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Thread: I need help

  1. #1
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    I need help

    Hello all,

    A little backstory, and I've posted about this before:

    I was with a woman for six or seven months. During those months, we were so happy together, classic good relationship going.

    Last October, she told me she wanted to "take a break" so we can "focus on ourselves for a little bit", this "break" was supposed to last for a month. She texted me the morning after she proposed this "break" saying it was "only temporary", she was feeling strongly about it being temporary. So fast forward a month later, I called her asking if we can get back together after the month was over; then she tells me that she does not want to continue with the relationship. It was first by that phone call, she then texted me the next day saying "you did nothing wrong", "you're a great person", "you'll find the right person for you".

    I was completely distraught; I broke down crying, I couldn't sleep at all the night after, and I called in sick from work the day after. I was, and still am, completely broken. I am currently seeing a psychologist for this because since then, I've fallen into a state of depression. I've called crisis groups because I need help, I've also requested urgent appointments with my psychologist.

    A few days ago, I may or may not have called her, and she picked up her phone. I know, big mistake on my part. She told me that my mother messaged her mother saying she was "rude" to her, because my mother was really angry at all the pain I've been going through. Her mom and my mom were on talking terms, but I wish she didn't message my ex's mom. When I called her, she told me that she was "thinking about getting back together", but because of something my mom said to her mom, that bridge has been burnt. I don't know exactly what was said, and honestly I don't want to know, but I never said anything vile or rude to my ex at all; I haven't even swore at her at all. I had no control over what my mom said, so it's almost as if I am being punished for something I had absolutely no control over. My ex blocked my mother from Facebook because of this.

    When we were on the phone, I had proposed to her that we meet for coffee in a couple weeks, but now I'm second guessing if I even want to do that. I'm caught between cutting contact flat out, or trying to get her back together. I will admit, it's been very hard for me to accept that it's over, and any time I see even a shred of hope, I hold on to that. My mindset right now is that she is the only woman that I really want, because I was so happy with her. I know there are several other women out there, but my heart has been reserved for this one woman for so long that it's hard for me to move on and try to find someone else. We still have open contact, but I'm not going to lie, she has a control of me. I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place at this point.

    Can anyone give their two cents? Thanks.
    Last edited by mack1490; 12-23-2018 at 06:33 PM.

  2. #2
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    You need to let this go. She was done when she wanted the one-month break. Your mother should not have called her mother, but I seriously doubt the ex was going to reconcile.

    Please delete this girl'a number and accept that it is over.

    You should not date anyone until you are in a healthy place.

    I am sorry for your pain.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Really sorry for your hurt, buddy.

    Breaks, by and large, are often shorthand for breakups. Not because the intention isn't sincere—that, with a little space, things will cool off and click again—but because they create a dynamic in which one person is a bit checked out and the other is on eggshells. On the rare occasion when they work, it's because both people genuinely agree its needed or the one not calling for the break has a high threshold for being able to temporarily detach emotionally.

    Anyhow, you need to let this go. This space you're in, holding onto pain so it compounds—nothing good comes from that. You stay anxious and depressed and convinced she can cure that anxiousness, that depression. That's not how it works, not with a new relationship, not with reconciling.

    The only thing that matters right now is getting control of yourself back. Make that the priority, and you'll get out of these spins.

    Wising you the best.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You need to let this go. She was done when she wanted the one-month break. Your mother should not have called her mother, but I seriously doubt the ex was going to reconcile.

    Please delete this girl'a number and accept that it is over.

    You should not date anyone until you are in a healthy place.

    I am sorry for your pain.
    I know I need to move on, and I'm getting very close to realizing it. It's like there's two sides to my mind: one saying let her go, the other saying keep trying; I'm literally in a fight with my mind trying to get my mind to say "let her go, it's over". It's just so hard to accept that it's all over. I just miss all the good times we had, I keep dreaming about her and thinking about her constantly; I even dreamed about her last night, and now the dreams about her turn into nightmares because I wake up depressed knowing that it wasn't real.

