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Thread: A long year of games

  1. #1

    A long year of games

    I am a 33 year old, divorced woman. I got divorced about a year ago. Prior to my divorce, I was separated for about 2 years but never took the initiative to file for my divorce. That was, until this year. My divorce finalized back in June.

    About 3 years ago I met a man... I was very attracted to him, but in my business transaction (I was buying a car) I decided to decline an opportunity to go out with him because I was dating someone else. Although I was casually dating, I was interested in the guy and did not want to ruin my chances with him.

    Fast forward to about 6 months later... I had broken up with the guy and ran into the salesman again when I took my car in for routine maintenance. We exchanged numbers, and occasionally would meet on the weekends for a drink. We quickly connected, enjoying one another's company, but it became quite obvious shortly after that the only place we would be hanging out at was my apartment. Because I was recently separated and had no interest in getting emotionally involved, I didn't bother to raise questions about this arrangement. It served me well, and it served him well.

    This situation continued on quite casually until about a year ago. I was on my way out of town for a trip to Denver, when I casually mentioned to him that since our schedules were not lining up, that perhaps it would be best if we saw other people. I wanted to be transparent and play no games. He took great offense to this, and to my horror, it swung us into an argument that lasted weeks and much distance. I told him I was sorry, that I didn't mean to hurt him, and that although I felt strong feelings for him, I did not feel he was as available as one should be to date. This continued on (but went mostly unaddressed) and we began to hook up again.. I had moved apartments and stopped offering up my place. That is, until about a year ago, when I moved into my renovated house. At this point I had made it clear I had no intentions of returning to my ex husband, and being on my own again, I invited him to my place.

    Somehow over the course of this year, it felt as though the emotional bond continued to strengthen. He would tell me that he loved me, see me 2-3 times a week, but still somehow he never would offer up his house. He would call me every night, fall asleep on the phone with me until early in the morning, text me all day, take me out occasionally.. but still, no view of his house. A month ago we got into an argument because he took issue with me being out. He began to accuse me of being involved with other men, and came over my apartment quite intoxicated that night. He fell asleep, and his phone was open... because he had made so many accusations in the past (and even demanded that we be transparent and show each other our phones), I looked through it. To my horror, I saw texts to multiple women, casually asking for photos, dates, movies, etc. I also found a text to the mother of his child where he said "I love you so much". I woke him up and confronted him. He expressed remorse, promising me that he was never involved with any of those women, but seemed to get a kick out of flirting. He promised he'd stop. When I asked about the text to his child's mother, he confessed that he was very close friends with her, and that though their relationship did not work, they co-parent together and she was a best friend to him.

    After this point, I backed away... a great deal. I just felt as though I was giving him too much time, space, and loyalty for someone who wasn't returning much of it back. I went from texting him daily, hourly, and calling him nightly to hardly any contact at all. Last week, I had a friend over. He began to call me repeatedly. He even showed up to my place. I met him downstairs and told him he had no right to come to my apartment. He kept asking me who was in there, what I was doing, who I was talking to. I told him that he had no right to answer those questions when he kept his life virtually private.

    But now I am confused again. I am dating others and I have accepted the situation for what it is -- but I am struggling with my deep feelings for him. I feel very drawn to him and close to him, but I know that he is toxic for me. As I type this situation out, I realize how bizarre and crazy it is that I could feel so deeply for someone who I have been through so much with and yet never seen his home, but does anyone have any advice you could give me about how I could best move on? Clearly, I know that I cannot answer his calls or texts before I get sucked back in. I feel like this person is someone I am connected with so deeply. It just hurts. And at this point, even if he did meet all the conditions for a relationship, I am not sure that this is a person I can trust, and without trust, I feel there is no hope of even maintaining a friendship with him.


    Please help, even if it's just an encouraging word. I find this situation depressing, and having spent my 20's devoted to one person, I am not sure how to pick up the pieces.


    Regards,

    Tired Soul

  2. #2
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    He is a liar and cheat! I cannot understand why you have any contact with this person. He has shown you who he is. Really foolish to believe all of those lies. Even if it were true that he was flirting, why in the world would that be okay.

    If I had not seen someone's home in a months time, I would have been done. You need to instill boundaries in your life, and choose better men!

  3. #3
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    Honestly, i would block his number. I would change your locks if he has a key.
    I would take a break from dating anyone -- you dated throughout your separation and are newly divorced.
    Take time to figure out who you are as a divorced woman - 6 months with no dates, a year with no dates.
    Go to meetup groups, go on a trip solo or with female friends or a sister -- so that you build yourself up so you are not depressed by rejecting a guy who is not right for you
    The strong connection could be anything - physical/sexual, filling the void of not having a partner, or other things.

  4. #4
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    I agree. No dating for a long while.

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  6. #5
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    I honestly donít think you have deep feelings for him. I think you have feelings for the person you thought he was.

    Now that all of this new information has been revealed, which understandably shocked you, it will take some time to process and accept it. You have to give yourself time to come to terms with who he truly is as a person (now that you have discovered all of these lies), not who you thought he was. He isnít who you thought he was - remember this. Donít tell yourself otherwise.

    Funny how he was projecting onto you what he was guilty of doing himself.

    Heís a selfish, manipulative person who didnít want you to see anyone else, yet clearly thought it was okay for him to see and spend time with other women.

    This isnít someone you can trust, nor is he worth your time.

    Heís shown you his true colours, and as they say, when someone shows you their true colours, believe them.

    So unless you want to subject yourself to further heartbreak, Iíd cut ties with him now and go no contact. Itís the only way youíll heal and get over these feelings.

  7. #6
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    He's probably still living with his child's mother.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You care because you've given the gift of your body to him, along with your time and attention. When you remove all of these things, you will eventually no longer care. Go no contact, cold turkey, so that the closure and healing can happen as fast as you want it to. And don't use another man as a Band-aid. Like the other posters have suggested, work on being happy solo for a while. Otherwise, you will keep accepting sub-par men.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It's true that dating while in the throes of divorce can be a roller coaster ride with blindfolds on. In this case you accepted an on/off nonexclusive situation with a guy who sounds a bit crazy.

    You also decided on an uneven situation by never bothering to see his place, etc. yet maintaining your places as the "love nests" for this on/off fwb situation.

    It would be best to end this, delete and block him from all social media and messaging apps. Also, if he shows up at your place at all or especially drunk and confrontational, call the police asap. Take better care of yourself. Try to unpack some of the divorce baggage and other self esteem/boundary issues in some short term therapy.

    Don't play games and be more decisive about what you want, what you'll stand for and what you get rid of. Chasing jerks is something that you can look back on as just the pitfalls of dating while divorcing. Did your husband cheat on you or become abusive? Where did all this damage come from?
    Originally Posted by nevelikeafox
    My divorce finalized back in June.
    he never would offer up his house.
    came over my apartment quite intoxicated that night.
    He even showed up to my place.

  10. #9
    Thanks to everyone's responses. I realize this post is about 7 months late. I discovered about a week after writing this post that I ended up pregnant. I had been unable to conceive for about 10 years of my last marriage. Sure enough, as each of you said, his truly colors became more and more apparent, and we no longer speak anymore. I don't believe things happen on accident, ever, but it was likely the one thing that jolted me to reality faster than anything else.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Take care of yourself. File for child support on behalf of your child.

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