I looked up his ex & now he wants nothing to do with me. (Essay sorry)

So I had been seeing this guy for a good few months, everything I could want in him funny and very kind and we got on like a house on fire. Long distance but we talked almost everyday via text or calling.

Anyway the other night I went home after I had a few too many drinks and looked up his ex on a social media site must have clicked on something which notified her. I woke to an angry message saying 'You checked on my ex' instantly my heart stopped as I knew I had done wrong and I'm not sure why I did it.

Now he's told me that he doesn't want anything to do with me despite me apologising numerous of times and explaining that I know I've done wrong. He's so mad at me and keeps telling me that I made his ex contact him. I can't see a way around this and he's telling me I'm really nice but we'll never work due to distance and this. Before distance was never an issue and less than 2 weeks ago he was telling me that distance was ok with him which made me feel the same.

I'm absolutely devastated about it as I felt we had an amazing connection which I've never experienced before & I've thrown it all away just because of one mistake. This is our first fall out & by the looks of it the last! I haven't eaten since this happened and I've hardly slept as I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to keep bombarding him with messages but I'm trying so hard to let him know I'm sorry about what I've done but he's not having any of it and tells me that he's never looked up someone's ex.

I've spoken to a few friends about this and all of them have admitted they've looked up a bf or guy they're seeings ex. I can completely understand that he's angry as I've dragged up his past. But I do feel like he's punishing me a bit too much at the moment by ignoring me. Which is driving me insane and making me feel really down right now, I can be quite insecure at times and more when it comes to her as she's absolutely stunning and felt I didnt match up to that. I'm not good with feelings or attachment in the slightest and it's definitely showing at the moment! But the last 6+ months or so have been the best as I've never felt so happy and now it's come crashing down on me and I'm feeling at my lowest. Any advice would be really appreciated right now.

Have you ever met him in person?

Anyhow, this is how I see it.

You embarrassed him.

His ex found out you were looking at her. (not even sure how) but now he has to explain to an ex why some girl was creeping on her.

That would be humiliating to anyone as now it makes you look bad. Like, he is involved with some girl who ran to go look at the ex and the ex is no doubt looking down at him now like he's got bad judgement on who he is with.

It sounds like he had his doubts already with it being long distance but now you've given him a huge reason to run the other way. He's embarrassed and now his ex is looking down her nose at him, so all he can do to fix this is get rid of you.

As for you, I can understand on some level that you were curious, but I am not really sure why he'd give you her details anyhow.

Even if he did, why would it matter?

You made a mistake and it wasn't a good one because now he's got more than enough reason to not continue.

You also have to realize too though that if this guy cared about you like you do him and if he saw this as something serious and once in a lifetime, he wouldn't be dropping you so fast.

He would realize that it was a mistake but he'd forgive you and block the ex.

(Although I still think you made a bad judgement in bothering with her at all).

But he dropped you as quick as possible, that to me says that he wasn't as invested as you were and didn't care as deeply as you did.

Last factor that makes this bad, if you've not met yet, you don't really have a connection. Yes I know online can seem like a huge deal but I promise you it's no where near the same as real life.

You might not have even liked each other in real life.

The whole dynamic is completely different.

With you being long distance too, you have to consider that if you did meet in person and got on, that then you'd have the issue of moving or him moving and everything that it would take for that as well.

It takes a lot for long distance to work and he was telling you the truth when he said it was too much to continue.

I think the best thing you can do is to just accept that this isn't going to happen and to find someone closer to where you are.

I’m gonna call BS.

His reaction I mean.

It would be like me not wanting to go to a party so when my friend asks if I’m going to wear those shoes I fall on the floor in agony saying I could never forgive her so I’m not going. His extreme reaction just screams there’s more going on.

Plus in what capacity are you learning who his ex is to the point that you’re insecure? It’s not really normal for an ex to be such a main subject and in what capacity is his ex aware of who you are? Again not normal ya know? It just reeks of game playing and unfortunately you seem to have went into this with your heart wide open so of course you’re left confused and blaming yourself.

Think about it, if the shoe were on the other foot what would your reaction be? Me personally, first off, I’d be surprised they figured out who my exes were because it’s not information given out when you’re dating, I’d maybe be annoyed or maybe angry depending on our relationship history, I mean are you territorial do you act jealous? If so I guess I could understand his extreme reaction but again, things just don’t seem as butterflies and rainbows as you’re describing

Stop contacting him. Completely. Go no contact. Get yourself some space, communicating with him right now is doing more harm than good. Take things one day at a time. Take a breather you may see your role and his a bit more clearly.

If the ex is so trigger-happy with the contact, and he's so triggered by her contact, then those two have not finished their old business, and the guy isn't really dating material. If it wasn't this, it would be something else, including whatever he spoke about that prompted you to look up his ex.

I will make that point again as well, he did end things way too quickly for anyone to think he was in this like you were.

Maybe he had other reasons too as to why he wanted it done and used it as an excuse.

Either way, I think it's best if you accepted it and found a way to move on.

Find someone who lives closer to where you are.

My ex was in my lap top looking for something ( to long-a-story ) while I was at work , he had my permission . He came across a forum and looked in , it must of automatically logged me in . Anyway me ex ex was an admin in there and saw * me * log in . My ex quickly logged me out and moved on with his search . When I got in from work , I got an email from my ex ex , who was already the most smug creature you could ever meet , saying something like *I Knew you couldn't resist popping in and seeing me , watching what I am doing etc etc * ewwww I was livid truly . I didn't end things with my ex , we were well on the way to planning a house move together by this point ...but it ruffled me for a few days that some sort of stalky behaviour had happened , and all while I was at work .

