Tonight I learned that the guy i have been with for a year is insensitive

Not sure what i'm looking for here. I just wanted to vent out and gather some thoughts. I'm feeling really blue and I have no one to talk to at this late hour so I needed to write it down.

My boyfriend is insensative and here is why:

My father called me today and told me that Grandma had a stroke and they are moving her to hospice. Now my grandma and grandpa raised me so my grandma is my mother as I have none. I love her dearly. My Grandpa passed away last year and it was sad but he was sick for over a year so I knew it was coming. My grandma I saw two weeks ago and she was fine and bragged about how great she felt for 95 as always. I didn't expect this call.

I also live two hours from my grandma in Manhattan and do not have a car there. I wanted a ride, but i mainly did not want to go alone. The rest of my family is not close and I don't find comfort in them. So I texted my boyfriend after getting off the phone with my father. Isn't that what boyfriends are for? To comfort you in these times?

So I texted him:

"I was just told that my Grandma had a stroke and they are moving her hospice, can you please please drive me there so I can see her before she passes away."

His response was "OMG!!!! I have to work early in the morning" He continued to ask why i couldn't go with my dad or why i couldn't drive myself there. He said it was raining and dangerous outside as one reason for not wanting to drive me, right after he suggested I drive myself. Yeah i could get there alone if i wanted the point was i didn't want to be alone.

I probably reacted poorly as I instantly told him to never talk me to me again and i cursed him out on text and phone. I never do that but I was flooded with emtion of my grandma and his response to my request was not one that i expected.

The conversation just went down hill from there me cursing and saying how insensative he was and selfish, him telling me i was selfish for asking him to go out of his way.

He called me trying to apologize and gave me a reason that I misread his OMG, meaning OMG she is in the hospital. Then he gave me some speal about how family is first and he realizes I don't really have any family so he offered to drive me but it was a damaged offer by that point. I turned it down. In that very call he esentially told me he didn't concider me family (not using those exact words) and if it were his mom he would involve me later depite the fact that i go to his family gatherings and he has asked me to have his kid multiple times.

We are not kids i'm in my mid 30's and he is in his early 40's.

I have a problem where i always go right back to guys, i can't deal with the pain of leaving. I convince myself to doubt my reasons for being mad. Like i know my anger is justified. I reacted perhaps poorly but I felt justified.

I allowed a back and fourth between us to end with him sorta blaming me for cursing him out, and letting him offer to take me one more time, but just to take me and not go in because he can't deal with death. Then it turned to him stating he was being sweet because he didn't want to drive at night and will get an Uber both ways which was well over $100. I offered to drive there at the very least He doesn't think i can drive and said he would not go if i drove. Basically he prefered a total stranger to drive us there.

I thought about his offer more on my train ride from the city to westchester where he lives. I decided to decline the uber ride. I felt upset after replaying what had happened in my head. I asked him to pick me up at the train and take me to my car I was going to drive to my Grandma. I didn't hug him despite his wanting to make up. I was pretty damn cold.

I am dealing with a grandma on her deathbed, and what feels like i'm breaking up with my boyfriend on the same day.

It's very hard and I feel very bad.

Part of me always starts to twist things and i convince myself I have over reacted, but I'm not sure I did this time.

Sorry this happened. However taking it out on your bf seems to have backfired, even though he repeatedly apologized, offered to drive, etc. It's amazing he's still talking to you no less apologizing and offering to take you. Try to use better coping skills than becoming abusive toward people when they don't do exactly what you want when you want.

So I texted him:

 

"I was just told that my Grandma had a stroke and they are moving her hospice, can you please please drive me there so I can see her before she passes away."

 

His response was "OMG!!!! I have to work early in the morning"

 

-I instantly told him to never talk me to me again and i cursed him out on text and phone.

-me cursing and saying how insensative he was and selfish

-He called me trying to apologize and gave me a reason that I misread his OMG, meaning OMG she is in the hospital.

-he offered to drive me but it was a damaged offer by that point. I turned it down.

He maybe didn't react very well but unfortunately you've escalated it into a huge thing when it didn't have to be. Obviously you weren't in a good place at the time.

