Drawn to someone I know I can't help.

I talk to someone on line that my heart just goes out to. He is much younger than me and is really struggling with funds. He has no money, no family, and is struggling to keep his head above water and survive with the small jobs he manages to work. Just from talking to him on line I can see his intelligence. But he has some issues. First he is easily angered and he lashes out a lot. But I know when I had such a life I had anger problems too. When life sucks, anger, is a reasonable thing. He often has unreal goals and dreams. Ok when I was his age I probably had similar unreal thoughts. It was a coping mechanism. But he kind of is a know it all. All of this being said, I really really really want to help him. Though I live no where near him, I have plenty of room where I live. A couple of times he has been briefly homeless and I admit I came close to offering. I also could donate some money to him and frankly I would like him to have money that usually I have to give to things I don't want to give to (work bull) Mostly though I do want to be a good solid friend and mentor to him because I feel strongly that he is an intelligent kind person who just desperately really needs some help. It almost feels like a calling.

That being said, there are downsides are this. He is a stranger on line. I really don't know if whatever he is saying is true or what he is all about. Like all young guys he talks almost excessively about affection. And I don't really want that to get confused with genuine help. I know he likes video games and I suspect he cannot give this up and perhaps that is one reason he is living a horrible life. I even know a lot of adult men that are literally spending 1/2 their days with video games and either can't or won't see how it is hurting them.

But at the same time I feel a little bit like isn't this everything that is wrong with the world today? You know of someone who needs help and you don't help? But then again aren't there a ton of schemes out there were people tell sob stories to get help?

Just confused. Thoughts?

Op you have a big heart!

I wouldn’t send him anything because you don’t know him and don’t know if it’s true what he is saying. I think he’s telling a sob story to scam other people like you out of money.

I understand wanting to help but I find it odd that he would open up to you about such sad things not knowing you. That’s why I feel he’s got an ulterior motive.

I would be leery.

Well a lot of what he says is not specifically to me. It is on a chat board that a few of us all hang out on. And he has been there for over 5 years. So it is relatively long term. But, I have the same concerns as you and feel like it is a hard line i need to maintain.

No. He has to stand on his own two feet. Nothing will ever improve if you become his personal charity. He would have more money if he dropped the video games.

Also, you do not know this person and do not want him living with you. That's nuts, especially if he has anger issues.

OP, why not volunteer in your community.? I think that those folks could use your help, not this guy.

He is making his own poor choices.

But at the same time I feel a little bit like isn't this everything that is wrong with the world today? You know of someone who needs help and you don't help? But then again aren't there a ton of schemes out there were people tell sob stories to get help?

 

Just confused. Thoughts?

For the love of god do NOT invite this stranger into your home or give him money! This guy is an addict and you giving him money or a place to live will only fuel his addiction. He doesn't need your money or your pity... he needs help for his addiction.

If you really want to help him, continue to mentor him and gently direct him towards getting help for his life. Listen to his feelings, help him explore solutions like recovery programs or therapy, but do not think you can play god here and save him... you don't have that much power.

Sara,

There is a LOT wrong in the world today and absolutely one of them is that we've lost sense of community and helping one another. However, there is also a reason that doesn't happen as much anymore - LOTS OF FRAUD and SCAMMERS out there especially online, but in real life too.

The good news is, you can still affect change and help and in sort of a risk-free way. Here is how:

Do NOT send money right away. Money doesn't solve issues (yes i get it he has financial issues - but as you has also observed, he has OTHER issues as well). I would focus on helping in other ways first and THEN if he shows he's willing to do those things to improve his situation, etc. - then MAYBE.. just MAYBE at some point you can feel comfortable sending money. Then again, if he improves in other ways - you shouldn't have to send money as those things will help him improve his financial situation anyway right?

Another key is - nobody tends to act on "unsolicited advice" - so really from the start.. Test #1 is to see if he's coming to you to ask questions on how to improve his situation (rather than just complaining). If he's initiating conversations on coing up with solutions, rather than just complaining about problems - that's how you can naturally step in and offer thoughts, opinions, give ideas on things he may want to try to improve things. THEN you can see if he follows thru, is successful, or is just talk talk talk and waitign for a handout.

