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She’s home for holiday break... still confused about situation


jackie103

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Another post about the same girl I have been posting about...

 

Cliff notes:

-she is 26 and a PhD student. I’m 24 female in the industry

 

-went on 3 dates with her over a span of a month.

 

-very minimal text conversation in between dates. I am always the one to initiate text conversations and ask her out on dates. One week she texted saying that we should do something the next week since when I asked her to do something the weekend before, she was sick. She never texted the next week so by Thursday I texted inviting her to dinner and a comedy show. She apologized and said things were crazy at work

 

-on that 3rd date (dinner and comedy), she did her hair and dressed up nice. Invited me in when I picked her up and I met her one roommate. Invited me in after the date again, we slept together that night. Went home after because I have a dog. I texted her two days later about the snow we were having

 

-I have paid for every date although she has always paid for drinks at every date

 

So our last communication was this past Monday and she is now on holiday break. I don’t see her reaching out to me at all during this time and I don’t think I should again. I really think at this point, she needs to reach out to me to see me again when she gets back in January but I’m really not sure she will.

 

I feel like she likes me though because she got dressed up for our dates and she even mentioned on the 3rd date that she did her hair and whatnot. She also initiated our first kiss on that date.

 

A slight part of me thinks she is just using me since I have been paying for all our meals but I don’t know because she always pays for drinks afterwards. Also it seems like a lot of energy to put into going on a 3rd date with someone just to use them.

 

Anyway, assuming she won’t reach out to me while she’s home, it’ll be about 3 weeks before she gets back into town and I’m not even sure she would reach out then. I really thought our dynamic would change after getting more intimate but it doesn’t seem like it has at all since we still rarely communicate with each other.

 

I feel she is a bit of a workaholic though and extremely focused but at the same time, I don’t want to be asking to see her every time. I need some initiation from her now... I don’t plan on reaching out at all again. Would this be the right move?

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I don't think she's terribly interested, OP.

 

I wouldn't reach out again either, and I would keep your options open.

 

Yeah, I would say the same sorry. Just sounds to me like she was happy "to go with the flow" just to keep her options open and maybe have sex because she wanted sex but she doesn't actually sound all that keen. If someone was interested they would show more enthusiasm and you wouldn't be the only one reaching out to them.

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It appears to be going well. However the lack of communication between dates and the lack of initiation still bother you, so it's the same dance over and over. You are not "being used", it's just that you want her to change and be someone else and unfortunately even though it appears to be progressing, you still have your doubts and still are trying to do the "wait for them to initiate" game but then cave and it's back to the same dance. It most likely will make no difference if you contact her first or wait for her to contact you first.

She also initiated our first kiss on that date. she always pays for drinks afterwards. Invited me in after the date again, we slept together that night.

 

I really thought our dynamic would change after getting more intimate but it doesn’t seem like it has at all since we still rarely communicate with each other.

I need some initiation from her now... I don’t plan on reaching out at all again.

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I completely agree with TinyDance and Miss Canuck. And I'll throw in my old married lady comment (10 years now not sure if that qualifies). Relationships are challenging enough -meaning not in a bad way -meaning always being ready to put in that extra caring, work on communication even harder, practice humility before expressing criticism, etc - that if you also are concerned about whether the other person is into you enough or is "using" you it's a non-starter. You need to have that secure, easy peaceful feeling that the other person's level of interest is basically similar to yours. Obviously it's not set in stone -there are ebbs and flows but basically, -deep down -you know this person is into you, you don't question it other than for fleeting moments at unusual times, if that. Sure there is some insecurity in the beginning but this is too much and is a nonstarter. She is interested in the way Tinydance and Miss Canuck described. That would be enough if you wanted the exact same thing and felt the same way. But you don't. You want more. She doesn't seem to. I'd move on.

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I think I of knew this deep down all along. Sucks but I won’t be reaching out again.

