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Girlfriend has too much trust in me


jakeatl

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As the title states - I go clubbing, she's 100% fine with it. She goes clubbing, it's a different story.

 

If she were to go out with her girl friends, I would feel quite anxious throughout the night while worrying about guys looking her up like a piece of meat while her ego increases. It's hard for me to send messages to her and say "Have a good time! :) xx", I usually turn my phone off and distract myself or evidently be slightly anxious in my texts to her. Whereas when I go out with my friends she's completely fine and texts me as though she doesn't give a care in the world. She always tells me she's fine with me going out and in my head I'm saying - 'No, please don't be - I want you to feel like I do so that I know you care'.

 

Here are the reasons why I get anxious:

 

As a guy, all we wear while clubbing are shirts, trousers, chinos, jeans etc. You name it. Girls can wear skirts, shorts, low cut tops, all the clothing that's 'revealing' under the sun.

If I was a girl, I wouldn't really worry about my boyfriend going clubbing because society has not 'sexualised' men as such, and women (going very generally here) aren't very assertive whereas men are.

 

I tend to go clubbing with my girlfriend most of the time and whenever I do guys always try something with her or wolf whistle her while she's looking great. That kinda puts my mind in a state of anxiousness but I know I should take it with a pinch of salt and just be proud of having her as my girlfriend. This means that I know she'd be getting those things when I'm not there AND MORE because she's not with a guy.

 

I know some of you may just say "Chill out man, she's yours, take a breath" - but it's harder for someone with anxiety to just 'be chill' about it.

 

We have a really great relationship, there's a lot of trust. This is not about me not trusting her, I do. I don't trust other people.

 

I'd like to know how I can make her show me she may be worried or at least show she cares about me being in a 'meat-feast' when I go clubbing.

 

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

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You can't "make" her do anything.

 

I don't understand...you WANT her to be anxious, suspicious and jealous? Possessive? Do you think if she acted like you want her to it would mean she really, truly loves you? And since she doesn't, it means she loves you less than you love her?

 

And it BOTHERS you that she trusts completely in your love for her?

 

Do you want a "drama" relationship?

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This is unhealthy. You want to control her to feel what she doesn't feel and somehow you think if she showed she was insecure that would mean she cared. Nope. It would mean that she was insecure. If you trust her you trust her. The end. It doesn't matter if you trust other people. Also if you're both going clubbing then you've decided as a couple you're fine with the other person going clubbing alone. Certainly people in a committed relationship shouldn't intentionally put themselves in situations where they are leading people on - like a man sharing a hotel room with a woman he is not related to and telling his girlfriend "don't worry nothing will happen" or a woman accepting a dinner invitation from a man she is not related to to go to a romantic restaurant on a Saturday night -that just gives the wrong impression and is inconsistent with being in an LTR (at least to me, these are just examples).

 

Also all you two have promised is not to date or look to date others right? Big deal if she checks out another guy (not right in front of you, that would be rude) or if a guy checks her out. You're already fine with going clubbing, clubbing can be focused on physical appearance among people who often are drunk so of course people are going to choose to flirt more, etc.

 

You can't make her show you anything. You can control yourself -so control your reaction to feeling like she doesn't care. Feel what you feel and react by choosing to react in a healthful way

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This is why I use this website - I needed someone else's view on it because I'm so wrapped up in my own thoughts. You're right, I know it doesn't show they love me if they react the way I am. I'm just an insecure person in a relationship I guess. I don't feel insecure about myself though. Any tips on overcoming this?

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The anxiety comes not from how she can 'escape from a dangerous situation', but from what others do in that situation. It's weird. I trust her but I don't trust other people and that makes me anxious. And since she's a girl, I know what men are like.

 

...

 

So those men are like what?

 

Sounds like you’re saying they could do something to her?

 

Sounds... I don’t know.... dangerous?

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That was where my post was going originally, but from the quick responses, my overthinking kind of dampened by what was said and I came to the realization that what I was thinking and wanting was actually ridiculous. I guess wanting her to feel something that I'm feeling is pretty selfish... I think this problem only comes from my insecurity of the relationship which is what I said up there.

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Here's the thing you don't realize. Jealousy, insecurity and possessiveness are NOT positive qualities. Feeling jealous and possessive does NOT "show you care" for someone. It shows that you're emotionally immature and have difficulty handling your partners indepenance.

