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Thread: Decision

  1. #1
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    Decision

    Dear Forum Users,

    I‘m hoping for some advice. I‘ve been with my boyfriend for six years. We‘ve always had problems. But still stuck together. A year ago we moved in together, which has always been my dream and I also love our new apartment. I know he loves me. Our biggest problem in the last years was that we rarely have sex anymore. First I didn‘t want it anymore because I was stressed at work. Then because I didn’t find him attractive anymore. He doesn’t work out and he’s neglecting his personal hygiene. He’s still an attractive guy and he has gotten better with helping around the house and he knows that I don’t like to kiss him when he hasn’t brushed his teeth so he tries to do this more often. He doesn’t take a shower every day but maybe twice a week. So on weekends when we could get intimate he probably would shower before. When we cuddle he often farts which destroys the mood. Sorry for being too descriptive..
    I don’t know if we could get back into having sex more regularly.
    Otherwise we work okay and living together is also good. I know he takes care of me, we cook together, we talk and we like to watch movies together. During the week he is often home late from work so mostly we spend time on the weekends. He says at some point he would want kids but no real plans have been made. Since he’s so involved in work he wouldn’t be a great help. He has let me down lots of times in the past. I have always had to be the reliable and responsible person in this relationship. Although his reliability has improved during the last year.

    Now the biggest problem: more than a year ago I started getting closer to a colleague. First nothing happened but then 10 months ago we started an affair. Sex is amazing with him. I also like spending time with him and talking to him. We agree on the number of kids we would have. I don’t know how an everyday relationship would look like because we never had that. He is married but unhappily. He says he wanted to break up the marriage for a long time and plans to talk to his wife on what to do. If she wanted to try it one more time he would have to, though. They have two kids - 17 and 22 who still live at home. They and the house they own are his biggest concerns.

    What should I do? I feel torn. And unhappy. When the affair offered to talk to his wife I often told him not to because I felt that then I would have to break up too. My new plan is to wait and see if he will go through with it (he plans to in the new year). Otherwise I will never know if I always stop him.
    I‘m so in love with him, he makes me crazy, his smell, the way he kisses me, the sex. We can also talk, he’s funny.. Maybe he’s the one..?

    I have talked to my bf about what I’m unhappy and that I find other guys attractive. He says he doesn’t want to break up and sex is not that important to him. So now I would like to try with him one last time. And it’s going pretty good so far. I don’t know if I should give up something that is going ok or pretty good for the dream of something else which is unrealistically good.


    Still I don’t feel good about the whole thing but don’t know what else to do.. I may seem like a bad person now but I feel bad all the time. I know it’s wrong and manipulative to try with my bf now but still have the other guy in the back of my mind. At the moment I at least told the affair that we shouldn’t spend time alone until things have been decided. So we see each other at work but i’m Trying to not let anything else happen. I also feel bad to let him have the conversation with his wife while I’m not even sure if I would follow him in breaking up with my bf. However - I talked to my bf before and the affair needed more time. And if I keep on holding him back I will never know. Also - he wants to have a first talk with his wife in which he doesn’t mention me but wants to talk about the general things he’s unhappy about. He doesn’t make any promises to me so why should I? Still... if he pulled through with it and I wouldn’t I would feel like having made false promises.

    I know it’s a lot.. Do you have any advice?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you are in two bad and self defeating relationships. A passionate sexual one with the married guy and a passionless roommate situation with your bf.

    You seem stalled out waiting for both of them to change. You hope married guy gets divorced and you hope your slovenly unattractive roommate/bf cleans up his act and moves forward with marriage kids etc..

    The reason this is painful is because you have put all the power and control into wishing and hoping for them to change, something you have no control over. Eventually married guy will end the affair. By then you and your roommate/bf will be older and the animosity/resentment will have grown. Alternatively he will find out and kick you out.

    You are in a precarious position borne of your own design. Only you can control your future by deciding what you want. There are better choices than a dead end passionless live-in situation and a dead end affair with a married man. Sadly those are the only two you are considering.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 12-16-2018 at 07:31 AM.

  3. #3
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    I think you need to end your relationship regardless of what your affair partner does or doesn't do. You are not happy and have resorted to cheating; that is your cue that you are already gone.

    My prediction is that the other man will talk to his wife, not mention he's been cheating, and will "re-commit" to the marriage when he sees how upset she is and how upset his kids would be. You're likely to be left in the dust in any case.

    I would break up with your boyfriend and tell your other man to contact you only if he leaves his wife. That will give you an idea if he is really serious about you, though I would not get your hopes up. But, at least you will be free to pursue other men who are available and a better match for you.

  4. #4
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    Break up with both of them and spend some time alone, and get some therapy, to understand why you are doing all of this.

    Spend at least one year alone. As in, zero dates, zero texts, just you and your therapist.

    Get to the root of why you are in not one, but two dead-end relationships, and why you don't seem the least bit empathetic towards all the lives you are affecting: your poor boyfriend, your affair's wife, your affairs grown kids....that's what, 4 people who will hurt? But all you're concerned with is your own happiness.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You can never go wrong with treating people the way you'd like to be treated. If a guy thought you were unattractive and your behaviors disgusted him, would you want to be with him? Wouldn't you want him to break up with you to free you to find someone who could be crazy about you? Let him go.

    If you wouldn't want a spouse cheating on you, and have him telling his mistress how horrible your marriage is, why are you being so unethical by bedding a taken man? And are you really that naive to think he would be faithful to you if he left his wife? He has poor ethics too, and most of the time it takes an epiphany for a person to change his ethics. And no, you're not that special woman who will make him transform him into someone he's not. He chose a taken woman because he only wants a sidepiece who shares his crappy ethics.

    Dig yourself out of the stinking garbage pile. Be alone. Use this time to make major changes in your ethics, behavior, and a plan for being a good partner to a future man. Otherwise, you will continue to make poor life choices.

  7. #6
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    I had already talked to my bf and told him what bothers me and that I don’t know if ever I would find him attractive in that way again and that I thought it best to break up because I find other men attractive and sexy but not him though I do love him in other ways. He didn’t really address that just said he doesn’t want to let me go and I shouldn’t be so negative.

    I know me and the married guy are a cliche. But he has been faithful to his wife for decades. The last years he grew unhappy as it happens. But stayed with her out of habit, the kids, the house. Understandable. We do get along very well in many ways. Also something that can happen.
    The world isn’t just black or white!

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I feel sorry for the poor unsuspecting people, especially the kids.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Claire86
    The world isn’t just black or white!
    Actually it is.

    If you believe the Bible, one of the Ten Commandments is very black & white: Thou Shalt not commit adultery.

    If you are not religious, but you have simple ethics, this is a black & white issue.

    There are children involved.

    It's actually the very definition of a black & white issue.

    Adultery: wrong. Adultery where there are children involved: very wrong.

  10. #9
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    I think you are very wrong. To judge people like that who ask for help. I‘m out - thanks to the first two people who answered

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    As long as you think it would be ok for someone to mess around on your son or daughter and grandkids. I had a cheating father it makes the kids and spouse feel like crap for no need.

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