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Struggling this Christmas.... appointment made for professional help


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Hi guys.

 

I've not posted for some time. Many of you know my story, short relationship (first in 12 years since I was 19) and 2 months after my Dad died. She finished it 2 and half months after we first met (dating website). She was a year out of a 10 year relationship and had a young son.

 

I made the decision not to attempt dating as I knew I had to heal. Well on the 29th of this month it will be a year since she finished it....and it feels almost as raw now as it did back then. I've not attempted to contact her since our final correspondence on the 2nd January 2018. I've felt tempted to recently but I know it's pointless.

 

I feel lost, lonely and with no purpose. I've low confidence and feel empty. My hobbies have helped fill the emptiness, but I have these moments when I think about her still, and then feel so low.

 

I'm really not looking forward to Christmas (I've little family now, but my neighbours are having me round for Christmas day). I've not put any decorations up yet, and I'm not sure I want to.

 

I've an appointment to see a counsellor on 2nd January. I need to talk to someone, and hopefully help me move forward........I think the grief of my Dad, grief of rejection from her and other family issues have all becomes mixed into this empty feeling.

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Hey Dales.

 

This is the toughest time of year for depression and loneliness. This is NOT you. Its' the time of year talking. So take it easy on yourself a little bit right now. ok?

Definitely see a counselor as often as you need to get thru and to have somebody to talk to. In fact, find any avenue to "find a way to talk to soembody" and just talk - be it a forum like this, be it a chatroom or video chatroom, or a counselor, etc. Just keep talking...

 

In the end, just realize this is a tough time of year - because we all get very reflective this time of year - think about our lvies, the meaning of it, see all these "families" together, etc. It will pass. it always does.

 

Don't contact her again. It's over. Part of the problem with that relationship is that it was setup to fail imediately because you were both on REBOUND - so it was a dual-rebound relationships (you both had broken up very close to when you met and dated). This is the biggest and most painful mistake ALL OF US make in dating. We jump back into the saddle way too early with peopel jumping back into the saddle way too early and it's just a formula for disaster.

 

Always mourn.

Then always heal.

before you try again. Otherwise you go thru what you are going thru now with yet another break-up taht now commpounds the REAL break-up of the relationships before. it's a LOT to deal with and why it's so hard. Make it easier on yourself and don't double-up and compound the mourning going forward by taking time to mourn and heal okay?

 

Do what you can to distarct yourself what with all the great movies coming out, tv shows, parades, sporting events (if you like sports) - and maybe just go peopel watch.

 

Hang in there friend.... and keep talking and finding somebody to talk to (here or elsewhere or with a therapist). There is NO shame in any of that.

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Thank you for your comments thisisrichey.

 

Yep, I've now realised I too was rebounding after the loss of my Dad. I hated how she did things in the last few weeks of relationship, but I realise I have my own issues that probably haven't helped in all of this.

 

I'm scared though, scared I'll always be alone, because I'm frightened of being hurt again. I agree I need to heal, but I'm a year on and feel worse than ever. I can't ever see myself being healed enough that I will meet anyone. I don't like talking to anyone else about this, because most will feel I should have moved on long ago.

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First of all I’m sorry for your pain Dale.

 

There’s a post going right now on the dating board talking about rebounding and why it’s ok and it’s stories like this that make me so against mixing dating with grief.

 

I think you’re probably right and the pain of your breakup was just maginified by the death of your father and I have no doubt it’s so intertwined at this point you couldn’t untanglenit if you tried

 

I’m very sorry but you’re going to be ok! Yes it’s probably best to look into grief counseling.

 

I wish you luck on your journey. For the time being to help maybe surround yourself with loved ones and things you enjoy.

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Hi Dalesboy, I had been wondering how you were doing.

How is the weight loss going? Are you still doing the best with that as you can?

 

Yes, Christmas time can be a tough time for many people. I hope you concentrate on how far you've come though. You have made it through many months of being strong and of doing well with losing weight.

 

You're going to have times where you feel like you've slide back and times where you feel like you're making progress.

This is normal.

You'll get back on your feet again.

 

I believe in you! :)

 

It's good to hear from you again.

 

ps: I'm glad you are going to go see a counselor. It will help.

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Hi Dales,

 

It's good to hear from you despite the struggle....

