It’s been 10 years why do I still mourn

Hello everyone.

So I have been divorced from my ex wife for a little over 10 years and we have both moved on. I joint the military and am still proudly serving, met an incredible woman, remarried and have a beautiful son and yet...I still miss my ex

My ex and I have tried to be friends a few years back but it kind of fizzled out. When we divorced it was very sudden and I never got any kind of closure or senders. It was like she flipped a switch and she were two different people. I spent the first few years after the divorce struggling with everything and it go so bad that I ran away from everyone and joined the navy.

I have gotten a lot better but I still think of her, dream of her and on some level still want her. I hate this it feels almost like I am cheating on my wife and son. I have been honest and told my wife everything and she says she understands but I feel guilty for feeling this way.

It would have been our 16th wedding anniversary a few days ago and I just feel lost and hollow.

I love my family and I don’t want to hurt them. I have taken steps to avoid my ex on social media and honestly don’t know much about her life now, as she deserves her privacy. I don’t want to feel this anymore.

I feel sorry for your wife and child. I can'r believe you shared this with your wife. Selfish.

Why don't you do something productive: seek therapy. This has gone on way too long.

So being honest with my spouse about my traumatic experiences and confiding in her is selfish? Would you rather I say nothing and fill up like a time bomb. I know how lucky I am to have her and I do not keep secrets from her. She deserves to know where my head is at.

I also want this to go away so I don’t feel guilty.

Your feedback is thoughtless and dangerous.

I think it was a terrible thing to tell her that you are not over your ex. Nothing like that to make her doubt your love and commitment to her. I can't imagine what you were thinking!! How would you like your wife to tell you she is still in love with someone else and can't get over him.

As I said, it was very selfish. Me, me, me. You thought nothing of her feelings. She deserves a hell of a lot better! You are the one who is thoughtless and self serving. If my husband had told me that, I would have left. Nothing like competing with a woman and a fantasy that is being held on to.

Get some therapy to finally move on from this.

Hi Nopenope45,

I can really relate to your dilemma on some level. I have kept the fires burning in my heart for someone who I am not in a relationship with and to be honest, I am pretty sure that he has absolutely no interest in me. All these years, I was encouraged by perceived attention online, but only this year have I really made any progress with letting go.

It can be difficult to do. I fully understand that. The way I did it was to cut all emotional ties and to stop checking up on him on social media. Eventually, with this separation, I was able to start to rationally understand that there is nothing between us, but it took that space (no contact in other words), to heal and to make a start to move on.

I think that you could use some further separation, either emotional or physical. Is there something that triggers you, or keeps the flame alive? Maybe it is time to let that go?

And once again with the dangerous and reckless rhetoric. I believe in honestly and transparency in a relationship. So possibly I need to be clearer, I am not in any way shape or form trying to get back with my ex in any way. I don’t want her back. I believe that I’ve suffered for a serious lack of closure that made me never fully get over this.

For a site that is designed to be a supportive and safe place you are rushing to judge and being increadbly unhelpful. What if I was thinking of self harm and saw your message? What if someone came here for support but only received criticism and took negative action as a result. Your words have more power than you think and I have too many lost brothers and sisters in uniform from suicide for less

Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I don’t contact her and haven’t for months. Like I said I don’t know how she is or where she is. I just get in a cycle of regret then guilt for feeling the regret. I’m currently deployed and it may also be the distance from my family. I miss them so much But whenever I tend to have a lot of alone time like I have currently on my hands my thoughts then to return to my ex

And once again with the dangerous and reckless rhetoric. I believe in honestly and transparency in a relationship. So possibly I need to be clearer, I am not in any way shape or form trying to get back with my ex in any way. I don’t want her back. I believe that I’ve suffered for a serious lack of closure that made me never fully get over this.

 

For a site that is designed to be a supportive and safe place you are rushing to judge and being increadbly unhelpful. What if I was thinking of self harm and saw your message? What if someone came here for support but only received criticism and took negative action as a result. Your words have more power than you think and I have too many lost brothers and sisters in uniform from suicide for less

In no way or form do you come across as suicidal. I would never respond to someone in a non supportive way if they were.

You do not like what was said -because it was the truth- and this is why you are getting so defensive. Perhaps, it would be more fruitful to take my words to heart and think about how YOUR actions/words are affecting your family.

Lastly, I have a great deal of admiration and respect for our men and women in the military.

