constantly dreaming about them, not being present in the jobs I had, or in the relationship I was. I was constantly looking for people to inspire me into dong more creative work: writing more songs, making more art in my free time. Instead of realizing that I could just find an OK job in marketing maybe and do some technical courses and private classes on the side. I started convincing myself that moving to Denmark and learning anew language will be a great idea.

After our second breakup we got back together again by me calling her apologizing for being stupid and telling that I realized that if a relationship has conflicts or problems it is not the solution to throw it out of the window but rather to fix them, especially if there is such a strong conviction in one or both parties that the other person is worth the fight.

I don't want to discover that it all happened because I am lonely and miserable. Because it is true that I am conflicted inside about what was the real issue in our relationship, but I am sure I also have love for her.

We stayed together for another 6 months and we saw each other only 3 times for 1 week. Out of which the first one I was sick. But she took care of me. We didn't talk about our future at all. We didn't talk about what we want. I couldn't decide if I want to finish the study programme I started in Denmark (Teacher Education), because I felt I actually stepped back from where I was in life, in order to achieve something that I didn't define specifically enough, I thus sacrificed my secure environment with friends and family, my relationship and I also chose a situation where i make much less money to study something I wasn't hundred percent sure about. I wanted to become a music teacher mos importantly, but I also appreciated the fact that I could teach 4 subjects, and so I could combine some of my interests from Business studies with music.

We didn't talk about if we can see each other as life partners, we didn't get to talk about how many children we want and when. She once mentioned maybe she will only have a baby by the age of 40 but she wants to work on it that she can be healthy enough to have one earlier - so I though around 33. That means in 7 years for me.

= years could be enough to build something together, especially from the basis of such a romantic start. She said that it makes her feel insecure that I always want to change my direction in education and professional life, instead of sticking with what I have and trying to make the most of it: Business studies. But the problem is that I feel like business studies is about nothing specific, I want to put my heart into something. But I cannot find enough passion, apart from playing and learning jazz piano alone and in bands, or teaching music, I don't have my heart in a specific industry. That's why I am attracted to random images of becoming an engineer, a graduate in law, a designer, a masseuse.

In the 6th month I dropped into deep depression about where my life is headed, I felt that she is a burden to me and I am a burden to her. I told her I don't see a point in seeing each other again, because we don't know where we are headed. She wrote a letter to me saying, is it too late talk about these things? It might be. But I cannot live this life of uncertainty. I am not sure if he loves me, and that is a huge issue in our relationship. I want to see more commitment from him. I don't want to go mad. I want to relax. If it's necessary I want to grief this relationship and let it go. This was her final note. But we had a final video call, where we both agreed that we would say goodbye smiling at each other, for being grateful for all that this relationship gave us.

VII. What to do now?

In the past 4 months I experienced some of the deepest and most painful depressions of my life. I totally lost my sense of self-worth. I could have been free to start dating again, but I knew I need time to rediscover myself, to find my passion, to do something new, make myself feel alive. But I didn't do anything, and things got worse. I am working as a waitor in an Italian restaurant which I hate. I like that they treat me like family, I get food from them which is sometimes unhealthy, I get to practice all 4 languages that I speak. But I wanted to change jobs, I applied to office jobs but because I am a day student it is hard to find a day job like that, also I need something in the vicinity of my town but it is a very small town in Denmark and there is not much industry around, and they require master's degree very often. I never felt more lonely, even though I play in a band and sing in a choir. I need to get more physical and now during the holiday I started taking yoga classes, which is great for my mind. It also contributed to my loneliness that I didn't have money to move out of town, as my restaurant closed down in a month, so I had to look for other odd jobs that still haven't paid me yet.

Unfortunately I started stalking her on social media including Facebook, Youtube, Instagram and she had her Calendar shared with me from when we were together so I could also see what is up to, the calendar had a tab about her personal finances too. It was and is still too much for me. She has traveled 4 times abroad for short 1 day trips into the mountains. She refurnished their house - which was furnished with bad taste before. She started watching work out videos on losing visceral fat and sculpting the hips. She invested into 7 different massage courses to become a certified masseuse, she started doing yoga with her colleagues at her workplace, she is planning to get a certificate as a natural medicine expert - which we (her and I) both regarded as something superior to classical medicine - which is based on artificial pharmaceutics. I made the mistake of stalking her, but I can also see that even until this point (4 months) she still listens sometimes to the music we both liked and used to listen to together.

It is intimidating to me how incredibly ambitious she became about her life. My Mom and friends say that I should let her go, at least this obsession and if I figure my life out better I might still have a chance with her. But I shouldn't do the same mistake again that I break up because I am afraid she becomes fat or because I don't have my life straight and I get distracted by lust for other women. (I have never cheated on her). I feel very jealous that she is going to give massage to other men. I stopped watching online porn in 22 days now and I haven't masturbated in that time. This was also a huge issue, i think much of my problems with her looks stemmed from me watching porn. She watched porn once a week maybe, I watched it everyday. This might have been a dealbreaker too, by diminishing my motivation and my sense of satisfaction from real life pleasures. She wanted me also to be more muscular but not too much, she was almost entirely satisfied with my body.

I think that honesty is important, we are all affected by images in the media and porn and so we should be honest about our subconscious desires and expectations. We shouldn't act as saints, that we are not. She was madly in love with me, she mentioned that several times While i became very comfortable, I didn't want to fight for her love everyday. I don't how could I learn from these mistakes? How could I want to fight for her love everyday? Should she become more mysterious towards me? Not sharing that much? If she becomes a masseuse that is all enough mystery for me.

