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Single and anxious


Shannon1235

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Hi all,

 

I have been single six years. Prior to this time I was in two long term relationships. They didn’t work out as I just wasn’t ready to meet the man of my life at that time. My last relationship ended when I was 28.

 

When the relationship ended I had a lot of growing up to do. I dated a lot for two years and was anxious to jump into another relationship. With time though I began to realize that I had a lot of work to do on myself. I had an issue with alcohol and the beginnings of an eating disorder in my late 20s which I have since resolved. I also moved away for a few years and worked hard to get myself in a good place. I sorted my finances out and developed a new career and made lots of new friends in a new part of the world. I have worked really hard to build my confidence and I suppose in a way I feel I have “found myself” in the last few years. I have good self awareness and am always working towards goals and trying to develop myself to become the best possible version of myself- without sounding Oprah like.

 

I have returned home after a few years abroad (im a year at home now} as I was eager to meet someone. i Want to have children and settle down. It’s something I have always envisaged as part of my future. However, despite having lots of interests, a good personality and an ability to easily connect with people, I feel like my love life never works out. I have been told I am very attractive all throughout my 20s but I have a real issue believing this when I feel that I have been single for so long-6 years.

 

I know to the outside world I appear confident and together but inwardly I am so anxious that I have missed the boat and that I won’t find love. All my friends are married with children and friends who were single have since found Love. I know that this attitude won’t help and I am anxious to become more positive about it but I find it hard when I feel I go on a lot of dates with men who are totally unsuitable or those that I’m interested in don’t seem bothered.

 

My real issue is believing that I am attractive. I look at pictures of myself and inwardly think I mustn’t look like that, as the girl in the photos is very attractive. I think this goes back to my teen years as I had bad acne and was self conscious of being tall. I feel like people tell me a lot that I’m very pretty but the minute I get “rejected” by a guy I think it’s because I’m too “big”. I’m slim but was slimmer in my late 20s but with that came an unhealthy obsession with food and exercise. I eat now when I like and have a good diet and although my Mind sometimes tells myself the story that I would be more attractive if I was half a stone lighter, I can’t go back to subjecting myself to a rigid diet which brought me unease and rigidity.

 

When I read above, I realize how problematic this thinking appears. When I was in school, a few guys would comment negatively on me being tall, and as I can be quite sensitive I think I took that with me. Deep down, I think I know my thinking is distorted but I don’t know how to go back to believing in myself.

 

I go on dates and men comment that I am very pretty etc. Depending on the day, I sometimes believe it. However I think a lot more of the guys who met me on a blind date and didn’t seem interested in me at all. Straight away I tell myself I’m too big and like a guy, even though when I see videos of myself I am surprised by how slim and feminine I appear. How do I correct this thinking and start believing and accepting myself as I am? I feel if I do I will attract good things but at the moment I am full of self doubt about my attractiveness to men. I realize this is quite disempowering to need a man to make me believe i am attractive but I feel in every other sense I have got my life together but my love life never works out. I don’t want to be alone and while I embraced it for the last few years out of the 6 years I have been single, I am very anxious about it in the last year. Time is ticking by and I have become lonely, despite having lots of friends and interests.

 

Just to point out, I’m not too fussy, maybe years ago I was but now I just want a nice guy who I am attracted to and I get on with. And although, the above is an email filled with self doubt, I am very sure that I don’t give off this vibe when I meet people.

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What strikes me so much about your post is your emphasis on your physical features. Yes, people often are attracted to looks at first. Some people focus more on physical features especially if they are looking for arm candy and not just chemistry/someone they personally find attractive. Yes there is a difference. So make sure you look your best -look approachable, look positive, use good posture, good body language, be clean and wear flattering, feminine clothing (not tight or revealing unless you're in the mood more for a fling). Yes, you want to make a good impression physically too. Yes, looks matter. No they do not matter as much as you describe and if they do to an individual person that's fine -all you need is one right person and I wouldn't want a person who focused on looks as much as you seem to think people do.

 

Yes, being slim helps a great deal and I also know of many overweight people in long term happy relationships. And being slim especially helps when meeting people through online sites -and make sure your photos are accurate because it can be more of the "hmm she posted misleading photos" than not liking what you look like.

