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Girlfriend wants to breakup


Redandblue

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I'm just looking to chat about my situation because it helps to talk about it, I'm sure many of you will have experienced something similar.

 

I love my girlfriend. She said she no longer feels the same. We have been together since she was 18, from the beginning of college, we're now in third year of college.

 

She went on an exchange for a few months and says she enjoys being alone. That I'm the only person she's ever been with and she wants to figure out life without me.

 

I understand, she's only 20, I was her first boyfriend and her first love. She doesn't even know what adult life is like without me because I've always been there. She wants to find herself and she can't do that with me around. I understand but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

We're waiting until after Christmas to see how she feels but she's been very clear that she wants to be alone. She's just waiting until after Christmas for my sake. She's a very kind girl, she cried so much wishing she didn't feel the way she does and wishing she still loved me.

 

There's nothing I can do except let her go and live her life. Its just so painful losing the one who means everything to you. I still hope that after Christmas she will somehow wake up and say "what the hell am I thinking" and regain her feelings but I know there's not much chance. I've always been so kind and treated her so well so I hope that stands to me.

 

Thanks for listening

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This is almost the exact same story as two of my daughters friends ...I love them both and felt so sorry for both of them , but it just came to an end ...she also wanted to experience life as a single person ...was sorry to end it ...but feels it is best and nothing is swaying her , she knew it was right and on many levels so did he . It is a very common story buddy for your age group .

 

You will get over this and you will live life to the full again I promise you . On many levels , as cheesy as this is , I do think it really gives a person a back bone to go forward in life when they experience this pain and come out the other side .

 

I know it doesn't feel like a positive right now but the fact that you were always kind and treat her well is testiment to what a good person you are ...it doesn't gel two people together , but you can walk away with your head held high .

 

Sorry you are going through this ..just take one day at a time and allow yourself the right to grieve and feel sad .

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This is almost the exact same story as two of my daughters friends ...I love them both and felt so sorry for both of them , but it just came to an end ...she also wanted to experience life as a single person ...was sorry to end it ...but feels it is best and nothing is swaying her , she knew it was right and on many levels so did he . It is a very common story buddy for your age group .

 

You will get over this and you will live life to the full again I promise you . On many levels , as cheesy as this is , I do think it really gives a person a back bone to go forward in life when they experience this pain and come out the other side .

 

I know it doesn't feel like a positive right now but the fact that you were always kind and treat her well is testiment to what a good person you are ...it doesn't gel two people together , but you can walk away with your head held high .

 

Sorry you are going through this ..just take one day at a time and allow yourself the right to grieve and feel sad .

 

Thank you very much for your reply. Yeah I feel like this often happens to people around that age, especially when all they know is their first love.

I am actually a few years older than her. I was in a previous long term relationship which ended a few years before I was with her but I'm crazy about her.

 

 

Thanks for your kind words, I know I'll be okay.

I wonder if it's okay to hope that someday she might realise what she had and change her mind? I was exceptionally kind to her and helped her through some of the roughest years of her life. I feel like I have to have made a lasting impression of happy memories.

Having said all this, it isn't until next week that the dreaded breakup will happen if she goes through with it. I'm just trying to steel myself for it

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I wonder if it's okay to hope that someday she might realise what she had and change her mind?

 

Of course it's ok , you have to come to terms with everything in your time ...quite often if that time does come , some way down the line , the person realises they don't want to go backwards and start it up again ...but that's all future stuff .

 

Considering you have to wait till next week , I think you have every right to have hope on your side buddy ..I know I would ...and I would LOVE to see you come back here say she had changed her mind . But if that's not the case ..know we are all here for you ....I know inside you feel alone , but you have a whole crowd of us here hoping to at least take the edge off that .

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like she met someone. All you can do is let her go and let her find things out for herself.

She went on an exchange for a few months and says she enjoys being alone. That I'm the only person she's ever been with and she wants to figure out life without me. She's a very kind girl, she cried so much wishing she didn't feel the way she does and wishing she still loved me.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like she met someone. All you can do is let her go and let her find things out for herself.

