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Claire86

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Dear Forum Users,

 

I‘m hoping for some advice. I‘ve been with my boyfriend for six years. We‘ve always had problems. But still stuck together. A year ago we moved in together, which has always been my dream and I also love our new apartment. I know he loves me. Our biggest problem in the last years was that we rarely have sex anymore. First I didn‘t want it anymore because I was stressed at work. Then because I didn’t find him attractive anymore. He doesn’t work out and he’s neglecting his personal hygiene. He’s still an attractive guy and he has gotten better with helping around the house and he knows that I don’t like to kiss him when he hasn’t brushed his teeth so he tries to do this more often. He doesn’t take a shower every day but maybe twice a week. So on weekends when we could get intimate he probably would shower before. When we cuddle he often farts which destroys the mood. Sorry for being too descriptive..

I don’t know if we could get back into having sex more regularly.

Otherwise we work okay and living together is also good. I know he takes care of me, we cook together, we talk and we like to watch movies together. During the week he is often home late from work so mostly we spend time on the weekends. He says at some point he would want kids but no real plans have been made. Since he’s so involved in work he wouldn’t be a great help. He has let me down lots of times in the past. I have always had to be the reliable and responsible person in this relationship. Although his reliability has improved during the last year.

 

Now the biggest problem: more than a year ago I started getting closer to a colleague. First nothing happened but then 10 months ago we started an affair. Sex is amazing with him. I also like spending time with him and talking to him. We agree on the number of kids we would have. I don’t know how an everyday relationship would look like because we never had that. He is married but unhappily. He says he wanted to break up the marriage for a long time and plans to talk to his wife on what to do. If she wanted to try it one more time he would have to, though. They have two kids - 17 and 22 who still live at home. They and the house they own are his biggest concerns.

 

What should I do? I feel torn. And unhappy. When the affair offered to talk to his wife I often told him not to because I felt that then I would have to break up too. My new plan is to wait and see if he will go through with it (he plans to in the new year). Otherwise I will never know if I always stop him.

I‘m so in love with him, he makes me crazy, his smell, the way he kisses me, the sex. We can also talk, he’s funny.. Maybe he’s the one..?

 

I have talked to my bf about what I’m unhappy and that I find other guys attractive. He says he doesn’t want to break up and sex is not that important to him. So now I would like to try with him one last time. And it’s going pretty good so far. I don’t know if I should give up something that is going ok or pretty good for the dream of something else which is unrealistically good.

 

 

Still I don’t feel good about the whole thing but don’t know what else to do.. I may seem like a bad person now but I feel bad all the time. I know it’s wrong and manipulative to try with my bf now but still have the other guy in the back of my mind. At the moment I at least told the affair that we shouldn’t spend time alone until things have been decided. So we see each other at work but i’m Trying to not let anything else happen. I also feel bad to let him have the conversation with his wife while I’m not even sure if I would follow him in breaking up with my bf. However - I talked to my bf before and the affair needed more time. And if I keep on holding him back I will never know. Also - he wants to have a first talk with his wife in which he doesn’t mention me but wants to talk about the general things he’s unhappy about. He doesn’t make any promises to me so why should I? Still... if he pulled through with it and I wouldn’t I would feel like having made false promises.

 

I know it’s a lot.. Do you have any advice?

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you are in two bad and self defeating relationships. A passionate sexual one with the married guy and a passionless roommate situation with your bf.

 

You seem stalled out waiting for both of them to change. You hope married guy gets divorced and you hope your slovenly unattractive roommate/bf cleans up his act and moves forward with marriage kids etc..

 

The reason this is painful is because you have put all the power and control into wishing and hoping for them to change, something you have no control over. Eventually married guy will end the affair. By then you and your roommate/bf will be older and the animosity/resentment will have grown. Alternatively he will find out and kick you out.

 

You are in a precarious position borne of your own design. Only you can control your future by deciding what you want. There are better choices than a dead end passionless live-in situation and a dead end affair with a married man. Sadly those are the only two you are considering.

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I think you need to end your relationship regardless of what your affair partner does or doesn't do. You are not happy and have resorted to cheating; that is your cue that you are already gone.

