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Thread: I feel like I'm going to lose my wife forever, please help

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Dec 2018

    I feel like I'm going to lose my wife forever, please help

    My wife and I separated almost 3 months ago at this point, we had been together for 9 years, and our marriage was going on 3 years. We’re both 23, so we’ve been together since we were 14. Our relationship was full of ups and downs early, but it became a lot more mature as we ourselves did. We got married young, when I was 21 and she was 20, partially because my wife needed to separate herself from her parent’s tax debts (so she could get aid for college). I was a bit hesitant of the marriage because I didn’t want to get married for the wrong reasons. Despite ulterior motives, we were very much still in love at this point, and knew we wanted to spend our lives with each other.

    Over the past couple years, we had been growing apart slowly. She finished up school and I settled for a dead-end job and spent most of my free time playing video games and drinking with my friends. Things weren’t bad, and we still supported each other. Over those 2 years we seemed more like best friends then romantically into each other. I guess I was either naive or delirious from drinking, but I thought that’s what a marriage just becomes like.

    My wife has always dreamed of moving to Detroit, MI from Madison, WI, and we had planned on moving there after she graduated, and we saved up a bit. All she needed to graduate was an internship, but nothing in Madison was getting back to her, she applied to a place in Detroit, gets the job, we now move in a month. It was exciting at first, but it was so unplanned, our apartment was a little too expensive, we sold our car because we were moving downtown and, car theft in Detroit. After the first couple months I got really depressed because I was working a job I hated, making no money, and wasn’t adjusting to the new way of life very well. I missed my friends and family back home. On the other hand, my wife loved it there, she made new friends left and right, always wanted to go out to local events. It was her dream come true, and I ruined it. My frustration with our life turned me back to video games and drinking even more so then before. I closed off and neglected my wife even more then I had been. I refused to go out and spend time with her, I neglected her sexually and we got into more fights then before. We weren’t making enough to keep the apartment, so we decided to move back to Madison in November, with my wife’s parents. The decision to move didn’t change anything though, in fact it made my wife more depressed. We had thrown around divorce in some bad fights near the end but never came to any agreement. One night I find my wife crying on our bed and she tells me she wants a separation.

    At first, I thought she was just full of it, but overnight she went cold on me. Refused to talk to me, pushed me away every time I would touch her. Multiple times a week should would tell me she’s going out with coworkers and just not come home. It was such a 180 from her and it hit me like a truck, I was filled with anger and regret, I begged her to stay, cried, apologized, but her mind was made up. She was always the kind of person to have 80% guy friends throughout the years I’ve always trusted her and never really thought much of it. I got suspicious when I woke up around 6am and she was laughing on her phone texting someone (she was sleeping in the other room). One night I notice she left her Facebook on and I regret doing this, but I went through a conversation with one of her friends in Madison. She was talking about how she’s been seeing someone new and plans on divorcing me along with how she’s consistently drinking (she never really been much of a drinker, just at occasional parties). My heart was broken, and it was the most depressing month of my life before we moved back. I tried to spend time with her at home when she was there. I was an emotional wreck the whole time and not very good at hiding it, I never told her I went through her Facebook.

    After we moved back to Madison I started staying with my friends and my wife stayed with her parents. She’s never had the best home life, half her friends had moved away in the past year for school. The few that were still there stopped talking to her. I think because she told them about how she wanted to leave me for someone she met in Detroit and they didn’t approve. She was constantly getting drunk to cope with how miserable she was, she started getting high every day as well (she smoked maybe like 3 times ever before this). I could tell she was miserable and needed a friend, so I put off no contact. Hanging out with her was full of emotional ups and downs for me but I know it meant a lot to her that I was still there. Meanwhile she’s constantly texting the guy she had been seeing and thinks I don’t know about it. My wife found out that the accounting firm she interned with in Detroit was hiring for exactly what she had always wanted to do with her career, she applied, I knew she was going to get it.

    I asked her if she would ever consider giving me a second chance to try and work things out one night. She told me that she’s been miserable for the past couple years. She said we’re too different, we don’t do anything anymore, and barely have sex. She said she still loved me and cared about me but hated her life when she was with me. She talked about how she felt like she was settling for a safe and secure life with me, but it wouldn’t make her happy. She felt like she didn’t know who she was outside of our relationship since it’s really all she’s ever known. This all broke my heart, but I told her I support her decision. I asked her if we should just get the divorce over with since she felt that way and was going to be moving back soon. She just responded by asking me if I wanted to get a divorce. I told her no, she said ok, and we left it at that.