 

I was single at almost 39 when I reconnected with my future husband. We'd been seriously involved in our late 20s/early 30s. I was cute/attractive. He is too! I knew many many single people in their 30s and 40s because back then I made it my business to live in a major city teeming with single people so I never felt like I was the only one despite feeling the biological clock pressure. Also understand that you chose not to do the work in your 20s to be ready for a serious relationship -not that there are any guarantees but you need to accept that your friends who are married may have been "lucky" or simply may have done the work earlier than you to be the right person to find the right person.

 

When I was single in my 30s I was working intense and crazy and unpredictable hours at work. These are the things I did to meet people: volunteer work, through friends at work and outside of work, in my apartment building, at the gym, at religious organizations and events, at singles events, through online dating. I made sure I went to at least one event every week or more and I met women too who could introduce me to men (and also because I enjoyed making new friends). I asked everyone I trusted to set me up. I set people up, and they returned the favor.

 

On the looks thing again. My husband and I are in our early 50s. I think he's really cute! He's put on weight and it only bothers me because I worry about his health. I do not feel like my face is attractive anymore and it bothers me and so far I'm not willing to have work done or take the time to get a "makeover" etc. It doesn't bother my husband -he tells me he thinks I'm beautiful. I am happy with my body/weight/fitness and I work really hard on that also for health reasons. Oh and we were able to conceive a child in our early 40s and my strong suggestion to you is -freeze your eggs now -I did not have that opportunity. It all worked out but it was stressful to be pregnant for the first time at age 41-42. I had an undiagnosed eating disorder in my teens/early 20s. I get it. I'm also happy to PM with you if you think it would help.

 

I'm sorry you feel lonely and I hope some of this input helped you.

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I think it is a lot of anxiety that I will end up alone.i suppose modern society focuses a lot on looks and so I am placing a lot of emphasis on this. I’m also confident that I can easily connect with people so that doesn’t worry me but my confidence regarding my appearance wavers for some reason. Are a lot women like this??

 

Modern day dating is hard. I just feel constantly open to judgment and then with modern day dating apps it’s often a case of men going online and swiping for the next best thing. I worry that the good men are gone. I know if I can curtail the anxiety it will probably work out but I feel recently that it is consuming me. I also feel that people keep saying work on yourself and it will happen but I feel like screaming that I have to no end and sometimes someone just doesn’t want to be alone anymore..is that so bad?!! I know focusing on it so much won’t help but I feel like i am thinking about it constantly recently. Thanks for above post though.. u give me hope!!

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Hi Shannon, I totally get you girl. It's tough. I'm in the same boat, I got out of the dating/love game after some long-term relationships one after the other and I've never managed to get back in there, despite wanting to. It's been 8 years which I can't quite believe! Like you I've been doing some soul searching and work on myself, but unlike you I still have a long way to go.

 

I can relate to your self doubt and the feelings you describe, I think this is normal (though not exactly healthy!) especially if you worry about time passing by etc and there is a certain amount of pressure from society etc. I find it hard not to feel jealous or demoralised when I see so many young couples married and starting families and I am so far from that, but that is my own issue not theirs.

 

I say keep doing you, focus on self love like you have been. There's a book called Who Says You Can't You Do I highly recommend which talks about mindset (for life in general) and positive visualisation etc and is backed up by science it isn't all airy fairy. Give this a read, keep developing yourself and putting yourself (safely) out there. Dating experience is always good to build up if you're comfortable with that.

 

All the best lovely!

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I can't say for everyone, but I do think it's possible that you worry about your looks possibly a bit too much. It's okay to want to look nice but it's not usual to focus so intensely on how you look and what people think and if you look a certain way or if you're striving for perfection, etc.

It's a bit too much.

 

Personality overcomes most of it anyhow. You can get a woman or even a man who is exceptionally good looking but are total jerks and have the ugliest hearts. Looks can't save them and they too end up alone.

There are loads of actors and actresses, models etc who are single due to the fact that they have ugly personalities.

 

Confidence should come from a place of feeling good about who you are inside, not outside.

Of course everyone wants to take care of themselves and to look nice but what matters much more is having confidence in who you are and how you accept yourself and don't need validation from others.

 

It's possible that the men you've met just aren't the ones. Finding the one suitable person is not easy and can take many years.

