Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 28

Thread: Single and anxious

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    48,797
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Do you have any hobbies?Spend time with other friends who are single like yourself? Perhaps you're spending too much time with the married friends who make you feel less than?
    I have friends who have no interest in marriage and sincerely are happy being single. They don't have the thoughts of needing to be married or kids, etc.
    My one friend just came back from Antartica on an expedition and also travelled to Africa this past summer.
    She is 44 and is happier than anyone I know.
    Never married, no kids and no intentions of either.

    It IS possible to live a very happy life without marriage or it being your end all.

    Maybe you're giving a vibe out as well when you're out on a date and worrying too much about how you look and if it will lead somewhere.
    You might not even be meaning to but it would be making things awkward and uncomfortable.
    Not saying it's a 100% but possibly.

    I think what other people might be meaning as well is if you focus on what other things bring you happiness in life, it might make you feel less anxious and less unhappy about your current dating status.
    Being more happy will also help make dating easier, coincidentally.
    I agree with this and I would not give up on your goal of marriage even though there is no guarantee nor would I tell myself that you'll be satisfied with your life without a partner -unless that becomes true for you. It was never ever true for me (whether that's unhealthy, who knows, but that was the truth) but I also wasn't desperate in my mid to late 30s- I did feel desperate in my 20s until around my mid 30s. Changing from desperate to balanced about it helped a lot. I had a fun fulfilling life when I was single in every way and I also knew I would not feel fulfilled for the balance of my life without a spouse and the opportunity to try to have a child (or adopt) with a spouse. I owned that goal and dream.

    I know married and single people who have fulfilled their other dreams of world travel, career dreams, becoming an artist of some type (whether for money or not), etc. Yes -if you have a family and especially when your kids are young you likely will not at that time go to Antartica all by yourself unless your husband can take care of the kids and you're content as a couple to have you gone for extended periods. Certainly more challenging!

    You definitely cannot come across as desperate or heavily focused on your physical appearance -both are huge turnoffs to people of character and integrity. So I would practice faking it till you make it whatever it takes -self-talk, reading books, etc. that give you tips on how to shift that focus.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Posts
    8
    Yes I have lots of interests and have pursued one as a career in recent years. I spend most of my time pursuing these interests and have read lots of self help books etc. I have attended courses on self development and put dating on the back burner for a few years. I suppose in the last year and a half I have become more focused on it again as I felt In a good head space to pursue it but have become quite disillusioned that despite feeling like I have done all the right things it hasnít happened. I know That there are a lot worse things in the world than worrying about not finding love but for me I would feel very sad to think I wonít have my own family with someone. Itís just always been a big desire of mine, despite believing in the absolute importance of self love and trying to develop a sense of inner contentment that is not connected to a man.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    4,963
    It can be tough, most definitely.
    I think a lot of times we as humans can get ourselves into a place where we feel we are ready and things should fall into place and life just doesn't go that way.
    It can be frustrating.
    But things can change tomorrow, even next month or next year.

    It's always good to try to remain positive and believe that things will come along when it's time.

    For the time being, date but without these huge expectations, try to keep it on the fun side of getting to know someone.
    Patience is a virtue, right? But I know how tough it can be waiting and wanting things to be as you want them to be right now.

    Try not to get into catastrophic thinking, that everything is going bad and this won't ever happen and you are getting too old, etc.
    That kind of thinking won't help and it's anxious thoughts you don't need.
    Is it easy to do?
    No, not at all.
    It takes a conscience effort to not let them overwhelm you.

  4. #14
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Location
    Out of this world!
    Posts
    459
    Gender
    Female
    It is normal to be critical about yourself. At the end of the day we are our worst critics.

    You do sound like you are very hard on yourself though. Which you don't need to be.

    Where you said you had an eating disorder in the past but is now resolved and now fixating on weight concerns me. So please be careful with that. The one focus is you know you snapped out of it before. So I doubt you'll fall back to stage.

