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Thread: Single and anxious

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How are you trying to find love besides "working on yourself"? Are you involved in clubs, groups, classes, courses, volunteering or other real life avenues for meeting people?. Do you have a well written profile and good recent pics on some better quality (paid) dating apps? Do you have a system/strategy for online dating such as browse the apps, message those who are interesting, meet asap to determine things the go from there to either rule them out or shoot for a second date?

    As long as you have all this untreated anxiety and these cognitive distortions, ruminations, obsessions, etc and preconceived notions (all men just swipe for the thinnest, most beautiful and only want sex blah blah), dating... no less a relationship will be rather difficult and self defeating.

    It seems you would like to believe that finding a man/relationship will solve all your problems. However dating and relationships are not going to address any self esteem or anxiety issues. In fact it's the other way around. One you address these things, you'll feel better in general and dating/finding love will be more within reach.
    Originally Posted by Shannon1235
    The perfectionist mindset I think was partly why I struggled so much with food and dieting for a few years in my late 20s. ..Iím an anxious person by nature so need to try curtail all the negative thoughts surrounding single life.

  2. #22
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Shannon1235
    Yes I actually have gone through bouts of obsessive compulsive thoughts when I was younger, without the compulsive behaviors. I went for cbt and it really helped me deal with anxiety as I didnít even realize before this that as Humans we canít control our thoughts and the more we try to the more intense they become. I also try to remind myself that a lot of thoughts arenít factual but can be made up stories that have no truth behind them. Thatís what I am trying to do at the moment re my anxiety with being alone. I met a friend today who is no longer single and although happy for her I felt jealous. This isnít something I used to feel a few years ago but I think itís a result of how anxious Iíve become about it all. Good for u working through your ocd.. 🙏👍🏻
    It is very unstandable.

    My cosuin announced her pregnancy to her best friend. Her best friend broke down and began to cry and was like "when will it be my turn?" As she had been trying for a long time.

    She wasn't jealous and incredibly happy for her. But obviously just hit home it hasn't happened for her. Kinda like what happened with you and your friend.

    Thank you :)

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Jellybean9
    It is very unstandable.

    My cosuin announced her pregnancy to her best friend. Her best friend broke down and began to cry and was like "when will it be my turn?" As she had been trying for a long time.

    She wasn't jealous and incredibly happy for her. But obviously just hit home it hasn't happened for her. Kinda like what happened with you and your friend.

    Thank you :)
    Yes I agree. Please don't beat yourself up about feeling envious. Facebook makes it harder too. I didn't have to deal with that back then - or even emails until the mid-late 1990s when I was already in my 30s. My sister had 4 children, most while I was in my 20s and yes I felt jealous. It's normal. When it was my turn I did my best to be sensitive to other peoples' feelings and I wasn't always treated appropriately so there's that too. And I hated the bridal and baby showers because I find them boring so I avoided them whenever possible (plus all the comments about those of us who were single - like that Sex and the City episode!!) - I had no showers nor did I want any - not compatible with my values. It really is in your face when the person posts on Facebook plus has endless parties surrounding the wedding, the birth the "gender reveal" etc. Please give yourself permission to feel what you feel. I can't imagine how it would have been for me to endure social media back then.

  4. #24
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes I agree. Please don't beat yourself up about feeling envious. Facebook makes it harder too. I didn't have to deal with that back then - or even emails until the mid-late 1990s when I was already in my 30s. My sister had 4 children, most while I was in my 20s and yes I felt jealous. It's normal. When it was my turn I did my best to be sensitive to other peoples' feelings and I wasn't always treated appropriately so there's that too. And I hated the bridal and baby showers because I find them boring so I avoided them whenever possible (plus all the comments about those of us who were single - like that Sex and the City episode!!) - I had no showers nor did I want any - not compatible with my values. It really is in your face when the person posts on Facebook plus has endless parties surrounding the wedding, the birth the "gender reveal" etc. Please give yourself permission to feel what you feel. I can't imagine how it would have been for me to endure social media back then.
    I can totally relate to this. A lot of university friends who are getting married and having babies I have muted their stories. May seem harsh but I don't need reminding that despite them being my age I'm not there at my life stage.

    You are so right. You have to allow yourself to feel.

    A lot of people are not sensitive of other people's feelings.

    I remember a group of friends was talking about life at University and one friend hadn't gone to uni she made a comment. Following that I have always tried to be sensitive of those who have not shared that lifestyle or in that stage of life.