This is how I would approach it.

Last thought. Lessons learned from a guy who has given a LOT of handouts, tried to hep a LOT of people... most people don't want to improve their situations (especially online). They just want handouts. In the end, the only way most people improve situations is by helping themselves (in this case, not spending all his time video gaming and using that time to apply for jobs or learn skills to help him become marketable for a job - not spending all his time talking about what he ultimately wants in his fantasies and rather spending that time grinding thru the hard work that is unglamorous to get started and get there step by step intead of wanting immediate success). If you see him (as an example) - studying financial investments and slowly getting into investing money rather than just waying "if i coudl only win the lottery" and spend all his money on lottery tickets - then there is a chance. But if he's the type who just wants to talk about winning the lotto - then chances are he ain't going anywhere.

Forgive me if I come across as blunt here, because I do know how online only connections, to say nothing of connections to troubled souls, can get their hooks in.

I think the more important question to be asking right now is why you're so drawn to him. Even if everything he is saying is true, what, really, is the draw? He's a young, lost dude who plays video games too much and is financially irresponsible. What does engaging with him, to say nothing of providing him money and shelter, get you?

Describing it as a noble, selfless calling is soothing, no doubt, but I'd counter that it's also very much a selfish and misguided calling you feel to fill some kind of void in your life. And I suspect you know this, because otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. You'd be giving him money and shelter without a second thought.

To be the person who potentially "saves" him, who shows him the path, who helps him actualize his potential—there is ego behind that, I suspect, your own ego. To play that role would allow you to feel full instead of asking why and where you feel empty, to feel like you've got some things figured out without having to focus on all the things you still haven't figured out. That you equivocate his current struggles with struggles you've already gone through—well, the risk there is being pulled back into a place you've already evolved out of, so I'd take a minute to explore why you'd even want to go there. Maybe some unresolved issues in your own youth and young adulthood that you can atone for by helping him.

I say all this with compassion. I can relate, in my own way. Can't quite imagine getting this involved with someone who is just pixels, but I know I'm hardwired to be drawn to "broken." Heck, there was a time where even writing that sentence would have been hard, where I would have come up with something more poetic. But facts are facts: I've dated younger than me, more broken than me, more than once. And I've spun some pretty noble and selfless tales to rationalize it, before eventually exploring what was going on in me to be drawn to this. Complex stuff, that, and always ongoing. But, at least in my case, once I started to see it it became less mysterious, less powerful. The draw may remain, but I know that acting on it is to act from my lesser self, to devolve rather than evolve.

Anyhow, straight up advice is to really ask what this serves you? What's the endgame here? He is not your child. What does providing for him get you, once you remove ego, distraction, and a sense of purpose? A sense of purpose is important, true, but we want to search for it by putting our energy in the right places and right people. This does not seem like either of those, in your shoes.

A big heart is a beautiful thing, and you certainly have one of those. But a hungry heart can lead us into dangerous territory.

"Describing it as a noble, selfless calling is soothing, no doubt, but I'd counter that it's also very much a selfish and misguided calling you feel to fill some kind of void in your life. And I suspect you know this, because otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. You'd be giving him money and shelter without a second thought.

To be the person who potentially "saves" him, who shows him the path, who helps him actualize his potential—there is ego behind that, I suspect, your own ego. To play that role would allow you to feel full instead of asking why and where you feel empty, to feel like you've got some things figured out without having to focus on all the things you still haven't figured out. That you equivocate his current struggles with struggles you've already gone through—well, the risk there is being pulled back into a place you've already evolved out of, so I'd take a minute to explore why you'd even want to go there. Maybe some unresolved issues in your own youth and young adulthood that you can atone for by helping him."

I totally agree.

Sorry this is happening. Are you filling a void? This sounds like a very dark negative place and an exploitative negative person. It may be better to watch tv or a series that interests you so you don't get sucked into this dark hole. At some level you realize this is a con artist, scammer, catfish, whatever...yet are drawn in. Very sad.

