silent treatment or broken up?

Hello,

I feel I am going out of my mind in confusion and could really do with some imput and advice ....

A year ago, whilst still fresh out of a nightmare long term relationship, I started dating a widower...we got on brilliantly but he suddenly went silent after 3 months or so and he eventually told me that this wasn't what he wanted. We didn't speak for two months and slowly, he got back in touch and pursued me...we started back up again in July. He explained that he hadn't felt I was ready back then for a relationship.

This time around, it has been relaxed and much better, with my angst from my previous relationship firmly in my past....and we have had an amazing time together and he has said and done lovely things. It really couldn't have been better and I was falling in love.

Last month, we went on holiday together and out of the blue, we had an argument which I still don't really understand. My ex sent a text about the financial settlement and I responded saying to communicate via my solicitor.....but apparently I should not have responded at all and it made me untrustworthy. For the rest of the holiday, he ignored me and said our relationship was over. It was all done in the blink of an eye.....he also ranted about a 7 minute call I had made to my mum saying it had made us late for dinner.

Finally, on the flight home, he started talking again and convinced me to go home with him...I did and when I left a couple of days later, he said that he hoped we could work this out and we'd be ok........that was a month ago!

For the past month, he has ignored me completely...... I have sent two texts and two emails so I haven't been overboard but there has been absolutely no response!!! Normally I would assume this would be that it's over.......HOWEVER he still has a car of mine, my things, and he has read my emails 58 times!! (he does not know that my email program tells me when the emails are opened)

Please anyone, can you shed some light? I don't know what to do and my head is going to explode! Is this his grief, him thinking things over still, or is it over??!!

My only advice is to not spend any of your previous energy trying to figure him out, obviously he's extremely unstable, he may have commitment issues/fears, who the hell knows, it doesn't matter!

All that matters is how you feel, how his crazy unstable behavior is making you feel which is literally crazy.

So that's your cue to assertively demand your car back, if he refuses contact the police, then block and delete him.

Do not under any circumstances try and "make nice"!

This man is toxic, he will drive you insane if you allow it, by sticking around and/or continuing to take him back whenever he feels the urge, this is on you, your choice.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, best to get out now, while you still have at last some of your senses in tact.

GL!

You should hope it is over, OP. This guy isn't relationship material.

He sounds extraordinarily insecure if he dumped you because your ex contacted you about a legal issue. That is a huge red flag. Do you not see it as such?

I would find someone who doesn't' have a hair-trigger temper and is secure, rational person. He isn't those things, and you need to figure out why you're jumping through hoops trying to win his approval.

In the meantime, you need to get your car back. He can't hold that as ransom, if that's what he's attempting to do. Why does he even have your car to begin with? Can you not go there with your own set of keys and drive it home? If it's parked somewhere that you can't get at, you need to speak to your lawyer about that, too. Follow his or her advice about how to retrieve it. What other belongings of yours does he have?

thank you and i agree with both of you - I think my self esteem took such a battering from the ex that this man seemed to be lovely in comparison. He has convinced me this is all my fault and that my core values don't match up with his. The legal issue was simply the ex and I agreeing on who would have the house ...it was very contentious and I had promised not to respond to the ex if he got in touch, hence why I was told I was untrustworthy. But it was an official text and didn't encourage further interaction.....

My car had to be left in his garage (hence no access) whilst we were away and I was unable to drive it home when I last saw him because of restrictions driving in the city at that time of day...I can't be more specific otherwise it gives quite a lot away in terms of location

My car had to be left in his garage (hence no access) whilst we were away and I was unable to drive it home when I last saw him because of restrictions driving in the city at that time of day...I can't be more specific otherwise it gives quite a lot away in terms of location

Then you need to ask your lawyer what to do here. He cannot keep your property.

Forget him as a relationship candidate. He's not playing with a full deck.

For God's sake! Stop dating this guy. A guy who's unstable and confused and not giving you closure. He's not afraid to lose you rather he's afraid to live alone, I believe.

