Am I just being insecure?

I met ridiculously handsome guy and he seems to like me a lot. The thing is I m avarege looking girl at best. A bit chubby, short and slightly nerdy looking. When we first met I rejected his advances because I honestly thought he is only joking. He then went out of his way to find me again and ask me out. After few dates we connected on social media and here was another shocker. All his friends both female and male are ridiculously good looking too. He works in fashion and is surrounded by glamour and beauty. Not to mention based on comments under his post the girls seem to like him a lot.

After much consideration I decided to ask him straight up why me if he could probably date one of those models. He replied that he has always been dating those kind of girls but vast majority of them is shallow and often vulgar. He wants to settle down and is looking for someone who he could start family with. He then listed all things he loves about my looks....

A month into dating I m starting to pick up on some comments he makes and start questioning in my head his reasoning above. For example he said that “the couple needs to be on similar level in intelligence, education...and looks (!!!) for the relationship to work. Or the other day I made passing comment how gorgeous this actress is and he replied saying she is not even average (the girl is stunning!!!!). I could give more examples but I m starting to think the looks actually matter to him more than I thought and he actually has very high standards.

I should probably ad that we haven’t slept with each other yet. I mean after 3 weeks of dating we slept in one bed and got carried away a little kissing etc but he stopped and said that we are both drunk and he wants to do it right this time. That before me he would move on to another girl if she wouldn’t sleep with him within first 2 dates but with me he he wants to do it right and wants both of us to be sober and both of us to be sure we can make this work....

In a mean time he constantly gets texts from random models in the middle of the night asking what he is up to and if he wants to join them. His exes text him out of the blue too. Each time he is actually the one coming to me showing these saying “I want to be transparent with you so it doesn’t blow in my face one day”. When asked why not just block them he replied saying he works with them, so he can’t.

What do guys think?

Until you know different, just relax and enjoy your relationship. From what you've written, he thinks you're gorgeous - not all men want a partner who needs to be obsessed with their looks for professional reasons. If he seems particularly close to any of his exes, then be wary - but you haven't actually said that he has.

When I was young, I used to sabotage relationships with very handsome men in exactly the way you describe. I couldn't understand why these guys who had everything were interested in me. Chances are, your guy considers you to be on a par with him looks-wise, he respects and cares about you. Just because he's attractive it doesn't mean he's a b******, any more than being attractive means a woman's a b****.

If you're with an attractive person, other people will fancy them. That's not the issue; it's how he responds that's important.

So try to relax and get to really know this guy before making all these negative assumptions about him.

Thank you so much for your reply! You are right, I should just relax and enjoy this more rather than overthinking it all.

I was all for this relationship up until the point of all those texts he gets. It's irrelevant that they are his co-workers. He could easily set up boundaries with them. He could say, "I'm dating someone and for the sake of our relationship, it's best if other women aren't blowing up my phone at all hours of the night. If we could stick to business stuff only, that'd be great. Thanks for understanding." It seems like he likes the attention from his exes if he hasn't blocked them.

I wouldn't be okay with this. I'd be honest with what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with when dating someone, and if it doesn't match with his boundaries, you'd best date someone else.

I was all for this relationship up until the point of all those texts he gets. It's irrelevant that they are his co-workers. He could easily set up boundaries with them. He could say, "I'm dating someone and for the sake of our relationship, it's best if other women aren't blowing up my phone at all hours of the night. If we could stick to business stuff only, that'd be great. Thanks for understanding." It seems like he likes the attention from his exes if he hasn't blocked them.

 

I wouldn't be okay with this. I'd be honest with what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with when dating someone, and if it doesn't match with his boundaries, you'd best date someone else.

I agree with this. The late night texting is inappropriate. How old is this guy?

I also believe that YOU put too much value in looks. You need to have more confidence in yourself.

I'm inclined to think you are far more attractive than you give yourself credit for. You may not be tall and bone-thin like models, but you are beautiful. He sees it, and he sees more in you than just looks. I mean, he sought you out. You really imprinted on him.

I do agree with the above poster about him being more direct about appropriate boundaries and times to call. Perhaps because of the industry, he should keep a separate work phone that gets turned off when he's off of work and does not require being available, but I do agree that he needs to be more forthcoming in telling these women that it is inappropriate to be calling and texting at all hours, and he is pursuing a relationship. Perhaps in this industry, this is par for the course, and to keep his foot in the door he has to play a social game. He definitely needs to work on some stronger boundaries.

