Am I being paranoid?

Yesterday was me and my bfs one year anniversary. He took me to a concert. It was amazing.

On our way there he gets a message, and nonchalantly says out loud “oh it’s the girl that’s trying to bite me.” Then he showed me messages that an ex-coworker of his was sending him saying that she wants to “ bite him” and basically flirting with him. He was like “what? Are you a vampire?” And she played along with that. He showed me the msgs (I never asked to see them.) she told him she wants to steal him from me and he said no can can steal him from me bc he loves me. Then was asking for advice to deal with her current toxic ex relationship who she lives in the same house with still. So he was basically giving her advice on how to deal with that.

 

This morning after giving it thought I realized I’m not as over it as I thought. Idk how to feel knowing he talks to someone that blatantly admits to wanting him while he’s with me, but I’m also super against “forcing” my partner to stop speaking to other people because that’s controlling and manipulative and just doesn’t work, not to mention we will all do what we wanna do anyway.

 

I acted on impulse and confronted him about a text he got at 2:30am while he was filming a video to send to me. He admitted he was talking to her but he said he was talking about her current toxic situation. But that’s what he had said earlier too and talked about at 7pm when we were together... I told him the whole thing gave me a sense of dejavú since I’ve been in a similar situation before and my gut was right on track. So I kind of already made myself look insecure as hell by pretty much accusing him to set up a cheating scenario.

I don’t wanna make the same mistake twice. So I need advice on how to handle the situation best moving forward. How to deal with this feeling that won’t go away now, the feeling that he’s talking to her all day now.

 

It’s the first time something like this happens with him.

So you were in this situation before with someone else? Why do you say you don’t want to make the same mistake twice if you were right about the situation? So this past person was cheating on you?

 

In terms of her “toxic” relationship, she’s not talking to him at 2:30 in the morning and then at 7 pm “just” about this relationship.

 

You say that you don’t want to shake the boat and tell him who he can and can’t talk to, but are you OK with him flirting with another girl right in front of you even if he does show you the messages? Does that make it OK that he shows you the messages?

Yes this past relationship where it happened cheated on me.

 

He wasn't flirting with her in the messages, he showed them to me and wasn't in what I saw at least but that was when we were together at 7pm. And I agree. And no I am not. Not okay at all with that. Nor am I willing to go through it again, no matter who is the one doing it or how much I love them.

Some of these guys really have no shame, seriously. They think "oh I'll just show her (his gf) the messages and she'll think it's all legit." What does he think that you have "stupid" written on your forehead or something?

 

It's not all legit; Alex why are you so afraid to rock the boat? So what if it causes an argument, he's behaving inappropriately, kick him the hell out of your bed!

 

Or if you're at his, YOU leave. Hell, my boyfriend takes a call from some chick at 2:30 in the morning and proceeds to start chatting/flirting with her right in front of my face, I don't care if it's our anniversary, this is not acceptable, at least not to me, and I would be telling him that too, and if he even attempts to gaslight me calling me paranoid, jealous or insecure, or whatever, he's DONE.

 

I really have NO tolerance for that crap and you shouldn't either.

Some of these guys really have no shame, seriously. They think "oh I'll just show her (his gf) the messages and she'll think it's all legit." What does he think that you have "stupid" written on your forehead or something?

 

It's not all legit; Alex why are you so afraid to rock the boat? So what if it causes an argument, he's behaving inappropriately, kick him the hell out of your bed!

 

Or if you're at his, YOU leave. Hell, my boyfriend takes a call from some chick at 2:30 in the morning and proceeds to start chatting/flirting with her right in front of my face, I don't care if it's our anniversary, this is not acceptable, at least not to me, and I would be telling him that too, and if he even attempts to gaslight me calling me paranoid, jealous or insecure, or whatever, he's DONE.

 

I really have NO tolerance for that crap and you shouldn't either.

 

Thanks Katrina! I did tell him, well, I told him I felt disrespected but didn't explicitly say I'm not ok with it happening again. He calmed me down but I just, I dunno. Now I am not happy. He hasn't gaslighted me at least. He said if I have any worries to just tell him. Now I'm considering telling him he has to stop talking to her.