    The thing about me is that my relationship standards are all or nothing. I can't even talk to a women if I don't know for sure there's a potential in a relationship. I don't sleep around, and I don't do one night stands, I just don't want to do those. I am merely looking for a solid, stable relationship with one women, I can't even casually date multiple women at once; I've never been like that. So many people have told me "dude, go to the bar and find you a hot girl to sleep with then call it a night", I just can't do that because its just not my thing.
    Last edited by mack1490; 12-23-2018 at 07:30 PM.

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  6. #5
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    She has already let the relationship go. There is nothing you can do.


    You now need to delete her number and go complete no contact.

    We have all been where you are. Time and no contact are your healers.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    She has already let the relationship go. There is nothing you can do.


    You now need to delete her number and go complete no contact.

    We have all been where you are. Time and no contact are your healers.
    You're right, I need to do that. It's still just the hardest thing to accept, but at this point I have no other choice. I tried so hard for her, but I guess I have to accept things that I cannot control. It's just such a hard pill to swallow knowing that she was a huge part of my life, now I feel like a part of me is missing, and since then I feel completely lost and downright depressed. I am depressed to the point where I can literally physically feel it in my body, like I have no motivation to do anything.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Make sure you ask your mother to stay out of it. Totally. Try to confide in your psychologist and not you mother. You do have control over that. Your mother should not be fighting your battles for you or be this involved in your dating life.

    Also it's time to block her and all her people from all your messaging apps and social media. Sadly a "break" is usually a breakup. Try to take this time to reflect and enjoy the holidays.
    Originally Posted by mack1490
    She told me that my mother messaged her mother saying she was "rude" to her, because my mother was really angry at all the pain I've been going through.

    I had no control over what my mom said. My ex blocked my mother from Facebook because of this. We still have open contact.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    There was nothing to fix as far as she was concerned, so why would getting back together result in success. She apparently just wasn't feeling it, and is now only staying in contact because she probably likes the distant attention from a fan.

    What kind of life do you have besides having a woman in your life? Perhaps you should expand on all the other areas of your life like hobbies/interests/volunteer work/time with guy friends, and continue on with them even when you have a gf. Because the depth of your emotional angst speaks that you relied on her too much for your joy and didn't have much going on besides that. I might be wrong, but it's just a guess. You're not going to be able to move on until you go no contact, so make that happen to start anew in 2019.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    There was nothing to fix as far as she was concerned, so why would getting back together result in success. She apparently just wasn't feeling it, and is now only staying in contact because she probably likes the distant attention from a fan.

    What kind of life do you have besides having a woman in your life? Perhaps you should expand on all the other areas of your life like hobbies/interests/volunteer work/time with guy friends, and continue on with them even when you have a gf. Because the depth of your emotional angst speaks that you relied on her too much for your joy and didn't have much going on besides that. I might be wrong, but it's just a guess. You're not going to be able to move on until you go no contact, so make that happen to start anew in 2019.
    Regarding the hobbies and such, I don't know what I enjoy doing anymore. I have pretty chronic depression, I'm pretty much not happy all the time. I'm depressed to the point where I don't know what makes me happy anymore. Maybe I'll use this time to pursue some interests that I do enjoy.

    This whole thing has just been so hard for me to process through, but now I'm slowly replacing my depression and sadness with anger towards her; not angry to the point where I'm going to flip out and do something crazy, but angry to the point where I'm realizing that this woman hurt me really bad by doing what she did, so what am I missing about her so much? I mean she told me the break was only going to be temporary, I fell for it, but then in the end she just up and left me. That to me is not a healthy relationship at all. Another hard part for me is that, right now she is the only one I see potential in, because I still have feelings for her. I'm just trying to get my whole mind to get away from that mindset; I'm doing this by looking at other women and seeing what other potentials are out there. Sometimes I find myself trying to find a woman who is almost like her. I guess it will take a while, it's just me, I don't feel like a complete person when I don't have a female partner who is with me. I am not a clingster; in that I don't need a woman to be with me 100% of the time, I just need a woman whom I know is with me, and me with her.


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