Normally I would say that him showing you texts and telling you about these interactions is a red flag, ego boost, and accomplishes nothing other than breeding insecurity and unrest, but given the industry, in this situation, it's probably better that he's more, not less, transparent. It still breeds insecurity, and I definitely understand what you're feeling and where you're coming from.

This relationship is so new, so it's terribly difficult to offer much other than "see how it goes." I mean, you need time to know him more. What you do need to do is think long and hard about if this industry and lifestyle is going to work for you. Will you spend a majority of your time feeling mousy and small while he parties with these gorgeous people and the booze and drugs? Can you trust him? Movie star marriages take a big hit and many fail because of the lifestyle, the women or men hitting on each other, affairs, etc. We see this in media all the time. There are some couples who succeed, and it takes a ton of work on both sides.

Yes, you are being insecure, and rightfully so. I do think you can stand to be a little more trusting, as he has tried to demonstrate he is trustworthy, and you can stand have some more confidence and value in yourself. Again, it's so early, it's so hard to say where this will go, so my only thought is to keep seeing him and see how it plays out, and don't be afraid to bring up some of these difficult topics, like him learning to exert some boundaries when it comes to women hitting on him or texting at all hours.

I agree with the others.

I only want to add, has all his happened in 3 weeks? How did you meet?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Plus you guys are just dating, so treat it as just that. When people date, they are getting to know each other and see if they can actually be a real item.

If his work or him getting random texts and calls from all different hours tends to be a bothersome, you may want to voice it now than later.

I like what purplepaisley said: you imprinted on him. Read that over and over. Lean into that, with a mischievous grin, some butterflies in the stomach, and, sure, an eyebrow slightly raised to keep your feet on the ground. Wherever this goes, that imprint is a fact, and at three weeks the one you should enjoy, feel empowered by.

Looks are important to everyone, no two ways about it. They're also totally subjective, only one shade of what makes a connection, and by and large irrelevant when it comes to whether or not two people can make an actual relationship out of their chemistry and connection. In ways looks are just the most superficial shade—the entry point, sure, the surface shine that first piques interest to go a little deeper, especially for men because nature blessed us with some very primitive internal gauges.

Still, without substance looks quickly lose their power.

At the risk of sounding like a doofus, but with the hope of giving you some male perspective, I'll say I can relate to this guy a bit, as you've described him. I work in a kind of glamorous profession, am friends with a lot of women, including exes. I don't self-identity as "ridiculously handsome," but I'm confident in that department, and it's probably helped during some flingy, shallow, not-cute phases where I'm seeking some combination of instant gratification and self-annihilation.

But what I'm always seeking, really, is the thing he's telling you he's seeking: deep, intimate, sustainable connection. Which I've found and lost here and there over the years, and when I think about those women it's not about the shape of their body or the glow of their skin, but the force and magnetism of their spirit and how uniquely, thrillingly alive and calm being in their orbit made me feel. They're women who make the world better just by living in it—that's what's so "ridiculously beautiful" about them—and who made my world brighter for sharing themselves with me.

Anyhow, to the particulars of the texting with exes/lifestyle stuff—no, that's not super fun stuff to deal with. Why? Because that's his sh*t, the little web he's woven, and probably one that brings him a level of security while getting in the way of some of the deeper connections he's after. Women who date me have to deal with versions of that, and it doesn't always work. As much as I've become aware of it as a hindrance, and made changes to be softer, to dismantle that web a bit, it's still part of the package, my baggage.

Everyone on the planet has a well of insecurity and past baggage simmering inside of them. We can empty that well and sort out that baggage a bit on our own, by understanding ourselves, growing into ourselves. But ultimately, when it comes to relationships, they work because being with the other person triggers more security than not, makes that baggage feel less cumbersome. Part of that is natural—but, yeah, part of that comes through communication, being able to talk about what makes us comfortable (and not) and seeing if the other person can listen, adapt.

So as you get to know him you shouldn't feel that you can't bring up what makes you uncomfortable. That doesn't need to come from a place of insecurity, but just the opposite: you know what makes you feel secure, what you need to continue to open up, and you have those conversations to gauge whether you can be seen and heard and whether, with a little nudge, he's capable of shedding some of his bs that gets in the way of authentic connection. If not—well, then you know it's not the person for you.

But that's really down the line. Just hold this space, and enjoy it. Whether you're right for each other, who knows? But dude is into you, drawn to you.

“I want to be transparent with you so it doesn’t blow in my face one day”. When asked why not just block them he replied saying he works with them, so he can’t.

What do guys think?

Transparent people don't behave like this.

Still, without substance looks quickly lose their power.

