Confused. Was I rude?

This is about someone I met online a week ago. We met on a dating site, both new to online dating. We talked every day for a week and yesterday he asked for my phone number and I gave it to him but since I would be going out he said he'd call me the next morning.

So, I did go out and, unfortunately, as it turned out, I went online when I came back home. He was online, too, we talked for a while and he asked about my evening. I told him I had gone to a restaurant with friends and I asked about his evening, too.

He said he had taken his dog for a walk. I said that's great and he said not really. I asked why, he said 'it's not nice to walk alone on empty streets''. So, I asked him if he has any friends. He said he must be a very bad person because he doesn't have any friends but it's late, I'll call you in the morning and we'll talk. I said I doubt he's a bad person but, yes, let's talk in the morning. We said our goodnights and that was that.

He didn't call the next morning and when I went to the site, I found out he had left me a message saying that our conversation had ''annoyed him enough'' and there was no point in talking any more. I asked for clarification but he said ''you're a grown woman, think about it''.

I have thought about it and the thing that seemed to annoy him was the friends question. Do you think it was rude? It really didn't feel rude during the conversation.

I'm just very confused!

Although you insinuated he "has no friends", it sounds like you dodged a bullet given his nasty cryptic response. This is a delete and block situation. Next time skip all the "how was your day" chitchat and keep messages for arranging to meet asap.

he said 'it's not nice to walk alone on empty streets''. So, I asked him if he has any friends. he had left me a message saying that our conversation had ''annoyed him enough'' and there was no point in talking any more. I asked for clarification but he said ''you're a grown woman, think about it''.

He said he had taken his dog for a walk. I said that's great and he said not really. I asked why, he said 'it's not nice to walk alone on empty streets''. So, I asked him if he has any friends. He said he must be a very bad person because he doesn't have any friends but it's late, I'll call you in the morning and we'll talk. I said I doubt he's a bad person but, yes, let's talk in the morning. We said our goodnights and that was that.

 

He didn't call the next morning and when I went to the site, I found out he had left me a message saying that our conversation had ''annoyed him enough'' and there was no point in talking any more. I asked for clarification but he said ''you're a grown woman, think about it''.

You were not the rude one in this equation, OP.

This guy doesn't have all his crackers stacked. I don't know what sort of mature and healthy adult openly and bitterly admits to a stranger that he has no friends and laments he must be a bad person.

Don't stress it. You dodged a bullet.

Well, seeing as you're new to online dating, I will say that you should get yourself prepared because there are a lot of "weird" people on online dating. And I'm afraid that this guy was one of them. You were just trying to be friendly and make conversation by asking about the dog and the guy got very full-on and self-pitiful. I do think that the question "Do you have any friends?" does sort of sound like maybe you're insinuating they don't have any, but you didn't mean it that way and the guy obviously just has a lot of issues, so he took them out on you.

I agree with all the others -move on- been there and I can relate!!

I do think that asking him if he had any friends is odd and, depending on the tone, could be considered rude.

He talked about not liking walking his dog alone on a street, which is simply a fact. People have to walk their dogs every day, and 99% of the people in my neighborhood are walking them alone.

For you to jump to a question insinuating that he has no friends was probably insulting and hurtful. Plus, the tone matters. And the question itself asks for a defensive response. Of course I have friends, you **%*^%.

It's just such a large leap: this guy, who is probably middle-aged, simply stated a fact about empty streets and walking alone, and you jumped to an insinuation about his entire life, assuming that for all the decades he's been alive, that he has no friends. That's hurtful.

Asking someone if they have any friends is assuming that they don't, and that's a rough assumption. I'd be offended by that.

Honestly, I would have said the same as you... He brought up being alone, it's not unreasonable to ask about friends. Depends exactly how you said it I suppose.

But anyway, it's been a week so you don't really know each other so don't think about it too much.

I think he mentioned the "alone on empty streets" from a safety standpoint.

He didn't simply say that he hates being "alone". He added the "empty streets".

Plus, he could have meant being "alone" rather than in a meaningful relationship.

I mean, who calls their friends every time they need to walk their dog?

The question should have been "Why?" rather than an assumption that he has no friends.

It depends on how you said it, or asked it.

If you said "don't you have any friends"? that does sound a bit rude, it assumes he has no friends, and suggests something is wrong with him for not having friends.

And if he doesn't have have any friends, he's probably very sensitive about it.

But even if he does, the assumption alone is a bit offputting, imo.