Well I appreciate your support, however I disagree completely with your rush to judgment. I believe in being open and honest with my wife. I am struggling to deal with this so I can be a better husband and your way of offering me is to tell me I’m selfish and a bad husband. I’m out here doing everything I can to support my family, being honest with her when it would be easier to hide my feelings and lie to her. She deserves better hence me looking for help and you judge me.

In the future when responding to others,YOU need to be more tactful. Critizing others often compounds their guilt and shame which can have disastrous results.

Have you tried therapy? You need to move on and a competent therapist could help you sort out this over attachment to your ex wife. Also, you need to realise that i5s not up to her to give you closure when you divorced. Unfortunately most people don't give us the closure we seek and so we have to give closure ourselves. Also, I'd advise against sharing this kind of stuff with your wife any more if you're really committed to make it work with her. You probably wanted to share this big burden with someone and so you chose her under the "I'm being honest and transparent" guise but this is not something to share with a partner but instead with a trusted friend or family member or better yet a therapist who's a neutral figure and can help you to understand why you're feeling like this and teach you mechanisms to finally let go.

It a very difficulty position to be in now but you have to try to move on and concentrate on this new women.Your Ex has every been part of your life and you can totally overcome that aspect of your life. But what ever you keep feeding your mind is what your heart will assimilate. its undeniable that you loved her and had an amazing relationship but she has moved on may be. come to think of it that she may not be thinking of you or spend time thinking of you. she may be happy in somebody arms while you sometimes keep think of her. You may be wasting your time and heart thinking of someone who may thinks of you as being in her past. Every woman is different and unique in their own way.The grass is always greener on the other side. we can't change the past so we have to give our best to the future to make it what it what we want it to be. How do you think your wife feels about this? How would you feel if she was the one feeling that way about another man. You can give yourself a chance to love again like you had before. Talk yourself out of thinking about your Ex. Its may take a while but keep trying.

Being open and honest in a relationship is one of the most powerful things you can do. Imagine if he didnt say anything and kept it all a deep, dark secret...

I really feel for you, must be so difficult given the fact its been so long. All I can suggest is perhaps seeing a therapist (which some people have said). Or perhaps getting that closure, I dont know if its a good idea as that means contacting your ex. But I suspect it "may" possibly help?

Either way, all the best.

Well I appreciate your support, however I disagree completely with your rush to judgment. I believe in being open and honest with my wife. I am struggling to deal with this so I can be a better husband and your way of offering me is to tell me I’m selfish and a bad husband. I’m out here doing everything I can to support my family, being honest with her when it would be easier to hide my feelings and lie to her. She deserves better hence me looking for help and you judge me.

In the future when responding to others,YOU need to be more tactful. Critizing others often compounds their guilt and shame which can have disastrous results.

Oh for petes sake cut it out and shame on you for attempting to hide behind your military service.

If I cheat on my spouse is my slate wiped clean because I was open and honest? Of course not!

You chose to get into a relationship with someone when you didn’t close the door to your previous relationship.

You chose to procreate with someone when you didn’t close the door to your previous relationship.

You chose to burden your spouse with the knowledge that you chose to be with her when you didn’t close the door to your previous relationship.

These are the cold hard facts. Going back and forth and putting your head in the sand. ignoring the reality of all this is probably what’s allowed this to go on for so long.

Closure can mean different things to different people and while I find myself on the fence about whether or not it’s needed, you can’t stay stuck until you receive it.

You said you and your ex attempted to be friends. Why? You say you need closure, why?

What’s the rest of this story? People divorce everyday. It’s hard emotionally, financially, spiritually, but for the most part people recover. It doesn’t seem you ever faced that recovery. Why?

Can you tell us the rest of the story?

My biggest question: how long after your divorce did you remarry? Are you familiar with the concept of rebounding?

Being open and honest in a relationship is one of the most powerful things you can do. Imagine if he didnt say anything and kept it all a deep, dark secret...

He should have kept it to himself, it served no purpose in expressing these feelings. Very hurtful.

If he felt this way about the ex, he should never have gotten involved with his wife.

Definitely could have kept it to yourself, in my opinion. You talk about comments like the ones in this thread (where people who don't know you have basically told you it as it is) as having the power to push people towards suicide. They're NOTHING compared to what you've said to the woman who has committed herself to you and given birth to your child. She must be absolutely devastated and as if she's been living a lie - I hope she gets up the strength to leave.

