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Thread: Please, help me (if you are not afraid of long stories)

  1. #1
    Member Silentiosa's Avatar
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    Please, help me (if you are not afraid of long stories)

    Hello,

    I'm in desperate need for friendly help, because I have been losing my mind trying to figure out what's happening. I must warn you that I'm very bad at interpreting people's behaviour. I have never been able to understand, if a man likes me, so I beg your pardon in advance, because my post is long, but I have to start from the beginning so that you can see the context. Will try to structure it for your convenience. And... thank you so much for your patience!

    1) I'm Russian, 29, in love with a Frenchman. He's 43, divorced, raising alone an 11-year-old girl with dysphasia. He works very hard, 6 days a week, often till late at night, and he also has a lot of hobbies where he invests all his energy: he regularly takes part at various cycling races, he paints, plays guitar and reads a lot. That seems to help him to surmount his problems. He'a quite an introverted person, I must add.

    2) According to my friends who know him, he's a man with a golden heart, but an extremely unhappy personal life. He has always dreamed to be with a Russian woman (that's what he has told me as well), his wife was Russian, but she left. After that he had some other unsuccessful attempts, and I know that the last Russian woman simply disappeared (she left France and stopped replying his calls and msgs).

    3) He messaged me on fb this summer saying he was interested by my profile. I wasn't very enthusiastic, because I had just been betrayed by another man. At that period of time I was on holiday in Paris. He was in another town for work. He asked me to meet him when he was back and during the weeks before his return he wrote me every 4-5 days, sent me his drawings (most of them representing very feminine women wearing beautiful dresses and jewellery) as well as photos of him, his friends and family.

    4) When we met first, I was shocked: I had never seen such unhappy and desperate eyes, the eyes of someone who is ready to take his own life (my mother and her friends told me he had the eyes of a maniac). He was very polite, protective and caring. But... he was also weird. Very serious, thoughtful, even gloomy, but from time to time he behaved like a clown, speaking in an unnatural voice, laughing hysterically, saying and doing strange things. But his eyes remained sad. During one of such moments he put his head on my shoulder, what paralysed me. I could feel him reducing the distance between us very fast.
    He praised my beauty, analysed my outfit and asked me, if I always wore such beautiful dresses and jewellery, asked me about my favourite books, hobbies etc. He also wanted to buy me a gift and invited me to visit various shops and when I thanked him and told him that I had everything, he gave me a set with his company logo saying "I do want you to have memories from our first meeting."

    5) During the second meeting two days later he showed me his office, introduced me to many of his fellows and... suddenly kissed me on the cheek with passion. After that we went to a restaurant where he asked me about my relations with my father (all the men ask me about that, I don't know why). He wanted to have more meetings, but I found an excuse not to and politely refused his help, when he wanted to accompany me to the airport the day of my departure. BUT when it was time to leave Paris, I understood that I really liked him as a man, that I missed him, I wanted to see him, I was so ashamed of myself, of having been so cold. I wrote him, thanked him for his kindness and told myself I was going to come back in autumn to see him.

    6) He wrote me the next day after my departure and then and told me he liked me a lot and wanted to see me again. I didn't tell him "me too", but I decided to tell that to him personally in Paris and said I wanted to come in November. After restarting his work he messaged me quite seldom, but each conversation was long and meaningful, though sometimes VERY difficult. From time to time he asked me extremely personal questions and tried to speak about sex, explaining that provoking me like this was the best way to know me. He also suggested that I should stay with him during my upcoming trip, but I politely refused. He was sad saying that it was a chance to spend more time together, because he was too dependent on his working schedule and his daughter's time-table.

    7) I started trusting him, when he introduced me to his daughter on fb videochat. Then I didn't know he lived with her and when he told me one day (WE are going to have dinner), I didn't manage to hide my jealousy. He showed her to me, said that my jealousy was very good and did a virtual tour around his home to "prove there was no ofher woman". Unfortunately, I was ill and didn't show myself, what made him sad.

