Jump to content

Trust issues: Should I say anything to him or not?


sensitivegirl0

Recommended Posts

Hello,

 

We are dating with a guy for 2.5 months. We clicked. Everythng is going well. He messages me everyday, we talk about everything and anything. everything feels right. He went for holiday 5 days ago to Thailand for 2 weeks. (PS: the holiday was booked before we met).

 

The day before he left, i stayed at his, we cuddled it was so nice. (we havent had sex yet). He told me after he comes back he wants us to be exclusive. We also told our parents about each other. I am meeting his mother soon.

 

Anyways, he is traveling alone but he wll be with a group there for 2 weeks. He told me they are 13 girls 7 guys and two couples in total. I got a bit jealous but didnt say anythng to him. (I dont like the idea of my bf or someone i have feelings for to spend 14 days with random girls i dont even know). Two days ago, he messaged me saying he missed me etc. He said teh more people he meets and talks, the more he understands how special I am to him. Yesterday we were texting, he randomly said, one girl he used to see back home 2 years ago (where we both live), messaged him saying they should meet up for a few drinks when he gets back. he sent me a screenshot of the message, his reply was "sorry but i cant do that".

 

I thanked him for sharing this with me. i said honesty is so important for me, if a man is honest then i can trust him and i can know that he will be loyal to me. He replied and said, i should not worry about this at all, thats why he shared it with me. he was like he doesnt like secrets and he will always be honets and loyal with me and have only eyes for me.

 

But, after we had this conversation, he hasnt replied to my last text, but i saw him followng girls (no guys) on instagram, some of them are probably girls from the group. some are probably girls he meets at the beach or night outs. but i feel jealous. If he has eyes for me then why is he following these girls on instagram? who are these girls? why does he feel the need to follow them? We never talked about social media. I feel like not responding to his text because i feel that his actions and words dont match.

 

should i ask him about why he follows these girls? or should i wait until he comes back (in a week time) and we have a talk abiout this. I also dont want to undervalue myself in his eyes by acting insecure (which I know I am right now).

Link to comment
  • Replies 57
  • Created
  • Last Reply
Unless you want this guy to run for the hills, don't say anything.

 

He has free will to do as he pleases. If he wants to be involved with this women, it's his choice.

 

There isn't anything you can do about it. Either accept it and if you cannot, then end things.

 

i understand you point. I feel a bit angry tho, why would he say all those sweet words and then follow all these girls. it doesnt make sense to me. if i end things i still need to explain to him right? maybe he will talk to me and give me reassurance etc. or he wil say that how he is and he is not going to stop following girls etc.

Link to comment

I don’t see this as “honest “ - honest would mean answering questions you might ask about his activities in an honest way. He is oversharing in my opinion. If he said no to the other girl why even tell you? It’s a nonissue. He’s being indirect. Instead of telling you or showing you “I want to be with you” he instead wants you to know a woman asked him out for drinks and what he said back. Makes him look more desirable I guess. And why does meeting people while he’s away make him have stronger feelings for you and what’s the point of sharing that ? Does he need to see what’s out there to appreciate you ? Please don’t mistake sharing personal information for the quality of “honesty “. Relationships require space and tact. For example when I was 8 months pregnant and wearing a ring a random man hit on me while my husband was waiting for me inside a movie theater. I didn’t tell him. Why? Because I didn’t want him to feel upset and I handled it appropriately and moved on. Had he asked me if something happened I would have told him. That’s what I mean. I would be concerned about this guy’s common sense and tact and decisions on what to share.

Link to comment
He is oversharing in my opinion. If he said no to the other girl why even tell you?

 

And why does meeting people while he’s away make him have stronger feelings for you and what’s the point of sharing that ? Does he need to see what’s out there to appreciate you ?

 

I agree with you. I felt exactly like that. I asked myself, does he need to meet other people to uderstand my value?

 

why is he doing this? I dont understand.

Link to comment

 

He told me after he comes back he wants us to be exclusive. We also told our parents about each other. I am meeting his mother soon.

 

 

It's curious why he wants to wait to return before being exclusive, seems a bit odd, but in any event, say nothing and when he returns and brings up becoming exclusive, ask him what exclusivity means to him.

 

Does it mean he stops following random women on social media? Ask him to clarify because people have different ideas of what being exclusive means.