 

Well, I think we can often have a "gut feeling" and usually it's right. So if you feel "iffy" about this girl then that's obviously for a reason. I mean, sure, in the early stages people don't contact each other super often but if you're literally the only person initiating contact and dates, then I'd say the other person is not that interested.

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Well, I think we can often have a "gut feeling" and usually it's right. So if you feel "iffy" about this girl then that's obviously for a reason. I mean, sure, in the early stages people don't contact each other super often but if you're literally the only person initiating contact and dates, then I'd say the other person is not that interested.

 

Agreed. She reached out a couple of times before our third date but it was all for logistics. First was asking if I had looked at the weather forecast since there were a lot of rumors of bad weather. Then the day of the date asking when she should be ready by but those are all insignificant to me.

 

When we are together, she’s always laughing and she tries to keep the conversation going if there’s a lull but it’s when we are apart that I get the sense she’s not really interested.

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Are you a big texter? Because many people hate it for random chitchat or worse conversations, except for practical communication such as this. But then again there are many people who discount in-person interactions and base the happiness/viability of the situation on texting quantity and who texts first. It all depends if you like her enough...or not to continue, given the discrepancy in communication styles.

She reached out a couple of times before our third date but it was all for logistics. Then the day of the date asking when she should be ready by but those are all insignificant to me. When we are together, she’s always laughing and she tries to keep the conversation going if there’s a lull but it’s when we are apart that I get the sense she’s not really interested.
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Are you a big texter? Because many people hate it for random chitchat or worse conversations, except for practical communication such as this. But then again there are many people who discount in-person interactions and base the happiness/viability of the situation on texting quantity and who texts first. It all depends if you like her enough...or not to continue, given the discrepancy in communication styles.

 

I am fine with not a lot of texting in between but I don’t think I’m wanting too much for a check in once in a while, like sending me something funny or bringing up something we had talked about previously just as a quick little thing.

 

She also never brings up seeing me again in person... I saw her last Saturday and she left town Thursday so I thought she’d maybe try to schedule to see me before she left.

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Skimming your past threads about her, I really do think it's best that you concede she's just not into this the way you are.

 

Dating, especially in the beginning, shouldn't be such a hassle. When two people are keen on each other, there's generallly a lot more natural flow in communication and interest is felt by both parties. This is too one-sided with you putting in the majority of the effort.

 

She goes along with it sometimes, but she isn't excited to take it further. That's you signal to exit stage left.

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Skimming your past threads about her, I really do think it's best that you concede she's just not into this the way you are.

 

Dating, especially in the beginning, shouldn't be such a hassle. When two people are keen on each other, there's generallly a lot more natural flow in communication and interest is felt by both parties. This is too one-sided with you putting in the majority of the effort.

 

She goes along with it sometimes, but she isn't excited to take it further. That's you signal to exit stage left.

 

I agree with you, I don’t think dating should be this difficult. I don’t think I’m being irrational or clingy for wanting more initiation from her.

 

She may actually be busy because I know she has a conference first week of January where she is in a competition for a presentation. I remember telling her that she should try to relax and not work too hard during her break and she responded by saying “no I can’t do that”. She is definitely a workaholic. But I don’t want to go down the road of making excuses for peoples actions.

 

I won’t be reaching out anymore. If she’s truly interested, I’ll hear from her.

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I agree with you, I don’t think dating should be this difficult. I don’t think I’m being irrational or clingy for wanting more initiation from her.

 

I don't think so either. I just believe you've been pursuing someone who's not that into you. When there's no initiative at all from the other person, it's usually got a lot less to do with being busy and lot more to do with not really feeling and thus not wanting to initiate.

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I agree with you, I don’t think dating should be this difficult. I don’t think I’m being irrational or clingy for wanting more initiation from her.

 

She may actually be busy because I know she has a conference first week of January where she is in a competition for a presentation. I remember telling her that she should try to relax and not work too hard during her break and she responded by saying “no I can’t do that”. She is definitely a workaholic. But I don’t want to go down the road of making excuses for peoples actions.

 

I won’t be reaching out anymore. If she’s truly interested, I’ll hear from her.

