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Thread: Need some perspective

  1. #1
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    Need some perspective

    I will try to keep this short and to the point

    I have been with the same man for a little more than 2 years. He is Asian and I am Canadian. I have been in Asia for many years and this is his home country. He has also lived abroad and has had experience dating western women before.

    Early in the relationship he was in one city and I was in another. We saw each other on average, twice a month which worked out pretty well I thought. He had a good job working as a trader in a bank but always seemed stressed out about it. There were a couple of times he would change plans randomly sort of going back and forth about coming to visit. For example, he would make plans to come Friday and then change and say Saturday. After I would rearrange my weekend to accommodate the change, he would later text and say he changed his mind and was coming Friday. If I said I had already made plans, he would get angry but in a very passive aggressive way. It was one of those situations where you know the person is mad, but they turn it around and make you seem crazy for thinking that. I have to say, he did apologize one time and admitted to being a jerk. OK..moving forward.

    After dating for almost a year, he came to visit one weekend and was extremely distant. He would not sit near me, he was sleeping on the floor, acting just plain strange. At one point he started talking about how hot these women were on TV and then later blurted out if I would give him a BJ. It was odd and I just felt weird. Later on I confronted him. He said he just needed space. I told him FINE..why would you come all this way and insert yourself into MY SPACE and make me uncomfortable if YOU NEED SPACE??? He agreed and about 30 min. later told me he was quitting his job and moving to my city! I was blindsided. Moving on..

    So, less than a week later he is here. I felt something was off but really wanted this to work. He decided he would trade on his own and that would be his source of income. He got his own place about a 15 min. drive from mine. I have to say, I have pretty good intuition and something felt off. I decided to investigate a bit and uncovered that he was previously married, divorced and had a son. He always told me he was never married before. Yeah, another blindside. I was shocked, hurt and devastated. But, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided to just love him unconditionally.

    Over the last year, his moods have been erratic. He loves me and cannot get enough of me one weekend but by the middle of the following week, he is distant and cold. Numerous times he shuts me up, tells me he doesn't want to talk, even if I simply ask if he has plans for the weekend. Logically, I know this is wrong and logically I know I am an idiot but I just get sucked in all the time.

    When we met, I had a dog. He was older and not very well. He fell in love with him immediately and five months later he passed away. This dog was my life, MY BEST FRIEND. I was not ready for another one but he sort of pressed the issue a lot. Finally I did it for him and got a puppy. He loves this dog as much as I do. Actually, I am wondering if he is sticking around just for the dog. Him loving my baby is amazing and it warms my heart but I also feel as if he is tolerating me just to maintain contact with my dog. Could be my imagination but who knows.

    We had one amazing weekend together. The next weekend he walked into my house, sat down, pulled out his phone and blurted out, I am moving (to another city). No eye contact, not explanation, just that. He then played with my dog, told my dog he loved him and left.

    The next day I was livid. I texted him....would have preferred a one on one but to be honest, I never wanted to see him again. I told him to get the hell out of my life and never come around again.

    He rapid called, texted....panic mode. He showed up at my place. I couldn't tolerate it so asked him to leave. He did. The next day, he shows up at lunch time with his laundry!!!! ??? I shut the door on him and told him to go away. He did....more rapid texting.

    Finally, I told him I am not intentionally punishing him, I need time away to process.

    SO....as this thing usually goes, I forgive and move on and hope everything will be ok

    We talked a lot. We spent Friday night together which was great. Just like old times. We had stopped spending nights together awhile back. The only time I saw him was when he was here with the dog. Then he would leave.

    He went back to his hometown to see his son.

    Returned Tuesday.....tells me his 10 year old son spent the night on his cell phone and he ended up telling his son he hated him, (oh, I forgot, he told me he hated me too....while we were talking.....) hit his son and smashed his cell phone.

    Now, we are into the weekend. Xmas party last night, he wouldn't go with me. I come home and as soon as I walk in he leaves.

    Hmmm....

    I feel absolutely alone, angry, hurt and most of all pissed at myself for not being able to break this off. I am reading this and thinking is this really my life? Am I one of those women? By the way, I am 51 and he is 49.

    Please go easy on me....I know what the responses will be.

    I want to add, there is another side to him that is extremely generous and caring. I know he has a good heart. I have seen his compassion many times. I know he feels guilt. I know he is having money issues, although he has never once asked me for a dime. He has a lot of pride and would spend his last dollar on me rather than admit he is hurting financially. He has said he wants to go back to the bank to work.