I'm actually considering it too. To me this isn't acceptable either and I am glad its not just paranoia. He did get short with me when we first spoke. He was upset with me for basically accusing him of attempting to cheat.

Well if it were me, I would NOT be telling him to stop talking to her, I'm his girlfriend, not his prison warden or worse, his mother, for goodness sakes.

 

He can do whatever the hell he wants, he's a grown man, it's up to me to decide if it's something I am okay with (which this is not) and if I'm not, I leave, period, end of.

 

That will send a louder message than me telling him to stop doing something he obviously wants to do otherwise he wouldn't have done/be doing it!

 

And don't think he doesn't know he's behaving badly, if he has two brain cells to rub together, he already knows he is, and I'm specifically talking 2:30 in the morning, flirting and then showing you the damn messages? Who behaves like that, how old is he?

 

As you can see I'm getting wound up just imagining myself in this scenario and jmo but you're too passive. He tried to calm you down? How condescending.

 

You're walking on eggshells with him, too afraid to rock the boat, I guess for fear of him negatively judging or you possibly losing him. My attitude about that is let him think whatever he wants about me, don't care, at least I still have my self-respect.

 

And if you did lose him over this, he can stay lost as far as I'm concerned.

 

Again, ZERO tolerance for that immature game-playing bullcrap.

Katrina you prob dont realize it but you're amazing and I am so thankful to have read this because you put into perspective something I had forgotten about and didnt realize.

 

I feel scared to lose him, but had forgotten that I am whole without him.

Also thank you for bringing into perspective that I CANNOT tell him what to do, I can only respect MYSELF enough to be the one to do something.

 

Like I am crying thinking of all this. I'm just so thankful for you rn.

He's asleep right now... should I call him and tell him... but what do I tell him exactly? I'm not telling him to stop talking to her.

Hi Alex,

 

Katrina gave you really good advice. I just also wanted to point out action speaks louder then words. You can’t stop him from talking to her. It’s the principle of the matter he wants to talk to her.

 

You deserve someone who only cherishes you and puts your needs before theirs.

 

My friend was in a similar situation and she was with the guy for eight years. He was talking to some girl to help her through a situation at midnight! When my friend confronted him about it, he just explained she needed him. Well my friend found out heartbreaking enough that he was indeed cheating on her.

 

I never liked the guy. He never cherished her or treated her with respect.

 

I’m not saying your boyfriend is cheating. But it sounds like I hate to be blunt he just doesn’t care about your relationship.

 

I would sleep on it, in the morning tell him you deserve better.

Hi Alex,

 

Katrina gave you really good advice. I just also wanted to point out action speaks louder then words. You can’t stop him from talking to her. It’s the principle of the matter he wants to talk to her.

 

You deserve someone who only cherishes you and puts your needs before theirs.

 

My friend was in a similar situation and she was with the guy for eight years. He was talking to some girl to help her through a situation at midnight! When my friend confronted him about it, he just explained she needed him. Well my friend found out heartbreaking enough that he was indeed cheating on her.

 

I never liked the guy. He never cherished her or treated her with respect.

 

I’m not saying your boyfriend is cheating. But it sounds like I hate to be blunt he just doesn’t care about your relationship.

 

I would sleep on it, in the morning tell him you deserve better.

 

Just saw this. Unfortunately I called him right after replying to Katrina and talked to him about it and made sure to tell him I wont put up with that behavior. He was trying to justify it and even read all the messages (to my knowledge. Who knows if he omitted something.) And in said messages they were only talking about her current relationship with her ex and me and she congratulated him on us making a year. However a few things I found out during the argument we had:

 

1) He used to like her around a year or so before we started hanging out and got together and she friend zoned him, and locked him in that zone, according to him. This doesn't make me any less suspicious but more.

 

2) She had posted a sad post on her fb where he saw it and initiated conversation with her by saying good morning on Monday to see what was wrong. He's actually done this before with other people, as well as basically talk to others about their relationship issues and give advice. He does this weekly with others too, so at least that didn't ring as suspicious.