I'm imagining a man I just started chatting with asking me that question, I would immediately feel on the defensive, but then again I am very sensitive.

But it would put me off I think.

From his negative statements, he sounds like a pessimistic person who is defensive about things. No wonder he has no friends. Don't give any more thoughts to some online flea you only invested mere days chatting with. I know how frustrating OLD is because I did it for several years. If you haven't tried meet up.com, use that as another tool that's a bit less stressful. I only found out about, and attended a few meetups shortly before meeting my husband on OLD.Good luck and happy holidays.

It depends on how you said it, or asked it.

 

If you said "don't you have any friends"? that does sound a bit rude, it assumes he has no friends, and suggests something is wrong with him for not having friends.

 

And if he doesn't have have any friends, he's probably very sensitive about it.

 

But even if he does, the assumption alone is a bit offputting, imo.

 

I'm imagining a man I just started chatting with asking me that question, I would immediately feel on the defensive, but then again I am very sensitive.

 

But it would put me off I think.

^That said, I think his message was even more rude and completely unnecessary.

Consider it a bullet dodged.

It all depends... Like I can see it from his perspective I can imagine if he doesn't have friends then maybe he took offensive of you asking him if he had any.

Personally that would have not been the forest thing that would come to mind him saying he is walking alone with his dog. I think I would have joked about going for a walk with him and his dog (but I love dogs).

Still he was seeking sympathy for walking his dog alone. I'm not sure why. My friends have dogs and guess what they walk there dog's alone. Same with my neighbors. To be that's a normal activity to do on your own.

That said I don't think you was rude. It struck a chord with him that you was not to know.

His reply was very childish but again him not having friends must really get to him.

You have had a lucky escape.

As you are new to online dating all I can say is... Prepare yourself for the weirdness to continue lol

Best of luck

I think he was hinting that he wants to walk the dog with you (or a SO generally).

It wasn’t rude to ask, but kind of weird. His response was definitely over the top.

I do think that asking him if he had any friends is odd and, depending on the tone, could be considered rude.

 

He talked about not liking walking his dog alone on a street, which is simply a fact. People have to walk their dogs every day, and 99% of the people in my neighborhood are walking them alone.

 

For you to jump to a question insinuating that he has no friends was probably insulting and hurtful. Plus, the tone matters. And the question itself asks for a defensive response. Of course I have friends, you **%*^%.

 

It's just such a large leap: this guy, who is probably middle-aged, simply stated a fact about empty streets and walking alone, and you jumped to an insinuation about his entire life, assuming that for all the decades he's been alive, that he has no friends. That's hurtful.

 

Asking someone if they have any friends is assuming that they don't, and that's a rough assumption. I'd be offended by that.

I think this is, perhaps, what he felt like.

Unfortunately, he didn't give me a chance to apologise. I would have if he had told me he was offended by my question.

I think online dating is harder than I thought.

I think this is, perhaps, what he felt like.

 

Unfortunately, he didn't give me a chance to apologise. I would have if he had told me he was offended by my question.

 

I think online dating is harder than I thought.

I think that's the thing, Eliza. You made what you considered to be a random, innocent comment, but due to his own issues and insecurities, he took it completely in the negative.

An analogy might be, say someone used to have bad acne, but they are clear-skinned, and you meet them as a clear-skinned person. They lived a lifetime with acne, so they know how that feels, even though it doesn't "show". Someone comes along and sees person with acne and makes a negative comment....well that person might take offense, but the person who said it doesn't realize they hit a nerve.

That said, you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells with everyone you talk to. Be yourself, and don't worry when someone ghosts you.

Head high. Online dating is definitely harder than you thought. My mom tells me all the time she doesn't understand why it's so hard for me, because she sees all these wonderful ads on t.v. with such "nice people". Ugh.

I think, depending on how you asked him, it could be construed as rude (like the other posters have mentioned).

If I’m chatting with a guy online and he asks, “Well don’t you have any friends?”, I’d find it a bit abrasive.

At the same time, this guy’s response was pretty rude and passive aggressive.

Me thinks you dodged a bullet though. He sounds a bit on the angry side.

I’d just be more aware, from your end, the tone of any messages you send out and how they might be received before you hit the ‘send’ button.

So I reread what you wrote and I don't understand the assumption on your part that someone who has friends would be able to find someone to walk with him at night if that is what he wanted. I have friends and it's hard enough to plan a lunch date let alone a random "come with me to walk my dog". He certainly overreacted but your question was kind of odd. Reminds me of times people have expressed real surprise when I've shared that I'm going to see a movie alone (done that many times, plan to keep on doing so because I have friends and would rather go alone then risk not seeing it because of having to coordinate with someone else) "you're going ALONE!?" As if I don't have friends to go with. Just giving that as an example.