 

Thanks for responding but this isn't the case, In fact I am 100% sure it's not.

 

She would just outright tell the truth if that was, that's just who she is. We talked about this because I had the same mindset but it literally is for the reasons I've stated above, nothing more, nothing less.

 

Anyway as I said she's home now. And yes all I can do is let her figure out herself.

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Thanks for responding but this isn't the case, In fact I am 100% sure it's not.

 

She would just outright tell the truth if that was, that's just who she is. We talked about this because I had the same mindset but it literally is for the reasons I've stated above, nothing more, nothing less.

 

Anyway as I said she's home now. And yes all I can do is let her figure out herself.

 

I'm sorry, but you can't know that for sure. You have to totally let go of your past perception of your ex, because whoever you were dating was not someone who would break up with you.

 

With that said, it's also not a healthy thing to think about. The only real battle is letting go of the past, letting go of the ex. That includes letting go of the kind of trust that belongs to people who are in relationships, not to people who have broken up. Putting that kind of weight on an ex is unhealthy given the nature of what an ex actually means in a person's life.

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I'm sorry, but you can't know that for sure. You have to totally let go of your past perception of your ex, because whoever you were dating was not someone who would break up with you.

 

With that said, it's also not a healthy thing to think about. The only real battle is letting go of the past, letting go of the ex. That includes letting go of the kind of trust that belongs to people who are in relationships, not to people who have broken up. Putting that kind of weight on an ex is unhealthy given the nature of what an ex actually means in a person's life.

 

No nobody knows anything for sure. Let's say then I am quite positive she didn't meet anybody else.

The reasons she's given are valid, I don't understand why random assumptions of "she met someone else" need to be brought into the equation here. I am quite positive she did not, I have my reasons for believing that and that's all that matters.

She's not even my ex yet, we're still together but she wants to be alone and explore the world without me. We've agreed that after Christmas if she still feels the same we'll separate.

Anyway thanks for taking the time to respond

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what makes you think out of the billions and trillions of people that have had relationships before you that YOUR situation is the first time this has ever happened? I've never understood this about people. With the internet it's not that hard to google your exact situation and read about thousands of other people that have gone thru it and the advice people have given them - be it here or anywhere on the internet. So always try that first. Every single question asked has been asked a million times before.

 

When a female says "they don't love you anmore" or break up with you - it is usually pretty final as it means they have been unhappy and thinking about it and debating it and thinking it over for a while and have given it a few chances to change.

Furthermore, if she's expressed how much she's enjoyed it since the break up - that's like the final step to the "moving on" phase for her.

 

I don't think you're getting her back anytime soon or ever again. I'm sorry.

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I'm sorry, OP. It seems she has outgrown the relationship.

 

It sounds like she cares for you very much but just doesn't feel the same way anymore. As others have pointed out, this is very common right around her age and first love-relationships. I don't think something dramatic is going to change between now and the January 1st, but I understand why she's agreeing to stick it out over the holidays to avoid making waves, so to speak. An ex and I once did the same, and it was honestly the only time in my life I just wanted Christmas to be over. I knew it was going to be our last one together and the performative aspect (in front of our families, who didn't yet know we were on the very edge of a break-up after several years together) was draining and just plain depressing. We officially broke up about a week into January that year.

 

You are going to be best to set each other free. She is already emotionally checked out. You will heal, but be patient and kind with yourself.

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what makes you think out of the billions and trillions of people that have had relationships before you that YOUR situation is the first time this has ever happened? I've never understood this about people. With the internet it's not that hard to google your exact situation and read about thousands of other people that have gone thru it and the advice people have given them - be it here or anywhere on the internet. So always try that first. Every single question asked has been asked a million times before.

 

When a female says "they don't love you anmore" or break up with you - it is usually pretty final as it means they have been unhappy and thinking about it and debating it and thinking it over for a while and have given it a few chances to change.

Furthermore, if she's expressed how much she's enjoyed it since the break up - that's like the final step to the "moving on" phase for her.

 

I don't think you're getting her back anytime soon or ever again. I'm sorry.