-He is much younger than me and is really struggling with funds.

-he is easily angered and he lashes out a lot.

-he kind of is a know it all.

-he has been briefly homeless and I admit I came close to offering.

-I also could donate some money to him

-I do want to be a good solid friend and mentor to him

-He is a stranger on line

Kindness is all you need to give him .

I was scammed out of money (a few hundred dollars, two or three times) by someone I met online who pretended to be in a relationship with me. I had an "off" feeling each time, and really saw through the sob story, but I had the money and gave this person the benefit of the doubt. This person was ultimately banned from certain sites for trolling people for money.

That said - it was my heart that got me into trouble. I didn't like being bummed for cash.....doesn't exactly inspire respect in a person.......

Every single thing that Bluecastle wrote above - truth. What Pippy said - truth. Be kind in word and deed, but don't open your home or your wallet to this person.

Isn't something like that a forum rule on the report this post menu here?

This person was ultimately banned from certain sites for trolling people for money.

Dont send money to him, and definitely dont invite him to move in! What are you thinking? You dont know this guy, you know only what he tells you from behind a computer screen. It's fine to want to help someone but not when you dont actually know them.

Be a friend, offer constructive advice, and stop at that.

OP I just read your other posts, I remember your posts about being lonely and wanting friends previously and to echo what bluecastle said I wonder if that's why you are so drawn to this kid... he is vulnerable and crying for help and it seems like something within you is crying out to be needed.

Do not invite this person into your home. Please, do a better job looking out for yourself and develop a stronger sense of self-preservation.

It isn't worth the risk.

You have a lot to give... why not volunteer somewhere? I've been volunteering at community centres on and off for years. Love it - actually miss not having as much time to give there. I also gained some skills there serving on the board.

That's only one idea. If you feel the pull to serve, by all means. Going through an established organization though may be a safer and more fulfilling way than rolling the dice on an online stranger.

You have a lot to give... why not volunteer somewhere? I've been volunteering at community centres on and off for years. Love it - actually miss not having as much time to give there. I also gained some skills there serving on the board. That's only one idea. If you feel the pull to serve, by all means. Going through an established organization though may be a safer and more fulfilling way than rolling the dice on an online stranger.

Fantastic suggestion!!!

I’m very much the same way. I understand the “filling a void” argument but it’s strange to me. For me, it’s always been about empathy and “do unto others”. You feel for their situation, you think “if I were in that situation how would I want others to help me?” and then you want to do that.

The thing is... “do unto others” is quite lovely when it’s one-time things. Helping someone across the street. Feeding their cat while they are away, etc.

But when it comes to chronic things, this is where self-preservation has to kick in. If the guy has anger issues and can’t keep a job and lacks motivation, etc., it has the potential to be a black hole. Once you start to help, they have less incentive to help themselves and you can get caught in a loop that’s very hard to get out of. Instead, with these types of situations, the more appropriate way to help is to point them to community resources that can help him. Hungry? Point him to a food bank. Homeless? Point him to a shelter. Anger issues? Point him to community resources that can help. In those places, they have professionals on hand that can help him make changes when and if he desires. In turn, you can donate to these places if you want. But... this way, he has the sustainable help that he needs (for years or even decades if he needs it) and you have the ability to disengage when it’s appropriate for you.

For chronic-type issues, you really want to have an organization as a buffer between you.

What you are describing doesn’t sound like a short-term bad situation. It sounds chronic. Please be sure to take care of yourself as well!

Just because he is intelligent, doesn't mean that he is ambitious or wants to be who YOU, OP, want him to be. If he is intelligent and he is spending his time chronically over the years drifting from odd jobs, being on and off homeless, etc., then quite frankly he is CHOOSING this life for himself and isn't actually interested in living differently. It's kind of like this, OP, if you just freely give a person a million dollars, they'll happily accept. If you tell them all they have to do, hard choices they have to make, hours they have to work to EARN that million dollars, you'll find that you suddenly don't have any takers.

