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Thread: Tonight I learned that the guy i have been with for a year is insensitive

  1. #1

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    Tonight I learned that the guy i have been with for a year is insensitive

    Not sure what i'm looking for here. I just wanted to vent out and gather some thoughts. I'm feeling really blue and I have no one to talk to at this late hour so I needed to write it down.

    My boyfriend is insensative and here is why:

    My father called me today and told me that Grandma had a stroke and they are moving her to hospice. Now my grandma and grandpa raised me so my grandma is my mother as I have none. I love her dearly. My Grandpa passed away last year and it was sad but he was sick for over a year so I knew it was coming. My grandma I saw two weeks ago and she was fine and bragged about how great she felt for 95 as always. I didn't expect this call.

    I also live two hours from my grandma in Manhattan and do not have a car there. I wanted a ride, but i mainly did not want to go alone. The rest of my family is not close and I don't find comfort in them. So I texted my boyfriend after getting off the phone with my father. Isn't that what boyfriends are for? To comfort you in these times?

    So I texted him:

    "I was just told that my Grandma had a stroke and they are moving her hospice, can you please please drive me there so I can see her before she passes away."

    His response was "OMG!!!! I have to work early in the morning" He continued to ask why i couldn't go with my dad or why i couldn't drive myself there. He said it was raining and dangerous outside as one reason for not wanting to drive me, right after he suggested I drive myself. Yeah i could get there alone if i wanted the point was i didn't want to be alone.

    I probably reacted poorly as I instantly told him to never talk me to me again and i cursed him out on text and phone. I never do that but I was flooded with emtion of my grandma and his response to my request was not one that i expected.

    The conversation just went down hill from there me cursing and saying how insensative he was and selfish, him telling me i was selfish for asking him to go out of his way.

    He called me trying to apologize and gave me a reason that I misread his OMG, meaning OMG she is in the hospital. Then he gave me some speal about how family is first and he realizes I don't really have any family so he offered to drive me but it was a damaged offer by that point. I turned it down. In that very call he esentially told me he didn't concider me family (not using those exact words) and if it were his mom he would involve me later depite the fact that i go to his family gatherings and he has asked me to have his kid multiple times.

    We are not kids i'm in my mid 30's and he is in his early 40's.

    I have a problem where i always go right back to guys, i can't deal with the pain of leaving. I convince myself to doubt my reasons for being mad. Like i know my anger is justified. I reacted perhaps poorly but I felt justified.

    I allowed a back and fourth between us to end with him sorta blaming me for cursing him out, and letting him offer to take me one more time, but just to take me and not go in because he can't deal with death. Then it turned to him stating he was being sweet because he didn't want to drive at night and will get an Uber both ways which was well over $100. I offered to drive there at the very least He doesn't think i can drive and said he would not go if i drove. Basically he prefered a total stranger to drive us there.

    I thought about his offer more on my train ride from the city to westchester where he lives. I decided to decline the uber ride. I felt upset after replaying what had happened in my head. I asked him to pick me up at the train and take me to my car I was going to drive to my Grandma. I didn't hug him despite his wanting to make up. I was pretty damn cold.

    I am dealing with a grandma on her deathbed, and what feels like i'm breaking up with my boyfriend on the same day.

    It's very hard and I feel very bad.

    Part of me always starts to twist things and i convince myself I have over reacted, but I'm not sure I did this time.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. However taking it out on your bf seems to have backfired, even though he repeatedly apologized, offered to drive, etc. It's amazing he's still talking to you no less apologizing and offering to take you. Try to use better coping skills than becoming abusive toward people when they don't do exactly what you want when you want.
    Originally Posted by Shell112
    So I texted him:

    "I was just told that my Grandma had a stroke and they are moving her hospice, can you please please drive me there so I can see her before she passes away."

    His response was "OMG!!!! I have to work early in the morning"

    -I instantly told him to never talk me to me again and i cursed him out on text and phone.
    -me cursing and saying how insensative he was and selfish

    -He called me trying to apologize and gave me a reason that I misread his OMG, meaning OMG she is in the hospital.
    -he offered to drive me but it was a damaged offer by that point. I turned it down.

  3. #3
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    He maybe didn't react very well but unfortunately you've escalated it into a huge thing when it didn't have to be. Obviously you weren't in a good place at the time.