 

I've worked out that what I have is what's known as Complicated Grief...Perhaps you have it as well. Definitely bring that up with the counselor, it's a bit of a specialized field though unfortunately.

 

In the meantime, here's a video to watch:

 

I also started this thread if you want to drop a note in there: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=555751

 

Hang in there Brother. I miss my exwife terribly still even though she's with someone else now.

 

You are not alone*

 

Carus*

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Thanks for the feedback guys. I should talk more, because I'm feeling better today.

 

*figureitout:

 

Nice to hear from you. I won't even look in that thread you mention, as it will only make me angry. You mention surrounding yourself with loved ones, this isn't entirely easy and is worth me mentioning, as I think this is all connected.

 

I've mentioned my Dad passing away, he was actually my Grandad as I was brought up by my grandparents. I always called my Grandad, Dad because as far as I was concerned, he was my Dad. My Grandma past away from a massive heart attack in 2005 (more on that later).

 

My Mother was 20 when she had me. I was the result of a one night stand and she never wanted the responsibility of bringing me up. She was always kept involved, no family secrets etc. When I was about 11 she got involved with a man who she would eventually marry. He is horrible, never liked our family, obsessive, insecure, a bully....and jealous. He made such big thing to my Mother that I don't call her 'Mum'. This was a decision I made around the age of 9, that I'd just call her by her first name. Him going on at her caused her to have a nervous breakdown in 2001 and 2008.

 

2005 I was on a music course in Italy so out of the UK. While away my mother and her husband came to stay with my grandparents. Her husband threatened my grandparents bringing up the whole 'I don't call her mum'. Her terrified my grandma so much that she had the heart attack that killed her. About 8 years ago, my Mother began having an affair, the guy is ok... I don't have anything against him and he's a far nicer person than her husband..... however I don't like the fact my mother is having an affair. This started when my Dad was ill her coming over, but even my Dad felt it was an excuse so she could just spend time with the other guy.

 

Since my Dad's death, this has carried on however, and I'm left feeling very uncomfortable that they come up to see me, but its never my Mother on her own, it's always with this other man.... and it's frankly getting me down. Her husband blames me for her marriage problems and how I wont have him in my house.....I don't want him in my house, but neither does my Mother who likes coming to visit me....purely I'm sure so she can see the other man(they don't stay with me). I have had anxiety over this, worried if the husband finds out, I'll be involved..... I've already made it clear my mother is on her own on this, I will deny any knowledge etc. It frankly gets me very depressed though....I just want a quiet life with me and my dog. I feel so used by my mother....who never wanted me. I'm sure she's narcissistic, even when I broke down about it in July saying I was so used...I don't think she could see it from my viewpoint. She stayed overnight at the weekend with her 'boyfriend' and I'd said I'd have preferred it just me and her.

 

I'm on my own at Christmas, her husband has said she can't have Christmas with me, but I think it suits her as I'd said I didn't want the boyfriend to come up (he did last Boxing day (26th December), as my relationship was falling apart and the ex was starting to ghost me)....he turned up boxing day at my house, and my mother went to bed with him. I had decided to go out for the day and ended up just driving 100 miles to the coast...before turning round and heading home....I felt so low that day.

 

I know when I met the women that i still have heartache for, there was a feeling that I was making a new family.....and I'm sure I was looking for a relationship for the wrong reasons.

 

I think this whole scenario, DAd's death and missing the ex....are all mixed and messed up.

 

*SherrySher, Great to hear from you! weight loss has stalled, and actually I've put some back on :( I'm focussing again though and once Christmas is gone, I'm determined to be really focused at this. I have to

 

*Carus, Hey mate! Thanks for your kind words....just watching the video, sums up my issues pretty well! Just 5 minutes in so far, watching the rest now!

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Thank you for your comments thisisrichey.

 

Yep, I've now realised I too was rebounding after the loss of my Dad. I hated how she did things in the last few weeks of relationship, but I realise I have my own issues that probably haven't helped in all of this.

 

I'm scared though, scared I'll always be alone, because I'm frightened of being hurt again. I agree I need to heal, but I'm a year on and feel worse than ever. I can't ever see myself being healed enough that I will meet anyone. I don't like talking to anyone else about this, because most will feel I should have moved on long ago.

