Broke up due to stressful lives. Real reason or excuse?

About four or five months ago I met a great guy on tinder. I had just graduated college and wasnt expecting a relationship. We met up, had great conversation, slept together and he slept over. I really enjoyed our time together but I didnÂ’t think I would see him again but he kept texting me and we ended up really clicking - texting throughout every day and spending a lot of time together. While we were not together for that long, it seemed like it was getting serious - we met each otherÂ’s parents and friends and it became clear we were getting very close. WeÂ’d talk everyday and heÂ’s always tell me how sweet, etc. I was. We were very emotionally open and trusting, and honestly out of all the guys IÂ’ve been with, he treated me the best.

Both of us are recent college graduates living in New York trying to pursue our careeers. Neither of us are happy with our jobs and they both cause us a huge amount of stress. Admittedly, it was probably not the best time for either us to get into a relationship, but I went with it because I really like/d him. Within the past month, both of us seemed very stressed out and depressed due to our individual life situations. I had an abusive boss whereas he wants to break into the music industry, but works as a waiter and is unhappy about that and his lack of money. He struggled with addiction and has been sober for two years. He told me that a lot of the problems stemmed from depression.

At the low point in my depression, i considered braking up with him because we both had so much on our plates and seemed like it would be easier to focus on these things alone. I knew that was my temporary depression talking, so I didnÂ’t act on it. We were starting to spend less time together and when we were together, it was like we could not shake out of our individual stress and we just both seemed like our minds were elsewhere. I decided to tough it out because heÂ’s such a great guy, but on Saturday he broke up with me. I would not say it was mutual but I understand.

He said that he feels his life is in tatters right now and believes that he cannot be in a relationship while also trying to figure his life out. I think he has mild depression - when I met him he seemed depressed and I think he has just been unhappy for a while. I told him I understood his feelings and asked if his feelings toward me had changed. He said he just needed to hash things out alone. He said that even though my personal actions werenÂ’t burdensome, he felt that being in a relationship was a burden and he needed to simplify his life. I said I would be sad if I never saw or heard from him again, and he agreed, saying we would. I told him I would miss him and he told me the same. Overall, it was a rather calm and amicable breakup.

He is also not that good at asserting himself and told me he felt like he was giving all his emotional energy to his friends and got nothing from them in turn. The weeks leading to our breakup he would tell me that he felt “down”, “drained”, and wanted to run away from his life. I am not a controlling or particularly clingy person. I didn’t try to change him, or make him my sole source of happiness. I have my own life and my own friends, having him in my life was a massive perk but I am not codependent. I enjoyed being around him and wanted to support him and make him happy.

while I understand that sometimes depression and life can be so overwhelming, a part of me was hoping he would stick it out until things calmed down because I am worth it to him. That was how I felt, and I thought maybe heÂ’d feel the same. I also do not know if I believe that you canÂ’t figure your life out while being with someone. We were not together for that long, so itÂ’s not like we lost ourselves in the relationship. I am just wondering if you think this is all a justifiable reason to break up, or maybe he just wasnÂ’t into me anymore but didnÂ’t want to say that. He had definitely seemed stressed leading to the break up, and he does has a history with depression, so I donÂ’t think he is making this part up. I do believe he is struggling. I just felt like we could have worked through it somehow.

we have not been in contact since it happened four days ago. I do not want to nag him nor do I want to talk to him yet. I feel like I need to heal but I am definitely interested in reaching out in a few months. Do you think this is a good idea or do you think I should just let it go and walk away?

I have been in longer relationships before, but of all the men i met, i saw the most potential with him. He was really everything I could have asked for so this feels particularly hard.

Some people self medicate with the high of the rosy glow of new romances which of course wears of so they need a new novel "high". People often try to stay friends. If you can do so great however he seems like a short term casual kind of guy. Get back on dating apps and keep dating, if that is what you want, but don't hold your breath for this guy.

hi Sarah... the answer to your question is within your own post. you yourself said you almost broke up with him b/c of how depressed you were about your life (nothign to do with him) and "how it seemed it would be easier to focus on things alone."

So if YOU could strongly consider that, why is it he can't?

No you ultimately didn't break up over that but you considered it and almost did. The only difference is... he felt strongly enough about it that he did it. That's all.

Also, just my experience and observations, yes.. stress in real life and trying to work things out and especially when depressed.. it seems to be a legitimate reason that people need to take time by themselves and either separate or break it off.

