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Thread: Need advice/help - relationship issue

  1. #1

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    Need advice/help - relationship issue

    My boyfriend and I (both 21) of a little over the year have had a rocky December. It began witn his request for space over clouded feelings for me. He was suffering from much depression, possible diagonsis of Borderline Personality Disorder and was stressed from school. After some therapy appointments and space away, he came back wanting to stay together and work things out.

    Since then, weíve had plans for me to accompany (and drive) him to a weekend trip nearby with his group of friends. That is in a few weeks. We took this same trip last year when we started dating but it didnt go well. This was because I was extremely insecure about the amount of weed people were smoking and I was shy and didnít know his friends. That has since changed and I am now comfortable around weed and donít really care. The trip, however, left a sour taste in his mouth. He knows though that my insecurities about weed have gone away.

    Two days ago, he texted me and uninvited me to the trip. He apologized for how mean this was, but said he now preferred it to be a friends only trip. He wanted to spend time witn his friends without couples there. While I certainly have no issue with him wanting a friends-only trip, I took major issue with this.

    Uninviting me after inviting me made me feel abandoned, hurt, neglected and disrespected. I communicated all of this to him. I told him that if he had concerns about the weed thing, he should talk to me - Iím happy to work on whatever. He said it wasnít about that and that I shouldnít take it personally - he just wants a trip with his friends. He proposed us taking a seperate trip with just the two of us. I was still angry.

    This un-invitiation is particularly upsetting because it comes at a sensitive time in our relationship and at a bad personal time for me. This past week, my brother (who has long suffered with drug abuse) over-dosed at home and my mom and me were there calling 911 looming over his lifeless body. He survived, but the issues are still ongoing. My parents kick him out one day, put him in rehab the next, etc. Same cycle for years, but this particular time was traumatizing for me since I saw him almost die up-close. I havenít been able to much and just want my boyfriend to be there for me.

    As a result, I would like to go with him to the group trip to get away and also because our relationship needs to be spiced up anyway. He cannot keep me seperate from his friends all the time. (I barely am ever with him and them - only on special occasions). I explained all of this to him and he said that him wanting to be on the trip alone and my personal issues were seperate issues - ďI can be supportive and there for you, without you going on the trip with me.Ē

    I feel extremely hurt and awkward heading into this weekend (his birthday weekend). Am I wrong? Is there a compromise? Any thoughts or advice?

  2. #2
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    I think what happened with your brother is clouding your judgement in regards to taking him going away personally. I think your boyfriend just wants what he says time with his friends. He also knows even though weed youíre now comfortable with, it really isnít your scene.

    I understand wanting to get away during this time but donít hold whatís going on at home over his head. Can you go out with friends? Do something for yourself?

  3. #3
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    Ok... Iím going to be very blunt in order to help you understand (sorry in advance...)

    This trip is about him and his friends. It sounds like something he does every year, and the focus is supposed to be on spending time with his friends. You are an ďadd-onĒ. A 5th wheel in this dynamic.

    Last year, you kind of ruined it. You made something that was supposed to be about him and his friends about you. You shifted the focus. Instead of him enjoying his friends, he needed to tend to YOU and YOUR needs and insecurities. Your feelings about the weed. Your shyness around his friends. You hijacked the focus and made it all about you. You sucked up all the energy and he couldnít focus on his friends like he wanted to.

    Even in your reasons for wanting to go, you are making it all about you again. Your need to have him around. Your desire to spice things up. Again - itís not about you. These things are not the purpose of the trip. You are re-purposing and hijacking it again. The trip is about his friends.

    I think that itís perfectly appropriate for him to suggest another different trip for the two of you.

    If you put yourself in his shoes for a moment... letís say you and your 3 best girlfriends go to the spa every year. One year, ĎSallyí asks to invite her boyfriend. While there, Sallyís boyfriend complains about the spa, wants to be alone with Sally, doesnít seem enthusiastic about being with the group, etc. Wouldnít you ALSO not want Sally to bring her boyfriend the following year? While you are all tolerant of it to a certain degree, no one is going to be as tolerant as Sally herself (and even she might not be tolerant of that behavior)...

    Iím sure his friends - even if they like you - donít really want you to go either. You change the focus and dynamic of the trip.

    Honestly, I think you should let him go and not take it all personally. If you have other problems you want to address - thatís fine - but I agree itís a separate issue. THIS issue is about his friends only. Itís not about you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is all happening. He's not someone you can depend on. Especially he can't rescue you from all the unfortunate drama at home. The best thing you can do is carve out some healthy time and places for yourself.

    Don't hang out with people who use drugs or drink. Consider a few therapy sessions to sort some things out with the dynamic at home. Put your energy into work, school, etc. Get in shape, eat healthy pursue a clean and sober healthy lifestyle. Do it for you, do it for your brother..

    Join some LGBT groups for support. Takes some course or classes that interest you and/or reduce stress. Tai chi, yoga, classes at a gym, dancing, cooking whatever. Join some clubs or groups that reflect your interests. Hiking, sailing, golf, whatever. Take up some sports. The more you focus on reducing your stress and strengthening your coping skills, the less you'll depend on this guy and the more resilience you'll have in general.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I think you should take the time away from him while he is with his friends to think about why you want to be with him when he is depressed, has anxiety issues, is probably borderline personality disordered and he makes you feel that you're not valued.

    I don't even know you and I know you can do better.

    I also think that you would do well to get yourself into personal therapy so that you can process the mess that your brother is and how it is taking it's mental and emotional toil on you. Along with that, or instead of that you should join an al-non group that will help you to understand codependency which you likely have since your brother is such a case. I am of the opinion that anyone who was not codependent would never stay with someone who is as mixed up as your current boyfriend if they were not codependent.

    I'm sorry that I'm likely not telling you what you expected to hear but please don't dismiss it. Google "codependency" and read all you can on it and learn to choose wisely when it come to your romantic partners and when to leave when you're not feeling valued by who you are with.

    Good luck.


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