 

Making internal changes, how you see the world and life - is A VERY TOUGH process.

Strugglign with loss is VERY TOUGH. (i haven't lost a family member yet but i've lost some of my closest/best friends and a gal i was planning a future with... that i had wanted to be with for many years and we finally started that...)

I was also suicidal and depressed for 2-3 years after my only engagement was broken off by my ex-fiancee after 7 yrs together - but that wasn't what put me in depression and made me suicidal, but i won't get into what she did that pushed me to that edge.

 

What I can offer reflecting back on how I survived all that (and then another rock bottom moment about 10 yrs ago) is:

1. Don't worry about progress or measuring it or comparing this ot that or you to somebody else... just leave all taht alone. YOu have ENOUGh to deal with then to make such assessments that - really - in the end dont' matter (i'll explain why in a bit).

2. Lots of people are scared to be alone - but you need to learn that you can NEVER allow yourself to be driven by "alone" - this is the single most thing that forces us to make HORRIBLE decisions and put ourself into BAD situations that then become a circular pathway of degradation of our circumstances.

3. As the saying goes, "try to move a mountain all at once and you'll never be successful - it's physically impossible... but focus on moving a stone at a time and eventually you move the entire mountain..."

 

So how do we get you going in the right direction and make the change successsful? It's great to say what the issues are, but what about the solutions? THIS is how I want you to change your mindset, approach and thinking. STOP dwelling on what the issues are. START focugins your mind and energy on what the solutions are, and how to work them. So here we go.

 

Step 1: mountains and mole hills. Stop looking at everythign ALL AT ONCE all the time. Its impossible and too daunting to try and move mountains. So instead, start chipping away at the issues small piece by small piece. Fix 1 thing today... 1 thing tomororw.. hell.. fix 1 thing this month, 2 things next month. Doesn't matter. Chip away and evntually there will be nothign left to chip away at. Understand?

 

Step 2: Dont' measure progress. Focus on this: all you need to do, is move in the right direction each day (or aspire to) --- doesn't matter how much, or how little. Hell it doesn't even matter if you have some bad days and take a smal step backwards. Just keep aspiring each day, focus each day, on just moving in the right direction no matter how much or little. Because... think of it this way.. As long as you keep goingn in the right direction and keep at it - no matter how fast or slow - you always get to your destination. Nobody has ever FAILED to reach their destination if they always kept going in the right direction.

 

Step 3: Alone is not a bad thing. It is actually a good thing. Want to know why? Because NOBODY is ever going to care about you, love you, and 100% want what's best for you more than YOU DO. I nkow right now that sounds depressing but it's not. It's not that nobody cares about you. It's not that nobody can love you. Its' just that when all is said and done - we all will always ultimately take care of OURSELVES. To survive. WE will want to do what makes ourselves happy, do what's best for OUR career, choose the menu option at the restaurant that WE want at that moment in time because that is what sounds most delicious to US. Imagine.. if you went thru life and let somebody ELSE pick out your clothes every day, pick out exactly what you will eat and when EVERY DAY, etc. Would you feel happy and fulfilled in sucha life? right.. that's impossible! Cuz nobody else will ever get it EXACTLY RIGHT with what you want and awnt to do every day. So this is why ALONE is not a bad thing. You're with the person who will care and love you the most your entire life and be there for you EVERY DAY of your entire life which nobody else int he world will come close to. SO.. one of the best things you can do is enjoy yourself. Spend time with yourself. Hell.. date yourself! Nobody will treat you better than you. So its' not that hard to actually be happy and build a fulfilling life WITH YOURSELF.... (the side angle to this is: if you can't even make YOURSELF happy and enjoy life - what in the world are you doing dating thinking you can make SOMEBODY ELSE happy and fulfilled?)

 

Learn and test how to build a happy, fulfilling, and fun life on yourself first. THEN maybe you can offer that to somebody else.

 

These 3 steps will keep you plenty busy for a while. (and the side angle to this is: if you can do this for yourself and be successful at it - who WOULDN'T want to be with you then? Nobody dates a depressed, can't fix himself, can't inspire himself person... but everybody wants to date a person who has been able to overcome obstacles and is happy and fulfilled and energetic about life).

 

So all these puzzle pieces fit together - whether you realize it or not.

