How to get over hurtful words?

I'm putting the TL;DR first:

How do you get over hurtful words said to you by your partner after a fight?

Now the context:

3 weeks ago I asked my boyfriend if maybe he could re-prioritize his schedule to see me a little more (we only really see each other once a week). When he said he couldn't because he has to make money, I asked him how much his side business, which is taking up a lot of his time, is making (obviously I shouldn't have said this but for some reason I thought it was appropriate in the moment). We resolved this conversation just fine. Basically realizing that no, it's not possible to spend more time together. We went out after and had a great time, no mention of the conversation again. The next week I see him and he isn't really talking to me. He avoided my kiss when I first saw him, gave me minimal word answers, and didn't look at me. We didn't spend much time together that night (shocking, right?) and I knew he was mad at me but couldn't think of what was wrong (though it's obvious now). I couldn't stop thinking about it and I eventually got sick with anxiety. The next day I asked him via text to tell me what was wrong. He said he would call me that night but I begged him to just tell me because I couldn't stand not knowing. I got a bunch of texts following that said a lot of things. But the two ones that jumped out at me were "You f**ked up," and "You've been acting extremely selfish."

We did resolve that fight but I was still silently dealing with some of the things he said when a few days ago, he starts giving me the silent treatment. I asked if he was mad at me and I got a reply a couple days later that yes he is mad at me. He calls me and while he didn't yell he was clearly very angry. He talked about my lack of energy, which I had been very open about with him. I am unsure at this time if it is a physical or mental health issue, as I do struggle with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive disorder. Again, he said a lot of things but what really hurt is he told me I wasn't "even trying" and that it is turning him off.

How do I deal with the emotions I'm feeling? I'm having a bit of an identity crisis (for lack of a better term) over being called selfish, because that's something I try really hard not to be. It also has me feeling a bit like I can't bring up what I would like in this relationship. I can't help but feel guilty every time I don't have the energy to do something and I also feel undesirable. Obviously I'm being too sensitive about it, whether it is because I'm just too sensitive or over thinking things but I can't help but be bothered by this. How do I work through this?

Sorry to hear this. Let it blow over. Asking for more tome is fine but suggesting his second job is nonproductive is not. Live and learn. Relax, people argue it happens. Bounce back now that you both know a bit more about each other.

I asked my boyfriend if maybe he could re-prioritize his schedule to see me a little more . When he said he couldn't because he has to make money, I asked him how much his side business, which is taking up a lot of his time, is making

I didn't mean to suggest that it is nonproductive. I'm very proud of him for starting his business. I just wanted one more day a week with him. I even suggested he could do his work while we are together but he didn't like that idea. But like they say, "intent isn't f**king magic" so I guess my point is moot.

(I thought I replied already, but I can't find it. My apologies if this is a duplicate).

When he said he couldn't because he has to make money, I asked him how much his side business, which is taking up a lot of his time, is making

I don't know how long you've been together, but depending, that's a dig that can really get someone thinking twice.

I'd find a guy who's more available if that's what you need.

Yeah, I realize this is not cool. It was a case of verbal diarrhea and I regret the hell out of it. My dumb*ss brain thought it was relevant at the time. My intent was more that his time is worth more than what he's charging his clients, but like I said in my previous reply, "intent isn't fu**ing magic."

This...

My intent was more that his time is worth more than what he's charging his clients

suggest[ing] that it is nonproductive.

Just be honest. He prioritized his business and you didn't like it. So you consciously made a low blow regarding the amount of money it was bringing in. That generally isn't going to fly, especially if you two are early into things.

I know what "intent isn't magic" means but I'm not sure how you're applying it here.

I think I somehow have myself convinced that was not my intent. Hence the intent/magic term. I clearly have a lot to reflect on. Thanks for your honesty.

It sounds like you two are on different levels, maybe not that compatible where spending quality time is involved?

I know for me if I’m incompatible with someone I butt heads with them early on. My pain in the rear personality rears it’s ugly head.

I think you did mean to say it to him about his business subconsciously because you resent it taking up most of your time with him. He could have said things better. Also him taking shots at you was uncalled for.

It sounds like things have been brewing for a while and this argument brought them out. Sadly your mentioning his unproductive side endeavor opened the flood gates to a laundry list of complaints he has about you.

It sounds like he is slowly but surely checking out and this catch-22 of he spends less time with you then you complain then he spends less time is not a good sign.

Most of this seems like a lot of incompatibility as limichelle points out. Perhaps it's just too much work for both of you to stay in this and try to force it to work when you're working against each other.

two ones that jumped out at me were "You f**ked up," and "You've been acting extremely selfish." He calls me and while he didn't yell he was clearly very angry. He talked about my lack of energy. he said a lot of things but what really hurt is he told me I wasn't "even trying" and that it is turning him off.

It seems like you're not very compatible in this issue of time but it feels to me that he's distancing himself from you. Was he acting distant and angry about stuff before your remarks?

I'd give him space and try to live my life separately from him and then after a while try to talk it out in person and listening to each other's side.

I think you shouldn't lose time defending yourself or trying to convince him of anything. Apologize if you feel sorry but don't get into a circular argument pattern. Talk actually tangible and practical solutions with him.

However if he's already checking out of the relationship, this might not work. But anyway I'd wait and see if possible.

Date someone you admire including in how he spends his working time whether it’s to make money or because he enjoys it or both. I could see if he was socializing all the time with others and not making time for you or including you but you hit him where if hurt. If you don’t respect or admire what he’s trying to do with his side business such that you express it by asking him to choose between his business and you and to devalue his business then maybe he should be asking the same thing as you- how to get over your hurtful words.

I’ve been on his side of things especially when I was a grad student and making no money to pursue my dream - in fact I was paying dearly for it - and guys who didn’t get it were not right for me.

Besides this discussion, it'd be helpful to have more details. How long have you been dating? How old are you two? Does he have his own place? What is his normal work schedule like? What is his side business schedule like?

Not to say that he is a workaholic because I have no details of your situation, but I'll just say that I once dated a workaholic who worked 72 hours a week and only had Sundays off. And on that day he'd sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon and complain of a headache when he woke up. He would fall asleep at 8:30 at night.

I really wasn't satisfied with our leisure time of course, since we would rarely ever go anywhere. I'm just telling you that if there is no end in sight for his work schedules, then realize what you see is what you get. You will be lacking in satisfaction for your romantic companionship. And if you did move forward and possibly wanted to marry and have kids together, you would likely be the main caretaker for the kids without help from him.

8 months after the breakup with the workaholic, I met my future husband, who has always satisfied me in being the companion I can enjoy my leisure time with. In your case, he might belong with a woman who finds it more beneficial to only get together with her guy once a week. In your case, perhaps you've now had the life experience to know that you'd prefer a guy who has more time to enjoy life with you. Breakups are painful, but in order to meet the man who satisfies all of your main needs, you need to be single to continue that search. Good luck.

My intent was more that his time is worth more than what he's charging his clients,

This makes no sense. You didn't pull some magic switch from the topic of time with you to some philanthropic urge to 'help' him manage his billable rate. That's none of your business in the first place, and it was shockingly rude and intrusive to ask. You imposed a manipulative message that he should cut his work hours in favor of seeing you.

Sometimes things set in later. Once he got past the shock of you actually asking how much he makes, he likely got pretty frosted. The fact that he's questioning the whole value of your relationship isn't a surprise.