Some people get lucky and find their mate early on, but not everyone is lucky, it's why the dating sites exist and have hundreds/thousands of people on them.

Finding the right one really can be difficult.

It's easy enough to find a date, I think just about anyone can, eventually. But to find someone to be in a relationship with is much more difficult and can take a long time.

 

All I can say is that hopefully your time comes soon. Do the best you can, don't lose hope and when you go on dates again, try to be more relaxed. Flirt, get to know your date on a friend level, have fun.

Once you focus on those things more so than finding a husband, the pressure will be off and it will hopefully go better. At least the vibe will be better.

Concentrate on becoming good friends with some laid back flirting and having a nice time.

 

And try to not get caught up in what's in the mirror. There is no perfection. Focus on being happy with who you are and not if you look a certain way.

Your self confidence and self esteem will follow.

 

You're not alone in the frustrations of dating. Lots of people will marry early and also divorce. And they will be trying to find "the one" at a later stage in life, some even being single parents now that they are divorced.

The bottom line is, you have lots of time to find your partner and no need to be envious of your friends and feel that they have everything.

Just do the best with what you have and focus on the positive.

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Thank you guys! Yes def something there with the mention of perfectionism. I put a lot of pressure on myself and expect a lot from myself in every area of my life and am critical of myself over the smallest of things yet don’t high five myself over the good moments. The perfectionist mindset I think was partly why I struggled so much with food and dieting for a few years in my late 20s. As I said also I hear all the negative comments about myself and discard all the positive ones. I’m not sure what this is about as in other ways I do like myself.

 

It’s def hard being a single woman in today’s world.. I feel like people have a level of sympathy\pity for single women in their 30s but for men it’s almost viewed as a positive. I’m hyper aware also of any comments any friends pass about it and am sensitive that they’re pitying me when maybe in fact they’re not. Also very aware there are lots of married unhappy couples. I suppose I just worry like u little lady that i won’t find love. That kind of freaks me out if I’m honest ..I’m an anxious person by nature so need to try curtail all the negative thoughts surrounding single life as I really believe things come together when ur positive. Just a bit easier said than done. It’s the one area of my life that doesn’t come easy and I find it hard to go with the flow. Work etc I am chilled about. Like u I don’t know where the last six years have gone.. I never expected to be single this long. Single life has helped me become a better and more grounded person but recently the anxiety around it lasting forever is getting a bit consuming 🙈

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I think it is a lot of anxiety that I will end up alone.i suppose modern society focuses a lot on looks and so I am placing a lot of emphasis on this. I’m also confident that I can easily connect with people so that doesn’t worry me but my confidence regarding my appearance wavers for some reason. Are a lot women like this??

 

Modern day dating is hard. I just feel constantly open to judgment and then with modern day dating apps it’s often a case of men going online and swiping for the next best thing. I worry that the good men are gone. I know if I can curtail the anxiety it will probably work out but I feel recently that it is consuming me. I also feel that people keep saying work on yourself and it will happen but I feel like screaming that I have to no end and sometimes someone just doesn’t want to be alone anymore..is that so bad?!! I know focusing on it so much won’t help but I feel like i am thinking about it constantly recently. Thanks for above post though.. u give me hope!!

 

I stopped dating in 2005. Many of my friends of all ages have been dating a lot since that time. Nothing to do with "modern society". Some people when they are choosing future spouses focus a lot on physical features and not just for attraction purposes. I did in the 1970s-early 90s or thereabouts - I wanted someone "hot" or considered handsome/attractive on my arm - not just because of attraction. As I got older that became less important and not at all because I was settling. Not at all. I don't agree with "working on yourself" unless you are very concrete and specific about what you are working on and as long as it doesn't mean -in your case- not dating or looking to date. And I mean specific - I work on myself in very specific and basic ways - we all need to work on ourselves but using the generic "work on yourself" is just a lot of psychobabble IMO.

 

I also would avoid telling yourself what "society" focuses on. You need to meet one individual who is right for you for the long term. One. That individual is not "society" and relying on generalizations is just going to give you excuses not to be out there and proactive.

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Do you have any hobbies? Spend time with other friends who are single like yourself? Perhaps you're spending too much time with the married friends who make you feel less than?

I have friends who have no interest in marriage and sincerely are happy being single. They don't have the thoughts of needing to be married or kids, etc.