 

3) The flirty texts she sent him were not responded by other flirty text messages from him but by what he read to me I feel he didn't stop her, either. Just acknowledged he was with me then let her keep flirting by ignoring her texts and curving the conversation. But I do feel he played along in a part where she asked to bite him, he said if she's a vampire, she said yes, and he was like "so does that mean you can hypnotize anyone" and she said " yes but i can't tell you my ways otherwise you'll know when I try to make my move" to which he said "I got my eyes on you" in apparently that "hmmm i'm watching you so dont try anything' way, according to him.

 

4) After an hour of arguing and me telling him I'm not putting up with that kind of disrespect, and him reassuring me how he feels and wants nothing but us, and explaining the situation and saying how he's done this before (which I admit is true but never with a woman that admitted wanted to steal him from me) and me not budging on being angry because he seemed not to get my point, he said "I have nothing else to say" to which I said "You really don't get it, do you?" He said again "I have nothing else to say" and I said ok good night and hung up.

 

Not sure what this means, but I'm feeling a lot better now that I communicated what I felt without the fear of what will happen after. And as Katrina said, if this is reason for him to get lost, he can remain lost. Doesn't stop me from crying this hard though.

I'd break up right now sorry. This isn't going to end well for you. :/

 

I don't put up with up with BS anymore. I think since u had that happen in the past, you should learn from it because what he's doing is crossing lines.

Do you think this is why you're "paranoid"?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=554198

Do you think this is why you're "paranoid"?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=554198

 

 

Yup, he does this out of insecurity. A variation of this has already happened. You can’t demand respect if you don’t give it. I also thinks kats advice is excellent, had they not had he history they had, the OPer knows all this, she knows what she’s done to chip away at this guys self esteem and honestly it was probably already quite low, a person who knows their worth wouldn’t have signed up for any of these games. Both of you are guilty and deep down you know it.

 

I personally don’t think any ultimatums need to be thrown around, I think if you both want to be together you should communicate and discuss your boundaries and for petes sake apologize to each other.

There needs to be some boundaries in your relationships.

 

he is being disrespectful by engaging with this woman, and it is totally unacceptable. His love of the attention is greater that his love and respect for you. I would wonder how he would feel if the tables were reversed. I would never tolerate any of this.

He's too immature to stop these behaviors. He needs everyone, (including his own gf) to think that all these other women want him and to be impressed by whos talking to him or texting him.

He is one step away from cheating.

 

You can't fix that.

 

Best to end it, and find a man and not deal with a boy.

Hello Bolt,

 

I actually talked to him about it. This has been squashed for a while now! We were doing great in my eyes... we’ve been happy and communicating so well :/ I understand how at first it all started but I promise you that I’ve fallen in love with him and he’s put so much effort into this relationship too. When I first talked to him about it I first reassure him I loved him and wouldn’t break up with him over this, but that he was starting to be a little unhygienic and that bothered me. Same day we both communicated and were fine and I didn’t demand him change, he offered to groom himself more often. We squashed it. Never mentioned again.

 

I really do get that you’ve been reading what’s happened to me from the get go, but it’s been a whole year and this is only our 3rd argument ever. Literally the most we fight over is what to eat that day. The effort hasn’t diminished either. I think we’re a solid couple. Still think we are.

 

 

This that’s happening right now though - has never happened with him before.

 

Little bit of a Segway,

 

His dad cheated on his mom and abandoned him when he was young and he said he would never cheat. His biggest goal is to not be like his dad. But I’ve noticed a pattern, not so common but enough that I’ve picked up on it, with our society. And that is that we do tend to follow in our parents footsteps without realizing it.

 

I just don’t know what to do. Breaking up is the last thing I want. Not when we’ve been doing things right.

 

Also please keep in mind bolt, that I don’t come on here to post our good moments. I come here to vent and post the ocasional bad moments. It’s easy to base it all on this since it’s all I give, but please don’t assume beyond what you see. I promise you, it’s been a lot more good than bad.

Figure it out,

 

This, too, has already been done. The apology. The discussion of boundaries. We also both have yet to repeat an “offense”, meaning if he or I communicate something that bothers the other, we stop and haven’t repeated the same thing. Has never happened. Ever since I talked to him about that post he hasn’t done it again.

