Worried about some of what a girl I've been seeing is saying

Right, so I've been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks now (few dates, lots of talking etc) and we get on really well, the problem is we were talking today and she said a few things which are making me consider backing off. Basically, she said she wants to live alone, when I asked whether she would be lonely she said 'I'm a massive introvert and don't get lonely' which yeah, I found a little weird? It was just casual conversation but still, I found it a slightly worrying thing to say to somebody if I'm being honest.

I'm particularly concerned since I had a pretty messy breakup only a few months back, and this is my first real return to the dating scene. My ex said similar things about wanting to be alone, and it really worried me and made me think that potentially I'm attracted to a type of person who is bound to cause me hurt down the line. It just struck me as a really cold, emotionally immature thing to say to somebody? There's nothing wrong with enjoying your own company, but outright saying I'd much prefer to live alone is a little different.

I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much in to it or she was putting up a front? I guess I'm just a little sensitive to this stuff because of how cold/distant my ex got towards the end and I don't want to go through that again. She has also said she loves being single a few times, and again I don't know whether it's because she feels a need to put on a front or whether she's being honest and I'm just being used.

I honestly don’t see anything worrying or emotionaly immature in what she said. I think you are reading too much into this. Relax :-) Although maybe you should think if you two are compatible?

Did she say she never wanted to live with a bf or husband, or not have roommates?

How long were you in a relationship?

I honestly don’t see anything worrying or emotionaly immature in what she said. I think you are reading too much into this. Relax :-) Although maybe you should think if you two are compatible?

Yeah this is what I'm worried about. Obviously I'm not even remotely considering it now, but in the future I would want to live with the person I was seeing .. and it sounds like she finds it very hard to commit? I feel like she puts up a lot of emotional barriers and is quite disconnected, which was exactly how my ex could get .. so I guess that's why I'm reading too much in to it. Not in a million years would I want to go through that again.

Did she say she never wanted to live with a bf or husband, or not have roommates?

 

How long were you in a relationship?

It was just a general thing, not really specific .. but she did say 'pros to living with someone - no obligations, own space etc etc' and then said there were no cons. She also had a breakup like 6 months ago (I think?) so I'm kinda wondering whether it was a bit nasty and she's put barriers up, because she seems a bit emotionally closed off. She hasn't spoken much about her ex, but keeps being like 'yeah I've loved being single, don't miss a relationship at all' and it kinda feels like she's trying to convince herself, if that makes any sense? I dunno.

I was in one for about 2 years.

I think you need to hold off on dating seriously, too.

Don't you think it would be best to heal from your last relationship, and understand why you were with the ex. You cannot have a healthy relationship unless you are also in a good place. It would also help you be more discerning.

Right, so I've been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks now (few dates, lots of talking etc) and we get on really well, the problem is we were talking today and she said a few things which are making me consider backing off. Basically, she said she wants to live alone, when I asked whether she would be lonely she said 'I'm a massive introvert and don't get lonely' which yeah, I found a little weird? It was just casual conversation but still, I found it a slightly worrying thing to say to somebody if I'm being honest.

 

I'm particularly concerned since I had a pretty messy breakup only a few months back, and this is my first real return to the dating scene. My ex said similar things about wanting to be alone, and it really worried me and made me think that potentially I'm attracted to a type of person who is bound to cause me hurt down the line. It just struck me as a really cold, emotionally immature thing to say to somebody? There's nothing wrong with enjoying your own company, but outright saying I'd much prefer to live alone is a little different.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much in to it or she was putting up a front? I guess I'm just a little sensitive to this stuff because of how cold/distant my ex got towards the end and I don't want to go through that again. She has also said she loves being single a few times, and again I don't know whether it's because she feels a need to put on a front or whether she's being honest and I'm just being used.

I think you need to hold off on dating seriously, too.

 

Don't you think it would be best to heal from your last relationship, and understand why you were with the ex. You cannot have a healthy relationship unless you are also in a good place. It would also help you be more discerning.

Fair, you may well be right. I wasn't really looking to date in fairness, it just kinda happened? But I do feel like maybe I'm still not fully moved on tbf.

You're reading waaay too much into it. And try not to put things from your past on to her. That stuff eventually drives people away. You'll most of the time be better off taking things alot slower than you want to.

I guess so, it's just some of what she was saying really did remind me of how my ex used to be, but I know that isn't healthy. I just do wonder if I'm drawn to a certain sort of person that isn't really right for me.

You're reading into this way heavily, and I'd take that as a sign that you have really not healed from your last relationship. So take a deep breath, acknowledge that you're still healing, but don't look to her and her affection as the salve. Work through that yourself.

Because honestly? Cohabitation should be the last thing on your mind after just a few weeks. You're just getting to know her, who she is as a person, not just who she might be to you. If you can't be curious about her as she reveals herself to you—well, that's a problem.

