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Thread: My girl friend separates sex and love

  1. #1

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    My girl friend separates sex and love

    Hi All,

    This is my first post, I haven't done this before, I'm a 37 year old man and feel a little embarrassed about sharing this but struggling to come to terms with a few things my girlfriend has told me....

    We've been together 6 months, everything was great, lots of sex, love and everything else that you'd ever want from a relationship. One night for some reason she told me that she couldn't orgasm through penetration (unless she's on top) with me but has been able to with other guys (just to note this has nothing to do with penis size, I'm not small). This led me to asking questions that I wish I hadn't asked...

    So she told me that she had been pretty promiscuous in the past and due to a very bad sexual experience at 16 she had separated sex and love. She said that she orgasms more easily if she's not as involved (no love) with the person, this has led her to have relationships purely for sex, although she has had other loving relationships before me.

    My issues are, firstly I have judged her on her past which is completely hypercritical as I've had numerous sexual partners and girlfriends but I have always tried to stay away from girls which I perceive as promiscuous (I think this is common with men), now there is less desire from my side. Secondly, I feel insecure about her previous sex life in comparison and although she clearly loves me I worry she'll want no strings orgasmic sex with someone else in the future.

    I know these are my issues, not hers, but I'm going around in mental negative circles. My ego has been seriously dented but I'm not sure any guy would handle what was mentioned well, it's really starting to affect our relationship and our sex life has been reduced to serious emotional sex only and not much of it.

    Should I be concerned about her pattern of sexual behaviour that she's had all her adult life? And how do I move on/deal with the fact my girlfriends likes no strings sex? Please help

  2. #2
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    So... I seriously question your girlfriend’s motives in telling you all this. While everything she said may have been true, it’s seriously TMI to say to someone “oh, btw - I orgasm waaaaay better with other people and there’s nothing you can do about it”. Of course this has made you feel insecure! She really didn’t consider your feelings at all in this whole “confession”. You are supposed to build your partner up not tear them down? It simply wasn’t kind.

    That, to me, would be the bigger red flag. Is she usually a bit selfish or a drama queen?

    In terms of sexual past/promiscuity, I would not take it as an indicator of anything. It is what it is and it made her who she is today (and the person that you care about).

  3. #3
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    I agree her telling you that she doesn’t orgasm with you is harsh and uncalled for!

    It would bother me if a guy was unemotionally detached from sex so I can see why it bothers you. It goes both ways. You can’t do anything about her past sex life like she can’t erase yours either. I suggest you find ways to let that go.

    If you’re concerned about her cheating Because sex to her doesn’t mean anything. Then you need to address those issues as well.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....I mean what she shared with you is basically that she had experienced serious emotional and psychological damage. So the real question you need to be asking is what, if anything, she has done to actually fix herself. Meaning has she sought counseling, was it successful, or not, or partially. If not fully successful is she still working on that and how?

    How she answers those questions, will tell you a lot in terms of whether you want to stick around or cut bait and run.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cornwall

    My issues are, firstly I have judged her on her past which is completely hypercritical as I've had numerous sexual partners and girlfriends but I have always tried to stay away from girls which I perceive as promiscuous (I think this is common with men)

    I know these are my issues, not hers, but I'm going around in mental negative circles. My ego has been seriously dented but I'm not sure any guy would handle what was mentioned well
    While you pay lip service to being hypercritical, you absolve yourself of it ("this is common with men"..."I' m not sure any guy would handle what was mentioned well...") So you are ok with you having been promiscuous but not her having been promiscuous. Imo, this girl is no different than you when it comes to relationships. If she has had other loving relationships before you and "clearly" loves you then the chances of her leaving you for no strings sex are the same as the ones of you leaving her for no strings sex. As for the fact that she disclosed to you what works for her in terms of orgasming, that could be part of trying to let you know what works for her (communicating instead of faking orgasms) rather than any attempt to hurt your ego. She trusted you enough to open up about the past and why she is the way she is. Imo, your worries stem more from your issues than hers.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    While it wasn't kind or empathetic of her to tell you that she can't orgasm with you, if you step back and look at the big picture, you will see that this isn't about you at all... this girl is broken and needs to do some healing.

    Sounds like she wants to be in control during sex... hence the emotional detachment and the need to be on top / dominant with you in order to have an orgasm. If she was assaulted and didn't deal with it, she may be terrified of being emotionally connected or letting someone else take control which will get in the way of her enjoyment of the process.

    In my experience, the thing with being sexually assaulted is that many people never get over it and don't get the help they need to work through the feelings around it, and end up acting out in all sorts of ways to avoid facing it. It ruins lives, relationships, and destroys part of the soul. And even for those of us that do the work it's always there, lurking in the back of our mind.

    This girl is running running running from intimacy and attachment... and until she is willing to deal with it, she will not be able to empathize or emotionally connect with you the way you want.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    If you leave out her past completely and look at her seemingly defensive emotional block about sex and love you should be very concerned.

    The best sex I have always had is with someone I love very deeply. It is all about them, their pleasure, their emotions, their passion and their desire to be with me in that moment that makes it the best. To quote Wiseman "using someone as a sex doll" is not healthy. She basically used other men to get off with zero emotional connection AND when she does have an emotional connection she is blocked. This is because she is trying to prevent herself from being hurt.

    Basically she has one foot out the bedroom door every time you have sex. I am curious, how would you describe your sexual interactions with her? Having sex? or Making love? How do you think she sees them?

    Yes you are being a hypocrite about her past so get your pride and ego in check and worry about the more important issues here. BTW how many is too many? 8? 12? 20? 30?

    I don't see this relationship going much farther since it has only been 6 months and the intimacy is already fading.

    Personally I think she needs to talk to a therapist to work through the abuse she endured when young. Her solution doesn't sound very healthy...

    Lost

  9. #8
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    When will people learn to leave the past where it belongs ...in the past .

  10. #9
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Of course you have reason to be concerned when a woman tells you she uses casual sex as a coping mechanism for her emotional issues.

    Question is: is that the past or the present reality? Has she addressed those issues ?

    There comes a point where saying you act out because of a bad experience can become an excuse if the work isn't being put in to change it.

  11. #10
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    Has she sought counseling?

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