Your grandmother is like your mother, I get it. And I can only imagine (because I am not you but I can relate and I am very very sorry). However your boyfriend could lose or jeopardize his job if he is not alert enough at work on little sleep after that kind of long drive in the rain. This was not an emergency where you were broken down on the side of the road or you needed to get to an ER and could not go alone -you wanted the emotional support but to have him drive 4 hours round trip and then get little sleep and go to work - think about what you were asking of him. Yes UBER is expensive and I lived in a big city like yours and I get it. But sometimes you have to throw money at the problem and he likely could have stayed on the phone with you or talked to you during the trip for comfort until he had to go to sleep for work. The point is you didn't want to be alone. The other point is you wanted him to be sleep deprived and do a long drive in the rain when he had to be up early for work. I realize this is a time you're going to be self-absorbed and want what you want - just try to see it from his perspective. Certainly if you said you were suicidal about your grandmother and had to see her and that's why you couldn't be alone then sure -but this wasn't the type of emergency where he had to do a long drive in the rain and not be alert for work the next day. Please give it some thought when you are feeling calmer.

I hope your get to see your grandmother a lot at this time.

My darling I have been there and had to get a taxi from this county to my home county ...because my mum was dying and I had missed the last coach out . While I had an agonising journey , I knew the world was carrying on around me , because that is what has to happen .... we feel like it should stand still and realise we need some help here ..some support ...but it will carry on regardless and this is what has happened with your b/friend .

Just get to her ..just put him and this situation aside and just get home .

My thoughts are with you at this sad time

I'm very sorry you're dealing with the expected loss of your beloved grandma. I know that my husband would have taken the next day off and accompanied me to be there for me emotionally at such a difficult time because of his past behavior at other difficult times. I would do the same for him. Therefore, I believe your bf's decision is very telling, and a predictor of how he will behave in the future.

I believe you should have phoned him instead of texting on such an important matter, so that maybe the discussion could've gone differently.

But I agree he is thinking of himself more than you at this critical time. I don't know if I'd move on with someone like this. Has he taken care of you when you're sick? In what ways does he put you before himself when necessary, if ever? You have a lot to think about, so really consider if he is the person you want for a lifetime, and if not, be stronger than you have been in the past about doing what's best for yourself. Tell yourself you're older and wiser now and make it happen. Good luck.

I’m so sorry, dealing with someone you love dying is extremely difficult. Pippy is right in that life goes on regardless of deaths plans. It doesn’t excuse your boyfriends lack of insensitivity. I can see Andrinas point in wondering if he’ll be there when you’re sick?

I can also see that a long drive isn’t what he can do but he could have catered more to your feelings.

First of all, I'm so sorry about your grandma. Situations like this are never easy, but the holidays make it even more difficult.

Having said that, I do think you overreacted to your boyfriend, I'm sorry to say.

Texts are horrible as a means for any communication deeper than "Be there at 5:00", or "pick up milk". As you found out, his OMG meant that he couldn't believe your grandma was having a stroke, not OMG you're bugging me.

In his defense, it would be very hard to take an immediate day off work to drive someone else to their grandmother's home, when she hasn't passed away. I know it would be difficult for me to explain, and I bet it would be hard for him.

I so wish that you had called him with this news instead of text. I think this whole thing could have gone so differently, had he heard your tone, your inflection, your actual voice.

The fact that he called you to apologize tells me that he realized his text didn't sound as intended. You barbed back with anger, likely stemming from your upset about your grandma.

How to move forward? Meet him in person. No more texting, no more misconstruing what he says, no more yelling and calling names. Just, meet him in person, and express your emotions to his face, not his screen. I have a feeling you'll get a whole new response.

How long have you been dating?

I wanted a ride, but i mainly did not want to go alone. Isn't that what boyfriends are for? To comfort you in these times?

Unfortunately, we see who people are in times of crisis. I gained friends and ended long term relationships during difficult times like this. Your bf is selfish.

I would have reacted the same way. I would have been done. I also believe that if you look back, you will recognize that this is not the first time.

I am very sorry about your grandmother. I hope that there is a turnaround and she will be okay.

I live in the NYC, too. Why don;t you take a train? Uber would be terribly expensive. If you have a car, you should drive yourself. The rain is clearing out this afternoon.

