Christmas Break?!

A few nights ago (Wednesday), with me due to leave at 06:00 the next morning to go to Ireland to see my mother, my partner of 8 and a half years tells me just as we are going to bed that she doesn't want to hear from me until she see's me again on Boxing Day evening - that's no phone calls, FaceTime, SMS, email or any other form of communication for 6 whole days. I can't even wish her Happy Christmas, thank her for her gifts or even just chat like we always do when we're both together and apart.

I am distraught as she is my best friend, soulmate and just love being with her, hearing from her, talking to her, just knowing she's there.

Obviously there is a background to this, so had better try and do my best to explain as succinctly as possible but please ask questions if you need clarification on anything.

We've been together since May 2010 and its fair to say that 99.9% of the time, it has been my best ever relationship by far. She's a beautiful, kind, caring woman who understands me more than anyone else and we get on so well, only ever arguing about this one thing - my family & ex.

So when I left my ex and eventually met her after a couple of years, I was pretty hard up. I was giving 2/3 my salary to her in order to pay mortgage etc. After a while, I moved in with my now partner and she supported us both financially until we sold the the marital home and split the proceeds. That reduced my outgoings and I was paying what the government said I should plus half school fees for my daughter but contributing to my partners household income. Ex tried to keep all the house proceeds but managed to wrest my half away from her & bought my own property. During this time my daughter came every other weekend to stay and got on well with my partner and her daughter, who is 18 months younger. There were a couple of incidents apparently that I did not witness that annoyed my partner and she took as my daughter being mean to hers (aka bullying) but could also just being looked at as two young girls horsing about. Anyway, these events which I apparently did not deal with (as I thought partner was being over sensitive but I'd never say that!) led to a gradual change to the relationship she had with my daughter. Still on the face of it ok, but I could tell things had changed and that she resented my daughter coming to stay. Daughter and I both tried to ensure that we didn't do anything to upset my partner but she was convinced my daughter was not being nice to hers and that I wasn't dealing with it. On the contrary, I did speak to her and she knew what the apparent issues were and was likewise being careful. I know my daughter loves me and that she wouldn't do anything to deliberately upset me or make things awkward for me. At the same time I was getting divorced from the ex and sorting out the financial settlement, which the ex was trying to make difficult though I won through in the end as there was nothing other than the marital home in terms of joint assets. This process had my partner getting more cross with ex as time went on. We had all started out as friendly but not any more. Things eventually came to a bit of a head when my partner got annoyed that my ex had not asked her if my daughter could stay for a few days for work experience, so she said no. Its her house, so I can't argue with her though she calls it our home at other times. She actually changed her mind and said daughter could stay but a month or so later and a couple of weeks before she was due, daughter came back from a trip abroad and brought me a memento. She hadn't brought one for my partner or for us jointly as she was still sensitive about the rejection before but she made the mistake of giving it to me in the presence of my partner, which my partner has taken as her doing it deliberately as a f you, though from speaking with my daughter that wasn't the case. However, the damage was done and my partner banned my daughter from coming to stay in her house. Again, this was something that I didn't "deal with" though I accept that my daughter did not do it on purpose, so what should I be doing? From then on, I would see my daughter away from my partner, be it either meeting up with her for the day or going on holiday to Ireland together.

Ireland is where my mother lives, she is getting on and I go and see her several times a year. She's a bit of a matriarch and bossy but she's my mum and I love her and want to support her if possible. My partner on the other hand doesn't like where my mother lives in Ireland - too cold, remote, nothing for her, not what she's used to etc. As such she' only been over 3 times and not now for a few years. I'll take that, I agree on some of the things she says anyway and makes for a less fraught visit.

My step-sister-in-law lives quite close to my ex and they sometimes meet up. She was responsible for bringing up my two nephews though I was their father figure as she never re-married. The first time my partner and this woman met, they seemed to get on well, then about 18 months ago there was a family party at which this woman seemed to blank my partner quite clearly, after which my partner went home in a huff. I pulled this woman on this and she started bleating on about not wanting to get involved because of court cases and so on. Huh? What court cases, but it would seem that my ex had been talking to her and this was the impression she had. I put her right and I also admonished her for being rude to my partner, which I thought was reasonable.