Now that I stalk her, I am constantly jealous, feeling that she is happy and she is over me, she set new goals in her life, she is physical, she gets her depression out in physical activities.

In the past 2 weeks I started working out too 4-5 mornings and evenings a week.

As you might have guessed, I am still trying to figure out my life: should I stay in Denmark to finish the programme (as I get some satisfaction out of teaching, but I am not satisfied with my work environment, with the level of motivation of my fellow teacher students) or should I move back to my home country to work in marketing and learn the courses on the side, just like her.

I have this image in my head, that If I chose the latter one and she was doing her courses in massage and natural medicine, we could have such a beautiful life. I actually do feel that I had enough travelling in my life so far, and now I want to build something from what I really have. Because in Denmark I don't get to use all my resources: my social connections I have built in Hungary, I have some heritage money I should invest, I should work with my degree otherwise I fall behind in that field, losing experience.

I have goals of working as a freelancer in some creative areas, having a wedding jazz band, doing some animation jobs for others. I also ant to learn massage. My MOm keeps telling me she just wants to see me happy, she doesn't care where I live, but I should decide so that I don't regret my decision. Leaving Denmark would mean sacrificing some things I have built in 1,5 years, choosing Denmark would mean that I sacrifice the chance to study jazz piano at a really good teacher i just got to know, who really encouraged me to decide now whether I want to learn jazz because this is the last moment.

But saying good bye in the last minute to the teacher education after having received help to arrange a special internship for me for January, would not be an act of dignity.

VIII. Should I write to her/call her?

So as you might have also guessed, it is Christmas time, it's been 4 months since we broke and it's been 2 beautiful years we were part of each other's daily life and thoughts. I want to wish her merry Christmas and would like to meet with her to see where she found all this motivation from, and to talk about our lives maybe a bit more maturely then last time. It is inevitable to think about whether to see if we have a chance again or not. At least to talk more maturely, with regard to a possible future, with all the risks. Unfortunately, I am not sure if she still thinks about me, even she listens to our music. She might have started dating someone. I would just like to have a closure then. Because now my obsession made me feel like she broke up with me although it was actually me who initiated it and she would have been more willing to talk about everything and make it work even in a long distance relationship if that's what I want too.

I really miss her. I miss knowing about her, I miss chatting and talking all day long, I miss caring about each other's duties and helping each other become a better person. I miss her voice, her smile, her hands, her legs, and all. She has the purest and most tender, feminine heart of all the people I have ever met. I am also craving and would like to see, how slim and athletic she became from all these trainings. I would like to have the feeling of commitment in my heart. I am not sure If I am strong enough to carry on by her through sickness. But what this feeling tells me is that I have doubts and I am a bit shallow. But I love her, that is not shallow. If I know I love her I should probably work through my doubts and shallowness in the relationship. I f she is someone I would never want to lose, because I am convinced about how special she is to me. "Love is madness". I don't want to be needy just because now with her ambitions she represents a higher status to me. This could be a shallow motivation. But I know her, and I know how hard she fought for this transformation and that I played a role in it. I didn't expect that she develops such strong ambitions, and in this sense this is not just the appreciation of something that represents status but something deeper related to the personal transformation. I would love to travel with her on this journey of mutual self-transformation, finding inner piece. But I would like to get my life more straight as well.

This relationship might have fulfilled all its potential but it might not. How do I know? Should I write her to say Merry Christmas and to talk more maturely now that 4 months have passed? It would help me now to get closure if that's what's gonna happen.

I don't want to ruin her Christmas with my neediness. But it might make her happy that I write her.

I think right now you keeping tabs on her isnt going to do you any good. This is possibly one of the worst things to do post break up as you should be using that time to invest in yourself (you sound like you yourself are in a bad place).

The fact you how low self worth and you see her making changes, bettering herself is causing you to invest more focus in her. You really really need to focus on you right now, address the issues in your life and better yourself "for yourself". Nobody can tell you how to do this but you.

As you do this, I think your focus on losing her, on her good traits will shift and you will begin remembering the bad things, you will no longer feel that sense of loss which you do now.

It takes a very brave person to do this, but cut the ties (having her calendar / schedule is not good for you). Peal back from her in terms of social media and stop checking. Keep her contact details if you ever do need to reach out to her, but for now slowly cut it all back. Use that free time and energy on you.

I notice in your message it seems that looks / or more specifically "fat" is an issue. It really depends on how open you guys are when you were together and how important of a factor this is. We are all a product of our decisions in life, some peoples decisions may not be ideal from another persons perspective, but its so difficult to understand what is going on in somebodies head to lead them to where they are in life. It sounds like with the break up your ex is now making strides to better herself so Id say her mind is in a much better place. This is good for her and you if you did ever get back together.

But whilst in the relationship, if weight and fitness is an issue. All you can do is support her not pressure her, if you have negative thoughts... Its tough but being open and honest is always the best thing.

Its a difficult one and I wish you the best with the situation. Just really, focus on you man. Dont allow yourself to stay in this state, you're better than that.

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately this has too much going against it on so many levels. Attraction, respect, lifestyle, attitudes, financial style and a LDR.

Leave her alone. It's best for you and best for her. Take this holiday time to reflect on what you want and don't want. Enjoy your family but live your own life and don't get your mother this involved with your academic, professional and most of all, love life.

Learn to confide in peers or some short term therapy to explore your indecisiveness and inertia in doing what you need to and want to do as well as cutting the apron strings and making your own choices more resolute.