    Jealously is a very natural feeling and we all feel if from time to time like my friend did. Not everyone choses to be considerate. So that's why I mute people's feeds lol

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  6. #25
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    @wisemen no I have worked hard to overcome anxiety etc. To the most part I have done quite well. I think it is natural though to start feeling anxious as a woman when the biological clock starts to tick and in a society which indulges in social media it can be hard not to compare yourself to peers. I am involved in clubs and have developed a lot of interests. I have no doubt that happiness comes first outside of a relationship as I stated above, hence why I took a few years to really focus on building that. I suppose I just become disillusioned by the dating scene as I do feel ready to date but it hasnít happened so far.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Shannon1235
    @wisemen no I have worked hard to overcome anxiety etc. To the most part I have done quite well. I think it is natural though to start feeling anxious as a woman when the biological clock starts to tick and in a society which indulges in social media it can be hard not to compare yourself to peers. I am involved in clubs and have developed a lot of interests. I have no doubt that happiness comes first outside of a relationship as I stated above, hence why I took a few years to really focus on building that. I suppose I just become disillusioned by the dating scene as I do feel ready to date but it hasnít happened so far.
    I would do my utmost to not give in to the temptation to blame "society" or "social media". I love/hate social media. I got pregnant and tried to get pregnant before being on social media. I avoided googling about my pregnancy or posting about symptoms on pregnancy message boards despite society's focus on googling and letting it all hang out there. A number of my friends ages 30s and up have taken loooong breaks from social media etc because of the downside of it. I compared myself to peers plenty -promise -without any social media and far before email and the internet. If you go down this path of blaming society and social media it will be even harder when you are trying to conceive or a parent.

    I felt very anxious about my biological clock especially since my mother and sister had trouble conceiving. I get it. I believe that if your goal is marriage and family don't tell yourself all the lies about "happiness comes first outside of a relationship." I mean, sure, you need to be a positive person with a fun, fulfilling life outside of a relationship whether you are married, single, partnered, whatever. But no I don't buy this whole "I will not be ready for marriage until I am truly happy being on my own and truly accept that I can have full happiness without marriage and family." Some people will and can but no it's not essential.

    The honest and simple truth is no I would not have been completely happy without being married in a loving marriage and without the opportunity to try to have a baby. I just don't get all this "rah rah rah you have to be happy being single" that I hear is said to women of a certain age. Would I have been miserable. Nope. Not even close. But "happiness?" Without reaching my life goals? Nope. There are no guarantees you will find someone but be proactive - dating isn't about 'hasn't happened so far" - keep being out there as you are -clubs, interests, activities -all wonderful. Keep up gaining resources and information as to how to deal with anxiety and how to make a positive first impression when you meet people.

    And yes if you do all you can -do your best -and you don't meet the right person in time to have a family you will know you did your utmost and that you didn't make excuses about social media and society getting in your way and increasing your anxiety. When I feel anxious like that I have my go to stuff -ranges from the treadmill to beating an egg senseless (yes I take it out on food prep) and angry-cleaning, etc. And hydrating helps me too (with water not alcohol!). You really can give this your best shot. You deserve to give it your best shot. Happy to PM with you.

  8. #27
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    No Iím not blaming social media or society. I think it does make it easier to be envious of people in relationships if u spend a lot of a
    Time scrolling social media but Iím fully aware that this is something I want so I would be feeling anxious about it without social media too. I also know I wouldnít have been able to be in a healthy relationship a few years ago as I was overly reliant on men and relationships to fulfill me. However corny it sounds, for me I had to build a more purposeful and fulfilling life alone first.. this helped me overcome issues with food and alcohol. Could I have done this and had a healthy relationship at the same time? I know it wouldnít have been possible. I tried it and it didnít work. I do agree though that I need to give it my best shot. I posted on here as Iím aware Iíve become negative about it which isnít cool and wonít attract good things if I donít get a more relaxed approach about it

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Shannon1235
    No Iím not blaming social media or society. I think it does make it easier to be envious of people in relationships if u spend a lot of a
    Time scrolling social media but Iím fully aware that this is something I want so I would be feeling anxious about it without social media too. I also know I wouldnít have been able to be in a healthy relationship a few years ago as I was overly reliant on men and relationships to fulfill me. However corny it sounds, for me I had to build a more purposeful and fulfilling life alone first.. this helped me overcome issues with food and alcohol. Could I have done this and had a healthy relationship at the same time? I know it wouldnít have been possible. I tried it and it didnít work. I do agree though that I need to give it my best shot. I posted on here as Iím aware Iíve become negative about it which isnít cool and wonít attract good things if I donít get a more relaxed approach about it
    Yes - do what you think works for you of course. Maybe I made a mistake at times not taking more breaks to be on my own and experience that but I also never lived with someone other than very short term -a few weeks -before getting married so I was on my own in that way. Of course social media makes everything more in your face -and it's your choice how to interact with social media. I get it!!

    I agree with your take on negative vibes ,etc. I really like how you are approaching this!

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