 

For me, I would not be comfortable with my exclusive bf following random chicks on Instagram or anywhere else, not saying it's wrong, just not something I would be comfortable with, he's in a RL with me, there is no reason for it.

 

Looking, fine, that's natural, I look too, but to make the effort to follow and/or like, just isn't something conducive to an exclusive RL imo.

 

But for now, say nothing and I would suggest you stop checking his Insta and other social media.

 

You either trust him or you don't and if you don't, you have no business pursuing a RL with him in the first place.

 

EDIT: I just read Batya's post and I agree with her. And tbh when I read he sent you a screen shot of his convo with this other girl, my jaw dropped, it's TMI and overkill and often times when a man feels the need for overkill like that, what's happening is the exact opposite.

Link to comment
It's curious why he wants to wait to return before being exclusive, seems a bit odd, but in any event, say nothing and when he returns and brings up becoming exclusive, ask him what exclusivity means to him.

 

Does it mean he stops following random women on social media? Ask him to clarify because people have different ideas of what being exclusive means.

 

For me, I would not be comfortable with my exclusive bf following random chicks on Instagram or anywhere else, not saying it's wrong, just not something I would be comfortable with, he's in a RL with me, there is no reason for it.

 

Looking, fine, that's natural, I look too, but to make the effort to follow and/or like, just isn't something conducive to an exclusive RL imo.

 

But for now, say nothing and I would suggest you stop checking his Insta and other social media.

 

You either trust him or you don't and if you don't, you have no business pursuing a RL with him in the first place.

 

thank you for advice

 

He was like i will be away for two weeks thats why we should wait for being exclusive. i found it weird too. but maybe i said he doesnt want to feel gulty if something happens when he is away. only he knows.

 

I also realised that i wouldnt like my bf going on holiday on his own with random group of people. Its his first time doing this. I will also ask him if he plans another one. if he does, that means we have differerent expectations desires etc.

Link to comment
thank you for advice

 

He was like i will be away for two weeks thats why we should wait for being exclusive. i found it weird too. but maybe i said he doesnt want to feel gulty if something happens when he is away. only he knows.

 

I also realised that i wouldnt like my bf going on holiday on his own with random group of people. Its his first time doing this. I will also ask him if he plans another one. if he does, that means we have differerent expectations desires etc.

 

Please see my EDIT too, sg.

Link to comment

Please don't bring up the fact that he follows girls on Instagram... that will do nothing but make you look like a jealous and insecure person and someone with a life that is so boring that they have nothing better to do than stalk their partner on social media.... and no one, absolutely no one, wants to be with a partner that is going to try and control who they do and don't follow on social media.

 

As a side note... I honestly can't wrap my head around why people worry so much about who follows who, who likes what and who and how often on social media.

Link to comment

Are most of these people in their late 20's like you and your bf? See what happens when he gets back. In the meantime do not police or make controlling demands and don't stalk his social media then question him about who he follows. Try to pull it together and not come off as this insecure.

I dont like the idea of my bf or someone i have feelings for to spend 14 days with random girls i dont even know).

why is he following these girls on instagram? who are these girls? why does he feel the need to follow them?

should i ask him about why he follows these girls? or should i wait until he comes back (in a week time) and we have a talk abiout this.

Link to comment

Definitely do not bring this up.

 

Look, you guys were/are in a weird spot—right at the fulcrum where things are getting serious, but with a trip on the horizon. For whatever reason he didn’t want to be exclusive before the trip—likely, I think, because it feels weird to make the fun transition and then vanish for a few weeks.

 

He probably conceived of the trip in a more “single” mindset, and kind of wants to stay that way. That doesn’t mean going buck wild with randoms, but just being “free” in that nebulous state that so many people like, and so many men like to cling to in a goofy way before getting “into” something.

 

He’s thinking of you, missing you, and is admitting that his interactions with others are only strengthening his appreciation of you. Good stuff, that. The sharing of the text exchange feels a bit like overkill, but, hey, even if he’s trying to boost is ego a bit he’s showing you that he’s got eyes for you. Lean into that, and let your confidence expand.