 

It seems like you're already aware that these are unhealthy aspects of your personality and instead of working to figure out how to change them, you want her to be equally unhealthy to....level the playing field?

 

Not cool dude.

 

The reason she is "not worried" is because she trusts you. Period.

 

You wanna worry about something when it comes to her going out? Worry about the things she worries about such as a guy not taking "no" for an answer, or something being put in her drink.

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Yeah, you're right if you put it like that. The anxiety comes from a few other things also, but those other reasons are just me being insecure.

 

What are the other reasons?

 

Has your girlfriend handled herself in a way or behaved in a way that makes you uncomfortable?

 

That's all that really matters. It's not about male or female.

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What are the other reasons?

 

Has your girlfriend handled herself in a way or behaved in a way that makes you uncomfortable?

 

It's all a bit silly really. It's just the way she dresses up when going clubbing sometimes. I understand that girls do it to feel good about themselves, I totally understand that. But aside from that, why else would she want to appear that way for the viewing pleasure of other people? She's told me in the past it's not like that at all, and I believe her. Just my brain doesn't connect the dots very well. She puts more makeup on when going clubbing than she does casually, and that's just what the majority of girls do. She also says she does that to make her feel good about herself, but I don't understand because it's all fake? She's making herself feel confident about being someone she's not, while making everyone think she's that attractive when in reality she looks entirely different without makeup on, of which I prefer - but it's not about what I prefer.

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Shouldn't the title be "Don't trust my gf because of my jealousy and insecurity"?

 

No, I do trust my girlfriend. I really do - And I know if I trust her it should be the end of it. But I still get anxiety over things like that even though I know in my head that she won't do anything because she's the sweetest person alive. I don't trust other people and I can't stand it when guys try things with her, especially when I'm in the area. That's what gives me anxiety. So the title should be something like: "I trust my girlfriend, but I still get anxiety and feelings of insecurity"

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No, I do trust my girlfriend. I really do - And I know if I trust her it should be the end of it. But I still get anxiety over things like that even though I know in my head that she won't do anything because she's the sweetest person alive. I don't trust other people and I can't stand it when guys try things with her, especially when I'm in the area. That's what gives me anxiety. So the title should be something like: "I trust my girlfriend, but I still get anxiety and feelings of insecurity"

 

Just because she is the sweetest person alive doesn't mean that she will choose to act appropriately and consistently with your commitment. In addition to being sweet, is she a confident, intelligent person who has common sense and character and integrity? It's sweet of course that you think she is so sweet and I hear that you think she can't hold her own in situations where other people might try to lead her astray. Other people can do whatever -all that matters is that you trust her to react appropriately. She's not going to act appropriately out of "sweetness" but because she chooses not to react to other mens' advances for whatever reason.

 

Yes, work on how you react to feeling anxious or insecure. Be careful not to subject her to those feelings -it's annoying and often a huge turn off.

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Sorry to say but some of this thinking is not about "anxiety" but a controlling, possessive and jealous nature. Also playing games such as "she should worry" etc is very troubling. Stop worrying about what you can "make her do" and start worrying if you have some abusive tendencies or are just inexperienced/immature. Talk to a campus therapist about some of these troubling, insecure and controlling thoughts. This has nothing to do with her outfits.

how I can make her show me she may be worried or at least show she cares about me being in a 'meat-feast' when I go clubbing
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you're lying to yourself.

 

if you TRUST her, then you don't have to worry about everybody else. So let that one go and stop justifying your jealousy with twisted words like that. You either TRUST her or you don't. If you do, doens't matter everybody else.

As far as you "needing" her to show anxiousness and jealousy towards you when you go clubbing - let that one go too. Taht is an unhealthy thought and doens't belong in a healthy relationship.

 

See.. she TRUSTS you. Doesn't matter what anybody else tries if she knows you're trustworthy right? You need to be more like her - secure in yourself, secure in your relationship. If you are not then you need to figure out why and resolve it, talk about it with her if you must to resolve it. But RESOLVE it or you'll lose her. (Nobody stays with a jealous partner. No relationship where jealousy exists lasts. NO relationship where jealousy exists or the need / want for a partner to be jealous - can ever be healthy or fulfilling).

 

But you don't need to listen to me to undrstand that - just look at how unfulfilled you are feelign in this relationsihp and how unhealthy you are feeling about it just because OF YOUR jealousy... Point proven.

 

Identify why.

Resolve it.

ASAP

If you want to keep her.

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