All you can do is walk away and accept it , if he calms down he may reach out ...but you mustn't hang onto that . Sorry you are suffering and no you are not the only person in the world to look up an ex x

Gonna basically second and third what others are saying: total BS here.

Um, last I checked it's 2018. Everyone, or at least a lot of people, do some tipsy ex searching on social media. It's not super cool behavior, but you know what's even less cool? Dropping someone the second you hear about it.

For reference: I was seeing someone not long ago. Casually, playfully, she mentioned checking out my ex (two, in fact) on social media. It's easy enough. Scroll down my feed a bit, and there they are, a dumb wormhole awaiting anyone who wants to explore. My reaction? I was a third flattered, a third surprised, a third whatever. I'd seen her ex on hers, as well as her ex-husband. Time it took me to conduct that detective work? Maybe 30 seconds. This is the age we live in.

I'm sorry you're hurt, but go easy on yourself. His reaction is telling, and, like catfeeder said, I'd see this all as a big red flag you were lucky to spot now—the one that lets you know that he and his ex have some unfinished business, a live charge between them, something. Because this is all itty bitty potatoes that only become big potatoes if there are unresolved issues.

Yeah I've met him in person just didn't see him often due to long distance. We hung out loads at the start of the year but due to job commitments we didn't get much time together by the end. But we instantly clicked the moment we met and had some really good times maybe I'm just holding onto that.

He probably thinks I'm crazy now anyway but I just hate not getting answers. My ex openly admits he looks at my social media pages but I've never flown off the handle like that I just laugh it off.

He's only mentioned his ex a few times in our conversations like I have with mine but he's always ended things well with them unlike my break ups which always seem to be hideous.

But the whole dropping me thing like that when he's the one that was pushing for long distance and telling me everyday how much he liked me etc. My last relationship was extremely toxic and when I met this one it felt like a breath of fresh air.

I think this guy was looking for a way out anyway, OP.

I imagine he's not thrilled you were looking at his ex, but I suspect he had other reasons to end it and this was just a way to turn it around on you. You mentioned you hung out a lot at the beginning of the year - have you two just been "seeing each other" all this time? It had never gone further?

We've just been seeing how it goes, I saw him not long ago went to visit and we had the best time. He'd been on about catching up again soon and he brought it up a lot more recently.

I asked him if there was more too it regarding this other person and his reply was I've told you everything!

Like I know I've done wrong but I'd understand his reaction if I did something really terrible.

We've just been seeing how it goes.

Since the beginning of the year?

Or has it not been that long?

Yeah since the beginning of the year

His reaction is totally ott.

I let it slip that I'd stalked this guys ex on social media - told him that she looked like a total - thought he would get offended but he actually surprised me by saying I'd managed to sum her up pretty accurately.

Like everyone else says, it's 2018 and everyone has looked up someones ex. Takes ten seconds. You haven't done anything wrong and this guy is just a to give you so much grief about it.

Are you sure it was an "ex" gf?

Long distance but we talked almost everyday via text or calling.

 

I woke to an angry message saying 'You checked on my ex'. He's so mad at me and keeps telling me that I made his ex contact him.

100% an ex gf

He's not over her and obviously they communicate regularly and she's local, right? As you can see, one word from her and he dropped you like a hot rock. Forget this guy and date locally.

100% an ex gf

No she's not local either. I asked him to be honest about her yesterday and his response was I've told you everything. So confused right now.

How did his ex know who you are?

Anyway the other night I went home after I had a few too many drinks and looked up his ex on a social media site must have clicked on something which notified her. I woke to an angry message saying 'You checked on my ex' instantly my heart stopped as I knew I had done wrong and I'm not sure why I did it.

 

Now he's told me that he doesn't want anything to do with me despite me apologising numerous of times and explaining that I know I've done wrong. He's so mad at me and keeps telling me that I made his ex contact him.

I'm not exactly sure, I do have pics on Instagram of us unless she looked on there after I accidentally clicked something on her page. And we only have 2 mutual friends on fb & there's only one photo of us together on my profile. And I doubt one of our mutual friends told her.

Something is not right. Even if she did find out herself, why would she tell him about it? I can't imagine contacting an ex to complain that his new gf has been checking my page. It's not like you talked to her.

I think you don't know the whole story about that relationship.

Something is not right. Even if she did find out herself, why would she tell him about it? I can't imagine contacting an ex to complain that his new gf has been checking my page. It's not like you talked to her.

 

I think you don't know the whole story about that relationship.

I'm wondering that, too.

Why haven't you two made things official yet, OP? You've been "seeing how it goes" for a year, which seems like plenty of time to know how it's going. Is that more because he is hesitating, or is it you?

I know I'm thinking the same. My ex's gf used to look at my social media, I did find it odd but then I just laughed it off.

Because the plan was to spend a bit more time together by the end of this year and then take it from there but it obviously never happened :( Both of us have admitted we're not very good when it comes to these things. But like I said earlier only a couple of weeks ago he was mentioning all these plans for us. I'm getting absolutely nothing from him now & that's the most stressful thing because I just want answers and closure but I'm not going to get it.

Because the plan was to spend a bit more time together by the end of this year and then take it from there but it obviously never happened :( Both of us have admitted we're not very good when it comes to these things. But like I said earlier only a couple of weeks ago he was mentioning all these plans for us. I'm getting absolutely nothing from him now & that's the most stressful thing because I just want answers and closure but I'm not going to get it.

I'm sorry. It's very frustrating and you're right that you probably won't get the answers you're looking for.

My gut would be telling me that he and his ex are still very much in contact, and you unwittingly blew his cover. She put two and two together and called him out. I very strongly doubt they have been no contact given how badly he reacted.