How can I hurt someone so nice

I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months now but I still don’t feel like I’m in love or falling in love with my boyfriend. Our conversations don’t go very deep it’s usually just about family and friends and their lives. I love having deep conversations and I want to be able to talk to the person until the cows come home. The thing is the guy is such a decent guy and he will do anything for me. He even took me to Paris for my birthday, he holds the car door open for me and is such a gentleman but I just can’t bring myself to love him. Our relationship also lacks intimacy..I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t want to be stuck in a loveless relationship and marry someone I don’t love. But I am terrified if I let him go I won’t find someone that cares for me just as much or find anyone at all.

Don't string people along just because they are nice or generous. Don't use people because you fear being alone. There is no chemistry or connection here according to you, so why lead him on?

I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months now but I still don’t feel like I’m in love or falling in love with my boyfriend. the guy is such a decent guy and he will do anything for me. He even took me to Paris for my birthday.

 

Our relationship also lacks intimacy..I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t want to be stuck in a loveless relationship and marry someone I don’t love. But I am terrified if I let him go I won’t find someone that cares for me just as much or find anyone at all.

Do you think this guy would want to be with you if he saw what you posted here? That you're settling? You're preventing him from being with a girl who is crazy about him. And as for you, I'm assuming you have 60 years or more left on the planet. Do you really not think you'd meet someone who'd meet all of your major needs in this time? Yes, dating takes a lot of work, but if you do it right, you will eventually get good results. After my divorce, I had to go on dates with about 30 men over 2 and a half years before finding my future husband. I made some mistakes, but I learned to cut off men who I didn't have chemistry with and didn't share my life goals.

A new year is approaching so it's a great time to make the changes that are best for you and to start anew. Good luck.

define "deep conversations".... (have you tried introducing a "deep conversational topic" and how did he react?)

ah yes.. the good ol' "great guy.. can't fall in love.." coupled with "what if i can't find anythign better?" synrdome. happens all the time. So let me ask this: tell us some negative things that have occurred between you too - not just the good things. My theory now is that what truly tells you what you have or dont' have with somebody is how the BAD TIMES go - not how the good times go. Anyhbody is great during the good times. Everybody seems like a good candidate for lifetime mates during the GOOD times. It's easy to look like a hero during the GOOD times.

what differentiates each relationship is the BAD TIMES and thus that's where i focus.

So tell me about your "bad times" and how those go and I"ll repond with final thoughts.

You don't stay with someone because they are nice or do nice things. Certainly that would be a good standard if you adopted a puppy. You want someone who is inspired to have the kind of conversations you consider deep. He is not that person. He is nice so he might try to please you by having those conversations and I think it will feel forced. Please don't settle so you won't feel "alone" - you will feel far more alone if you settle I promise. Because while everyone is celebrating your engagement and wedding plans you will feel very alone because you won't be able to tell people you are just not feeling it. I've been there. In fact shocking as it sounds I married someone who was too nice the first time around we dated. The second time around he'd developed confidence and a backbone and was no longer the yes man, no longer had the potential to be a doormat. And yes he took me to Paris back then too. And yes I was afraid to end it and be "alone". But 8 years later we reconnected and we've been married for 10 years now. And happy. I did not settle at all and I would have settled back then. Oh and I was really lucky because we had an amicable breakup the first time around and that helped us get back together (because no horrible history/baggage).

Chemistry is essential to a romantic relationship. And the spark might ebb and flow but when it ebbs you still feel secure because you know why you are with the person and you know how to revive the spark. If there never was a strong spark/chemistry you can't force it, even if tonight he decides to have a deep conversation to your liking.

(I love deep conversations too. A lot. But what I love just as much and sometimes more are all those inside jokes that you laugh about just with saying one word or maybe three words -and how you add to those inside jokes the longer you are together).

Thank you Andrina I truely appreciate your advice! Thank you for wishing me luck! I know what I have to do but It’s gna kill me to hurt him! But I know I’m hurting him more just by staying in it for the sake of it! You taking out the time to reply means a lot to me! Also I’m happy that you finally met someone even after the 30 men (that’s scared me a little reading that I won’t lie lol) but you got there in the end! You persevered and you got your happiness! So proud of you!

Thisisrichey - being honest we haven’t had bad times, not even one fight! I jus don’t feel happy and in love with him..despite him being such a kind person.

Thisisrichey - being honest we haven’t had bad times, not even one fight! I jus don’t feel happy and in love with him..despite him being such a kind person.

Is that the standard "I'm excited to marry you because we have never argued and you are very kind so it doesn't matter that I don't feel happy and in love with you". If you want someone who is kind and doesn't fight get a puppy. If you want a husband find someone where you have good chemistry, that spark, and where there is kindness, compassion and caring from a position of confidence -seems to me if he is doing all these things for you he doesn't like himself enough because he must be able to tell that you're not that into him in that way. And then it's a vicious cycle -he keeps being kind despite your distance and coldness and that is a turn off and makes you less desiring of him.

@Batya33 - you guys are right as I know what I have to do..I knew why I had to do but I is needed some assurance I guess! Breaking up with someone isn’t as bad as givin them false hope n makin them unhappy in the future! I’ll do the right thing as much as it won’t be easy it’s the right thing! That’s for all the assurance and guidance! I appreciate it! Now wish me luck for the next step! Turned the page to the next chapter is never easy but I’m gna hav to look at it like a new adventure

All the best of luck. I have been there and no it's not easier just because you are the one ending it. But I promise you will not regret it.

Let him go.

One more question, it’s so annoying I realised this so close to Christmas coz I feel god awful for doing this now. But would you say before or after Christmas? I know it has to be before the new year. The thing is I’m meant to be meeting him this Saturday and this poor boy has no clue although I have distanced over the last couple of days but he thinks it’s jus due to me feeling down for other reasons. I didn’t realise myself until Saturday it was due to the pressure of trying to love him that I have been on such a downer recently! For a good few months. He has an interview for a job Thursday so I’m trying not to say anything before that. Not sure when to do it and how to giv him a heads up it’s coming. Any advice guys...

Yes after the interview and before Christmas. You ultimately are doing him a favor -he will be snapped up by a woman who is really into him and feels that spark - and he deserves that based on all you wrote.