 

Hope i said somethign that helped. hang in there Dale... Sadly, you are not alone. Everybody has been there or been thru this (i went thru it twice).. Trust me when i say it's WORTH the work, dedication, and time it took to get here ... BIG TIME!

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Things have felt better these past few days. So much so I forgot until today that yesterday was a year since we last met.

 

Anyhow, I'm trying to keep positive about seeing the counsellor on the second. Carus that video has really helped me, it's helped to make sense that there is a reason I'm going through what I am.

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Well Christmas Day has been and gone, and I never heard from her. I didn't expect to, but I always felt if I was going to.....it would have been yesterday.

 

I think this is a very positive step to allow me to move on and I can accept now, we will never be in contact with each other again. Perhaps because she never returned my DVDs, it always gave me a lingering hope we would speak again.

 

Genuinely looking forward to seeing the counsellor in a weeks time to help me move on and let the past dictate my future.

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Well Christmas Day has been and gone, and I never heard from her. I didn't expect to, but I always felt if I was going to.....it would have been yesterday.

 

I think this is a very positive step to allow me to move on and I can accept now, we will never be in contact with each other again. Perhaps because she never returned my DVDs, it always gave me a lingering hope we would speak again.

 

Genuinely looking forward to seeing the counsellor in a weeks time to help me move on and let the past dictate my future.

 

Sometimes, that little piece of hope lies with an article of clothing, a piece of jewelry, or in this case, DVD's. It's like we want to believe that they will be back to at the very least, exchange the items. And when this doesn't happen, our hope seems lost with that item.

 

I stupidly left a favorite necklace at a guy's house once when I was much younger, hoping/thinking/praying that he'd contact me to return it. Never saw him, or the necklace, again. I learned from then on, always get my stuff back, and always get theirs back to them, as that is sometimes the only "closure" we get.

 

Do you have good friends you can talk to? Not just friends to grab a drink with, but anyone you can talk to, who can help you understand what you're going through? A deeper connection? While I think that talking to a professional is great, sometimes what we are craving is simply deeper connection....with anyone.

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I stupidly left a favorite necklace at a guy's house once when I was much younger, hoping/thinking/praying that he'd contact me to return it. Never saw him, or the necklace, again. I learned from then on, always get my stuff back, and always get theirs back to them, as that is sometimes the only "closure" we get.

 

Sadly I had no idea things were going to go the way they were. I sent her DVD's back straight away, perhaps as I decided we couldn't stay friends she thought 'tough, I'll keep them'. It doesn't matter now, but yes..it kept a lingering hope there.

 

Do you have good friends you can talk to? Not just friends to grab a drink with, but anyone you can talk to, who can help you understand what you're going through? A deeper connection? While I think that talking to a professional is great, sometimes what we are craving is simply deeper connection....with anyone.

 

I've probably one good friend, but he has enough issues with his terminally ill Dad, and I'm at the point really now where there is only so much friends are prepared to listen. Carus really made a good point regarding the compulsive disorder (I can't remember it's name) how I have latched on to 'her' and won't let her go.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I think there is abandonment issues and bereavement grief all mixed up in this.

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Carus really made a good point regarding the compulsive disorder (I can't remember it's name) how I have latched on to 'her' and won't let her go.

Maybe something about our last partner being the 'Placeholder' for the love that we long for deep inside...?

 

Was it maybe this vid...>

As I mentioned earlier, I think there is abandonment issues and bereavement grief all mixed up in this.

I would say so....also a type of grief called Complicated Grief....That's it for me!

 

There are some vids on YT about it....Might be worth having a look....

 

Keep it movin' Dales* It is a huge mental battle....Fight....!

 

Carus*

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Thanks Carus! Complicated sounds about right! I'll check out some more videos tomorrow.

 

Well today marked the year point of being single. A year ago this morning things had reached such a low point I had to ask her if she still liked me. I'm glad it's a year on....

 

I've actually had a nice day did some modelling (ha not the catwalk type!) and went for a lovely walk with my border collie. It feels good to finally have reached this point....the past has been dictating my future for the past 12 months. I'm hoping this is me putting the past behind me at last. She never contacted me in those 12 months, and at last I think I can say I'm sure I wont be hearing from her again.

I still struggle with anxiety of 'what if I bumped into her'....which is stupid as she leaves 30 miles away.