 

That doesn't make her a workaholic but it makes you in that comment kind of prying/mommy like. Did she ask for your advice on what she should do? She can't relax at that time because she is in a competition for a presentation. One chance, right? So she has to do her best and perhaps she's passionate about it and it energizes her and she knows she "can't" slow down if she wants to put her best foot forward. Good for her for being so ambitious! Obviously if she said "I really want to, i hate my job but I can't relax- it's almost an obsession!" then she'd be sharing a potential issue she has with work-life balance.

For example- once in awhile my mother -she is my mother after all -will advise me to "slow down" because I'm pretty rigid about my exercise schedule even when everything else is so hectic, even if I'm feeling under the weather. She's my mother. She's allowed to annoy me that way. You've known this person a really short time. I would avoid the unsolicited advice especially about her professional life and goals.

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That doesn't make her a workaholic but it makes you in that comment kind of prying/mommy like. Did she ask for your advice on what she should do? She can't relax at that time because she is in a competition for a presentation. One chance, right? So she has to do her best and perhaps she's passionate about it and it energizes her and she knows she "can't" slow down if she wants to put her best foot forward. Good for her for being so ambitious! Obviously if she said "I really want to, i hate my job but I can't relax- it's almost an obsession!" then she'd be sharing a potential issue she has with work-life balance.

 

I have to agree with this, too. I have a couple of well-meaning friends who make comments like that and I find it irritating. I am a grown woman and don't appreicate when someone tells me what I "need", particularly if I don't know them well and/or they have no clue what they are talking about.

 

OP, I'm sure you said it with good intentions, but it's something to keep in mind for the future.

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Yes I will definitely keep that in mind for the future, just wanted her to enjoy her break and not feel too stressed but I get that she’s passionate about her work

 

If you want her to enjoy your break and that is your focus (as opposed to giving her advice to avoid being a workaholic) then you say "good luck with your project and I hope you enjoy your break!"

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If you want her to enjoy your break and that is your focus (as opposed to giving her advice to avoid being a workaholic) then you say "good luck with your project and I hope you enjoy your break!"

 

I think right now I’m just going to hang out the next couple of weeks and wait for her to contact me when she gets back. If not, I’ll have my answer for sure.

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I think right now I’m just going to hang out the next couple of weeks and wait for her to contact me when she gets back. If not, I’ll have my answer for sure.

 

Yes, i agree except don't "wait". Right now you do not have a next date planned so right now there is no next date. That could change next week or next year or never. So right now it's over. Nothing to "wait" for. Get out of the mindset of "waiting" as that means you're giving her space in your head. Which will impede you from being open to meeting others -open enough. You already have your answer because you don't have another date planned.

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It's smart of you to pull back and let her show you whether her interest perks up after her high stress time is behind her.

 

I remember telling her that she should try to relax and not work too hard during her break and she responded by saying “no I can’t do that”.

 

Two words I try to avoid using together are "you" and "should." It's called 'shoulding' on someone, and it's often taken that way.

 

Head high.

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It's smart of you to pull back and let her show you whether her interest perks up after her high stress time is behind her.

 

 

 

Two words I try to avoid using together are "you" and "should." It's called 'shoulding' on someone, and it's often taken that way.

 

Head high.

 

Thank you :) I like that phrase, “ ‘shoulding’ on someone”. I definitely should not do that in the future

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i guess i see this COMPLETELY differently and disagree with everybody (explain later)

 

What i DO agre with is that you dial it back, let her pursue you a little and let her initiate to confirm HER interest in you. (I'm willing to bet if you dial it back, be patient, she in fact WILL do this).

 

Now here is why I disagree with eveyrbody else.

1. She's a PhD student. You of anybody - in this field - no how time consuming PhD pursuits can be.

2. She is also working on TOP of her PhD studies and is "passionate about her work". I see her "busyness" and lack of being able to communicate constantly as a natural and reasonably explainable circumstance of a PhD student who is also working with a passion at the same time. (When i was in an accelerated Bachelor's program for audio engineering and films, all of us basically had ZERO social life or free time for 2 years and lost touch with all friends and family... wans't even a PHD! But it was definitely very demanding schoolwork and schedules!)