 

How bitter are you. Did you even read anything I said in the op? the first line "I'm just looking to chat about my situation because it helps to talk about it, I'm sure many of you will have experienced something similar." Of course I know it's not the first time this has happened, it happens all the time every day. What are you even talking about? I didn't ask for any advice, I didn't ask any questions. I simply said it helps me to talk about my situation and vent. I specifically said in my first post that there's not much chance of her regaining her feelings. I don't need you lambasting me for no reason. Please refain from commenting pointless negativity, I definitely don't need that at the moment.

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I'm sorry, OP. It seems she has outgrown the relationship.

 

It sounds like she cares for you very much but just doesn't feel the same way anymore. As others have pointed out, this is very common right around her age and first love-relationships. I don't think something dramatic is going to change between now and the January 1st, but I understand why she's agreeing to stick it out over the holidays to avoid making waves, so to speak. An ex and I once did the same, and it was honestly the only time in my life I just wanted Christmas to be over. I knew it was going to be our last one together and the performative aspect (in front of our families, who didn't yet know we were on the very edge of a break-up after several years together) was draining and just plain depressing. We officially broke up about a week into January that year.

 

You are going to be best to set each other free. She is already emotionally checked out. You will heal, but be patient and kind with yourself.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yes she definitely does care for me very much and she is very kind but yes it's extremely common for people in this age bracket. I mean she's only been with me and doesn't know anything else so I understand it but it's still awful for me. I agree, I don't think anything is going to change either but I think it's okay to have a small bit of hope, it's not like I can get rid of it completely even If I wanted to.

I'm just having a fun time with her and trying to enjoy our last days together so she can have even more fond memories of me when she leaves. When we're together it's not like anything has changed, we're both extremely affectionate physically and verbally but I'm not under any illusion. I know her need to venture out on her own outweighs what she feels for me now. If we are meant to be together someday in the future we will be and if not then so be it.

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Give her a lot of space and room to grow and she'll take notice.

 

I will thanks for the advise.

 

At the end I plan on just telling her to go and be happy and if she ever believes she's made a mistake someday in the future she can reach out to me. Then I'll go no contact.

 

Not that I'll wait around. I know I'll need to fully move on but who knows what the future holds.

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Redandblue- I would take anyone's opinion here with a grain and salt. I always think their are people on this site who are butt hurt and turn that into being a bully.

 

With that being said, I know you think she may have not found someone, but it sure sounds like it. If, she hasn't, then maybe she intends to?

 

Like everyone else said, give her lots of space, and do you! We have a million fish in the sea, don't hold someone so high.

 

Enjoy yourself, hit the gym, find a new hobby, and before you know it, this post will be mute. Maybe, she will see this change and run back, maybe she won't.

 

*Do you*

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Redandblue- I would take anyone's opinion here with a grain and salt. I always think their are people on this site who are butt hurt and turn that into being a bully.

 

With that being said, I know you think she may have not found someone, but it sure sounds like it. If, she hasn't, then maybe she intends to?

 

Like everyone else said, give her lots of space, and do you! We have a million fish in the sea, don't hold someone so high.

 

Enjoy yourself, hit the gym, find a new hobby, and before you know it, this post will be mute. Maybe, she will see this change and run back, maybe she won't.

 

*Do you*

Thanks for the reply. Yeah Its definitely people turning their own frustrations against others but it's not great when people are looking for support.

 

I am very very sure she hasn't found someone else. But yes after some time she will definitely want to I assume.

 

She told me one of main reasons for us breaking up is because she's so dependant on me and she needs to know she can handle adult life herself.

For the first year and a half of us being together she was very ill and relied on me a lot to get her through it so I understand where she's coming from.

 

We had a lovely day together yesterday. She is definitely still attracted to me but this is what she needs to grow and that's okay.

 

She told me that she could easily stay with me but that this would just happen 6 months down the road again because she needs to be alone.

I think If i tried to make her stay and never let her find herself she would just eventually resent me for it even if we stayed together

 

Unfortunately I'm already an avid gym goer so I can't add onto that and music college takes up much of time but I have that to focus on.