My one friend just came back from Antartica on an expedition and also travelled to Africa this past summer.

She is 44 and is happier than anyone I know.

Never married, no kids and no intentions of either.

 

It IS possible to live a very happy life without marriage or it being the end all.

 

Maybe you're giving a vibe out as well when you're out on a date and worrying too much about how you look and if it will lead somewhere.

You might not even be meaning to but it could be making things awkward and uncomfortable.

Not saying it's a 100% but possibly.

 

I think what other people might be meaning as well is if you focus on what other things bring you happiness in life, it might make you feel less anxious and less unhappy about your current dating status.

Being more happy will also help make dating easier, coincidentally.

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Do you have any hobbies?Spend time with other friends who are single like yourself? Perhaps you're spending too much time with the married friends who make you feel less than?

I have friends who have no interest in marriage and sincerely are happy being single. They don't have the thoughts of needing to be married or kids, etc.

My one friend just came back from Antartica on an expedition and also travelled to Africa this past summer.

She is 44 and is happier than anyone I know.

Never married, no kids and no intentions of either.

 

It IS possible to live a very happy life without marriage or it being your end all.

 

Maybe you're giving a vibe out as well when you're out on a date and worrying too much about how you look and if it will lead somewhere.

You might not even be meaning to but it would be making things awkward and uncomfortable.

Not saying it's a 100% but possibly.

 

I think what other people might be meaning as well is if you focus on what other things bring you happiness in life, it might make you feel less anxious and less unhappy about your current dating status.

Being more happy will also help make dating easier, coincidentally.

 

I agree with this and I would not give up on your goal of marriage even though there is no guarantee nor would I tell myself that you'll be satisfied with your life without a partner -unless that becomes true for you. It was never ever true for me (whether that's unhealthy, who knows, but that was the truth) but I also wasn't desperate in my mid to late 30s- I did feel desperate in my 20s until around my mid 30s. Changing from desperate to balanced about it helped a lot. I had a fun fulfilling life when I was single in every way and I also knew I would not feel fulfilled for the balance of my life without a spouse and the opportunity to try to have a child (or adopt) with a spouse. I owned that goal and dream.

 

I know married and single people who have fulfilled their other dreams of world travel, career dreams, becoming an artist of some type (whether for money or not), etc. Yes -if you have a family and especially when your kids are young you likely will not at that time go to Antartica all by yourself unless your husband can take care of the kids and you're content as a couple to have you gone for extended periods. Certainly more challenging!

 

You definitely cannot come across as desperate or heavily focused on your physical appearance -both are huge turnoffs to people of character and integrity. So I would practice faking it till you make it whatever it takes -self-talk, reading books, etc. that give you tips on how to shift that focus.

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Yes I have lots of interests and have pursued one as a career in recent years. I spend most of my time pursuing these interests and have read lots of self help books etc. I have attended courses on self development and put dating on the back burner for a few years. I suppose in the last year and a half I have become more focused on it again as I felt In a good head space to pursue it but have become quite disillusioned that despite feeling like I have done all the right things it hasn’t happened. I know That there are a lot worse things in the world than worrying about not finding love but for me I would feel very sad to think I won’t have my own family with someone. It’s just always been a big desire of mine, despite believing in the absolute importance of self love and trying to develop a sense of inner contentment that is not connected to a man.

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It can be tough, most definitely.

I think a lot of times we as humans can get ourselves into a place where we feel we are ready and things should fall into place and life just doesn't go that way.

It can be frustrating.

But things can change tomorrow, even next month or next year.

 

It's always good to try to remain positive and believe that things will come along when it's time.

 

For the time being, date but without these huge expectations, try to keep it on the fun side of getting to know someone.

Patience is a virtue, right? But I know how tough it can be waiting and wanting things to be as you want them to be right now.

 

Try not to get into catastrophic thinking, that everything is going bad and this won't ever happen and you are getting too old, etc.

That kind of thinking won't help and it's anxious thoughts you don't need.

Is it easy to do?

No, not at all.

It takes a conscience effort to not let them overwhelm you.

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It is normal to be critical about yourself. At the end of the day we are our worst critics.

 

You do sound like you are very hard on yourself though. Which you don't need to be.