Without looks, substance will quickly lose its power. I'm not commenting on the looks of the OP. I am pointing out that relationships require compatibility and attraction.

The OP's date has basically said he doesn't want to date attractive women, and wants someone to settle down with. He may be mistaken that you can find someone you're compatible with and make a go of it, without attraction. Commenting what he likes about her face, doesn't convince me he's attracted to her.

I'm going to trust the OP's judgement, and not assume she is insecure. Neither should she. If she is correct, and he is in a different league, she should be concerned. Yes there is a league system. Yes people mostly gravitate to their peers in their league. We like to gloss over this fact. We tend to mention the exception, not the rule. Everyone has their favourite mismatch story.

It sounds fine so far other than I was baffled as to why as a first impression you'd assume he wouldn't want to date you because you don't look like a model. That's kind of offensive to him and tells him how much you care about looks and notice his looks and how insecure you are. Why lead with that?

So far so good. Don't worry so much about your looks vs everyone else's. Rock what you've got. Also good looking on paper is different than attraction, although they overlap. See how it goes and keep your eye on his actions and not on his words.

Heya! Sorry I haven't read all the other comments.

But... Looks are not everything. Not to say you aren't stunning yourself. We are super critical of ourselves and I am sure you are beautiful! So remember that.

That said guys see beauty in it's simplicity. I love make up and I wear it for me! No one else. One of my ex's always said he preferred me without makeup as I was naturally beautiful. He wasn't saying that to get into my pants as we had been together almost a year by this point. He was saying it because he meant it!

Yes you may not feel beautiful next to these models I know I wouldn't and a lot of other people wouldn't. But what they have is all fake. The Airbusing. The personal trainer and make up artist. All these profesionals to make them lol aesetically pleasing.

So this guy sees something in you that you just don't see.

That said I feel uncomfortable with him with all these exes but that's just me. I get he has to work with them.

Also I didn't like how he mentioned how long he waits for sex with these exes. You don't need to know that when in a blossoming relationship.

Anyway good luck and rock your beauty. As you've clearly got it

From everything you've posted OP, I do think he's attracted to you, there is so much that goes into being "attracted to" someone, other than just his/her appearance.

bluecastle wrote "without substance, looks quickly lose their power."

Sportster wrote "without looks, substance will quickly lose it's power."

For me, without energy/chemistry, both looks and substance will quickly lose their power!

When I meet a man for the first time, trust me when I say I'm not thinking about his looks when we part ways, I am thinking about his energy, our energy.

Yes looks are very important, but often times a man's great energy can turn a mediocre looking man into a great looking man, to me.

Some people are more visually oriented than others, so will place more emphasis on looks versus someone say, like me, who is more "auditory oriented" or "energy oriented" which means I place a great deal of value on our mutual energy/chemistry. Right or wrong, this is what's important to me, initially.

That's what hits me first, after that it's shared values and compatibility. Common interests I don't place much value on w/r/t relationships, it's nice having them, but I don't think it's necessary to have a healthy successful RL.

In fact, often times opposites attract, opposite in terms of nature and common interests -- yin and yang and all that.

Anyway back to this guy, I would appear he's had it up to "here" lol with models, actresses and the like.

Just like many people encourage women to do as we get older and want to settle down, he's looking for substance and a woman he can connect with on a deeper level, not just outward beauty.

That's not to say he doesn't find you beautiful, I'm sure he does, but he's looking at your entire package of what you bring to the table -- looks, substance, personality, how well you connect with each other, mutual energy all of it!!

And obviously you fit the bill so stop worrying and just enjoy!!!

Without looks, substance will quickly lose its power. I'm not commenting on the looks of the OP. I am pointing out that relationships require compatibility and attraction.

 

The OP's date has basically said he doesn't want to date attractive women, and wants someone to settle down with. He may be mistaken that you can find someone you're compatible with and make a go of it, without attraction. Commenting what he likes about her face, doesn't convince me he's attracted to her.

 

I'm going to trust the OP's judgement, and not assume she is insecure. Neither should she. If she is correct, and he is in a different league, she should be concerned. Yes there is a league system. Yes people mostly gravitate to their peers in their league. We like to gloss over this fact. We tend to mention the exception, not the rule. Everyone has their favourite mismatch story.

I like this response.

Not necessarily sure it pertains to the OPer, I havent even read what it pertains to, its just a dang good response!