I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother. As for your boyfriend, he does seem selfish. Reminds me of my father. When my grandma had cancer, the doctors called my mum the day of the operation and warned her grandma was unlikely to survive due to heart problems. My mum was desperate, she called my father who had gone to the beach, told him everything and asked him to come home, because she needed support. His reply was: "Are you mad? The sun is still there!"

I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother. As for your boyfriend, he does seem selfish. Reminds me of my father. When my grandma had cancer, the doctors called my mum the day of the operation and warned her grandma was unlikely to survive due to heart problems. My mum was desperate, she called my father who had gone to the beach, told him everything and asked him to come home, because she needed support. His reply was: "Are you mad? The sun is still there!"

Wow! Are they still together?

Wow! Are they still together?

no, their relations had been very bad, but at that moment my mother understood that it was all over then, because those words made her lose the last drops of respect towards him. They lived several more years together just not to traumatise me (that was a mistake, in my opinion, just like their marriage itself) and then divorced.

I'm glad your mother took that step. Did your father later understand how bad his behavior was? Is he the same with you?

no, their relations had been very bad, but at that moment my mother understood that it was all over then, because those words made her lose the last drops of respect towards him. They lived several more years together just not to traumatise me (that was a mistake, in my opinion, just like their marriage itself) and then divorced.

You do realize that the guy you are dating is like your dad. You should listen to your mother. You should also understand why you are attracted to someone who is so strange and inconsistent with their behavior.

You do realize that the guy you are dating is like your dad. You should listen to your mother. You should also understand why you are attracted to someone who is so strange and inconsistent with their behavior.

Bit of a difference between husband/wife and girlfriend of one year, not sending your boyfriend out of his way to navigate Manhattan while it's flash-flooding and he's got work the next day rather than him wanting to keep lounging at the beach. Without knowing his job, his attendance policies, what's at stake taking a last minute absence, etc., most companies don't extend bereavement nor, unfortunately, much sympathy when it comes the grandma of a one-year girlfriend.

And, speaking personally, my abuela is like a mother to me but, while a big part of my life, wasn't the primary caregiver yours seems to have been. Even given that, if I found out she was on her way to her potential deathbed, you can be damn sure the last thing I would be doing is wasting time calling up my girlfriend to cuss her out. And I wouldn't be wasting even more time waiting on a girlfriend putting pants off and driving however far / long to pick me up. That detail alone is obscenely baffling to me. I get that people grieve in different ways, but I have no idea how that sequence of priorities develops.

I'd have a lot more sympathy if you'd-- first of all-- actually called instead of texted about something like this. Again, when we're talking dying mother figure, completely baffling. And second of all, said something to the effect of, "Hey, my grandma is on her way to hospice and I'm getting an Uber there right now. It'd really mean a lot to me if you were able to meet me and my family there whenever you get the opportunity."

How'd you end up getting there anyhow?

Bit of a difference between husband/wife and girlfriend of one year, not sending your boyfriend out of his way to navigate Manhattan while it's flash-flooding and he's got work the next day rather than him wanting to keep lounging at the beach. Without knowing his job, his attendance policies, what's at stake taking a last minute absence, etc., most companies don't extend bereavement nor, unfortunately, much sympathy when it comes the grandma of a one-year girlfriend.

 

And, speaking personally, my abuela is like a mother to me but, while a big part of my life, wasn't the primary caregiver yours seems to have been. Even given that, if I found out she was on her way to her potential deathbed, you can be damn sure the last thing I would be doing is wasting time calling up my girlfriend to cuss her out. And I wouldn't be wasting even more time waiting on a girlfriend putting pants off and driving however far / long to pick me up. That detail alone is obscenely baffling to me. I get that people grieve in different ways, but I have no idea how that sequence of priorities develops.

 

I'd have a lot more sympathy if you'd-- first of all-- actually called instead of texted about something like this. Again, when we're talking dying mother figure, completely baffling. And second of all, said something to the effect of, "Hey, my grandma is on her way to hospice and I'm getting an Uber there right now. It'd really mean a lot to me if you were able to meet me and my family there whenever you get the opportunity."

 

How'd you end up getting there anyhow?