 

Where you said you had an eating disorder in the past but is now resolved and now fixating on weight concerns me. So please be careful with that. The one focus is you know you snapped out of it before. So I doubt you'll fall back to stage.

 

You sound like you have done really well in the 6 years. You should be incredibly proud of yourself now.

 

Essentially before my last last relationship I was single for a very long time. It made me anxious. Made me doubt myself. I even had people comment on "how can you be single you are gorgeous". Things like that make it feel so much worst.

 

I'm turning 27 I do also want to be settled in my early 30s the older I'm getting the more it plays on my mind. I think the reason I'm not feeling like you know is I'm not letting it become my life focus.

 

I am a big believer nothing happens before it's time. Yes cliche but I genuinely believe that.

 

It may not seem it now but honestly things will fall into place. You'll just make yourself I'll fixating on that.

 

Also... The whole weight thing I know gets to most women and we feel like men want stick skinny. A lot of them don't. Not like there is anything wrong with a small frame. But a real women is seen as more sexy these days.

 

I was talking to my cousin. Who is practically a model, he is 6ft4, dark, muscly and all that jazz. All my friends fancy him (a bit gross as I see him like a brother). Anyway I thought he would like those model types. Very skinny. Guess what he said no he likes a real women with thighs and a real body.

 

Everyone has tastes and a type. I know I do too. What I am getting at even those "attractive" guys like real women.

 

I don't think you would feel any prettier a stone lighter. This is just what your mind is telling yourself.

 

You need to believe it for you! I hated a lot of thinks about myself as a teen too. Since growing up I've learnt to love them and embrace them. It will take time but you will get there too.

 

Best of luck. I know you will do it as it sounds like you've come so far already

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You sound like you have done really well in the 6 years. You should be incredibly proud of yourself now

 

This is also very true. Overcoming an eating disorder is a really tough go! The fact that you've done it really is impressive. You HAVE done really well and are continuing to do well.

You just need a change in focus.

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Yes I have lots of interests and have pursued one as a career in recent years. I spend most of my time pursuing these interests and have read lots of self help books etc. I have attended courses on self development and put dating on the back burner for a few years. I suppose in the last year and a half I have become more focused on it again as I felt In a good head space to pursue it but have become quite disillusioned that despite feeling like I have done all the right things it hasn’t happened. I know That there are a lot worse things in the world than worrying about not finding love but for me I would feel very sad to think I won’t have my own family with someone. It’s just always been a big desire of mine, despite believing in the absolute importance of self love and trying to develop a sense of inner contentment that is not connected to a man.

 

All of that sounds inspiring and that you're serious about finding a partner and a healthy relationship. It's not just about finding love - love is a feeling -but about finding the right partner who you love in the sense that you want to give to that person. I also think it's a huge plus that you're excited about your career -that will come through when you meet people.

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Thank you guys. What a supportive bunch you are. Yes I am more aware that it is most likely my mind telling myself this story re the weight thing. I’m not worried I’ll relapse to the strict dieting as I suppose I believed when I started down that route years ago that “I’ll be so happy when I’m so thin”. I got really thin and was never so unhappy so that is a good reminder. The harsh dieting life is totally miserable as well and I Feel I totally lost my spark last time round. I was super thin but super uptight and i just don’t think I could do that to myself again. I think the setbacks from dating bring on self doubt and as a person who is prone to it anyway I have gotten quite wrapped up in the negative stories. Friends have advised that if dating is making me doubt myself to

Maybe give it a skip for the moment but As I don’t go to bars much anymore I feel that if I do that I’m not putting myself out there.. I think instead of that I have to work on building a more secure sense of myself so that I take setbacks a bit more in my stride?! Also I don’t know what has happened my mindset since my last birthday but I have this 34 number in my head and am constantly freaked about it 🙈 I am trying to remind myself of Megan Markle and how things worked out for her as a single woman in her late 30s ☺️

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I am glad you are aware of the dieting thing. Having that self awareness will stop you from relapsing.

 

I suffered from really bad OCD as a teenager which I grew out of by 21. I have recently needed help from therapy due to racial abuse and bullying in the work place. My first concern was relapsing and being that OCD unhappy teenager all over again espicially after a poster here suggested I should seek therapy for OCD.