I love being alone myself, and have lived alone for the past 22 years. I love being single. I also love being in a relationship and am totally open to living with a partner. But whoever that is, whenever that is? It's going to be someone who "gets" my need for space, who appreciates the way I live my life, not who finds it threatening, you know?

You're reading into this way heavily, and I'd take that as a sign that you have really not healed from your last relationship. So take a deep breath, acknowledge that you're still healing, but don't look to her and her affection as the salve. Work through that yourself.

 

Because honestly? Cohabitation should be the last thing on your mind after just a few weeks. You're just getting to know her, who she is as a person, not just who she might be to you. If you can't be curious about her as she reveals herself to you—well, that's a problem.

 

I love being alone myself, and have lived alone for the past 22 years. I love being single. I also love being in a relationship and am totally open to living with a partner. But whoever that is, whenever that is? It's going to be someone who "gets" my need for space, who appreciates the way I live my life, not who finds it threatening, you know?

It's not that cohabitation is on my mind - far from it - it's just the way she was saying it that made me think that maybe I was potentially getting involved with someone who would hurt me down the line. It was basically like 'there are no benefits to living with someone, I much prefer being alone, I don't really like relationships' I dunno it just came on a bit strong, like she felt very seriously about it.

There's nothing wrong with loving living by yourself (I love it too!) it's just totally disregarding even the idea of living with someone seems a bit weird to me. If she had said 'Yeah I'm just happy by myself, maybe at some point I'll want that but definitely not yet' I would have been totally on board with it. It's just instead she went on this weird tangent trying to convince me about how much better living alone is, and how there aren't any positives to living with someone.

I get where you're coming from though, I do think that I'm probably just a bit paranoid/scared about dating at the moment, which isn't a good sign.

No, not a good sign. You're not over your past hurt.

Because, know what? Anyone you get into a relationship with will hurt you down the line. That's literally inevitable, and it's why healing is important. It reminds us that we can handle pain so we can stay open to the pleasures.

Yeah, we can do a bit of early work to stave off potential pain. Like, if someone says they're against monogamy and you're purely monogamous and proceed anyway—well, that's a recipe for some pain.

But this sounds a bit paranoid, like you're looking really hard to see what will hurt you rather than what might excite you.

If you're comparing or even being reminded or having thoughts of your ex...no, you are not in a good place to be dating.

Since you two are dating/seeing each other, have you discussed what you’re each looking for?

Casual? Relationship? Maybe something long-term with the right person?

I mean, I can’t blame you for questioning her comments because I’d wonder, as someone eventually looking for something long-term, if the person I’m dating was looking for something similar. I’d ask them to clarify what they’re looking for to ensure we were on the same page.

I’ve had guys who I was dating ask me what I was looking for, if I’ve ever lived with a boyfriend before, if I want to eventually get married, have kids, etc.

If you’re dating her, I just don’t think it can do any harm to have her clarify what she means.

For instance, I’ve always enjoyed the single life too, but like to be a part of a meaningful, exclusive relationship if I meet someone who complements me and what I’m looking for. I also like my space and living on my own, but am open to living with that special someone as well, eventually.

Just ask her to clarify. I find these things to be fairly easy to bring up in conversation when dating someone.

In terms of your last relationship, if you find you’re still reeling from it, being that it only ended a few months ago, maybe you do need more time for yourself prior to delving into the dating game again. Only you know if you’re ready. Just be honest with yourself.

If her desire to live alone is unacceptable to you, don't date her. People's life choices are theirs to make. If you find them weird or odd is beside the point. Don't date people you're not a good match with.

It make be best to free yourself from all this worry and fear of being hurt, worry about incompatibility etc. It's just not meshing with her at this time for so many reasons.

Take time off to enjoy the holidays and reflect on what you want going forward.

made me think that maybe I was potentially getting involved with someone who would hurt me down the line.

 

 

It was basically like 'there are no benefits to living with someone, I much prefer being alone, I don't really like relationships'.

Well it’s nice you know upfront what she wants then later on down the road. Now you can move onto someone with like minded goals.

I think you're putting the cart before the horse on this one. I doubt not living together would be a permanent choice. At some point, whether it's you or someone else, she'll meet someone she wants to build a life with. It's difficult to have someone around all the time when you're used to living alone, and now all of a sudden they're always there and you have to compromise and share and not do what you want 100% of the time, and memories of roommates swim around in your head, and it's kind of a daunting thought. Maybe she still has roommates and she's anxious to not. After two weeks, I think you're doing yourself a disservice making such choices before having a chance to figure out anything else. If you're having ex-GF flashbacks and you're this fearful about being hurt (you can't escape this one, dating is a risk), you may not be ready.