A month or so later, my partner and I nearly split up after she had a sense of humour failure and started busting up my house. This was frustration on her part she said, to do with my daughter, my ex and this woman. I was all set to walk but she talked me out of it with the promise that she'd get over it.

We got engaged last Christmas, a really happy time for us both. I told my mother who wasn't best pleased and was open about it, mainly because she knew my partner didn't particularly like Ireland (ie would never come and live there) and the fact my daughter couldn't stay, so that didn't go down well with either me or my partner. A few weeks later that woman rang my mother and told her something that she knew would upset my mother, in that I had bought a house in the country which meant it was less likely that I would ever come to live in Ireland either. I hadn't told my mother for that reason but its my life and not her dreams, so that's not unreasonable. That woman also told my mother that my partner would not be being invited to the upcoming wedding of the elder of my nephews - she had some control as she was contributing financially. That obviously caused disruption between myself, my partner and my family, not helped by the fact my ex was invited to the wedding. I eventually sided with my partner and did not go to the wedding, though I hated it. Partner appreciated that I sided with her.

The other nephew got married a month or so ago but this time that woman had no financial input. My partner said that I could go if ex wasn't. My nephew was upset that I hadn't been to his brother's wedding and we had a long discussion but he then invited me and I got my ex to agree not to go. However, my partner at this point was all upset that she wasn't invited and I can totally get that but numbers were tight and my nephew did not know my partner. I was then in the position that I said I'd go but she was telling me that she didn't want me to.

We started to go to counselling sessions and the counsellor seemed to understand that it was a no-win position for me but also that my partner should be getting invited and I should support her.

I have to say that I had already decided that I was going, come what may but partner and I had a heart-heart and she gave me her blessing that I could go, so I did.

Since then, we have had some further counselling sessions, mainly focused on how I deal with or understand people. I'm undiagnosed but likely on the autistic spectrum with a lack of empathy, ability to deal with relationship issues, fear or avoidance of confrontation amongst my traits. I was also bullied a lot when younger. My partner has been saying about these sessions that they are helpful in many ways to her for showing that she was right in certain things and that she is using the exercise to decide whether or not to continue the relationship. I've been using them as an opportunity to validate those things she claimed over time and also to show that I'm not an ar$e and playing games or out to do her over or anything else but genuinely incapable of doing what it is she wants me to do. I just want a quiet life with her and for her and my daughter to at least get on and that she can come to visit and stay.

Anyway, what do others think of this situation? I have not had a one-on-one session with the counsellor yet, that will happen in January as I think that in many ways my partner is being unreasonable in her expectations and her standards are far higher than others might have. This 6 day break thing has completely thrown me and when I tried to protest said I was being selfish and it wasn't all about me and she wanted it to be about her. More confusion as although I'm not perfect, I try and be as loving, supportive and generous to her as I can be. Things I know that she wouldn't do or entertain for me, I am always there for her and happy to do.

So, is this break reasonable? Is it the end? Should I be looking to end this relationship and move on? In many ways I think she keeps pushing and pushing me to try and get me to leave her, so that she is not the one to have ended the relationship. I really haven't a clue what is happening and how I should manage it.

I think your partner is being unreasonable!

It sounds like her way or the highway and if anybody upsets her their automatically black listed. It’s not fair your own daughter can’t stay at the house! You need to put your daughter first. I think this relationship has run its course with her demands on you.

In fact her being cold and spiteful shows her true feelings about what she thinks of your relationship at this moment.

I wouldn’t let her walk all over you as she has been doing. Either end it or put your foot down which may end up ending it. Either way this isn’t a forever relationship even though it’s been long term.

I think counseling is a wonderful idea.

First off, this relationship with this woman was a rebound. That’s why you’ve not only faced so much turmoil but accepted her treating your child in such a way. I understand you’re in pain so I won’t get on you too much about how your child is also surviving this divorce and the loss of her family but you’re now subjecting her to a woman who will only love her with conditions.

