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Thread: Struggling this Christmas.... appointment made for professional help

  1. #41
    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
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    Just googling and found this. I certainly come under a couple of these.... self worth, etc...

    [Register to see the link]

    I can assure you I've no intention of stalking (as that is one on the list), I don't want to ever see them again.....and my biggest fear is actually seeing her. I'm hoping once I start seeing the counsellor on the 4th March, steps can really be made for me to heal.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    Sorry to post again guys, I was hoping I wouldn't need to.
    Don't ever say sorry again DB* :) I'd like to see you post even when you're feeling good. Maybe try not to associate this forum/thread with all bad. This is your journal, good and bad*
    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    And I felt crap.... felt angry, upset....angry I still feel emotionally attached still and scared that I'm not letting go.
    Well I relate to that....Unfortunately you and I are part of what I'm dubbing the Limerance Club...It's not a great club to be in in our situation....

    { Limerance is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

    The bulk of relationships, however, according to Tennov, are those between a limerent person and a nonlimerent other, i.e. limerent-nonlimerent bonding. These bonds are characterized by unequal reciprocation.

    The course of limerence results in a more intrusive thinking pattern. This thinking pattern is an expectant and often joyous period with the initial focusing on the limerent objectís admirable qualities: crystallization. Then, under appropriate conditions of hope and uncertainty, the limerence intensifies further.

    Fantasies are occasionally dreamed by the one experiencing limerence. Dreams give out strong emotion and happiness when experienced, but often end with despair when the subject awakens. Dreams can reawaken strong feelings toward the limerent object after the feelings have declined.

    Hayes notes that "it is the unobtainable nature of the goal which makes the feeling so powerful", and that it is not uncommon for those to remain in a state of limerence over someone unreachable for months and even years.

    Limerence can be difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it, and it is thus often dismissed by non-limerents as ridiculous fantasy or a construct of romantic fiction(Wikipedia) }

    Limerance can be great if your love is being reciprocated, but can cause a lot of despair and problems when it's not!


    I'm only new to Limerance so I'm still reading about it and unfortunately from what I can see, they say the 'average' time for Limerance to dissipate is 18 months to 3 years! ....it can go on for longer though :-/

    There doesn't seem to be any 'cure' for it if you like, except time and perhaps another love interest...but even then the Limerance can be transferred...

    Check it out on Wiki DB*.

    Unfortunately all the research we do on everything doesn't magically make it all go away, but I think it does help to know you're not alone nor going crazy nor in a totally isolated situation....

    Hope this helps a bit.....keep it movin' Buddy*

    Carus*

    PS: Thanks for that link too*
    Last edited by Carus; 02-17-2019 at 08:31 AM.

  3. #43
    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
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    Carus, I really appreciate your posts. I hadn't heard of Limerance before, but I'm going to go look into it as it sounds to tick many of my boxes.
    My insecurities, low self esteem seem to be all mixed in with this.

    As I've touched on before, I now have little family....I've an uncle who is untrustworthy and my mother...who apart from not wanting me as a child, now uses me as excuse to see the man she is having an affair with.

    I'm really trying to be independent, and not to rely on anyone, because as I've said, my remaining family are useless. However I think I still think of her, because for a short time I felt someone cared about me and I'm desperate to try and find it again.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Yep. Limerance....It's what you and I, and some others, are going through :-/

    And like the article says, non-limerants can't understand it and write it off as not a real thing*
    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    ....and my mother...who apart from not wanting me as a child, now uses me as excuse to see the man she is having an affair with.
    How the hell does that work...??
    Originally Posted by Dalesboy
    However I think I still think of her, because for a short time I felt someone cared about me and I'm desperate to try and find it again.
    Whilst I relate to the first part of that, that desperation will not serve you Brother*

    Carus*

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  6. #45
    Silver Member Dalesboy's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Carus

    How the hell does that work...??
    Carus*
    She tells her husband (who don't get me wrong, is a horrible horrible man who brought on the heart attack killed my grandmother) that she is staying with me. She then stays in the area with her other guy and they see me. What I don't overly like is she likes me in the back ground while phone calls are going on....

    I should rephrase that the previous desperate comment. I'm not desperate....if I was I'd have tried dating again, but as I've said....its not fair on anyone else to have all this baggage dropped on them, let alone I feel completely undatable as a person.

    I'd say it's a longing....rather than desperation.

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