 

Guess what I spoke to my therapist and he even said the greatest tool is self awareness. Something I didn't have as a teenager. I know I was able to get out of that situation on my own and that in it's self will prevent me from going back there. My therapist said I have one tool that I didn't know I had as a teenager... He said I know I have the ability to fight it and become who I am today. So he said with that mentality I won't step back to where I was.

 

I feel like you already have that mindset which is incredibly powerful for you. Hold on to that.

 

Sorry I'm rattling on but I'm sharing this with you to show how incredibly strong you are.

 

I know someone suggested therapy if you feel like it will help. Then why not. But from reading your posts you seem very self aware and postive with moving forward which is why you opened up here. Which is an amazing step.

 

I do feel like this anxiety is perfectly normal. I've been to three baby showers this year of really close people in my life. Has it made me think I want that and I want to be settled? Of course. I wouldn't say it's a bad thing to think about.

 

When I get older and if things aren't falling into place I feel I would get just as anxious about it as you are now. Again perfectly normal especially for women.

 

My cosuin who doesn't plan on children due to her health is your age. She is single and even though she can't have kids she is still slightly anxious about being single. There is a pressure in society with being single.

 

I think the only thing that keeps me in check is the fact my mum had me in her 30s and my brother when she was 40. Made me realise there really isn't any rush and whenever it happens you can still be an amazing mum.

 

Like you said that way of like is even fit for a princess like Megan Markle.

 

I think the older women get it's normal to get a little freaked out.

 

Wish you all the best.

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Yes I actually have gone through bouts of obsessive compulsive thoughts when I was younger, without the compulsive behaviors. I went for cbt and it really helped me deal with anxiety as I didn’t even realize before this that as Humans we can’t control our thoughts and the more we try to the more intense they become. I also try to remind myself that a lot of thoughts aren’t factual but can be made up stories that have no truth behind them. That’s what I am trying to do at the moment re my anxiety with being alone. I met a friend today who is no longer single and although happy for her I felt jealous. This isn’t something I used to feel a few years ago but I think it’s a result of how anxious I’ve become about it all. Good for u working through your ocd.. 🙏👍🏻

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Thank you guys. What a supportive bunch you are. Yes I am more aware that it is most likely my mind telling myself this story re the weight thing. I’m not worried I’ll relapse to the strict dieting as I suppose I believed when I started down that route years ago that “I’ll be so happy when I’m so thin”. I got really thin and was never so unhappy so that is a good reminder. The harsh dieting life is totally miserable as well and I Feel I totally lost my spark last time round. I was super thin but super uptight and i just don’t think I could do that to myself again. I think the setbacks from dating bring on self doubt and as a person who is prone to it anyway I have gotten quite wrapped up in the negative stories. Friends have advised that if dating is making me doubt myself to

Maybe give it a skip for the moment but As I don’t go to bars much anymore I feel that if I do that I’m not putting myself out there.. I think instead of that I have to work on building a more secure sense of myself so that I take setbacks a bit more in my stride?! Also I don’t know what has happened my mindset since my last birthday but I have this 34 number in my head and am constantly freaked about it 🙈 I am trying to remind myself of Megan Markle and how things worked out for her as a single woman in her late 30s ☺️

 

Way back when I decided that by the year 2000 I would want to be done having kids -I was 34 that year. That year I had a serious boyfriend who I just wasn't sure was the one. Not even close to my "goal" . And I felt very similarly to you when I had my undiagnosed eating disorder and was super thin - really bad way to live. I hope you're joking about the Princess! I am happy for her and no way would I have wanted to marry into a royal family. Many many people get married in their late 30s/early 40s for the first time. Not just princesses.

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How are you trying to find love besides "working on yourself"? Are you involved in clubs, groups, classes, courses, volunteering or other real life avenues for meeting people?. Do you have a well written profile and good recent pics on some better quality (paid) dating apps? Do you have a system/strategy for online dating such as browse the apps, message those who are interesting, meet asap to determine things the go from there to either rule them out or shoot for a second date?

 

As long as you have all this untreated anxiety and these cognitive distortions, ruminations, obsessions, etc and preconceived notions (all men just swipe for the thinnest, most beautiful and only want sex blah blah), dating... no less a relationship will be rather difficult and self defeating.

 

It seems you would like to believe that finding a man/relationship will solve all your problems. However dating and relationships are not going to address any self esteem or anxiety issues. In fact it's the other way around. One you address these things, you'll feel better in general and dating/finding love will be more within reach.