    8) Two days before my arrival he said he wanted to invite me to his home to introduce me to his daughter and to prove that he was a "decent man despite all he told me from time to time". I was so happy! And... the day of our meeting came. We were in a restaurant, he was extremely caring, kind and tender. He repeated that he wanted me to meet his child, asked me what I thought about her. He also said he was going to change his job and hoped to use his next holiday to come to Russia. He also told me, he was considering to start learning my language. I also wanted to make him happy and... I told him about my plans to go to Poland for studies to get citizenship (I have Polish ancestors and can get one within a year). I wanted to show him that I had no intention to use him, like many Russians do in Europe. But... his reaction was strange. He stopped speaking of his daughter. He became sad. Then we went for a walk. He turned into a clown again. He also hugged and kissed me all the time (but never on the lips). He was jealous, when someone looked ar me in the street. Then he suggested that we should spend the night together. I couldn't do that, it was only our third meeting. When it was time to say goodbye, and we came to the metro station, he asked me: "Are you sure you don't want us to spend this night together? Because I don't know, when I will see you again..." I was shocked. "Ok, maybe when you are in Poland" - he said bitterly. Then he hugged me, cuddled me, he didn't want to let me go, he covered me with kisses (but still not on the lips) and it seemed to me that there were tears in his eyes. Then he said: "Go". I went towards the trains, but after a few steps turned to him to tell him about my feelings, but he said with a fake smile: "Just go".

    9) The next days were a true torture for me. He didn't message me and I knew we were not going to meet. I could no longer bear it and wrote him about my feelings on fb, adding that he was the very purpose of my trip. He said that it was unexpected, for he was sure I wanted "to move to Poland to discover a new life". I was speechless. My best intentions had led to such a stupid misunderstanding. He said that he wanted to see me before my departure, but that it was too difficult due to his work and the necessity to look after his child. I bitterly replied that he seemed too busy for my stupidities, but he said that he was deeply touched and that my beautiful words were not stupidities.

    10) When I returned to my country, he launched another videochat with his daughter, but he called me very late and caught me in the bathroom, so I spoke to him without showing myself again. He was very disappointed saying: "We both work till late at night and the next time may be in a month, in two months, in three months..." He had also asked me what I thought about his daughter. I replied that she was beautiful (and she really is). After the conversation I realised I had completely forgotten to ask whether he wanted to meet in winter. I wrote him, but he was already offline. He read my msg in the morning, but didn't reply. It wasn't a big deal: he often couldn't reply at once and did it later, even the next day, but with long messages. But I was worried, because there were cheap tickets that I wanted to grab. In the evening I sarcastically thanked him for showing "such great enthousiasm". He replied in his typical mocking manner "Welcome :) I don't know anything, that's why I didn't reply." It offended me and I said: "If so, no need to speak about that. Bye." He replied: "Bye... Good night to you... Bisous"

    I spent the whole week crying, before understanding that actually I should have waited for his reply without being nervous. I wrote him to apologise and he quickly replied: "Hi :) Why are you saying that you were unbearable? I didn't notice that. It's otherwise, you are always very calm and polite. At the moment I'm at work, but we will talk asap." And we haven't spoken for the whole month, though he liked and commented my posts on fb a few times.

    Well... sometimes we didn't speak for 2 weeks, but a month with nothing but a few likes and comments... He comes to fb 2-3 times a day just for 2-3 minutes. But it all is torturing me. Have I spoilt everything? Am I expecting too much from a broken-hearted person working day and night and raising a disabled child? Perhaps he believed that I didn't like his daughter and decided to call it a day after the videochat? Why has there been no evolution of our relations after my "coming out"? Am I a brainless overthinker?.. Do I have a chance?.. Does he seem to really like me? Tomorrow is his birthday, I have composed a beautiful message with my best wishes for him and his daughter whom I really like. But I'm so afraid to write him... Initiating the dialogue is a torture for me and I'm so afraid to ask him anything about his long silence as well... What to do?.. Is there any hope?.. Sorry again about such a long post, but my head is exploding.

  2. #2
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    I think this guy wanting to have sex right away is a red flag.

    What do you mean when you say acting like a clown?

    I think you’re better off without him. He sounds demeaning and rude!

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Seriously, I would cut my losses right now and not waste anymore time or energy on this guy. To put it as "kindly" as I can .... he seems really really weird (sorry). You can do a lot better and maybe stick to someone local. Move on.

  4. #4
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    A chance for what. The guy sounds strange, he is also only looking for sex. If someone is discussing sex with you before you are having sex, it is clear that this is all they want. It should have been a red flag, along with all of the other bizarre behaviour.

    You need to find someone local, available and without do many issues.

    Be done with this !

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  6. #5
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    I would not waste any more time or energy on this strange man, OP.

    He doesn't sound like he's all there. He's talking about sex, inviting you to meet his daughter, telling you he wants to learn your language - and you two have barely even met. You've been out a couple times. He's virtually a stranger attempting to move things at warp speed and then doing a complete turnaround and making you feel guilty about it. Mature, rational adults don't behave like this. Especially those with a minor child to consider first.

