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Thread: Is This An Effective Punishment?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Why is he living with his grandparents now instead of with one of his parents? Maybe I missed that?
    It's a long and complicated story. His maternal grandfather was very sick and his mother decided to send him to live with my parents. My older brother is not as involved and lives in a one bedroom apartment building with his new girlfriend and 1 year old son. He is only living with my parents until July, when he will either go back to living with his mother or have to move in with my older brother. If it seems a little sketchy, it is, as I am just as confused about the circumstances. Personally, I think the mother is just trying to dump the kid off on someone.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Autism aside, your fathers behavior is abusive, controlling, and highly concerning. First of all, a child not wanting to go to the store with him doesn't warrant punishment. At 11 years old, it's reasonable for him to exert enough personal space to decline an outing such as this and it would be equally expected for the adult to actually allow that unless there are extenuating reasons why he just absolutely had to go. This is not a situation where the child pitched a fit when the whole family was going to some event. The punishment of not allowing him to play/walk the dogs ever again is quite frankly cruel, abusive, and malicious for ANY child, let alone one with autism. There is something very very wrong with your father. Has he always been like this?

  3. #13
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    When my father was ready to leave to go to the store, my nephew said that he changed his mind and didn't want to go. As a response to this, my father decided to punish him by not allowing him to go near the dogs permanently. Despite, pleas from my mother and other family members, my father is refusing to budge. He insists that my nephew needs to learn to manners and to respect others. Would you say that this punishment is justified? What should be done?

    It is okay to punish him by telling him if he stays home, then he cannot stay home to play with the dogs while he does so. The dogs will be in their crates. A privilege is taken away. He is not attached to an iPad or going to parties so the grandfather has no leverage with that. Instead of starting a war with Grandpa, maybe since he is frustrated that he cannot reach this kid, you volunteer to babysit/do something with the kid once in awhile to alleviate the grandparents for a few hours.

    There could be slightly more to the story ------ he could have had a melt down over mom not being able to talk to him and could have been doing more than simply not wanting to go to the store and Grandpa might have been at wit's end so that's what came out of his mouth. If the only thing that he will respond to is the dogs and he won't pay attention to the grandparents, maybe they are feeling they are doing what is best. Forever is not the right thing of course, but they are probably in over their heads

    Parenting an autistic kid is tough -- and it is probably tougher when you are dealing with him reacting to parents who let him down

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MIApac
    It's a long and complicated story. His maternal grandfather was very sick and his mother decided to send him to live with my parents. My older brother is not as involved and lives in a one bedroom apartment building with his new girlfriend and 1 year old son. He is only living with my parents until July, when he will either go back to living with his mother or have to move in with my older brother. If it seems a little sketchy, it is, as I am just as confused about the circumstances. Personally, I think the mother is just trying to dump the kid off on someone.

    What? Like you brother has done to him you mean?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I will also add this - using the bond between a child and an animal is NEVER an appropriate punishment under any circumstances whatsoever. Again, this is regardless of autism.

    I'd maybe be less harsh if your father had told the child that he may not play with the dogs for the next two hours, still completely inappropriate, but less malicious. Prohibiting that child from interacting with the dogs permanently is flat out and out malicious, vindictive abuse. Sorry, OP, but I'm truly appalled and wonder just what you grew up with that you yourself aren't sure if this is or isn't appropriate. It.is.not.appropriate.at.all.ever.

  7. #16
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    Totally inappropriate for ANY child and totally cruel and unwarranted. I raised an Autistic individual and I fear for your nephew.

  8. #17
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    @ThatWasThen

    Over the weekend, my nephew tried to call his mother early in the morning and was upset when she told him that she couldn't speak to him and would call him back later in the day?
    He insists the nephew needs to learn to manners and to respect others
    We can disagree on my assessment (and your assessment) but this is what I was reacting to. The child was upset earlier that day over a simple phone call. I imagined that carried out in his decision to "not go" suddenly and was inter-related. That I could reasonably see as to why the grandpa felt the child needed to be disciplined to "have manners and learn to respect others". i don't know much about autism so as i've already said, i can't speak to that part. so my comments are related more to "i can see the way Grandpa connected the dots as to why discipline was necessary.