    You sound like you have done really well in the 6 years. You should be incredibly proud of yourself now.

    Essentially before my last last relationship I was single for a very long time. It made me anxious. Made me doubt myself. I even had people comment on "how can you be single you are gorgeous". Things like that make it feel so much worst.

    I'm turning 27 I do also want to be settled in my early 30s the older I'm getting the more it plays on my mind. I think the reason I'm not feeling like you know is I'm not letting it become my life focus.

    I am a big believer nothing happens before it's time. Yes cliche but I genuinely believe that.

    It may not seem it now but honestly things will fall into place. You'll just make yourself I'll fixating on that.

    Also... The whole weight thing I know gets to most women and we feel like men want stick skinny. A lot of them don't. Not like there is anything wrong with a small frame. But a real women is seen as more sexy these days.

    I was talking to my cousin. Who is practically a model, he is 6ft4, dark, muscly and all that jazz. All my friends fancy him (a bit gross as I see him like a brother). Anyway I thought he would like those model types. Very skinny. Guess what he said no he likes a real women with thighs and a real body.

    Everyone has tastes and a type. I know I do too. What I am getting at even those "attractive" guys like real women.

    I don't think you would feel any prettier a stone lighter. This is just what your mind is telling yourself.

    You need to believe it for you! I hated a lot of thinks about myself as a teen too. Since growing up I've learnt to love them and embrace them. It will take time but you will get there too.

    Best of luck. I know you will do it as it sounds like you've come so far already

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    4,963
    You sound like you have done really well in the 6 years. You should be incredibly proud of yourself now
    This is also very true. Overcoming an eating disorder is a really tough go! The fact that you've done it really is impressive. You HAVE done really well and are continuing to do well.
    You just need a change in focus.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    48,797
    Originally Posted by Shannon1235
    Yes I have lots of interests and have pursued one as a career in recent years. I spend most of my time pursuing these interests and have read lots of self help books etc. I have attended courses on self development and put dating on the back burner for a few years. I suppose in the last year and a half I have become more focused on it again as I felt In a good head space to pursue it but have become quite disillusioned that despite feeling like I have done all the right things it hasnít happened. I know That there are a lot worse things in the world than worrying about not finding love but for me I would feel very sad to think I wonít have my own family with someone. Itís just always been a big desire of mine, despite believing in the absolute importance of self love and trying to develop a sense of inner contentment that is not connected to a man.
    All of that sounds inspiring and that you're serious about finding a partner and a healthy relationship. It's not just about finding love - love is a feeling -but about finding the right partner who you love in the sense that you want to give to that person. I also think it's a huge plus that you're excited about your career -that will come through when you meet people.

  8. #17
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Posts
    8
    Thank you guys. What a supportive bunch you are. Yes I am more aware that it is most likely my mind telling myself this story re the weight thing. Iím not worried Iíll relapse to the strict dieting as I suppose I believed when I started down that route years ago that ďIíll be so happy when Iím so thinĒ. I got really thin and was never so unhappy so that is a good reminder. The harsh dieting life is totally miserable as well and I Feel I totally lost my spark last time round. I was super thin but super uptight and i just donít think I could do that to myself again. I think the setbacks from dating bring on self doubt and as a person who is prone to it anyway I have gotten quite wrapped up in the negative stories. Friends have advised that if dating is making me doubt myself to
    Maybe give it a skip for the moment but As I donít go to bars much anymore I feel that if I do that Iím not putting myself out there.. I think instead of that I have to work on building a more secure sense of myself so that I take setbacks a bit more in my stride?! Also I donít know what has happened my mindset since my last birthday but I have this 34 number in my head and am constantly freaked about it 🙈 I am trying to remind myself of Megan Markle and how things worked out for her as a single woman in her late 30s ☺️

  9. #18
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Location
    Out of this world!
    Posts
    459
    Gender
    Female
    I am glad you are aware of the dieting thing. Having that self awareness will stop you from relapsing.