Real reason or excuse?

These amount to the same thing. When someone wants out, they want out. Most people reach for the easiest reason to say that it's not working for them, because they aren't invested in detailing multiple reasons or in putting in more work to try to make it work.

With short term dating stints that end amicably, there's probably no real harm in reaching out in 6 month or a year to learn whether the other is still unavailable. Depends on how well you can handle the outcome if you don't get the kind of response you want.

I'm sorry for your disappointment, that sucks.

Head high.

Sounds like a case of you can't judge others by yourself and what you would do. Some people thrive more when they are in a loving and supportive relationship, but others wilt in that and see it as an additional emotional burden and drain on them that they'd rather cut loose. Sounds like this guy is the latter. Better off on his own, drifting in and out of relationships as needed. Unfortunately you, OP, are more of the former where you would thrive better with a supportive partner and you are willing to do the same for your partner.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to try and hang on to him or contact him in a few months. His core personality isn't going to change, life is full of stress, and all this will get you is an on again/off again draining and disappointing mess. Life is too short for that. Let this guy go for good and when ready, look for someone who is more similar to yourself at the core.

These amount to the same thing. When someone wants out, they want out. Most people reach for the easiest reason to say that it's not working for them, because they aren't invested in detailing multiple reasons or in putting in more work to try to make it work.

With short term dating stints that end amicably, there's probably no real harm in reaching out in 6 month or a year to learn whether the other is still unavailable. Depends on how well you can handle the outcome if you don't get the kind of response you want.

 

I'm sorry for your disappointment, that sucks.

 

Head high.

I echo this^^, and also to add that stress and depression come in many shapes and sizes. Meaning he may have been stressed/depressed due to job, life etc, but being in a RL with you (while in his heart he knew he wanted out) may have also been causing his stress or adding to his already existing stress and depression. I've heard guy friends speak of feeling this way A LOT.

I'm not sure what you're asking here, do you want to know if he still has feelings for you? But that life got in the way, he's too busy, stressed, depressed, whatever? And that maybe given time, if you leave him alone, he'll come around, shake it off and you two may have a chance?

JMO but doubtful. But not ruling it totally out. Like catfeeder said, no real harm in reaching out in six months to a year to see where he's at.

By then, you may not even want to though. Because in the meantime, it's best to get out there meeting and dating other men! Do NOT wait around for this guy, try to put him out of your mind and date other men.

Something else to consider -- the reason why you feel more connected to this guy, more so than the others, is precisely because there is so much uncertainty and ambiguity attached to this relationship, which may be indicative of your own commitment issues or fears.

Relationships with men who are more stable, who don't have these stresses or depression, leave you feeling sort of meh, bored.

If so, not judging, I used to be drawn to unstable men as well, but I've done a lot of introspection and self-reflection and fortunately (and happily) I have worked through that unhealthy mindset (for the most part) and am now in healthy RL with a great stable guy who is not depressed, and whom I trust and can count on (and vice versa).

You guys were still in the early stages -- i think its bad timing for anything serious for him -- I would move on.

Do not contact him.

You say he "treated you the best" out of all the guys you have been with - there are other guys out there who will treat you with kindness and respect --- after some time to heal - go out there and start dating in order to find one.

Sounds like a case of you can't judge others by yourself and what you would do. Some people thrive more when they are in a loving and supportive relationship, but others wilt in that and see it as an additional emotional burden and drain on them that they'd rather cut loose. Sounds like this guy is the latter. Better off on his own, drifting in and out of relationships as needed. Unfortunately you, OP, are more of the former where you would thrive better with a supportive partner and you are willing to do the same for your partner.

 

I don't think it's a good idea for you to try and hang on to him or contact him in a few months. His core personality isn't going to change, life is full of stress, and all this will get you is an on again/off again draining and disappointing mess. Life is too short for that. Let this guy go for good and when ready, look for someone who is more similar to yourself at the core.

I agree.

This guy is not a keeper. If it's not this, it will be something else.

Do not contact him again.

we have not been in contact since it happened four days ago. I do not want to nag him nor do I want to talk to him yet. I feel like I need to heal but I am definitely interested in reaching out in a few months. Do you think this is a good idea or do you think I should just let it go and walk away?