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I just wouldn't base your whole life on her coming back to you.

The problem is, people get into a downward spiral of "maybe they will come back" and this hope may carry them for awhile, but this usually leads to disappointment.

 

"She told me that she could easily stay with me but that this would just happen 6 months down the road again because she needs to be alone"

This, is an example of staying in the mindset of "maybe she will come back" or her stringing you along. Let her go, let her fly, and maybe she will come back. But, don't invest yourself into her.

 

"If it is meant to be, then it will be"

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Please do not try and be friends with her, this will be devaluing and even more painful. You do not want to hear about her new boyfriends. You should not be there for her, you are no longer dating, or her therapist. Wish her well, and tell not to contact you unless she wants reconciliation.

 

Once you have healed- a year down the road- you could reestablish a friendship if you wish.

 

I am sorry for your pain. Merry Christmas.

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I just wouldn't base your whole life on her coming back to you.

The problem is, people get into a downward spiral of "maybe they will come back" and this hope may carry them for awhile, but this usually leads to disappointment.

 

"She told me that she could easily stay with me but that this would just happen 6 months down the road again because she needs to be alone"

This, is an example of staying in the mindset of "maybe she will come back" or her stringing you along. Let her go, let her fly, and maybe she will come back. But, don't invest yourself into her.

 

"If it is meant to be, then it will be"

 

I agree. This is a string along comment.

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I just wouldn't base your whole life on her coming back to you.

The problem is, people get into a downward spiral of "maybe they will come back" and this hope may carry them for awhile, but this usually leads to disappointment.

 

"She told me that she could easily stay with me but that this would just happen 6 months down the road again because she needs to be alone"

This, is an example of staying in the mindset of "maybe she will come back" or her stringing you along. Let her go, let her fly, and maybe she will come back. But, don't invest yourself into her.

 

"If it is meant to be, then it will be"

Thanks for replying. I feel like I might not have been very clear there. What I meant was she said that if she did stay with me, in 6 months time this would happen again and she would want to be alone because that's what she needs and there's no point postponing it.

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Please do not try and be friends with her, this will be devaluing and even more painful. You do not want to hear about her new boyfriends. You should not be there for her, you are no longer dating, or her therapist. Wish her well, and tell not to contact you unless she wants reconciliation.

 

Once you have healed- a year down the road- you could reestablish a friendship if you wish.

 

I am sorry for your pain. Merry Christmas.

 

Thanks for the reply. In a previous post I said I plan on instantly going full no contact and she agrees with this as it would be too painful for us.

 

We are currently still together. We decided to see it through Christmas and then make a final decision.

 

She isn't stringing me along or anything. She has made it clear she needs to learn how to live without me.

The comment "if it is meant to be it will be" is what I said, not her

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I feel like some people replying are not reading the full thread or maybe I haven't been clear enough so I'd like to clean it up a bit.

 

Reasons for breakup : she wants to be alone

- she has only ever been with me throughout her adult life

- my girlfriend was ill during the 1st year and a half of relationship and depended on me more than anyone else.

- she feels that because of this she needs to learn how be alone and be happy with herself

 

- We have not broken up yet and are waiting until after Christmas for a final decision.

 

- even now we are happy together and having a great time but If being alone is what she needs I will let her go.

 

- I will not beg or plead but I will tell her if she thinks she has made a mistake then let me know. I will not be waiting around for her but reconciliation is possible if we are both in the right place

 

- if we break up we are not staying friends as it would be too painful and I will be going no contact

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I'm sorry you are hurting.

 

Maybe take time for yourself on your own too. Take some time to reflect and enjoy yourself.

 

I think it's healthy for people to learn to be alone and to depend upon themselves. And it's more common than not for high school sweethearts to go their own ways as they get a bit into adulthood.

 

My only suggestion would be.. in the future, don't look for serious commitment unless the person has already learned to do that. I get it, you were kids, you fell in love. Now as an adult though, careful not to try and swoop in and become a knight to a woman who is still finding her bearings in life.

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