    I suffered from really bad OCD as a teenager which I grew out of by 21. I have recently needed help from therapy due to racial abuse and bullying in the work place. My first concern was relapsing and being that OCD unhappy teenager all over again espicially after a poster here suggested I should seek therapy for OCD.

    Guess what I spoke to my therapist and he even said the greatest tool is self awareness. Something I didn't have as a teenager. I know I was able to get out of that situation on my own and that in it's self will prevent me from going back there. My therapist said I have one tool that I didn't know I had as a teenager... He said I know I have the ability to fight it and become who I am today. So he said with that mentality I won't step back to where I was.

    I feel like you already have that mindset which is incredibly powerful for you. Hold on to that.

    Sorry I'm rattling on but I'm sharing this with you to show how incredibly strong you are.

    I know someone suggested therapy if you feel like it will help. Then why not. But from reading your posts you seem very self aware and postive with moving forward which is why you opened up here. Which is an amazing step.

    I do feel like this anxiety is perfectly normal. I've been to three baby showers this year of really close people in my life. Has it made me think I want that and I want to be settled? Of course. I wouldn't say it's a bad thing to think about.

    When I get older and if things aren't falling into place I feel I would get just as anxious about it as you are now. Again perfectly normal especially for women.

    My cosuin who doesn't plan on children due to her health is your age. She is single and even though she can't have kids she is still slightly anxious about being single. There is a pressure in society with being single.

    I think the only thing that keeps me in check is the fact my mum had me in her 30s and my brother when she was 40. Made me realise there really isn't any rush and whenever it happens you can still be an amazing mum.

    Like you said that way of like is even fit for a princess like Megan Markle.

    I think the older women get it's normal to get a little freaked out.

    Wish you all the best.

  10. #19
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Posts
    8
    Yes I actually have gone through bouts of obsessive compulsive thoughts when I was younger, without the compulsive behaviors. I went for cbt and it really helped me deal with anxiety as I didnít even realize before this that as Humans we canít control our thoughts and the more we try to the more intense they become. I also try to remind myself that a lot of thoughts arenít factual but can be made up stories that have no truth behind them. Thatís what I am trying to do at the moment re my anxiety with being alone. I met a friend today who is no longer single and although happy for her I felt jealous. This isnít something I used to feel a few years ago but I think itís a result of how anxious Iíve become about it all. Good for u working through your ocd.. 🙏👍🏻

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    48,797
    Originally Posted by Shannon1235
    Thank you guys. What a supportive bunch you are. Yes I am more aware that it is most likely my mind telling myself this story re the weight thing. Iím not worried Iíll relapse to the strict dieting as I suppose I believed when I started down that route years ago that ďIíll be so happy when Iím so thinĒ. I got really thin and was never so unhappy so that is a good reminder. The harsh dieting life is totally miserable as well and I Feel I totally lost my spark last time round. I was super thin but super uptight and i just donít think I could do that to myself again. I think the setbacks from dating bring on self doubt and as a person who is prone to it anyway I have gotten quite wrapped up in the negative stories. Friends have advised that if dating is making me doubt myself to
    Maybe give it a skip for the moment but As I donít go to bars much anymore I feel that if I do that Iím not putting myself out there.. I think instead of that I have to work on building a more secure sense of myself so that I take setbacks a bit more in my stride?! Also I donít know what has happened my mindset since my last birthday but I have this 34 number in my head and am constantly freaked about it 🙈 I am trying to remind myself of Megan Markle and how things worked out for her as a single woman in her late 30s ☺️
    Way back when I decided that by the year 2000 I would want to be done having kids -I was 34 that year. That year I had a serious boyfriend who I just wasn't sure was the one. Not even close to my "goal" . And I felt very similarly to you when I had my undiagnosed eating disorder and was super thin - really bad way to live. I hope you're joking about the Princess! I am happy for her and no way would I have wanted to marry into a royal family. Many many people get married in their late 30s/early 40s for the first time. Not just princesses.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •