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Thread: Please, help me (if you are not afraid of long stories)

  1. #11
    Member Silentiosa's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    A chance for what. The guy sounds strange, he is also only looking for sex. If someone is discussing sex with you before you are having sex, it is clear that this is all they want. It should have been a red flag, along with all of the other bizarre behaviour.

    You need to find someone local, available and without do many issues.

    Be done with this !
    Actually he's not looking only for sex, because if it were the case, he would not have organised another virtual meeting between his daughter and me after my departure, now that it is not clear when or if I'm going to come back. So, he was considering serious relationship, but I do agree that he is very strange. You may have a look at my previous replies, if yoi wish...

    As for my father, that we mentioned in another thread, well... he never cared about me, while this man is raising alone a disabled child and is working day and night to support and try to treat her. My father was a terrible "womaniser" sleeping with every woman he met, even seeing one for the first time. This man, according to people who know him, is looking for something serious and "dreams to be loved", though "hiding his wounds behind a weird and sometimes rude behaviour"...

    But it doesn't make the situation easier, even otherwise...

  2. #12
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    Hi
    It does look like you are expecting a bit too much from a broken heart like his. He is probably clinically depressed. If you want to work it out with him, you'll have to be really really really patient. If possible, hang out with a normal guy. Its not good for your mental health. Break away from him or he is going to take you down with him.

  3. #13
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    Bringing up sex so early is clearly and indicator of what he is seeking. You have only met this guy twice and do not know him.

    I question you and you attraction to a man that is a huge project. Why are you pursuing someone who is so imbalanced and has so many issues? On top of it he has a horrendous work schedule. I think you need to address why you are attracted to this. You need to look within.

  4. #14
    Member Silentiosa's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Bringing up sex so early is clearly and indicator of what he is seeking. You have only met this guy twice and do not know him.

    I question you and you attraction to a man that is a huge project. Why are you pursuing someone who is so imbalanced and has so many issues? On top of it he has a horrendous work schedule. I think you need to address why you are attracted to this. You need to look within.

    I don't approve of sex on the early stages of a relationship either, but I do know couples whose relationship really is serious, but sex happened very early. In my eyes it is risky, but people are different.

    Why can't I so easily drop him? Because I have feelings towards him and feelings don't vanish in a twinkle of an eye. I do understand that there always are difficulties, no relations are simple, if personal comfort becomes the only criterium, that means we are not seeking love, we are seeking a person who may become a resource to satisfy our needs, physical, emotional or both. Of course, there are things that exclude any relationship: cheating, lies, abuse, but fortunately it is not the case here, or I would not be trying to understand all of this. In my eyes, if a man has suffered a lot and has become unstable because of this and if he has to work hard to support his disabled daughter, it's a good reason to support him. I wasn't happy that he is living with a child, but these are the circumstances of his life, it's not his fault.

    What I want to understand is whether I have done something wrong and, if yes, when.

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  6. #15
    Member Silentiosa's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Exotic86
    Hi
    It does look like you are expecting a bit too much from a broken heart like his. He is probably clinically depressed. If you want to work it out with him, you'll have to be really really really patient. If possible, hang out with a normal guy. Its not good for your mental health. Break away from him or he is going to take you down with him.
    Yes, he does seem to have mental issues. He is subscribed to pages of psychological help, he regularly speaks to a sophrologist. There is also a girl hopelessly in love with him and whom he has removed from his friends because of her obsession. I have visited her page, where lots of posts and comments are dedicated to him, there she spoke a lot about his mental state and looks like it is really bad, but... I can't do anything about my feelings. I hoped to help him. There are two men, whom my mother likes a lot and I do understand that with any of them I would have no problems, but I feel nothing towards them. What an evil irony...

  7. #16
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    You can mention all the general cliches you want but if you pay attention to what is actually happening with this person then there are many red flags. No need to wait for your feelings to disappear since you have control over your reactions to your feelings. For example, if you were really angry with someone and wanted to hit them, would you hang around the person who was triggering angry feelings and wait for the feelings to disappear or would you keep your distance to avoid the temptation to act on your feelings? Same here - you can feel what you feel and choose to react in a way that is healthful and makes sense.

    Is it possible you like the thrill of being with someone who tells you he is complicated and troubled and who doesn't treat you with decency and respect? Do you seek out drama in other aspects of your life and mistake it for love or other positive emotions?

  8. #17
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    You can spin it however you want. The guy is messed up and you are attracted to it. Not healthy.