 

As for the IG stuff? Just stop looking. Like, seriously. All social media is is distortion field that creates anxiety and magnifies insecurity. He’s in a big group, having group hangs. New Instagram followers stem from that stuff, for a zillion reasons, most of them harmless. It’s not the coolest, but it’s not real. What is real is what you’ll see and feel when he gets back.

 

Once exclusive you can have some chats about boundaries/expectations, but to do it in this state is just going to create noise. Just do you, and make sure to do things that bring you joy and confidence on your own while he’s away.

Link to comment
Are most of these people in their late 20's like you and your bf? See what happens when he gets back. In the meantime do not police or make controlling demands and don't stalk his social media then question him about who he follows. Try to pull it together and not come off as this insecure.

 

yes they are in their 20s. also, i am going thorigh a really difficult time as i have crazy workload which is going so bad already and i have a huge dealine in 4 weeks time.

 

its the first time i start to open my heart to someone after a long time. and at the same time, i am figuring out thigs which i dont like (things like him staying with random girls, eating with random girls, partying with random girls, him being away from me during this time, not being able to talk much, not being there with him etc). its adding to my stress.

Link to comment
As a side note... I honestly can't wrap my head around why people worry so much about who follows who, who likes what and who and how often on social media.

 

Preach. And I say that as someone who has drifted down that obsessive wormhole more than once.

 

It’s generally evidence that the connection is more frail and immature than people want to admit. Which, at 2.5 months, is FINE. The connection is new, fragile, still developing.

 

Key is to just recognize the IG obsessing as a symptom of the newness, rather than some harbinger of the apocalypse.

Link to comment

Ok then take your time, slow things down emotionally. Don't worry about marriage and kids yet. Relax, enjoy the holidays and see how things progress. Will you be messaging/videoing with him while he's away? See how things go when he returns.

yes they are in their 20s.

its the first time i start to open my heart to someone. and at the same time, i am figuring out thigs which i dont like (things like him staying with random girls, him being away from me during this time, not being able to talk much). its adding to my stress.

Link to comment
Definitely do not bring this up.

 

Look, you guys were/are in a weird spot—right at the fulcrum where things are getting serious, but with a trip on the horizon. For whatever reason he didn’t want to be exclusive before the trip—likely, I think, because it feels weird to make the fun transition and then vanish for a few weeks.

 

He probably conceived of the trip in a more “single” mindset, and kind of wants to stay that way. That doesn’t mean going buck wild with randoms, but just being “free” in that nebulous state that so many people like, and so many men like to cling to in a goofy way before getting “into” something.

 

He’s thinking of you, missing you, and is admitting that his interactions with others are only strengthening his appreciation of you. Good stuff, that. The sharing of the text exchange feels a bit like overkill, but, hey, even if he’s trying to boost is ego a bit he’s showing you that he’s got eyes for you. Lean into that, and let your confidence expand.

 

As for the IG stuff? Just stop looking. Like, seriously. All social media is is distortion field that creates anxiety and magnifies insecurity. He’s in a big group, having group hangs. New Instagram followers stem from that stuff, for a zillion reasons, most of them harmless. It’s not the coolest, but it’s not real. What is real is what you’ll see and feel when he gets back.

 

Once exclusive you can have some chats about boundaries/expectations, but to do it in this state is just going to create noise. Just do you, and make sure to do things that bring you joy and confidence on your own while he’s away.

 

thank you. I will try to control my emotions for now, and wait for the right moment to talk about things when he gets back as you said.

Link to comment
Ok then take your time, slow things down emotionally. Don't worry about marriage and kids yet. Relax, enjoy the holidays and see how things progress. Will you be messaging/videoing with him while he's away? See how things go when he returns.

 

we have been messaging for the past 6 days. 2 days we couldnt, he didnt have signal in the islands. i will try to go easier on myself. thanks.

Link to comment

 

It’s generally evidence that the connection is more frail and immature than people want to admit. Which, at 2.5 months, is FINE. The connection is new, fragile, still developing.

 

 

Since they're not exclusive, I agree; that said, I've read and actually know couples who broke up because of social media.

 

In one case, as BF explained it to my friend, he was following various women on SM, then it escalated to liking, then to them liking him back, then escalating to sending a message, which lead to more messages, which lead to them wanting to meet, which lead to cheating.