 

My prediction is that the other man will talk to his wife, not mention he's been cheating, and will "re-commit" to the marriage when he sees how upset she is and how upset his kids would be. You're likely to be left in the dust in any case.

 

I would break up with your boyfriend and tell your other man to contact you only if he leaves his wife. That will give you an idea if he is really serious about you, though I would not get your hopes up. But, at least you will be free to pursue other men who are available and a better match for you.

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Break up with both of them and spend some time alone, and get some therapy, to understand why you are doing all of this.

 

Spend at least one year alone. As in, zero dates, zero texts, just you and your therapist.

 

Get to the root of why you are in not one, but two dead-end relationships, and why you don't seem the least bit empathetic towards all the lives you are affecting: your poor boyfriend, your affair's wife, your affairs grown kids....that's what, 4 people who will hurt? But all you're concerned with is your own happiness.

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You can never go wrong with treating people the way you'd like to be treated. If a guy thought you were unattractive and your behaviors disgusted him, would you want to be with him? Wouldn't you want him to break up with you to free you to find someone who could be crazy about you? Let him go.

 

If you wouldn't want a spouse cheating on you, and have him telling his mistress how horrible your marriage is, why are you being so unethical by bedding a taken man? And are you really that naive to think he would be faithful to you if he left his wife? He has poor ethics too, and most of the time it takes an epiphany for a person to change his ethics. And no, you're not that special woman who will make him transform him into someone he's not. He chose a taken woman because he only wants a sidepiece who shares his crappy ethics.

 

Dig yourself out of the stinking garbage pile. Be alone. Use this time to make major changes in your ethics, behavior, and a plan for being a good partner to a future man. Otherwise, you will continue to make poor life choices.

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I had already talked to my bf and told him what bothers me and that I don’t know if ever I would find him attractive in that way again and that I thought it best to break up because I find other men attractive and sexy but not him though I do love him in other ways. He didn’t really address that just said he doesn’t want to let me go and I shouldn’t be so negative.

 

I know me and the married guy are a cliche. But he has been faithful to his wife for decades. The last years he grew unhappy as it happens. But stayed with her out of habit, the kids, the house. Understandable. We do get along very well in many ways. Also something that can happen.

The world isn’t just black or white!

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The world isn’t just black or white!

 

Actually it is.

 

If you believe the Bible, one of the Ten Commandments is very black & white: Thou Shalt not commit adultery.

 

If you are not religious, but you have simple ethics, this is a black & white issue.

 

There are children involved.

 

It's actually the very definition of a black & white issue.

 

Adultery: wrong. Adultery where there are children involved: very wrong.

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If you read my post you would see that I don’t think the situation is ok. How is his wife and kids my responsibility? Plus I told him to come clean a few times but can’t force him to do anything

 

Yes I see a lot of unhappy and frustrated people here so probably not the best place to get advice. My mistake

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I find it interesting that people still believe an adulterer when they say they've never cheated before.

 

If what you're doing isn't so bad, why not tell your alleged boyfriend? Tell him everything isn't black and white.

 

And yeah, this site is not the place to look for affair support. Many posters on here have been cheated on. If you ever had, your blase opinion of cheating might be very different.

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If you read my post you would see that I don’t think the situation is ok. How is his wife and kids my responsibility? Plus I told him to come clean a few times but can’t force him to do anything

 

Yes I see a lot of unhappy and frustrated people here so probably not the best place to get advice. My mistake

I am not unhappy at all. I have created a good and happy life. If you feel what you are doing his family is none of your responsibility have mercy on you. Really.

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Almost every person who posts here involved in cheating falls back and states "the world isn't black and white" and some variation of "you can't judge me, you are terrible sad people".

 

If you really want to change yourself, I'd suggest therapy. It's an objective professional there to help you sort out the underlying things in you ( beliefs, behaviours, etc) that got you where you are and to change them.

 

People don't get in this type of situation by mistake but a long series of choices. If you want different, it will be a lot of self work. Up to you if you think it's worth it.

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You can't trust him-if he can screw around with you for nearly a year he's def done this with others in the past.

 

Leaving the wife and unhappy= A lie

 

Also just cos it's not YOUR wife and not YOUR kids doesn't mean you have no part in this and it's not your responsibility! As a human being, showing some compassion should be a no brainer.

