Little sister gone bad..??

Hi,

I'm posting this because I have become really desperate and in need of some advice. I'm twenty. I'm a college student. And I come from a family with some pretty messed up history. Because of this, I'm not close with all of my family members. I have two siblings, we're all girls. I'm the middle child (that's always a blast), and sadly, ever since my older sister hit high school, she never wanted anything to do with me. Even now that she's twenty two and I'm twenty, we aren't close at all. I think part of it was that she has an image of who she thinks I am, but it's not really who I am, at least not anymore, if it ever was. But anyway, I've still maintained a good relationship with my baby sister. She's six years younger than me, not so much of a baby anymore. Every time I came home from college over the past two years, her and my mom have been the ones I'm most excited to see. My little sister and i were so close, we had so much fun together, and really connected. However, suddenly everything changed. I came home for Thanksgiving last month, and noticed she was different. She had just turned fourteen, and she was moodier than usual. But I didn't think much of it. However, I just got home a couple days ago for Christmas break. And it has been horrible. It's like someone took my precious little sister away and replaced her with a mean, angry, devil child. I know that 14 is a really hard age- it was hard for me too...But this is so extreme, it seems. She's completely disrespectful, constantly on her phone or laptop...she keeps watching things on Netflix and then changing the show as soon as I ask what it is....when I try to joke with her the way we used to she blows up and tells me I'm the most annoying person ever and that she hates me. When I ask her to do something she mocks me. I have tried to talk to her about it, and tell her how she made me feel but she just yelled at me until I just had to walk away. Today she was so mean to me that I literally cried (in my defense it was a long day). I wasn't just crying because my feelings were hurt...but because, it's almost like I'm mourning my sister. I don't know what to do, my mother doesn't seem to think it's an issue...but I think my little sister is more respectful to her because she's the boss. I don't know what I did, or if I did anything...I just wish I could have my sister back. Any advice would be much appreciated. I'm so lost and so sad.

There are two obvious possibilities:

1. Drugs

2. Hormones are really making her go crazy

My 13 year old step sister is the same way, seemingly overnight. She's most likely rebelling against my strict and somewhat backwards parents, and I seriously doubt that she's able to do drugs because there are few minutes in her life that aren't supervised.

It could be worse. Several years ago I was trying to help my 15 year old niece qualify for college classes, and after a few times of taking her to the college she decided that she didn't want to go anymore. But instead of just saying that, she told her family that I made her feel uncomfortable... like, sexually. Like I'm a pervert that she thinks might rape her or something. She later apologized and said that she'd made it up because she had changed her mind and didn't want to disappoint me by telling me to my face, but that side of my family still treats me like an unwelcome pervert.

So as a rule, when teenage girls start acting like that, I just leave them alone until they're older. I'm not gonna risk going to prison and being branded a child molester because she's having a hormonal brat day.

As for the Netflix thing, how sure are you that she's watching Netflix? That sounds like how someone would watch porn, honestly.

Read up on puberty and teenage rebellion/moodiness, etc.. Stop treating her like a little kid and give her some space/autonomy. Siblings do not have to be your best friends or social life. Let them hang out with their own peers/age group and you should consider doing the same. Let them be who they are now not who they were years ago. Try to learn and adjust to everyone growing up and whatever else they are doing/going through.

Try not to expect siblings to entertain you or be stand ins for your own age friends when you are on holiday/semester breaks. Agree with your mother. It's not an issue with your sister the issue is your being home and being in her face.

I know that 14 is a really hard age- it was hard for me too...But this is so extreme, it seems. She's completely disrespectful, constantly on her phone or laptop...she keeps watching things on Netflix and then changing the show as soon as I ask what it is.

Unless a broken home, pretty normal.

Keep your distance, she'll most likely get better as she ages.

When you come home, invite her to something she could/would never do. Broadway play, etc.

I agree. This sounds like normal teenager stuff. Teenagers can often be that way - they can be moody and broody... and yeah... sometimes they attack. It’s not pleasant but it’s a combo of hormones and trying to assert their autonomy and independence. It’s not about you - so don’t take it personal... it’s about her.

I agree that the way to handle it is to just brush it off as if it’s not happening. Lol! Respect her boundaries when she attacks. Treat her like an adult. And yeah... I’d invite her out to do stuff. Take her to the movies or to get your nails done together or whatever.

For what it’s worth, when my nephew was about this age (slightly older), I took him on a road trip for a couple of days. It was fun but somewhat painful. He was moody and broody and grumpy just about the whole time. Years later, he still talks about it and tells me it was an awesome road trip!! It was - but I could not have told you he looked like he was enjoying it at the time lol.

Try to be compassionate and let her brood if she has to. She still loves you under all those hormones. It’s just really hard to see right now.

Hormones. And changing brain development.