    After a few weeks of faking being happy, looking up every get your ex back and save your marriage guide on the internet, and on and off spending time with my wife, it was time for her to move back. She bought a car and was going to be renting out a room with an elderly man in a Detroit suburb. The time spent with her was going well, she was opening up to me more, it felt like we were having fun together like we used to. She was even play teasing me like she used to when we first started dating. The night before she left I was helping her pack, near the end she got pretty emotional. She told me about how scared she was about moving. She told me about how she has breakdowns when little things go wrong, and how she misses me so much in these situations. She told me that if she moves on and starts dating someone else, she’s scared she’s going to lose me forever. That I’m still her best friend and there’s so much she only feels comfortable talking to me about. I hugged her as she sobbed into my chest, it was the first time she let me touch her in over 2 months. I told her to be strong, that she wasn’t going to lose me, and I’d always be there for her. I don’t know if it was the right thing for me to say, but it was what she needed to hear.

    She moved back 5 days ago, this is the longest I’ve gone without seeing her in at least 6 years, I miss her so much. We still text each other, I can tell she’s happier there.

    I’m torn for what I should do, although I feel like there isn’t even much I can do. I do think we could be happy if we got back together. I’ve quit drinking and am playing a lot less video games. I’m focusing more on getting a career started, reading books on relationships and marriage, being more social, and openminded. I realized my priorities weren’t where they should’ve been, that she should’ve always been number one for me. I have no idea how to prove to her I’ve changed or even go about trying to get her back with her being 400 miles away.

    She is probably going to be coming back for the week of Christmas/new years. I got her a few gifts for Christmas. It’s always been a hard time of year for her because of her family. I wanted her to feel like someone cares about her over the holidays.

    I’d like to hear people’s thoughts on my situation, ideas to go about trying to get her back or if I’m just hopeless at this point, thanks.

  2. #2
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Sorry about the separation. It doesn't sounds like either of you were very happy in the end. I say just focus on your own life, don't worry about the christmas gifts, especially if she hasn't gotten you anything

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    One of the reasons youthful marriages don't survive is that one/both of spouse(s) stop school and career goals.
    This many times leads to seething disrespect by the other.

    Did you go, or finish college, and are now working toward your dreams/career?

    Most secular marriage books offer a dizzying array of workshop tasks. These mini-jobs can never replace lost respect.
    To really understand her read "If only he knew" by Gary Smalley.

    You should also start learning about infidelity. James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" will help with that. (Never let her see these books.)

    She's your wife, and until otherwise treat her like your wife. Yes, buy her gifts and start working on the root causes of the failing union.
    Last edited by Lester; 12-21-2018 at 06:17 AM.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Divorce is a difficult process. My parents are still technically married, even after 15 years of separation because of how much bull you have to go through. They separated with the intent of 'yeah this isn't happening again." You seem to be confused as to what separation with no divorce means. I would suggest talking to her about what this means to her.
    You also have to think about if you were to get back together. You're depressed in Detroit, she's depressed in Michigan. How would you work this out if you were to get back together?
    I think these are important factors in figuring out if you should move on or try to make things work.


  6. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    "I’d like to hear people’s thoughts on my situation, ideas to go about trying to get her back or if I’m just hopeless at this point, thanks"
    "I realized my priorities weren’t where they should’ve been, that she should’ve always been number one for me"

    How bad was the drinking, was this an addiction playing with video games? Sounds like the marriage started disintegrate, and she stated to get bored, the little spark wasn't there anymore.

    "She told me that she’s been miserable for the past couple years. She said we’re too different, we don’t do anything anymore, and barely have sex. She said she still loved me and cared about me but hated her life when she was with me."
    This sums it up perfectly. The marriage fell apart, and may be to late now.

    "You don't know what you had until it is gone" and that's what it sounds like here.

    Focus on yourself, get better, find new hobbies, show her you have changed, but back away for awhile, make it sound like you're busy.

    She may come back, she may not. But, at this point that is a change you need to take.

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