Anyway, humans aren't fixer upper projects. If you want to save someone, go the shelter and adopt a dog. I'm being serious here. Pour your heart into that and you'll get what you are actually looking for - unconditional love and gratitude.....if you work with trainers and do it right that is. You see even animals need more than just being your void filler.

How old are you? How old is he? Where do you live? Where does he live?

I believe that helping out someone homeless is commendable. Having said that, in my experience, some people are not looking to change. All they want is for others to sustain their lifestyle.

If you were to offer him additional or long-term work, would he take it or would he find an excuse not to? This is a serious question.

You have a lot to give... why not volunteer somewhere? I've been volunteering at community centres on and off for years. Love it - actually miss not having as much time to give there. I also gained some skills there serving on the board.

 

That's only one idea. If you feel the pull to serve, by all means. Going through an established organization though may be a safer and more fulfilling way than rolling the dice on an online stranger.

Please listen to this. Volunteering is the best and healthiest way to help others. You'll also meet lots of like-minded people like you. Never give money or personal information to people from the internet. It's not your responsibility to give him money and housing and it might backfire.

Do you think this chatroom catfish/scammer is a better alternative to real life volunteering or getting on some dating apps?

Definitely tried classes or volunteering but most of the time things don't stick. I am really confused about it because it seems every time I ask about these issues people say these things but then, you go there, and there is no attempt at all to make friends. Everyplace I go they just want to do the work.

 

Or my other favorite.. you go to a class and find everyone else there has brought someone with them? It is annoying. But also, and I know this makes me a problem but I am also busy. As a person without friends I am probably MORE busy than others. So chasing after non sure fire ways to make friends seems to be not worth it as it just puts me more behind.

Well, we don't know at this point if the guy is actually deliberately trying to be a catfish and scam money off people because he hasn't asked for any money at this point. Or has he? Everything he's saying may be true or it may not. But unless you can meet him in person and spend at least some time with him OP, you won't know. This guy may just be on the forums because he's lonely and needs people to talk to (just like OP), it doesn't necessarily mean he wants material things.

Regarding this guy OP, I think if you truly want to help him, then just listen and be there for him and be his friend. If you want to meet him in real life then you can do that but I would say do not at any point offer money or to stay at your place. I've gathered from all these posts that you really want to make friends, but you shouldn't have to buy your friends. If this guy is going to be your friend, that should be because he likes you for who you are and not because you're giving him money or letting him stay at your place.

If you do become friends with this guy in real life, then you could maybe give him a gift for special occasions or shout an occasional coffee, as normal friends do, but there is no need to be overly generous.

Regarding volunteering and going to classes and struggling to make friends...You mentioned that you find it annoying when people come there with other people already. I'm sorry to sound harsh but I'm sensing a negative vibe from you. Rather than seeing it as "annoying", why don't you try to see it as a good thing, that there are more people for you to meet? Are you a very shy person? You can still approach people even if they came with someone else, don't let that intimidate you. We're all sometimes in a position in life where we don't know anyone somewhere. E.g. I've just started a new job and don't know anyone there. I'm going to their Christmas party tomorrow and I'll have to be surrounded by strangers. I don't have to go but I'm just gonna give it a try and do my best.

Also maybe you shouldn't look at everything you do in life as only useful if you get friends from it. If you think about it that way, then you will always get disappointed. Unfortunately we make friends just out of the blue and there is no way to predict or control it. One thing I would definitely recommend though is taking chances and trying as many different things as you can.

My female best friend I met at work when I temporarily applied to work in a different department just for a change of scenery. My male best friend I met at a course that I did while I got expelled from university for failing. I had to wait a year to get back into university so instead of doing nothing I thought I'd do a short one year course in a similar field. Not only did I really enjoy the course, but incidentally I also met my male best friend there. I myself live by the philosophy "I'll try anything once" but I do it just to experience things. I don't expect to always make friends or get benefits from it. The thing is that you can make friends literally anywhere, there is no formula of where you can make them. One time I made a friend because he shouted me a drink because I didn't have change to use a vending machine.