    There are so many red flags here. Do not bother trying to make anything else happen with him.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. He sounds like a weirdo and it would be best to delete and block him.
    Originally Posted by limichelle
    I think this guy wanting to have sex right away is a red flag. I think you’re better off without him. He sounds demeaning and rude!

  8. #7
    Member Silentiosa's Avatar
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    Thank you very much for your opinions. I do agree that he's really strange, but he always seemed kind-hearted and caring (he's also incredibly handsome, though looking extremely tired, worn out and older, as if he were 50, not 43).

    He often told me that our points of view were quite different, but that it was interesting. He really wanted to move things at an incredible speed. For example, when at the 2nd meeting I told him that our mutual friend was looking for a flat, he asked: "Why isn't she moving to her darling's?" I said: "They have known each other only for two months." His face fell and he replied: "I don't understand why it matters, if people love each other. Don't you believe in love? Don't you believe people can be sincere?"

    He liked teasing my "medieval" principles, saying: "Your principles regarding relations between man and woman seem very strict and it's scary. I also have principles, I respect women, but I'm also a living human being. Liberate yourself, I have no evil intentions."

    He also very much liked the way I dress, except the length of my dresses and skirts. At the last meeting he told me he would like me to wear jeans or short dresses, so that everyone sees how beautiful I am, what made me sad.

    He always told me: "You close like a clam, when I'm trying to speak of love relationship with you. You are so strange." I asked him once: "You mean sexual relantionship?" He said: "I've never meant only that, read carefully my previous messages." And he definitely needed more than sex, or he would not have introduced me again to his daughter now, after my departure, while it isn't even clear when or if I will come again. But it does seem that our disappointing (for him and his daughter who became sad) videochat, when I couldn't show myself (the middle of the night, totally unprepared, with allergy on my cheek) was the last straw for him, though I promised that next time we would speak normally.............

    Today is his birthday. I wrote him a very heartwarming message wishing all the best to him and his daughter, and sent it late at night. He read it and replied: "Thank you, my beauty, I'm glad to know you though our viewpoints on some subjects are different. It's a true treasure to think over other viewpoints. Happy holidays to you. Kisses"

    I'm still stunned. He always wrote me something like that, when we had quarelled due to his attempts at talking about intimacy. I don't understand what's going on. I wrote: "Thank you for your kind reply. I hope you are not angry with me, because it's been a long time and your silence made me think that you wanted neither to see me, nor to speak to me anymore and I was sad about it."

    My mother has told me: "You see, he has mental problems. He may even be dangerous for you. I would not let you stay with him, if you were going to France again. He even has the eyes of someone who is ready either to kill himself, or to kill others." But my stupid heart is crying without him. I have never met such a sweet and tender person. He still hasn't read my reply, I'm very scared. I can't even cry, I have been crying for the whole month. I can't eat, I have lost weight because of that. What's it to be?....... Honestly speaking, I'm trying to think that it's not a coincidence that he has not been able to find his happiness for many years.

    But I can't get rid of this terrible feeling that I'm the one who has spoilt everything. I almost never initiated the dialogue (writing first to a man is a true heroism in my eyes), I was too serious when he tried to flirt (he did not do that too well, but...), I was too shy, often went red and did not dare to look at him (he used to say it made me even more fascinating). I can't stop blaming myself. I feel like a loser that has turned off a good man who was considering a serious relationship with me (or he would not have introduced me to his child).
    Last edited by Silentiosa; 12-21-2018 at 10:00 AM.

  9. #8
    Member Silentiosa's Avatar
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    Thank you, Limichelle, I meant, each time he was nervous, he started saying weird things in a very unnatural voice, laughing hysterically, doing weird things as well (like in the restaurant, when we needed to move the table so that I could get up he said: "I'm going to liberate you" and moved the table in the centre of the hall, or started to speak about me to a woman at another table: "Look at her, she doesn't want to eat her pizza, she's like a small child who doesn't want to eat her breakfast. We are going to do something about it.")

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Listen to your mother.
    Originally Posted by Silentiosa
    My mother has told me: "You see, he has mental problems. He may even be dangerous for you. I would not let you stay with him, if you were going to France again. He even has the eyes of someone who is ready either to kill himself, or to kill others."

  11. #10
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    Sounds like you want someone to tell you it's OK to date this man. Even though your own mother is concerned.

    Just date him then! You're old enough to do whatever you want. Just don't be surprised when things go downhill because his behavior and words have given you plenty of warning.

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