Dodged a bullet.

The fact that this dude has "no friends" would be a deal breaker for me. His response is also bizarre.

Expect more from a partner.

So I reread what you wrote and I don't understand the assumption on your part that someone who has friends would be able to find someone to walk with him at night if that is what he wanted. I have friends and it's hard enough to plan a lunch date let alone a random "come with me to walk my dog". He certainly overreacted but your question was kind of odd. Reminds me of times people have expressed real surprise when I've shared that I'm going to see a movie alone (done that many times, plan to keep on doing so because I have friends and would rather go alone then risk not seeing it because of having to coordinate with someone else) "you're going ALONE!?" As if I don't have friends to go with. Just giving that as an example.

Agreed entirely with this.

Plus on the movie thing - it is by default not a social activity. Going alone seems more normal!

I am always grateful when someone shows they are a sociopath or unpleasantly weird early on so none of my time is wasted on them. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't end up in his freezer if he has that kind of short fuse. Yes, the online dating will be a minefield which is the reason that people encourage brief chatting/texting before meeting in a public place for coffee. I think it helps to set your mind to this being a project that may take some time. There may be many to meet quickly before you find someone worthwhile.

From his negative statements, he sounds like a pessimistic person who is defensive about things. No wonder he has no friends. Don't give any more thoughts to some online flea you only invested mere days chatting with. I know how frustrating OLD is because I did it for several years. If you haven't tried meet up.com, use that as another tool that's a bit less stressful. I only found out about, and attended a few meetups shortly before meeting my husband on OLD.Good luck and happy holidays.

"Online flea." LOL!!!!!

Agreed entirely with this.

 

Plus on the movie thing - it is by default not a social activity. Going alone seems more normal!

Wow that is a great point. I always thought it was about socializing even though you're watching a movie. Famous movie scene -Matt Dillon, a teenager calls across the room to a teenage girl "hey! wanna go to a movie Saturday night?" "Yes!!!". "Well have a great time!"

Add me to the movies alone thing!

I go to movies alone all the time. In fact, most of the time.

And I too get the question, "Oh, you don't have anyone to go with?" While I'm not offended by it, it's just a strange question. Of course I have people I could go with, but by the time we coordinate it, get there, and sit in silence for 2 hours, I could just go by myself.

Off topic.....Eliza, consider this a bullet dodged, as yes, your question was odd, but his response was way worse. And no, you don't want to end up in someone's freezer, lol!

I am always grateful when someone shows they are a sociopath or unpleasantly weird early on so none of my time is wasted on them. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't end up in his freezer if he has that kind of short fuse. Yes, the online dating will be a minefield which is the reason that people encourage brief chatting/texting before meeting in a public place for coffee. I think it helps to set your mind to this being a project that may take some time. There may be many to meet quickly before you find someone worthwhile.

Add me to the movies alone thing!

 

I go to movies alone all the time. In fact, most of the time.

 

And I too get the question, "Oh, you don't have anyone to go with?" While I'm not offended by it, it's just a strange question. Of course I have people I could go with, but by the time we coordinate it, get there, and sit in silence for 2 hours, I could just go by myself.

 

Off topic.....Eliza, consider this a bullet dodged, as yes, your question was odd, but his response was way worse. And no, you don't want to end up in someone's freezer, lol!

Yes! Agree with all! Love the creativity here from fleas to freezers!

So I reread what you wrote and I don't understand the assumption on your part that someone who has friends would be able to find someone to walk with him at night if that is what he wanted. I have friends and it's hard enough to plan a lunch date let alone a random "come with me to walk my dog". He certainly overreacted but your question was kind of odd. Reminds me of times people have expressed real surprise when I've shared that I'm going to see a movie alone (done that many times, plan to keep on doing so because I have friends and would rather go alone then risk not seeing it because of having to coordinate with someone else) "you're going ALONE!?" As if I don't have friends to go with. Just giving that as an example.

I agree with this.

I didn't get why anyone would need someone to walk their dog. So asking if he had friends confused me a little.

Yes the cinema should be a lone activity. I hate the suggestion of doing this with friends or a date (unless you still act like teenagers). I don't do it as I'm not a massive fan of the cinema but know people that do and people are shocked when they say it. Bizzare!