 

First counselling session on the 2nd.....so we will se where things go.

 

The most positive thing is though.....I've had a really nice Christmas. :)

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Wont deny it, feeling somewhat alone tonight. It's just me and the dog (although she is wonderful company).

The ex keeps crossing my mine, to be expected I guess.... only two days until I see the counsellor....trying to keep positive!

 

For when it arrives, Happy New Year guys....and thanks for listening to my ramblings.

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Your mind has clamped onto your ex....Don't worry, mine did too.....It's slooooowly letting go....

 

In the times you feel strong enough, really start to employ Thought Stopping to start rewiring your brain....

 

Here's a good vid about it ~

 

Unfortunately our brain forms neural pathways and the more we feed them, the stronger they get...until it actually becomes habitual. Damn annoying really :-/

 

It takes real force and effort to turn it around.....But you gotta start somewhere.....

 

A mighty oak does not appear a day after planting the acorn*

 

Ooh, I like that. I just made that up :)

 

Push on Brother. Write down some stuff to take to your session as an hour can go by real quick and you'll want to try and stay focused during it*

 

Definitely ask the counselor if they know much about Complicated Grief.....

 

Carus*

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Your mind has clamped onto your ex....Don't worry, mine did too.....It's slooooowly letting go....

 

In the times you feel strong enough, really start to employ Thought Stopping to start rewiring your brain....

 

Here's a good vid about it ~

 

Unfortunately our brain forms neural pathways and the more we feed them, the stronger they get...until it actually becomes habitual. Damn annoying really :-/

 

It takes real force and effort to turn it around.....But you gotta start somewhere.....

 

A mighty oak does not appear a day after planting the acorn*

 

Ooh, I like that. I just made that up :)

 

Push on Brother. Write down some stuff to take to your session as an hour can go by real quick and you'll want to try and stay focused during it*

 

Definitely ask the counselor if they know much about Complicated Grief.....

 

Carus*

 

Thanks C!

 

Your posts really mean a lot, and give me faith!

Right off to bed, my appointment is at 8.45 tomorrow morning!

 

Thanks again guys.... I'll let you know how it goes.

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No problem Dales*

 

I myself have fallen into the category of "Taking a long time to recover" so I empathize with others in the same boat.

 

Oddly I've seen a few posts recently from people saying it's been 3 years, 4 years, even one that mentioned 10 years!, etc, and they're still not completely over it...

 

Unfortunate but that's how it is for some.

 

But I think at least we're putting in the work and doing what we can so that's not in the future for us*

I'll let you know how it goes.

Please do....

 

Don't expect miracles from one session. Normally 6 is the minimum. But I do hope it helps*

 

Carus*

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Sorry for the later reply Carus.

It was an assessment primarily to see if I qualified for counselling on the NHS. The result is I did, and I now go onto the waiting list.

 

Had a mini break overnight in North Wales, came back this afternoon. It was a lovely break (just me and the dog) and met up with some friends. On the way home on one of the main UK motorways I had a bit of a moment. I overtook a car which was the same as the exes and as I glanced across....there was a single female driver who looked very much like the ex! Probably wasn't but it shook me a bit..... however after some thought, I figured 'so what' and accelerated away.

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Healing only came when I quit talking about it/them.

Granted, venting served a purpose, but it reaches a point where a) nobody wants to hear it and, b) it hurts you.

 

 

^^Taken from another thread but believe it's very relevant here. Posted by bwhite00 who had been struggling and has since moved on from it.

 

Continuing to talk about it, months, years after, only keeps you stuck.

 

Stuck in the past, stuck in the pain. Just STUCK and inhibits healing and moving on.

 

I'm not trying to sound insensitive, I've been through hell and back but after a time, a few months, I stopped talking about it, realizing it was only keeping me stuck.

 

Eventually I stopped thinking about it too, and one year later was over it for the most part and two years later was 100% over it, moved on and met the man who is my current boyfriend, nine months.

 

There is no reason why people should still be pining away after 4-5, 10 years??

 

If that's the case, there is something much deeper going on within, over and above the loss of a relationship.

 

Seek help for that. Take steps to get stronger and learn to help yourself.

 

Best of luck and I'm sorry, and very glad you have made appointment with a qualified professional.

 

((hugs))

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