 

Though something like this has never happened before. He told me about the flirting because she texted him when we were together, and he always tells me (yet again this is it’s him as a person. I have never asked him to) says who he’s texting or is texting him when he gets a texts and we are together. Dunno why but I just never thought much of it.

 

I think the main reason that it’s bothering me is because, sure, he didn’t flirt back, but he also didn’t stop it. Sure, he talked about us and told her more than once that I’m his one, yet didn’t stand up for our relationship when she made the flirty comments. And the fact he didn’t get how that was disrespectful is bothering more than the fact he didn’t do those things.

Agree. This is about disrespect not cheating. It's unclear why he needs to put this in your face under the guise of "transparency". Best approach, now that you've discussed it? Ignore it.

 

Stop rewarding this behavior with attention. Say "I'm not interested", don't get hooked into his need to display his flirting, desirability, etc. If he brings up the throngs of women chasing him, needing him, wanting him blah blah blah, change the subject asap or say "gotta go" and hang up. Don't feed his ego, while devaluing your worth by playing into this.

the fact he didn’t get how that was disrespectful is bothering more than the fact he didn’t do those things.

Figure it out,

 

This, too, has already been done. The apology. The discussion of boundaries. We also both have yet to repeat an “offense”, meaning if he or I communicate something that bothers the other, we stop and haven’t repeated the same thing. Has never happened. Ever since I talked to him about that post he hasn’t done it again.

 

Though something like this has never happened before. He told me about the flirting because she texted him when we were together, and he always tells me (yet again this is it’s him as a person. I have never asked him to) says who he’s texting or is texting him when he gets a texts and we are together. Dunno why but I just never thought much of it.

 

I think the main reason that it’s bothering me is because, sure, he didn’t flirt back, but he also didn’t stop it. Sure, he talked about us and told her more than once that I’m his one, yet didn’t stand up for our relationship when she made the flirty comments. And the fact he didn’t get how that was disrespectful is bothering more than the fact he didn’t do those things.

 

Good, I’m glad you two discussed things.

 

Unfortunately if this was all discussed, him attempting to make you jealous by mentioning other girls is crossing a boundary. before it was him saying certain women were interested in him, now it’s flirting, FWIW and I realize I may be the odd man out, I don’t think he’s cheating, cheating men don’t act in this odd manner typically, to me at least, at most it’s a guilty conscious but I really see this as the actions of an insecure man. Think back to your high school days, there was always that one girl/guy who would dramatically do crazy things to make their boyfriend/girlfriend jealous.

 

I agree with wiseman this isn’t about cheating it’s disrespect, but Alex, so much damage was done by you in the beginning so the relationship might be unsavable, I don’t know, I’m not you, but he’s not 100% to blame here. I realize this is an extreme example but it would be like a couple recovering from abuse and the man getting mad the woman still flinches when he comes close. The damage was done and the after effects don’t just disappear. Much like you testing your ex, he’s ‘testing’ you, the irony of your roles being flipped from your last relationship to this one is quite honestly uncanny! These actions are what insecurity breeds. Unfortunately it’s wrong, super wrong, so I really am not sure where you can go from here.

Thank you guys. It's very helpful to see the third perspective.

 

I do agree that I've done some damage albeit not purposely.

 

He just texted me the usual good morning text, and is now acting like nothing happened.

 

So yet again, need a third perspective on this situation. Do I also ignore and move forward? Or would that do more damage in the long run?

I feel like he's just pretending things are okay now because he also wants to move forward. Admittedly I do too. But I don't want this to become resentment for either of us in the long run.

 

I'm willing to put in the work for him. And without a doubt I feel he does too.

Havent answered still, just said good morning back, and Idk how to go about it.

 

Do I ignore and move forward now? or is that me letting him step on my boundaries and getting away without issues?

disrespect is a huge deal breaker for me in relationships. He knows this. But he also thinks he didnt do anything. And that is my issue - he didn't do anything, which makes him just as guilty.

 

So what's the best move now...

Just act normally. In the future however ignore his excessive need for attention and sticking this in your face. Change the subject hang up ignore it. But do not keep feeding his ego by getting upset when he needs to display his flirtations. Playing cold shoulder after the fact accomplishes nothing. Re-framing this and acting differently in the future is the only change you can make in this dynamic. Talking, debating and being upset don't work, as you've seen..