This whole situation is a mess, you’re at her mercy, is this what dating is to you? It can’t be. You need to sort yourself out before you are capable of being someone’s partner.

If this has any hope of being rectified you gotta gain some independence. I know you’re giving the sob story about your ex wife leaving you destitute but you gotta get things together if not for you but for your child.

It’s foing to be ok, getting through a divorce is one of the hardest things to get through emotionally, financially, mentally. By latching onto this woman and becoming dependent on her, you took an incredibly risky short cut.

I’m sorry, you’re foing to be ok. One day at a time. Focus on healing from all this, focus on getting on your feet, then it may have a chance of working, but not now. There’s just too much wrong with the way things are.

You live together so it's not the end, just some time apart. However the stuff with your child and your extended family needs to be sorted out. Take this time to enjoy your holidays and family and reflect on why she's this upset. You know the reasons.

A few nights ago (Wednesday), with me due to leave at 06:00 the next morning to go to Ireland to see my mother, my partner of 8 and a half years tells me just as we are going to bed that she doesn't want to hear from me until she see's me again on Boxing Day evening - that's no phone calls, FaceTime, SMS, email or any other form of communication for 6 whole days. I can't even wish her Happy Christmas, thank her for her gifts or even just chat like we always do when we're both together and apart.So, is this break reasonable? Is it the end?

This relationship sounds very stressful and yes your girlfriend is unreasonable- your daughter should come first. I was confused above when you said -“this woman” who told your mom you bought a house? What woman? Try to relax during the holiday (if you can lol), and maybe think about, is this a relationship you want to be in? The whole situation is a mess, and sounds so stressful all the time. A relationship should be happy and easy and fun. Yes there is work involved in every relationship but not this much work. I was exhausted reading your post lol. Maybe use this break as a real break-up?

I was confused above when you said -“this woman” who told your mom you bought a house? What woman?

"This/that woman" is my step-sister-in-law, the 2nd wife of my sister's husband. Tragically they both died at separate times when the nephews were young. I personally will have nothing more to do with her after she deliberately rang up to purposely tell tales to my mother knowing it would upset her, just so she could stir shyte with her and justify not inviting my partner. She is an extremely bossy, pompous woman, a terrible snob who has spent her life on the coat tails of "high society" making out she is part of it when she's not. She is the type of woman who thought she would make a good magistrate/judge because she knows if someone is right or wrong by looking at them (her quote, not mine). That and an interfering old witch.

Hence why I only ever refer to her as that woman.

Of everything that’s what you decide to respond to?!?!

 

Since then, we have had some further counselling sessions, mainly focused on how I deal with or understand people. I'm undiagnosed but likely on the autistic spectrum with a lack of empathy, ability to deal with relationship issues, fear or avoidance of confrontation amongst my traits.

I think individual counseling would help you more than couples, given the above.

I am not experienced with autism so hesitate to give advice except to say I'm sorry you're experiencing this, especially during the holidays.

Stay strong and wishing you and your daughter much peace and happiness moving forward! xxx

Of everything that’s what you decide to respond to?!?!

With respect, it was the only post with a question that needed elucidating :)

That and I was just about to have lunch...

Hmm

She txt me this morning wishing me Happy Christmas (and the same to all you readers out there!), thanks for the presents I'd given her and looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I'm totally conflicted as she said she wouldn't do that and for me not to wish her the same. I have sent back a similar but not as warm txt. However, the whole thing is really bothering me now as I don't really understand what is going on and/or what the message she might be trying to send me is.

I don't believe that this is a rebound relationship as I had a bit of "fun" in the time between I separated and the time I met my partner, who at that moment I decided was worthwhile to become serious with. As some have said, I have always thought she is being unreasonable but I'm not capable of telling her that nor would she listen to what I'm saying.

Last few days I'd resigned myself and planned on how to extricate myself from my current situation - then she sends her txt and I'm all over the place again.