 

What you're doing is extremely selfish and toxic. I also believe in karma so---

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Wow so you cheat on your partner with a married man and then try to justify it but saying his wife and kid "aren't your problem?" That's some kind of cold.

 

My advice? Dump your poor boyfriend. It's unlikely the married guy will leave his wife but at least your boyfriend will be free from a cheating partner.

 

And if by some miracle the married guy does leave his wife you can have kids with him and live happily ever after.

 

Or more likely he will cheat on you too and leave you wondering why you didn't see it coming.

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Wow so you cheat on your partner with a married man and then try to justify it but saying his wife and kid "aren't your problem?" That's some kind of cold.

 

You skipped the part where she also called us "unhappy and frustrated people".

 

You're right, I am unhappy and frustrated. It makes me very unhappy and frustrated when someone not only cheats on their own partner, but participates in potentially breaking up a marriage, while then deflecting and turning it back on those who were asked for advice in the first place.

 

Other than that, I'm a pretty happy camper actually. :p Carry on.

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Let's be honest here. You didn't come here for advice. You know exactly what you're doing and what you want. You just want reassurance. The Married man is the one you want to be with. You're BF is the backup plan you're keeping around in case the married man never leaves his wife. Since I believe that actions speak louder than words I would say if he hasn't left by now he won't. Why would he? He can have his cake and eat it too. Just do what you're planning to do anyway. Just hope his wife doesn't take him to the cleaners in the divorce, because like my dad always said "woman always find out...always."

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You asked for advice. You didn’t specify that it be easy to hear or advice that wouldn’t upset you. Here’s mine anyway......

 

Just break up with the boyfriend. He’s gross! Sorry but only showering twice a week! Yuk! And think, that’s not going to get better after you marry and have kids. Be done with him.

 

As for you AP. If he did ever leave his wife(he won’t, they never do, sorry, but it’s true) and you did have a relationship, you would wonder, after a while, if he was cheating on you, and he probably would. After all, he cheated on his wife and had two kids in the mix too.

 

So both are dead weight.

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Every so often a cheater comes here explaining how bad their relationship is and using that as a justification for cheating. Of course it is never a reason or excuse other than to leave the relationship. Letting some married guy put his penis in you did nothing to improve anything, on the contrast it made maters worse as you are now a selfish cheater.

 

Stop using people and get out of the relationship you are in, get your own life going the way you want it to be AND then start dating from a healthy place.

 

It is kind of sad how someone can convince themselves what they are doing is okay no matter how bad it is or how many it hurts because of poor hygiene.

 

Lost

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Wow, what a train wreck (situation not you)

 

It seems you came here looking for validation to what you're doing. You aren't looking for advice because you've gotten some good advice and seemed to be put off by it.

 

You're being greedy and selfish. You are using your boyfriend for companionship and security meanwhile living a lie behind his back and cheating on him. You said you talked to him, I bet you left out the part where you're cheating on him.

 

Secondly you aren't responsible for the other man's wife. You are responsible for you and you're making completely morally reprehensible behavior and pretending that you have no culpability in it.

 

Yes you didn't marry his wife. But you can be a decent person and walk away. You can't make him not cheat on her. But you can make him not cheat on her with you.

 

Have some respect for yourself, your boyfriend and the family you're helping to destroy.

 

Break up with your boyfriend. He deserves better even if he's not perfect himself. And break up with the other guy... If he cheated with you he'd cheat on you later.

 

Then go to therapy as suggested prior. Sheesh.

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You and this man are basically using each other while cheating and lying to your significant others. Wow.

 

What ever happened to adults being adults and ending things with whom they are with before they get involved with someone else?

 

It's a fairly simple concept.

 

Amazing how people can't do the basics and then try to justify their adultery and destroying innocent people.

 

Whatever you want to tell yourself..this entire situation is toxic and wrong.

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Your boyfriend deserves better, sorry. Give him the chance if finding someone who respects him and doesn't cheat on him by breaking up with him. Stop using people as safety nets/back up plans. And I won't even comment the married man situation because it's such a cliche. Have some empathy for God's sake.

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