The perfectionist mindset I think was partly why I struggled so much with food and dieting for a few years in my late 20s. ..I’m an anxious person by nature so need to try curtail all the negative thoughts surrounding single life.
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Yes I actually have gone through bouts of obsessive compulsive thoughts when I was younger, without the compulsive behaviors. I went for cbt and it really helped me deal with anxiety as I didn’t even realize before this that as Humans we can’t control our thoughts and the more we try to the more intense they become. I also try to remind myself that a lot of thoughts aren’t factual but can be made up stories that have no truth behind them. That’s what I am trying to do at the moment re my anxiety with being alone. I met a friend today who is no longer single and although happy for her I felt jealous. This isn’t something I used to feel a few years ago but I think it’s a result of how anxious I’ve become about it all. Good for u working through your ocd.. 🙏👍🏻

 

It is very unstandable.

 

My cosuin announced her pregnancy to her best friend. Her best friend broke down and began to cry and was like "when will it be my turn?" As she had been trying for a long time.

 

She wasn't jealous and incredibly happy for her. But obviously just hit home it hasn't happened for her. Kinda like what happened with you and your friend.

 

Thank you :)

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It is very unstandable.

 

My cosuin announced her pregnancy to her best friend. Her best friend broke down and began to cry and was like "when will it be my turn?" As she had been trying for a long time.

 

She wasn't jealous and incredibly happy for her. But obviously just hit home it hasn't happened for her. Kinda like what happened with you and your friend.

 

Thank you :)

 

Yes I agree. Please don't beat yourself up about feeling envious. Facebook makes it harder too. I didn't have to deal with that back then - or even emails until the mid-late 1990s when I was already in my 30s. My sister had 4 children, most while I was in my 20s and yes I felt jealous. It's normal. When it was my turn I did my best to be sensitive to other peoples' feelings and I wasn't always treated appropriately so there's that too. And I hated the bridal and baby showers because I find them boring so I avoided them whenever possible (plus all the comments about those of us who were single - like that Sex and the City episode!!) - I had no showers nor did I want any - not compatible with my values. It really is in your face when the person posts on Facebook plus has endless parties surrounding the wedding, the birth the "gender reveal" etc. Please give yourself permission to feel what you feel. I can't imagine how it would have been for me to endure social media back then.

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Yes I agree. Please don't beat yourself up about feeling envious. Facebook makes it harder too. I didn't have to deal with that back then - or even emails until the mid-late 1990s when I was already in my 30s. My sister had 4 children, most while I was in my 20s and yes I felt jealous. It's normal. When it was my turn I did my best to be sensitive to other peoples' feelings and I wasn't always treated appropriately so there's that too. And I hated the bridal and baby showers because I find them boring so I avoided them whenever possible (plus all the comments about those of us who were single - like that Sex and the City episode!!) - I had no showers nor did I want any - not compatible with my values. It really is in your face when the person posts on Facebook plus has endless parties surrounding the wedding, the birth the "gender reveal" etc. Please give yourself permission to feel what you feel. I can't imagine how it would have been for me to endure social media back then.

 

I can totally relate to this. A lot of university friends who are getting married and having babies I have muted their stories. May seem harsh but I don't need reminding that despite them being my age I'm not there at my life stage.

 

You are so right. You have to allow yourself to feel.

 

A lot of people are not sensitive of other people's feelings.

 

I remember a group of friends was talking about life at University and one friend hadn't gone to uni she made a comment. Following that I have always tried to be sensitive of those who have not shared that lifestyle or in that stage of life.

 

Jealously is a very natural feeling and we all feel if from time to time like my friend did. Not everyone choses to be considerate. So that's why I mute people's feeds lol

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@wisemen no I have worked hard to overcome anxiety etc. To the most part I have done quite well. I think it is natural though to start feeling anxious as a woman when the biological clock starts to tick and in a society which indulges in social media it can be hard not to compare yourself to peers. I am involved in clubs and have developed a lot of interests. I have no doubt that happiness comes first outside of a relationship as I stated above, hence why I took a few years to really focus on building that. I suppose I just become disillusioned by the dating scene as I do feel ready to date but it hasn’t happened so far.

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