Being frank, she finds you annoying. Whether her changing hormones or rapidly developing brain in concert with any home or school drama are in any position to justify the sentiment is another question, albeit one that's irrelevant. After the 10th rebuffing, I'd have taken the hint. Genuinely not trying to be mean but to maybe have you read back your own words and reflect, If you hadn't provided details otherwise, I'd guess you were actually the little sister in this scenario.

Again, not saying you are objectively annoying or anything, but you can't force or pester her into being your friend. Demonstrating you respect her space will generally will generally get you much further in that endeavor. How is your own social life going? Do you have any old friends to visit with while at home?

Sorry but she sounds like a very typical teen hitting puberty and all the "fun" that comes with that. Please don't take it personally, and as suggested, give her space. The trouble here is that for you the change is a shock because you are away in college, so it seems so sudden and crazy, but your mom has been dealing with this day to day and it's her third rodeo, so she isn't shocked or bothered like you. Your mom has basically been there done that. Trust her judgment and also give your sister space. Try not to project your sense of loss and rejection from your elder sister to your younger sister. What is actually happening is your sister is no longer the little girl you knew, she is going through growing pains...literally......

All above aside, unfortunately, sibling relationships can be complicated and not friendly at times or at all. Maybe some day once you are all fully mature, you can actually connect better, then again, it might not happen. Don't hinge your personal happiness on that and just accept others as is. Your family situation is not unique.

There's nothing in your post to suggest that she's anything other than a normal, obnoxious teenager. Don't take it personally as this is nothing to do with you, but just accept that this is the way she is for the time being and don't try to connect with her any more than you would an unrelated obnoxious person. She will almost certainly grow out of it.

However, the bigger issue is that you hope to have a meaningful relationship with family members when that is by no means guaranteed. In an ideal world, we'd all have lovely supportive families who care about us, but for many of us that doesn't happen. Rather than hoping for an ideal and then feeling disappointed when it doesn't happen, look at your family members and ask yourself, realistically, if these are people you can have a meaningful relationship with. If not, you can relate to them without getting sucked into the games, but look for close relationships elsewhere. People are who they are, not necessarily who we want them to be.

I've got a lot of sympathy because I come from a very dysfunctional family, too, but you need to find a way through life which is not contingent on the way they behave.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. I really appreciate it. After reading your answers and thinking about the situation more, I've tried to gain more insight into how she might be feeling right now; what might be the root causes of her behavior. And it's helped me to understand a little better. Now I'm wondering, if she keeps stiff-arming me the way she is now, should I just leave her alone and keep to myself, or should I persist in trying to reach out to her? She's clearly giving the message that she doesn't want to talk, but is that what she really wants? Or does she really want someone to prove that they care enough to give her the time of day and try? I think she might be feeling forgotten and like no one cares about her, now that she's all alone at home, with my sister and I away. This is all speculation of course. But if she is feeling that, maybe she needs someone to prove that they care and love her. Would she thank me later for not giving up and persisting in my attempts to spend time with her and talk to her? Or is it really just for the best that I let her be until she comes out of this phase- whenever that may be... (Note: when I say persist in trying to have a relationship with her and talk to her I don't mean constantly being on her back and never letting her have alone time. Just a normal amount of interaction-EVERYONE needs alone time).

Leave her alone and stop analyzing this. She's a pubescent kid sister who needs her privacy, autonomy and some respect.. Stop trying to be friends. If you feel lonely or bored while home for the holidays reach out to some friends at home or back at school. Get out of the house. Go shopping, watch TV in your room, catch up on your social media but stop annoying, pestering, provoking and trying to manipulate and change her because you're bored.

should I just leave her alone and keep to myself, or should I persist in trying to reach out to her? She's clearly giving the message that she doesn't want to talk

I have an 18-year-old stepdaughter who is barely tolerable at this point. But when she hit puberty? And through about age 17? Evil, horrible person!

Self destructive, emotional basket case. Destroyed her room, failing in school, even took off for 10 days at age 15.

My thinking is that some girls do not even know at all whatsoever how to handle the hormone changes in their lives. And anything in their life is magnified by that inability to cope.

Sometimes we with we could put her in a hut for and let her out again when she is civilized.

In 12-Step programs like Alanon (the support group for friends and families of alcoholics) there is a concept of 'detaching with love', which means that although you still love and care about the other person, you let them make their own decisions without taking them personally, and you stop reacting to their behaviour - for example, if someone's rude and dismissive for no apparent reason, you recognise that that's a statement about where they're at, and don't let it affect you personally.

Your sister has made it clear that she doesn't want to have a close, friendly relationship with you - at least, not for the time being. The fact that you've been trying so hard will have already let her know that you're there if she needs you. Now, you need to carry on being pleasant and cheerful no matter how she behaves, but look to others for friendship and connection.

Good luck!