How do I survive

I don’t know what to do with myself. My whole life is an absolute mess. I’m a crumbled broken person, a lifeless soul living inside a person that used to exist. There is no way I will ever feel joy in my life again. My whole world has been stolen from me. Left with absolutely nothing. What have I done to deserve this agonising pain. Why me. I try so hard to be a good person, to be wanted and accepted. I get kicked in the face. I get thrown severe polycystic ovaries and the most severe endometriosis. Causing me at times debilitating pain. I can’t move. I can only lay on the floor praying the pain will go. I can pull my car over and debate if I need an ambulance or what I need to do. It took almost 10 years to even be diagnosed, making me feel crazy. It effects my work. I get pain almost every single day. Almost impossible to get pregnant, even with fertility medication. Causing a massive strain on my marriage. Medication that sends hormones crazy, leaving me feeling suicidal and depressed, and then a miracle happens, I get pregnant whilst off the medications. Not with one but with two. So of course, it gets stolen from me. In an absolutely horrible way. One literally ripped from my uterus and the other, well the other was ectopic. So obviously my Fallopian tube is gone now too. And surely that wasn’t enough, why not give me a massive ruptured ovarian cyst causing internal bleeding and damage to my already faulty ovaries. Obviously a way of someone telling me I don’t deserve a family. I don’t deserve anything. If this isn’t bad enough to happen, why not have a husband that thinks you’re worthless. Who never shows you affection or makes you feel loved and wanted. Who is a compulsive liar and has been cheating on you your entire 10 year relationship. My life has been stolen from me. I don’t know who I am or what I am going to do.

How could he betray someone that would have given their life if necessary. Who loved them with every single fibre of their being. Who thought they were safe and thought they had found their soulmate. How lucky was I falling in love at 14 years old and then being able to marry my absolute best friend, my entire universe. Now, my babies are dead. My husband is gone and with that my family, my in laws whom I love dearly. My future fertility is almost completely out of the question. I will never find anyone in time. And time is running out with my severe comorbidities.

Though my entire year has been extremely difficult, in the matter of two weeks my life has become unbearable. How can one person withstand so much pain and ever be okay again. I can’t and don’t want to bare it. I am gone. I am no longer the person I was. I have no idea who I am. I am lost. I am broken. I can’t be fixed. Panic attacks are now a new thing I have to deal with this year. How terrifying is not being able to breathe? Or having a heart rate so high you vomit. Or how about forgetting where you are and how to get out of a shopping centre. Is it even worth trying to repair the extremely broken. There is rock bottom, and then there is a gigantic tunnel under that, where I am. With soil covering the top and trapping me inside. No words will ever help me. I wish I could escape this torture. How can I be 25 years old and already lost everything. Including my will to live.

Lee* - That was difficult to read. I'm so sorry for your pain*

You still have some strength in you though as many others would be gone by now. So good on you for that.

Firstly, you have slipped into victim mindset. This is understandable considering your situation. I've been there too.

But let's start trying to reframe this: Start challenging the thought of this is happening TO me, to this is happening FOR me. What I mean by that is this is happening to strengthen you and to teach you something. What that 'something' is we won't know right now, but eventually the answers will come.

Second, what can you do to relieve the physical pain? Is there painkillers you can take when it gets bad?

Drink lots of water. Get Psyllium Husk into your diet. Start little bits of Yoga for breath work and blood flow. Slow your life down for the moment. Get rest where you can.

Think "What can I do to just get through today"... If that is too difficult bring it down to the next hour... If that is too difficult bring it down to the next 30 mins...and so on...

Third, has your husband left? If not, annul that marriage asap. It hurts and is terribly disappointing l know, but it's slowly killing you from what you describe....

Panic attacks are horrible. The only way out of them is to close your eyes, take slow and deep breaths and concentrate on your breathing until it subsides.

You are terribly wound up and have reached breaking point. I'm glad you have reached out here.

I will check back later to see if you respond. We can't help if you stop posting....

Hang in there ok.

Talk Soon

Carus*