3. She IS putting in great effort into your dates WHEN YOU HAVE THEM and the last date you had she invited yo in and you slept together. If she weren't attracted or interseted in somethign with you she woudln't do that would she? This is a female we're talking about - not a male!

4. We have to take into account HER personality - not the personalities of the peopl on this board and how WE WOULD all act - but undertand HER and how SHE would act. She seems to have acted consistently from the start.

 

To me, these are not the ultimate actions of somebody completely un-interested. When you're in contact she wants to make sure the logistics of your dates (she isn't blowing you off unless she's sick or somethign comes up) - yet you STILL end up going out. She still ends up making herself up real nice for you. She invites you into her place. She sleeps with you and YOU LEFT due to your pet - she never kicked you out.

 

i think what MIGHT be going on here more is - she might just be one of those personalities where she just gets to the facts, isn't about the fluff, and doens't have time for fluff given her studies and work. It doesn't allow her time to fluff. So time if of the essence - whatever she is spending time on she is 100% focused on that (just as she is to you when you ARE on a date...). That is what I'm reading or the vibe i got reading your post about her.

 

Now it is ALSO possible she's just using you for sex and companionship. Taht could be true and we shall see. But that's interest. Its just a different type of interest, and not the interest you have for her. But it's not "she's jsut not interested in you" because peopel not interested just dont' sleep together. They may be interested in just sleeping with you - but that's not "no interest."

 

The last thing I want to say is.. it's the HOlidays. HOW MANY TIMES do peopel get freaked out because the new person they're dating "goes quiet" during the Holidays??? PEOPLE... ITS THE HOLIDAYS! We all have family obligations and all taht jazz that's very time consuming and STRESSFUL for some people. We have shopping to do, travel arrangements many times, and most people have to deal with MULTIPLE families what with the high divorce rate these days so DOUBLE-UP or TRIPLE-UP on those obligations! it happens EVERY year. So i keep reminding people - DON'T take what happens during the HOlidays personal. its the holidays. its family time. If you're a new dating relationship - sorry.. but family comes first. Whether they want it that way or not - and they SHOUDL want their family first... right?

 

So... yes your ultimate plan is the best way to go. Wish her a terrific Holiday... let her do her family obligation thing and settle back in afterwards. Tell her to let you know when she's free after new years... and then LET her come to you.

 

But as for the rest. I got a completely different vibe than everybody else on this one. WE shall see who ends up being right... everybody... or me. :)

 

btw.. have a terrific holiday yourself and let this one go for a couple weeks and don't worry about it until after new year's. you owe it to yourself to take a breath, enjoy family, enjoy the holidays. This will ALL still be there come January. We can pick it back up then and see what's what... :)

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I don't think she is completely uninterested. I think she has interest in meeting up and hanging out/going on a date when it's convenient for her and when the OP plans it. But the OP wants more and they are incompatible in that way. I dated when I was extremely busy and had an intense career/social life and dated very busy people like me. When they were interested in pursuing a serious relationship they made the time. Period. I think from the beginning of her interactions with this person she has been the main pursuer and this woman has been lukewarm at best.

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i guess i see this COMPLETELY differently and disagree with everybody (explain later)

 

What i DO agre with is that you dial it back, let her pursue you a little and let her initiate to confirm HER interest in you. (I'm willing to bet if you dial it back, be patient, she in fact WILL do this).

 

Now here is why I disagree with eveyrbody else.

1. She's a PhD student. You of anybody - in this field - no how time consuming PhD pursuits can be.

2. She is also working on TOP of her PhD studies and is "passionate about her work". I see her "busyness" and lack of being able to communicate constantly as a natural and reasonably explainable circumstance of a PhD student who is also working with a passion at the same time. (When i was in an accelerated Bachelor's program for audio engineering and films, all of us basically had ZERO social life or free time for 2 years and lost touch with all friends and family... wans't even a PHD! But it was definitely very demanding schoolwork and schedules!)