    Once discipline is decided upon, the only way to effectively discipline is to remove somethign of value that the disciplinee cares about or values. The OP made it clear that the ONLY thing this child seems to value is time with the dogs. So there is ONLY 1 thing that would constitute effective discpline in this case - removing time with the dogs. Given that was the grandpa's only option given what the child showed - how does that make him a "control freak". There is no point to INEFFECTIVE discpline - that's a waste of everybody's time.

    As to the "permanent" threat, any adult knows that during discipline (effective discipline) - that's just what a guardian has to frame it as to get the message across. ALL OF US KNOW the child and dogs would be re-acquainted soon enough once the lesson was learned. (This is an assumption on my part - but i'm PRETTY SURE we ALL would agree Grandpa never truly intended to separate the dogs and his grandson forever.

    So we can agree to disagree. This is how I ready it, what i reacted to, and why i felt it was the only card Grandpa could play if he felt discipline was necessary.
    Last edited by thisisrichey; 12-18-2018 at 05:00 PM. Reason: clarification on autism

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by thisisrichey
    @ThatWasThen




    We can disagree on my assessment (and your assessment) but this is what I was reacting to. The child was upset earlier that day over a simple phone call. I imagined that carried out in his decision to "not go" suddenly and was inter-related. That I could reasonably see as to why the grandpa felt the child needed to be disciplined to "have manners and learn to respect others". i don't know much about autism so as i've already said, i can't speak to that part. so my comments are related more to "i can see the way Grandpa connected the dots as to why discipline was necessary.

    Once discipline is decided upon, the only way to effectively discipline is to remove somethign of value that the disciplinee cares about or values. The OP made it clear that the ONLY thing this child seems to value is time with the dogs. So there is ONLY 1 thing that would constitute effective discpline in this case - removing time with the dogs. Given that was the grandpa's only option given what the child showed - how does that make him a "control freak". There is no point to INEFFECTIVE discpline - that's a waste of everybody's time.

    As to the "permanent" threat, any adult knows that during discipline (effective discipline) - that's just what a guardian has to frame it as to get the message across. ALL OF US KNOW the child and dogs would be re-acquainted soon enough once the lesson was learned. (This is an assumption on my part - but i'm PRETTY SURE we ALL would agree Grandpa never truly intended to separate the dogs and his grandson forever.

    So we can agree to disagree. This is how I ready it, what i reacted to, and why i felt it was the only card Grandpa could play if he felt discipline was necessary.
    I agree with you. The problem with disciplining me as a child is i LOVED being alone in my room, so it was NOT punishment. My parents could not use it.

  10. #19
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I agree with you. The problem with disciplining me as a child is i LOVED being alone in my room, so it was NOT punishment. My parents could not use it.
    Right. A lot of parents think they're disciplining their kids but they're not because they are acting upon what THEY THINK would discipline them- what makes sense to THEM. They FAIL to think of what matters to the kid and will get the message across to the kid! Your example is perfect. You liked being alone in your room - so what good and how effective of disciplin is it to send you to your room? ZERO!

    So.. as to whether the decision that the child should be discplined - that can obviously be debated and where we can all agree to disagree. I know what i reacted to and what dots i put together but i can respect that other people saw it differently - no problem.
    But if we are to allow that maybe the discipline was necessary or IF it was - then i don't think we can get on Grandpa for how he decided to discipline the kid. that was the ONLY card he could play given what the child values or finds value in at their house. Anythign else would not have been effective (sending him to his room, no plaing outside, no tv, whatever... child didn't care about any of that and none of those things were of any value to him).

  11. #20
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    My son LOVES his room. Sending an Autistic person to a quiet space is an Autistic personís dream not punishment .

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