Leave him and live life on your own terms. Otherwise you'll regret not leaving him first because by the time you'll be madly head over heals in love with him.

Just LEAVE HIM!

Sorry this happened. He sounds like a flaky crazy turd. 💩 Focus not on what he is thinking/up to but solely on getting your property back. Contact your solicitor and send a certified notarized letter detailing specifically what the items are and what time frame you will be there to collect them.

Do it right now and know the laws about how many days it's considered "abandoned property". Stop wasting time sending emails/texts. Bring someone or a couple of friends/male relatives to drive you, help you and for moral support. Check the vehicle before you drive off. Make it quick and businesslike and get the hell out of there with all your property and vehicle..

on the flight home, he started talking again and convinced me to go home with him...I did.......that was a month ago! I have sent two texts and two emails so I haven't been overboard but there has been absolutely no response

Agree with all the others.

The only thing that deserves your focus right now is getting back your things and car.

The guy has repeatedly shown you that he is emotionally unstable.

This guy has such a hair-trigger response which he instills via silent treatments.

I don’t want to use the word “abuse”, but if it walks like a duck.

Get the car back. Get the police involved if he won’t surrender it at once.

After you retrieve your car and other things, never speak to him again.

This is the 3rd time I’ve written this phrase on ENA on as many days:

Bullet. Dodged.

Yes. Bring your copy of the certified letter you sent (which you will cc to your lawyer) and bring your licence, registration and very important...the title of vehicle ownership. If there is any drama, call the cops asap and have your paperwork ready.

Get the police involved if he won’t surrender it at once.

I'm sorry OP, but whatever the very bad situation was with your ex, the harsh reality is that you jumped in with yet another crazy, abusive, controlling psycho....and you don't seem to be able to recognize these men early on or even once they start showing you their crazy for who they actually are. To put it simply, your picker is completely broken.

Contact your lawyer and get legal advice on how to retrieve your car and your belongings from this man. After you do so, stay far far away from him and from dating at large. Take a long break and do some real soul searching and work on yourself figuring what attracts you to these types of men. Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern. Remember that.

This guy is just as messed up as your ex. You ignored red flags with both men.

You should have been done after the first time he ghosted you. You seem to have a pattern of choosing bad men. You are the common denominator,

You need to go over to his home to get your stuff, then block and delete this jerk.

Just throwing this out there as an aside, so that you see this red flag in the future....

Any grown man who tells you you’re not allowed to respond to an ex’s texts (or anyone’s) is a man who doesn’t think you’re intelligent enough to handle making your own decisions. That ALONE should have been enough to dump this guy. Good men do not give you rules to follow.

Yes, make sure you have your paperwork in order. Do not just show up and get arrested for trespassing. Do this right, do this once. If there is no reply to your certified letter requesting a timely mutually convenient time to retrieve your property, have your attorney call him and/or send a letter. When dealing with unstable volatile people do things right and don't play games or get your ego or heart involved.

if it's NOT over.. YOU should end it yourself.

you do not want to continue this.

as for the legal matters - be very legal about it and yes use a lawyer.. bring all paperwork. no "breaks" b/c you still have feelings for him. Taht's completely separate to the legal matters. so dont' let him use that against you and guilt you into giving him consideration for the legal dispute.

I'd ask for a police escort to collect my things, and if that fails, I'd take him to small claims court. Beyond that, I'd be the one wanting nothing to do with him.

Dude is nuts. His wife escaped him by dying, you're lucky you can do that without dying. As this relationship goes forward he will be more and more controlling and willing to drop you for the most minor issue. You don't need that kind of instability making you pay for a therapist. Drop this guy and move on. Call the cops, get your proof and get your stuff back. Have him re read your e-mails for 100 times more while you date someone else. Some people just become nuts, it happens. You're not going to be able to fix him unless he wants to be fixed and right now it doesn't seem like he's working on it.