 

Social media can be very addicting, which is one reason why I don't have, nor does my bf and our RL is so calm and peaceful in that regard, not perfect by any stretch, but at least we don't worry about the minutiae of what we're doing on social media and whether or not we should be concerned about it.

 

Again, very addicting and there is just no reason for it while in an exclusive RL, imo.

Link to comment

 

As a side note... I honestly can't wrap my head around why people worry so much about who follows who, who likes what and who and how often on social media.

 

the people he follows is showing me who he is meeting up who he is talking to while he is on holiday. there needs to be exchange of conversation for that to take place. and as Katrina said I am not be comfortable with him following random chicks on social media while he is telling me at the same time he has eyes only for me etc.

 

Plus he is not following any guys he meet there or from his group. that doesnt give me a good impression.

Link to comment

 

I am not be comfortable with him following random chicks on social media while he is telling me at the same time he has eyes only for me etc.

 

 

These are you standards sg, own them and stick to them. There is no right or wrong when it comes to this stuff.

 

Another woman (or man if roles were reversed) might be okay with it, that's fine for them, you do YOU.

 

No need to defend why, other than you're not comfortable with it.

 

That said, I would wait until he returns and when you discuss exclusivity, discuss social media activity, how it fits in to his version of exclusivity, and define your own boundaries then.

 

I think that's fair. DON'T act on emotion now and have attitude or end it, not fair and you might regret it later.

Link to comment
These are you standards sg, own them and stick to them. There is no right or wrong when it comes to this stuff.

 

Another woman (or man if roles were reversed) might be okay with it, that's fine for them, you do YOU.

 

No need to defend why, other than you're not comfortable with it.

 

That said, I would wait until he returns and when you discuss exclusivity, discuss social media activity, how it fits in to his version of exclusivity, and define your own boundaries then.

 

I think that's fair.

 

I agree with you 100%. These are my boundaries (your feel the same too about SM :)). Everyone is different. Once/if/ he brings up exclusivity i will bring it up the way you said it. And see how it goes.

Link to comment
i am figuring out thigs which i dont like (things like him staying with random girls, eating with random girls, partying with random girls, him being away from me during this time, not being able to talk much, not being there with him etc). its adding to my stress.

 

First of all, BREATHE. He is away in another country for two weeks... you guys aren't married... you are barely even in a relationship. The above sentence is so smothering I am having trouble catching my breath.

 

Keep your eyes open and don't rush into it... you are right not to fully trust him, you still barely know him... take your time letting him into your life... watch out for red flags (what does he do after you have been exclusive for awhile)

 

At the end of the day, your trust issues and stress are yours to deal with and not his responsibility. Continue having a life outside this relationship and keep working on yourself so he isn't the focus of your life.

Link to comment
First of all, BREATHE. He is away in another country for two weeks... you guys aren't married... you are barely even in a relationship. The above sentence is so smothering I am having trouble catching my breath.

 

Keep your eyes open and don't rush into it... you are right not to fully trust him, you still barely know him... take your time letting him into your life... watch out for red flags (what does he do after you have been exclusive for awhile)

 

At the end of the day, your trust issues and stress are yours to deal with and not his responsibility. Continue having a life outside this relationship and keep working on yourself so he isn't the focus of your life.

 

I feel every emotion so deeply, thats why i might sound a bit dramatic when i am in a mental state like this :D but i feel much better after the comments/support/advice on this thread. i always get good advice here.

 

I own my responsibilities and stress/workload etc. i dont want to blame him for that. As you said, i will take it slow until i get to know him more, and until i can trust him, i will not let him into my life fully. I think i developed feelings already but I will try to calm down a bit and distract myself from him. which will be much healthier. in the meantime, i will have chance to see his personality and know him more.

Link to comment
its the first time i start to open my heart to someone after a long time. and at the same time, i am figuring out thigs which i dont like (things like him staying with random girls, eating with random girls, partying with random girls, him being away from me during this time, not being able to talk much, not being there with him etc). its adding to my stress.

 

darling you are adding to your stress not him ...you views and needs and insecurities are going to make a hell of a life for you ...life is supposed to be fun , not only on holiday but in general .. and you cannot dictate to anyone what they can do or who they can do it with ...well you can actually , but usually things go downhill from that point .

Be your own person , have your own fun with your own friends ...don't worry so much . I mean that all with kindness ....

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...