    His love for my dog is sweet. He is always ready to help me if I need it. During the time I have met him, both my parents passed away and he was here for me 100 percent.

    is this relationship doomed? I do love him.

  2. #2
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    You should never love a partner unconditionally. Very foolish! Once you had found out that he had lied about his marital status and kid, you should have walked. That was huge!!! You should never compromise your self worth for anyone!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 12-15-2018 at 11:23 PM.

  3. #3
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    He does not love or respect you. This is clear. BTW, no one is a jerk all the time. Find your self respect and end this now.

    Do you have a social life outside of this creep? Have you met his friends or family?

    In the future, do not allow people to treat you like this. If there is lying, then leave

  4. #4
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    I'm with Hollyj on this. He lied and deceived you about being married, divorced and having a son. That would have been it for me, and any other rational woman. For reasons I cannot fathom you persisted with this temperamental irrational man. I really thought you both were early 20s as it sounds like he is immature and you are too naive to kick him to the curb. The fact you are older is shocking to me.

    I hope you have ended it with him, he's got some massive issues and is unstable and unpredictable. I believe you dont love him, you love what you think he should be, but he isnt that person. The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour. Time to wake up and smell the coffee, of course this is doomed, he has not shown you any stable sensible behaviour. Loving your dog is not good enough.

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  6. #5
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    Hi..thanks for your reply.

    Yes, I work full time and have a good network of friends. Also, both my siblings live here so have a solid bond with them and inlaws. I bodybuild full time as well, so have a network of gym goers I see everyday.

    I know what you're saying. People told me at the time, everyone messes up. He didn't tell me in the beginning because he didn't want me to judge him... remember he is Asian, there is a cultural thing there. He talked to his mother about it numerous times and she was advising him to tell me. I found out before he did...I will never know if he planned on telling me or not.

    I know over the course of our relationship, I wasn't perfect either. I'm super independent and often would push him away, feeling I needed time alone. This is mostly after my parents passed. I go inward and didn't want him around.

    I'm certain this messed with his Asian ego. I suppose I'm making excuses in a way, but I am aware I'm not perfect either.

    Logically, I know you are right. I have never had this experience before. I have walked away from relationships so easily before. Why is this one so hard?

    Let me tell you this...( Thanks for listening 😀)

    He sat at the end of my bed and looked broken. He feels worthless, like a screw up. Moving here has left him alone with no purpose. I go out everyday and do my thing. He's behind a computer and babysitting my dog. He said he feels lonely and sad inside.

    Seeing him like that made me cry. I knew I loved him deeply as a person. I am encouraging him to leave, go back to the city to get his life back. I just want him to be happy. Whenever that leaves me, is fine..

    I am moving to a new place at the end of the month. He's been a huge help and support through this transition. I'm hoping he will go back to the city after that.

    Is it possible to accept a person for who they are? Good, bad and the ugly? Just love them?


    About 25 years ago, I was a train wreck. People in my life stuck by me...they knew who I really was. I'll never forget them for it.

    I want to support him emotionally, and I know the best thing to do is to move on with love, but it's hard because I don't want to hurt him more.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by jane22
    uncovered that he was previously married, divorced and had a son.

    he ended up telling his son he hated him, hit his son and smashed his cell phone.
    I pulled out the only 2 things you need to know about this guy to give you the strength to leave him for good:

    1) He lied to you about having been married before, but more importantly, about having a son. He actually hid the fact that he has a child from you. That in itself would be unbelievable, if not for # 2:
    2) He told his son he hated him, he smashed his son's phone, and he hit his son. Please re-read that!!!

    He's hot and cold. You will be forever on eggshells. And he's a violent, untrustworthy liar!

  8. #7
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    Okay, so now you will excuse this all away. Also,I don't give a hoot if he is Asian. He lied about a significant thing. Unforgivable.

    If you want to continue being treated like this then go for it! If you loved and respected yourself,you would not.

    Have you met his friends and family?

  9. #8
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    No. I have corresponded with his sister. But never met them in person.

    I need to hear this...you are right. 100 percent

    I can't talk to my family about this. They don't know any of it..they love him.

  10. #9
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    About his son, I was shocked and yes, I know...just to clarify..he smashed his own phone..doesn't matter either way, but it wasn't his sons phone.

    He feels horrible about it, a lot of guilt...but he did it. It's not right.

  11. #10
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    I told him he makes me nervous. I told him he is hot and cold and his mood swings make me anxious and uncomfortable.

    He told me his ex wife said the same thing and he looked shocked.

    He has so insight. I'm wondering if there is some other issue...just odd...

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