Men tend to pull away when they are stressed and need to solve problems in their lives... some to the extreme of ending a relationship... women want to connect even more... it's a dynamic that is often at odds in a relationship especially when you are just getting to know each other. It's a good call to let him have his space to figure out his life and to take space to figure out yours.

Who knows what life will be like in a few months... you might meet someone that is at a different place in life that intrigues you by then... if you are still thinking about him then why the heck not message him? Let it go for now and see how you feel down the road.

Feeling for you, OP.

Answering your core q: yes, I think he was being honest with you. He had more or less the same concerns you did, but his approach was different, more primitive. You’re a bit stronger than him emotionally, I’d say—which, at the risk of making a generalization, is often the case with young women and men.

I spent most of my 20s in versions of his shoes, connecting with great people but perpetually unable to balance life and love, always seeing a relationship as the weight that made it impossible to sort through the stresses of life, whenever those stresses became particularly acute.

During stressful junctures I tended to get into very short things—the medicating effect per Wiseman’s post—and the one long, healthy relationship I got into was during a low stress point (and ended, yeah, when I combusted under stress). At 39 my mindset is different, but I can still be a big pain in the a$$ on this front.

I tell you all that to provide context about reaching out down the line. Sure, no harm in it, should the desire surface post-healing. I longed for a lot of the women mentioned above, and would have loved to hear from them down the line. And in many cases I did. Thing is, they’d healed by then, saw me as volatile—good for friends, not romance. You may very well find you feel the same about him sooner than you think. You may very well find that he doesn’t serve you at all.

Katrina makes some really good points. Available generally seeks available, while unavailable seeks unavailable. And then there is the middle ground, the semi-available, as I like to think of it, which also seeks its own level. Dating apps are real playgrounds for the semi-available.

Sounds like you both were in that semi-available state—not sure about dating but, alas, swiping on Tinder. There can be a lot of chemistry and connection in that space—it’s my default setting—but it’s not a space that can hold. Ideally the connection pushes both people into an available state, but often it’ll push one into being available and another in the opposite direction.

And I think that’s kind of what happened here. You’ve learned you’re a bit more open than you knew, while he regressed into a more unavailable spot.

Which sucks. Hugs. I’ve been on all sides of that equation. But being open to feeling is, ultimately, the best place to be so try to take some comfort in that as you move forward.

As others have pointed out, it does not matter whether an explanation is seen as a "real reason" or as an "excuse". Perhaps it's different if they lie to you about why they're breaking, but in the end, however valid the dumper feels a reason to breakup is is all the validity that's needed for it to be "real". It could certainly seem like, or even be, the "wrong decision", but that doesn't matter -- we have to accept other peoples' decisions, regardless of what they are.

All you can do is keep your head up and keep moving forwards, focusing on more of the things you like.

In my eyes it is nothing but an excuse. Deep feelings mean people consider each other an indispensable part of their life, whether the latter is stressful ot not. If problems are a sufficient reason to break up, it means your presence has not been a priority and then this relationship is not worth it. Man and woman must consider each other a treasure, not a pastime that can become an obstacle for "important things". A person one really needs cannot be a burden.

while I understand that sometimes depression and life can be so overwhelming, a part of me was hoping he would stick it out until things calmed down because I am worth it to him. That was how I felt, and I thought maybe heÂ’d feel the same. I also do not know if I believe that you canÂ’t figure your life out while being with someone. We were not together for that long, so itÂ’s not like we lost ourselves in the relationship. I am just wondering if you think this is all a justifiable reason to break up, or maybe he just wasnÂ’t into me anymore but didnÂ’t want to say that. He had definitely seemed stressed leading to the break up, and he does has a history with depression, so I donÂ’t think he is making this part up. I do believe he is struggling. I just felt like we could have worked through it somehow.

 

we have not been in contact since it happened four days ago. I do not want to nag him nor do I want to talk to him yet. I feel like I need to heal but I am definitely interested in reaching out in a few months. Do you think this is a good idea or do you think I should just let it go and walk away?

 

I have been in longer relationships before, but of all the men i met, i saw the most potential with him. He was really everything I could have asked for so this feels particularly hard.

My two cents on the subject.

Don't take it personnaly (part that outlined in your post) as I do believe if he struggles with depression for a long time, he is probably ed up beyond all repairs so that's not really that is not into you but can't get his together.

It is not a good idea to try again if my assumptions are justified, it will be the exact same story.