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Thread: My girl friend separates sex and love

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    While you pay lip service to being hypercritical, you absolve yourself of it ("this is common with men"..."I' m not sure any guy would handle what was mentioned well...") So you are ok with you having been promiscuous but not her having been promiscuous. Imo, this girl is no different than you when it comes to relationships. If she has had other loving relationships before you and "clearly" loves you then the chances of her leaving you for no strings sex are the same as the ones of you leaving her for no strings sex. As for the fact that she disclosed to you what works for her in terms of orgasming, that could be part of trying to let you know what works for her (communicating instead of faking orgasms) rather than any attempt to hurt your ego. She trusted you enough to open up about the past and why she is the way she is. Imo, your worries stem more from your issues than hers.
    I agree with this, largely.

    You've already called yourself out as being hypocritical. Can you get curious about that, about your own reaction, rather than focusing on her or finding quick absolution in chalking it up to men vs. women? Like, what do you think is going on that makes it okay for you to have had multiple partners but you'd prefer a more chaste and inexperienced woman?

    I don't ask that with judgement, but it's worth exploring. I'm about your age, have been with numerous people in just about every scenario imaginable, to say nothing of my own early sexual trauma. I'm not ashamed of any of that, don't self-identify as promiscuous, and generally prefer a fellow traveler in that regard. It simply makes me more comfortable, more relaxed, more able to surrender to the present than be beholden to my past. More to the point, I'm open to learning, to being guided by a woman to expand my understanding of intimacy and pleasure by better understanding her own needs and tics—in the bedroom and outside of it.

    Nothing, really, hotter than that. But you can only access that heat through curiosity; judgement and insecurities snuff it out quick.

    So while I agree with some that she could have been a bit gentler in how she mentioned things, I don't think she was playing games. I think she was opening up, if a bit clumsily. If she loves you, as you say, I think it was a display of trust, an invitation to explore, to go deeper, physically and emotionally, rather than close off and let insecurities take the reigns. I don't know the details of what happened to her at 16, but a lot of people I know, myself included, have a mix of sex-centric and love-centric relationships under their belt by the time they get into their 30s.

    Have you cheated in the past? Have you ever been committed to someone you loved but found your eyes couldn't stop wandering? Have you ever been emotionally satisfied by someone but not sexually? I ask those questions because there's a chance your fears about her stem from your own past as much as what she's revealed. Everyone has a sexual past, after all, and there's no safeguard to stave off a relationship's demise.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's fine to talk about sex and what works what doesn't etc. What seems like high school here is enumerating partners and all the details. I don't think you or she needs therapy because, at your ages, you've accumulated a lot of experience and partners.

    So she had a bunch of NSA situations? And so...? Casual, fwb, one nighters, fbuddies all exist. And plenty of people have reached for that to scratch an itch in between relationships. Different partners have different sexual rapports. It's never identical with this one or that one.

    Try not to take it personally. Lots of women orgasm this way or that but need that or this or whatever...So? It's 6 mos and you talked about sex and orgasms. This does not mean she will become "promiscuous" or cheat, etc.

    It all boils down to what you heard through her transparent answers to your questions and if you can handle that and whatever blow to the ego you perceive it was that she has this particular experience with you. Just try oral on her. Learn about each other.
    Originally Posted by Cornwall
    We've been together 6 months.she told me that she couldn't orgasm through penetration (unless she's on top) with me but has been able to with other guys
    She said that she orgasms more easily if she's not as involved (no love) with the person, this has led her to have relationships purely for sex, although she has had other loving relationships before me.

  3. #13
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    I will never understand how on thse forume people insiste on not answering the ACTUAL question and feel compelled to judge some aspect of the qeustion instead. Useless...

    So okay.. to your SPECIFIC QUESTION...
    1. No I don't think you should worry about her "past sexual history" when it comes to your relationship. In effect, she is saying she LOVES you and truly has feelings for you b/c of the difficulty of orgasming. So if you were looking for a long-term thing, that's how she sees you.
    2. You can work with her to have "for orgasm" sessions vs "loving" sessions as needed. her orgasm is not necessarily dependent on having a man she has no feelings for to have it.. This is where you can get craetive and eventually meld back for her the worlds of "orgasm" and "love" over time. You'll learn a lot more about her and a lot about yourself on this journey if you wish to take this on.

    Promiscuity to me is something people do (i'm sure if you think back on YOUR personal life you'd agree with this) - when they haven't found a person they want to get serious with.
    Promiscuity is not something I think happens when you are with somebody you TRULY TRULY like and see as long term.

    So i don't think there's anythign to worry about (her cheating, etc.) - take it upon yourelf to somehow figure out with her how to help her orgasm with you - be it being creative, or being open/flexible enough to have "just for orgasm" sessions vs "loving" sessions. Most couples if they've been together long enough - tend to have both types of sessions anyway - so it's normal.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Just my opinion, I think some of you are glazing over what she told him about why she seperates sex and love, why she has trouble orgasming with someone where there is emotional intimacy. She told him very directly it is a coping mechanism she developed in response to bad sexual experience as a teen. She told him she sought out casual sex and in her words has been promiscuous as a result of that.

    It's not about judging her good or bad, but surely you can see why that would be concerning for a partner who wants to love her and also have hot sex with her. For her, it's compartmentalized. And if she hadn't addressed it, when the emotional bottleneck she has developed becomes full, her response based on what she herself knows about herself is to zone out and leave her body.

    There's lots of literature on this. And she could change it. She may not want to - that's why I asked if she has done anything about it or is she just looking for someone who is ok with living with it as is for the foreseeable future?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Firstly, there are a whole slew of women out there who orgasm via penetration easier or even exclusively when on top. Makes perfect sense when you consider gravity doing the work of pressing the guy full inside and the extra maneuverability that affords her vs. a guy putting in a full leg workout for 15 degree range of motion. Skill helps, but you've either got the penis for the job for that particular woman and in that particular situation or you don't. Not an excuse not to do your best, and I can't say I've personally suffered from any lack of fortune, but don't take it too personally.

    Also, no, it's not surprising at all she gets off easier with non-romantic partners with whom sex is pretty much perpetually a novelty. There's a reason even with many or most committed couples, the best sex happens early. Not to suggest she may not have room for some form of counseling (re: whatever this "bad sexual experience" was when she was 16), but there's nothing written here I find tremendously troubling when taken at face value. Admittedly, while I can very easily compartmentalize sex, there is often its own connection when having sex with my wife. Still, different people feel different connections in different ways. If she weren't building an healthy and proportionate emotional connection with you, period, I'd be more concerned. If sex itself simply doesn't serve as a vessel for that, while other dynamics and practices do, it's not my place to call her damaged goods for it.

    Regardless, you're 37. That's not by any means old fogie territory, but I do think you're at the point of it simply being what it is. You can adapt your more objective judgments of women like her, but for your own sense of respect when it comes to your romantic partner with her history and qualities, I think you're better off doing both her and yourself a favor and letting her go to find someone who more closely matches your own values system.

  7. #16
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    I will never understand how on thse forume people insiste on not answering the ACTUAL question and feel compelled to judge some aspect of the qeustion instead. Useless...
    Well speaking for myself ...because I wanted to and that's the joy if a public forum ...we all make our choices on comments .

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