Do I ignore and move forward now? or is that me letting him step on my boundaries and getting away without issues?

disrespect is a huge deal breaker for me in relationships. He knows this. But he also thinks he didnt do anything..

Posted without reading the other replies: Op: Where are your personal boundaries? You've already been burnt by a guy doing exactly what your current is doing yet you still insist on having this mindset:

but I’m also super against “forcing” my partner to stop speaking to other people because that’s controlling and manipulative and just doesn’t work, not to mention we will all do what we wanna do anyway.

If it is against your better judgement to have a partner flirting and trying to SAVE another woman then tell him how you feel and tell him you hope that he values you enough to stop his petty flirting and interacting with a woman that clearly wants him. Tell him by interacting like that with her he is encouraging her 'hope' that he will get with her which is cruel on her and disrespectful to you. It is not "controlling" nor is it "manipulative" to have romantic relationship boundaries in place. Having similar romantic relationship ideals is what keeps people together for a LIFEtime.

 

Stop trying to be cool with this when you clearly are not.

 

If he doesn't stop talking to her knowing how it upsets you then do what your boundaries should be telling you to do and find someone who doesn't need to be the attention junkie that your boyfriend is being.

 

*Going back to read the others now*

 

Yes this past relationship where it happened cheated on me.

 

He wasn't flirting with her in the messages, he showed them to me and wasn't in what I saw at least but that was when we were together at 7pm. And I agree. And no I am not. Not okay at all with that. Nor am I willing to go through it again, no matter who is the one doing it or how much I love them.

 

He continued a texting conversation with her on your anniversary date. How disrespectful. He is clearly enjoying the sexual tension she evokes in him with her come ons.

 

I see you've talked to him, hopefully he will quit his need for her attention and not 'need' to feel like her saviour any longer. If he does, then you'd do well to end things with him because clearly he does not have the same romantic relationship boundaries as you.

Moving forward Alex, stop walking on eggshells, stop being afraid to rock the boat (assertively express boundaries), stop acting out of fear you will lose him.

 

A man thinking his gf (you) is fearful of losing him is the kiss of death, and trust me he KNOWS. And it gives him power and control, which being so insecure himself, he needs like he needs air to breathe.

 

It's also seriously dysfunctionsl and unhealthy; I truly believe he does this intentionally (shyt test), he enjoys seeing you upset, it tells him how much you care in a sick sort of way -- your telling us he was "trying to calm you down" would certainly suggest this is the dynamic.

 

Again, it makes him feel powerful and superior, both because HE is extremely insecure, feels weak and powerless inside.

 

It's actually quite cruel and incidious.

 

What he's doing is so clear to me, I really don't care how great things have been prior to this, people show their true colors in time, and after a year you are now seeing his.

 

Anyway, since you're choosing to stay, Wiseman gave very good advice, ignore, walk out. STOP being afraid you will lose him, that is so weak and gives him license to disrespect you.

 

That will send a louder message than all the "talking" in the world, men don't listen to words they listen to actions.

 

In short, get stronger, stand up for yourself, stop tolerating bullshyt!

 

 

 

 

 

The way you react to his, um, "indiscretions"

Hi guys! So I posted a little soon this morning. Right after saying good morning and me saying good morning back, he messaged me “how are you?” Followed by two texts apologizing. I’ll post the texts below. I’d like opinions

 

He sent;

 

“My Love, I apologize if I upset you. I do not want to fight or argue or squabble. I made a mistake in not setting boundries reguardless as to who sends me a message and for that I am sorry. I see that I made you feel disrespected and that IS not my goal at all. I want to lift you up not tear you down. Could you find it in your heart to forgive this foolish man 😢”

 

And right after

 

“I will never willingly put you in a position of Deja-Vu, because I don't want you looking back asking yourself "did I choose wrong again" I want to be Your Mr. Right, Your Last Love, Your Last Kiss.

I hope that you will forgive my foolish actions words and thoughts. I don't want to lose the best thing I've ever had.”

 

Thoughts?

Katrina thank you! You gave me that push to not be “afraid” to lose him.