  4. #4
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    Your grandmother is like your mother, I get it. And I can only imagine (because I am not you but I can relate and I am very very sorry). However your boyfriend could lose or jeopardize his job if he is not alert enough at work on little sleep after that kind of long drive in the rain. This was not an emergency where you were broken down on the side of the road or you needed to get to an ER and could not go alone -you wanted the emotional support but to have him drive 4 hours round trip and then get little sleep and go to work - think about what you were asking of him. Yes UBER is expensive and I lived in a big city like yours and I get it. But sometimes you have to throw money at the problem and he likely could have stayed on the phone with you or talked to you during the trip for comfort until he had to go to sleep for work. The point is you didn't want to be alone. The other point is you wanted him to be sleep deprived and do a long drive in the rain when he had to be up early for work. I realize this is a time you're going to be self-absorbed and want what you want - just try to see it from his perspective. Certainly if you said you were suicidal about your grandmother and had to see her and that's why you couldn't be alone then sure -but this wasn't the type of emergency where he had to do a long drive in the rain and not be alert for work the next day. Please give it some thought when you are feeling calmer.

    I hope your get to see your grandmother a lot at this time.

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  6. #5
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    My darling I have been there and had to get a taxi from this county to my home county ...because my mum was dying and I had missed the last coach out . While I had an agonising journey , I knew the world was carrying on around me , because that is what has to happen .... we feel like it should stand still and realise we need some help here ..some support ...but it will carry on regardless and this is what has happened with your b/friend .

    Just get to her ..just put him and this situation aside and just get home .

    My thoughts are with you at this sad time <3 may the angels guide you home in time xxxxxx

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry you're dealing with the expected loss of your beloved grandma. I know that my husband would have taken the next day off and accompanied me to be there for me emotionally at such a difficult time because of his past behavior at other difficult times. I would do the same for him. Therefore, I believe your bf's decision is very telling, and a predictor of how he will behave in the future.

    I believe you should have phoned him instead of texting on such an important matter, so that maybe the discussion could've gone differently.

    But I agree he is thinking of himself more than you at this critical time. I don't know if I'd move on with someone like this. Has he taken care of you when you're sick? In what ways does he put you before himself when necessary, if ever? You have a lot to think about, so really consider if he is the person you want for a lifetime, and if not, be stronger than you have been in the past about doing what's best for yourself. Tell yourself you're older and wiser now and make it happen. Good luck.

  8. #7
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    Iím so sorry, dealing with someone you love dying is extremely difficult. Pippy is right in that life goes on regardless of deaths plans. It doesnít excuse your boyfriends lack of insensitivity. I can see Andrinas point in wondering if heíll be there when youíre sick?

    I can also see that a long drive isnít what he can do but he could have catered more to your feelings.

  9. #8
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    First of all, I'm so sorry about your grandma. Situations like this are never easy, but the holidays make it even more difficult.

    Having said that, I do think you overreacted to your boyfriend, I'm sorry to say.

    Texts are horrible as a means for any communication deeper than "Be there at 5:00", or "pick up milk". As you found out, his OMG meant that he couldn't believe your grandma was having a stroke, not OMG you're bugging me.

    In his defense, it would be very hard to take an immediate day off work to drive someone else to their grandmother's home, when she hasn't passed away. I know it would be difficult for me to explain, and I bet it would be hard for him.

    I so wish that you had called him with this news instead of text. I think this whole thing could have gone so differently, had he heard your tone, your inflection, your actual voice.

    The fact that he called you to apologize tells me that he realized his text didn't sound as intended. You barbed back with anger, likely stemming from your upset about your grandma.

    How to move forward? Meet him in person. No more texting, no more misconstruing what he says, no more yelling and calling names. Just, meet him in person, and express your emotions to his face, not his screen. I have a feeling you'll get a whole new response.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating?
    Originally Posted by Shell112
    I wanted a ride, but i mainly did not want to go alone. Isn't that what boyfriends are for? To comfort you in these times?

  11. #10
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    Unfortunately, we see who people are in times of crisis. I gained friends and ended long term relationships during difficult times like this. Your bf is selfish.

    I would have reacted the same way. I would have been done. I also believe that if you look back, you will recognize that this is not the first time.

    I am very sorry about your grandmother. I hope that there is a turnaround and she will be okay.

    I live in the NYC, too. Why don;t you take a train? Uber would be terribly expensive. If you have a car, you should drive yourself. The rain is clearing out this afternoon.

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