I firmly believe in honesty in a marriage BUT some things should not be said and kept to oneself. I am sorry that you are going through this agony but I am unable to understand why, after 10 years, you still feel like this towards your ex. Very strange, IMO. Why are your feelings so strong? I think your poor wife should not have been subjected to this revelation. I cannot imagine how she must feel. I know people react differently to different situations but this is too much. If I were your wife, I would be devastated to hear that your ex still has such a powerful hold on you. The only thing I can suggest is to seek the help of a therapist who will, hopefully, help you to understand your feelings. BTW, I don't think leaving your wife, or vice versa, is something you should do. I hope you find your answer/answers. Good luck.

Hummm, I'm on the fence with this one. I believe one should be honest with their spouse of course but not too sure about this one.

If I put myself in your wife's shoes , I think I would have a very difficult time recovering from that news. My self esteem would likely take a big hit and I'm not sure the relationship would be the same after.

Okay so maybe after writing that I'm not so much on the fence lol

But what's done is done. You can't take back what he said to your wife. You can just try to move on from here.

I too think you need to examine why you still feel such loss. That's important. Not easy to do , but therapy would certainly help you with getting some answers.

And while I do agree with what most have said here, I do sense a bit of a blunt or abrupt tone with some replies. (However I am a big softy).

Nothing wrong with being straightforward of course, we don't want to sugarcoat things, but, and this is just my opinion here : As you (general you) know , since you are on this message board , it's easy to say " you should do this and that " , but it's not so easy to execute. And sometimes people need kind, nurturing words , not hurtful ones in order to try to steer them in the "right" (?) direction.

Admire the honesty but I think you should of been honest with yourself prior to dating and getting married and having a kid with someone you never really wanted to be with.

But since you cant change the past, I wonder why are you so hung up with this girl from 10 years ago. What is it about her that you refuse to see in someone else?

For what it's worth, I don't think it's fair to just label a person or their past actions without some advice on what to do going forward.

Most relationships, at least romantic ones, in my experience, are multi-faceted. It may have been selfish to share with your wife. It may have been a step in the direction to heal the pain with her. Love heals. Loving your wife and feeling her love can heal this, if you let it.

Most of our conflicts are made by humans and they can be fixed by humans. :)

In some respect have you ever explored the feelings of missing your ex in less serious terms? What I mean is, taking the loss of relationship so harshly and blaming yourself so much, that the weight of it has caused you to not be able to see past it? I'm sure she is great and all that jazz, but no one is irreplaceable. Sorry if that offends some. but the whole point of your life is you. your experiences. YOU! No one else.

So what do you do?

Take stock of the losses. Yes, they can be brutual. But you got through it and you love your wife and your life with her. Whatever your ex is or was to you, it is over. it is like a death. people do not stay the same and they rarely live up to a memory. if you were to meet her again, it would not be the same. it couldn't. she is a figment of your brain.... she is what you tell yourself she is.

I think the best thing for you to do is write out a letter to your ex. be honest and tell her how much you miss her.... explain why you cant keep doing this to yourself. in sense say goodbye. then burn it.

next write a letter to your wife be honest and tell her how much you appreciate her, love her and look forward to being with her and your family. Send it.

you, my friend, are at a crossroads. choose wisely. choose love. choose future. the past is over. Use the time you are deployed to do the work necessary to change your life. Accept that your life has moved on from the ex. Sometimes when we didn't end or get a decent closure, we think we have no control. that we can do nothing. but we can. we can choose to not worry about it any more. and find something else to focus on.

One time I remember saying to a friend (about an ex of my own) "I understand where he is coming from and I'm not mad at him, but my concern is my current relationship"

And that says it all... people from the past can have a place in our hearts but that's all... and it diesnt always have to be another person. if the relationship is failed it's ok to let it be and walk away.

When you think of the ex, remember your wife. And all the reasons you love her. How your life is with your wife. You have to train your brain. We believe what we tell ourselves. Start by telling yourself you choose your wife. Push the past out. Start dreaming of your life with your wife. What will you do together when you get home? What future do you have together?

look to the future... love your wife. Appreciate that you could be your true self with her. Reward her love and understanding with your own. And make it a beautiful life.

The ex and the past... it's done. Allow yourself to let it go. Forgive yourself and be the better man. you know you are. That doesn't mean you're perfect, but you're trying. one thought at a time. because our mistakes or losses don't define us. How we rise from the ashes does.

good luck to you... you can get through this. You'll be glad you did!

xxoo