I agree with this - and to repeat what Jman wrote, marriage is different -then it's family -an inlaw - plus being on vacation or having that kind of time to drive is very different too. He could have stayed on the phone with you for part of your Uber ride and of course once you got there obviously you'd want to focus on your loved one -so your boyfriend would have sat there comforting you I get it but again not an emergency.

First and foremost I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I lost my mother last month, so I understand.

I get your bf's knee jerk response was insensitive and not what you wanted to hear, but I think we are all capable of popping off with something and then realizing how it came off and then regretting it.

It sounds like he rethought his response and tried to make it up to you but you wouldn't even consider it. No doubt flooded with emotion and you yourself admitted you didn't handle your part the way you would have liked. So now you two are even both saying things you can't take back. Where do you go from here?

Are there other instances where he's been insensitive? Or is otherwise everything else good?

If so, I'd just write this off to a learning experience. Take a breath, regroup and apologize to each other.

in the end, yes you did over-react.

we all deal and react to death differntly - and especially when it's our family vs not our family.

yo also never mentioned how long you have been bf/gf - that could play a part in it too.

You must realize that you were emotional and thus maybe YOU weren't necessarily reacting/thinking normally either and when the bf made MULTIPLE extremely generous attempts to make-up for it and do EVEN MORE THAN you intiailly wanted - YOU became selfish by holding his IMMEDIATE reaction (or your interpretation of his reaction) against him no matter what he offered beyond the initial reaction. That... is SELFISH..

Sure there are arguments you can make that he should've reacted better initially. But on teh WHOLE - he offered a lot, and you just couldn't get out of your head a specific reaction you wanted at a specific time. that's pretty harsh. No matter what that one-specific-time reaction was by him.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss and unexpected loss. I hope you are able to travel safe to/from and be with loved ones during this time.

Focus on that for now and worry about all this other stuff later. This stuff is just not that important compared to your grandmother right now - for now.

First and foremost I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I lost my mother last month, so I understand.

Darling I am so sorry xxxx

I will state, I am sorry for the hard times you are experiencing. I am sure you are in emotional turmoil right now and are not in a good frame of mind.

However, you are for sure overreacting here. Your boyfriend is not insensitive, he is being realistic. He has a job and you are risking it by emotionally blackmailing him. I am sure you are not doing this intentionally, but right now you are only thinking about your side and not his. Look, he needs to support himself. While they mean well, those who say he should have agreed with you in a heartbeat are being unrealistic and not fair. You are not a legitimate spouse. You are a girlfriend, of one year at that, who is not legally family. Your boyfriend has no legal rights to your family, hence it will be extremely hard for him to take off or will inevitably jeopordize his work to do what you want him to. Bereavement is granted to only legal family members and a job won't give a hoot in his case; the situation is not equivalent. In a sense, you are asking him here to jeopordize his job for you. He knows his work situation better than you or anyone here. One job could understand and let their employees take off, while others will not. It depends and is different from job to job.

I am sorry for the news you received, but you are being selfish here. He is clearly trying his best to work with you around his only means for living, while you scoff at his attempts because it's not what you wanted right off the bat. You are being insensitive to his situation and his attempts at trying to be there for you. He is not being insensitive because he is trying to be there for you while keeping his job. There are other ways he can be there for you, such as talking to you over the phone whenever he can, going to visit with you when he gets a chance to be off work, helping you with finances etc. You just don't see it, due to the situation you are dealing with now.

My advice is to check yourself. Your grandmother is going to hospice right now, she is still alive and you've been wasting precious time taking your feelings out on your boyfriend instead of talking to or being with your family. Let him be there for you how he can, instead of throwing a fit over what he cannot do what you want right now.

He called me trying to apologize and gave me a reason that I misread his OMG, meaning OMG she is in the hospital. Then he gave me some speal about how family is first and he realizes I don't really have any family so he offered to drive me but it was a damaged offer by that point. I turned it down.

I have to ask though: Why would you not call him on the phone instead of texting him your request? That was a very important conversation and important conversations should be done face to face or voice to voice, not texted out.

After re-reading that, I realizing that it sounds rather harsh. I still have the same opinion but change the "I lost any sympathy for you." I do have sympathy for how you are feeling over the pending loss of your dear Grandma.

You need to respond to him. I didn't realize he offered after he had misread the text.

Next time, call when it is an important matter.