I knew a woman who was not fortunate looking, I dont mean just average I mean not.fortunate.looking and she wasnt someone whos inside made her beautiful, she was often a b***h to people. Her husband while not the most handsome guy was well above her league. Many people wondered why he was with her, he even had multiple children with her. He even doted on her and bragged about her to other people when she was around, I thought it was very sweet.

Until someone told me the truth. He cheated on her like nobodies business and married her because, well, according to him, overly attractive women arent 'wifey' material and he needed someone to cook clean and raise his children for him.

I wish I was making this up.

We are all assuming the Oper is simply being insecure and that may very well be the case but there are subtle signs that maybe this isnt all in her head. Why is he in contact with these other women?

I thnk the OPer should trust her gut and be brutally honest with herself. Is it self esteem? Or are thing truly not making sense.

Im not going to lie, I also think the OPer is a bit insecure and is underestimating herself, but on the slim chance shes right, I'd hate to push her to ignore her instinct and stay with a guy who is being shady.

I know this won't be a popular response, but I think a lot of men pull this because they are afraid of true intimacy. If there is no risk of falling in love, there's no risk of having your heart broken. I have male friends who have been in long-term relationships (5+ years), went through all the motions, and later confessed to me they were never in love/attracted to the girl. One of them was fairly tall and classically handsome at the time and dated this squatty, very unattractive woman who brought out the worst in him. She wasn't particularly beautiful on the inside, either. They met at a party where she gave him oral and he was actually planning on passing her off to another guy friend as a easy sex partner before he ended up in a nearly 6 year relationship with her. He's continued to repeat this pattern and to date only seems very taken with women who are emotionally unavailable in some way....while dating other unattractive women (to the point where they look odd as a couple and other people talk about it).

I'm not saying you're unattractive to him, I'm just saying listen to your gut if you feel something is off. I think it's a red flag that all the other women he dated were the ones you perceived to be in his league but then he somehow classifies them in a category where he can't settle down with them. Maybe the ones he has dated have all been shallow in some way, but it sounds to me that's his preference if he could find the right personality to go with that package. That he thinks he has to "settle" in the looks department in order to settle down. I would take notice that he is calling stunning women average at best... I feel women are generally more forgiving with looks than men initially in a relationship.

However, that being said, I do think that men have a wider range of attraction than we're led to believe, too, that doesn't necessarily align with the media-crafted image. I know a newscaster that can be dolled up to look near-perfect on screen with all the lighting, gobs of professional makeup, spanx, etc. but when you see her in real life without all the bells and whistles she doesn't even look related to the image that is projected on TV. You would never know it was her. So, it's possible that he has people like this in his circle and it's not all it's cracked up to be from the outside.

I'm starting to think the looks actually matter to him more than I thought and he actually has very high standards.

The guy was aware of your looks when he chose you. Maybe what may you estimate to be average, someone else may view as fabulous?

I work in an art department where retouching model photography is what adds the extra spectacular 'something' to otherwise average looking people with good bone structure. BF has been around enough to know who he likes and who he doesn't, and he picks you. It might be helpful to consider some of the best aspects of yourself, and allow yourself to 'see' and enjoy those.

One trick you might find helpful is to look at babies and children. They are each uniquely themselves and uniquely beautiful--without glitz, glamor or makeup. Some kids will resonate more with you than others, and that's the same natural simpatico of attraction that BF (or anyone else) seeks to bond with. Not all versions of beauty appeals to all people. So comparing yourself to photoshopped magazine spreads only robs you of your ability to 'see' and appreciate your own unique value. It's there, it's just covered over with a lens that's focused on the wrong stuff.

Head high, and enjOy your relationship.

Thank you everyone for your responses and I m sorry I haven’t replied earlier myself. I decided to let go of my worries and just enjoy the dating. Unfortunately I was approached by one of his female friends showing me very flirtatious text exchange with him. The messages were very recent and he was the one initiating all the flirting. I m feeling hurt and confused as to why he invested all this time and effort. I understand we were only dating but I m not comfortable with this. When confronted he actually got really angry, raised his voice etc. Again I m shocked and hurt.

I will walk away now, regardless of his reasoning this is too much for me.

Thank you everyone again and Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas 🎅🎄! Honestly losing a nasty cad like this is the best gift. Now the new year can be all about finding a nice guy.🎉

I was approached by one of his female friends showing me very flirtatious text exchange with him. The messages were very recent and he was the one initiating all the flirting. When confronted he actually got really angry, raised his voice etc.

Thank you everyone again and Merry Christmas

Thank you so much Wiseman2

Sounds like your gut was on the money. Good for you for leaving him in the dust, let some other woman deal with his bull crap.

Onward and upward.