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Thread: Tonight I learned that the guy i have been with for a year is insensitive

  1. #11
    Member Silentiosa's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother. As for your boyfriend, he does seem selfish. Reminds me of my father. When my grandma had cancer, the doctors called my mum the day of the operation and warned her grandma was unlikely to survive due to heart problems. My mum was desperate, she called my father who had gone to the beach, told him everything and asked him to come home, because she needed support. His reply was: "Are you mad? The sun is still there!"

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Silentiosa
    I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother. As for your boyfriend, he does seem selfish. Reminds me of my father. When my grandma had cancer, the doctors called my mum the day of the operation and warned her grandma was unlikely to survive due to heart problems. My mum was desperate, she called my father who had gone to the beach, told him everything and asked him to come home, because she needed support. His reply was: "Are you mad? The sun is still there!"
    Wow! Are they still together?

  3. #13
    Member Silentiosa's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Wow! Are they still together?
    no, their relations had been very bad, but at that moment my mother understood that it was all over then, because those words made her lose the last drops of respect towards him. They lived several more years together just not to traumatise me (that was a mistake, in my opinion, just like their marriage itself) and then divorced.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Silentiosa
    no, their relations had been very bad, but at that moment my mother understood that it was all over then, because those words made her lose the last drops of respect towards him. They lived several more years together just not to traumatise me (that was a mistake, in my opinion, just like their marriage itself) and then divorced.
    I'm glad your mother took that step. Did your father later understand how bad his behavior was? Is he the same with you?

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Silentiosa
    no, their relations had been very bad, but at that moment my mother understood that it was all over then, because those words made her lose the last drops of respect towards him. They lived several more years together just not to traumatise me (that was a mistake, in my opinion, just like their marriage itself) and then divorced.
    You do realize that the guy you are dating is like your dad. You should listen to your mother. You should also understand why you are attracted to someone who is so strange and inconsistent with their behavior.

  7. #16
    Member Silentiosa's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You do realize that the guy you are dating is like your dad. You should listen to your mother. You should also understand why you are attracted to someone who is so strange and inconsistent with their behavior.
    I'm going to reply in my thread, so that there is no off-topic here, thank you.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Bit of a difference between husband/wife and girlfriend of one year, not sending your boyfriend out of his way to navigate Manhattan while it's flash-flooding and he's got work the next day rather than him wanting to keep lounging at the beach. Without knowing his job, his attendance policies, what's at stake taking a last minute absence, etc., most companies don't extend bereavement nor, unfortunately, much sympathy when it comes the grandma of a one-year girlfriend.

    And, speaking personally, my abuela is like a mother to me but, while a big part of my life, wasn't the primary caregiver yours seems to have been. Even given that, if I found out she was on her way to her potential deathbed, you can be damn sure the last thing I would be doing is wasting time calling up my girlfriend to cuss her out. And I wouldn't be wasting even more time waiting on a girlfriend putting pants off and driving however far / long to pick me up. That detail alone is obscenely baffling to me. I get that people grieve in different ways, but I have no idea how that sequence of priorities develops.

    I'd have a lot more sympathy if you'd-- first of all-- actually called instead of texted about something like this. Again, when we're talking dying mother figure, completely baffling. And second of all, said something to the effect of, "Hey, my grandma is on her way to hospice and I'm getting an Uber there right now. It'd really mean a lot to me if you were able to meet me and my family there whenever you get the opportunity."

    How'd you end up getting there anyhow?

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    Bit of a difference between husband/wife and girlfriend of one year, not sending your boyfriend out of his way to navigate Manhattan while it's flash-flooding and he's got work the next day rather than him wanting to keep lounging at the beach. Without knowing his job, his attendance policies, what's at stake taking a last minute absence, etc., most companies don't extend bereavement nor, unfortunately, much sympathy when it comes the grandma of a one-year girlfriend.

    And, speaking personally, my abuela is like a mother to me but, while a big part of my life, wasn't the primary caregiver yours seems to have been. Even given that, if I found out she was on her way to her potential deathbed, you can be damn sure the last thing I would be doing is wasting time calling up my girlfriend to cuss her out. And I wouldn't be wasting even more time waiting on a girlfriend putting pants off and driving however far / long to pick me up. That detail alone is obscenely baffling to me. I get that people grieve in different ways, but I have no idea how that sequence of priorities develops.

    I'd have a lot more sympathy if you'd-- first of all-- actually called instead of texted about something like this. Again, when we're talking dying mother figure, completely baffling. And second of all, said something to the effect of, "Hey, my grandma is on her way to hospice and I'm getting an Uber there right now. It'd really mean a lot to me if you were able to meet me and my family there whenever you get the opportunity."

    How'd you end up getting there anyhow?
    I agree with this - and to repeat what Jman wrote, marriage is different -then it's family -an inlaw - plus being on vacation or having that kind of time to drive is very different too. He could have stayed on the phone with you for part of your Uber ride and of course once you got there obviously you'd want to focus on your loved one -so your boyfriend would have sat there comforting you I get it but again not an emergency.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    First and foremost I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I lost my mother last month, so I understand.

    I get your bf's knee jerk response was insensitive and not what you wanted to hear, but I think we are all capable of popping off with something and then realizing how it came off and then regretting it.

    It sounds like he rethought his response and tried to make it up to you but you wouldn't even consider it. No doubt flooded with emotion and you yourself admitted you didn't handle your part the way you would have liked. So now you two are even both saying things you can't take back. Where do you go from here?

    Are there other instances where he's been insensitive? Or is otherwise everything else good?
    If so, I'd just write this off to a learning experience. Take a breath, regroup and apologize to each other.

  11. #20
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    in the end, yes you did over-react.
    we all deal and react to death differntly - and especially when it's our family vs not our family.
    yo also never mentioned how long you have been bf/gf - that could play a part in it too.

    You must realize that you were emotional and thus maybe YOU weren't necessarily reacting/thinking normally either and when the bf made MULTIPLE extremely generous attempts to make-up for it and do EVEN MORE THAN you intiailly wanted - YOU became selfish by holding his IMMEDIATE reaction (or your interpretation of his reaction) against him no matter what he offered beyond the initial reaction. That... is SELFISH..

    Sure there are arguments you can make that he should've reacted better initially. But on teh WHOLE - he offered a lot, and you just couldn't get out of your head a specific reaction you wanted at a specific time. that's pretty harsh. No matter what that one-specific-time reaction was by him.

    I'm sorry to hear of your loss and unexpected loss. I hope you are able to travel safe to/from and be with loved ones during this time.
    Focus on that for now and worry about all this other stuff later. This stuff is just not that important compared to your grandmother right now - for now.

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