    I strongly suggest counselling

  9. #18
    Member Silentiosa's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    You can mention all the general cliches you want but if you pay attention to what is actually happening with this person then there are many red flags. No need to wait for your feelings to disappear since you have control over your reactions to your feelings. For example, if you were really angry with someone and wanted to hit them, would you hang around the person who was triggering angry feelings and wait for the feelings to disappear or would you keep your distance to avoid the temptation to act on your feelings? Same here - you can feel what you feel and choose to react in a way that is healthful and makes sense.

    Is it possible you like the thrill of being with someone who tells you he is complicated and troubled and who doesn't treat you with decency and respect? Do you seek out drama in other aspects of your life and mistake it for love or other positive emotions?
    He has never told me anything about his mental state. He only mentioned once that he had "wounds".

    Of course, I'm not seeking drama, I have been seeking happiness with this person and just a month ago everything was wonderful. Apart from the three times he has said "naughty" things (outweighed by the fact he has introduced me to his child) and his strange behaviour now, I have nothing to blame him for. And I'm trying to understand whether I could have triggered the current situation by my behaviour that many people mistake for indifference and arrogance. I'm afraid, for example, that he could have thought I didn't like his daughter and had refused to show myself during the videochat because of this, while in reality I was afraid to disappoint her with my "unprepared" looks in the middle of the night. Perhaps I'm an overthinker.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Silentiosa
    He has never told me anything about his mental state. He only mentioned once that he had "wounds".

    Of course, I'm not seeking drama, I have been seeking happiness with this person and just a month ago everything was wonderful. Apart from the three times he has said "naughty" things (outweighed by the fact he has introduced me to his child) and his strange behaviour now, I have nothing to blame him for. And I'm trying to understand whether I could have triggered the current situation by my behaviour that many people mistake for indifference and arrogance. I'm afraid, for example, that he could have thought I didn't like his daughter and had refused to show myself during the videochat because of this, while in reality I was afraid to disappoint her with my "unprepared" looks in the middle of the night. Perhaps I'm an overthinker.
    Here are the issues you wrote about that are all red flags or at least of serious concern and all when you barely know him

    :
    extremely unhappy personal life.

    3) He messaged me on fb this summer saying he was interested by my profile.
    4) When we met first, I was shocked: I had never seen such unhappy and desperate eyes, the eyes of someone who is ready to take his own life (my mother and her friends told me he had the eyes of a maniac). He was very polite, protective and caring. But... he was also weird. Very serious, thoughtful, even gloomy, but from time to time he behaved like a clown, speaking in an unnatural voice, laughing hysterically, saying and doing strange things. But his eyes remained sad. During one of such moments he put his head on my shoulder, what paralysed me. I could feel him reducing the distance between us very fast.
    each conversation was long and meaningful, though sometimes VERY difficult. From time to time he asked me extremely personal questions and tried to speak about sex, explaining that provoking me like this was the best way to know me.

    He turned into a clown again. He also hugged and kissed me all the time (but never on the lips). He was jealous, when someone looked ar me in the street. Then he suggested that we should spend the night together. I couldn't do that, it was only our third meeting. When it was time to say goodbye, and we came to the metro station, he asked me: "Are you sure you don't want us to spend this night together? Because I don't know, when I will see you again..." I was shocked. "Ok, maybe when you are in Poland" - he said bitterly. Then he hugged me, cuddled me, he didn't want to let me go, he covered me with kisses (but still not on the lips) and it seemed to me that there were tears in his eyes. Then he said: "Go". I went towards the trains, but after a few steps turned to him to tell him about my feelings, but he said with a fake smile: "Just go".



    Am I expecting too much from a broken-hearted person working day and night and raising a disabled child?

  11. #20
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Silentiosa
    each time he was nervous, he started saying weird things in a very unnatural voice, laughing hysterically, doing weird things as well (like in the restaurant, when we needed to move the table so that I could get up he said: "I'm going to liberate you" and moved the table in the centre of the hall, or started to speak about me to a woman at another table: "Look at her, she doesn't want to eat her pizza, she's like a small child who doesn't want to eat her breakfast. We are going to do something about it.")
    Seriously!!?? If any man ever did something like that to me I would have got up and walked out there and then and blocked him. I am stunned speechless that you thought nothing of this awful behaviour and don't even see the massive red warning flags flying in your face. It absolutely floors me that you even find anything redeeming in this weirdo. Please, please, listen to your mother and everyone else who clearly sees the writing on the wall. You seem to be the only one who just doesn't "get it". Surely you can't be this naive?

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