3. She IS putting in great effort into your dates WHEN YOU HAVE THEM and the last date you had she invited yo in and you slept together. If she weren't attracted or interseted in somethign with you she woudln't do that would she? This is a female we're talking about - not a male!

4. We have to take into account HER personality - not the personalities of the peopl on this board and how WE WOULD all act - but undertand HER and how SHE would act. She seems to have acted consistently from the start.

 

To me, these are not the ultimate actions of somebody completely un-interested. When you're in contact she wants to make sure the logistics of your dates (she isn't blowing you off unless she's sick or somethign comes up) - yet you STILL end up going out. She still ends up making herself up real nice for you. She invites you into her place. She sleeps with you and YOU LEFT due to your pet - she never kicked you out.

 

i think what MIGHT be going on here more is - she might just be one of those personalities where she just gets to the facts, isn't about the fluff, and doens't have time for fluff given her studies and work. It doesn't allow her time to fluff. So time if of the essence - whatever she is spending time on she is 100% focused on that (just as she is to you when you ARE on a date...). That is what I'm reading or the vibe i got reading your post about her.

 

Now it is ALSO possible she's just using you for sex and companionship. Taht could be true and we shall see. But that's interest. Its just a different type of interest, and not the interest you have for her. But it's not "she's jsut not interested in you" because peopel not interested just dont' sleep together. They may be interested in just sleeping with you - but that's not "no interest."

 

The last thing I want to say is.. it's the HOlidays. HOW MANY TIMES do peopel get freaked out because the new person they're dating "goes quiet" during the Holidays??? PEOPLE... ITS THE HOLIDAYS! We all have family obligations and all taht jazz that's very time consuming and STRESSFUL for some people. We have shopping to do, travel arrangements many times, and most people have to deal with MULTIPLE families what with the high divorce rate these days so DOUBLE-UP or TRIPLE-UP on those obligations! it happens EVERY year. So i keep reminding people - DON'T take what happens during the HOlidays personal. its the holidays. its family time. If you're a new dating relationship - sorry.. but family comes first. Whether they want it that way or not - and they SHOUDL want their family first... right?

 

So... yes your ultimate plan is the best way to go. Wish her a terrific Holiday... let her do her family obligation thing and settle back in afterwards. Tell her to let you know when she's free after new years... and then LET her come to you.

 

But as for the rest. I got a completely different vibe than everybody else on this one. WE shall see who ends up being right... everybody... or me. :)

 

btw.. have a terrific holiday yourself and let this one go for a couple weeks and don't worry about it until after new year's. you owe it to yourself to take a breath, enjoy family, enjoy the holidays. This will ALL still be there come January. We can pick it back up then and see what's what... :)

 

Thank you for your post. I do agree with a lot of the things you mentioned which is why I’m very confused about her. In a sense I feel like she likes me but I’m completely basing this off of my own personal actions. For example, if I wasn’t interested in someone, not only would I not text them but I definitely would not want to go out with them again.

 

The thing is though, I feel like she is always the one to cut dates short. First date, she mentioned she was getting tired but that “we could do it” and we ended up staying til the place closed. Second date, she ended the date by just saying “you ready?” As in ready to leave. Third date, I asked her what she had in mind after the comedy show we went to ended and she said that we could drive back and have a nightcap at her house if we were feeling it.

 

Now after we slept together, we were cuddling and talking a bit. She then asked if I wanted some pjs to change into. I don’t know if this is my insecurities coming into play, but I feel like that line was a way to get me to leave? I mean she knows I have a dog and that I wouldn’t be able to stay so maybe she brought that up just so I could say that I have to go home? I tend to read into things a bit much so this might be one of those situations.

 

Anyway, I will be enjoying the holidays and if she reaches out when she gets back in town, then we can go from there.

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