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Thread: Sister got called bad names by her kids

  1. #1

    Sister got called bad names by her kids

    Today my sister, who is a single mom, got called the b word, "p***y", and stupid by 2 of her 3 kids just because they didn't get to go to a party, as my sister stopped that from happening by letting the cousin who was going to pick them up know that he can't since they haven't been behaving. Now she's scared to go home, as she might get ganged up on by them yelling at her, as 2 of them were before she left the house to her bf. Aside from this, they don't listen much to her rules, the regular cleaning, don't go out if you didn't get my permission, etc. She has 3 kids who are all teens: 2 daughters, 17 and 16, and the son is 14.

    Since they were little, I've helped out with the disciplining, and they used to be intimidated by me, but they aren't that much anymore now that they're older. When I took the daughters' phones away 2 summers ago, they had a huge fit for about a month until they calmed down. And in the end, they just got new ones. Since then, I had been salty about it, but tried to keep on like it didn't bother me, but then after one day I told my nephew to "stop" when he kept asking his mom if he could go somewhere after she already said no, and he turned around with eyes of anger and said, "I didn't even do anything," I just felt the level of disrespect rise, because I feel like he did know, and I never seen him talk back to me before.

    At the start of the year, I stopped caring, especially because I entered a school type of program, and I didn't want to show up every day angry, because at their house, there's something rebellious/bad going on every day. Now that I've stopped helping out, things have gradually gotten worse. There are 3 other adults in my family, but they never cared enough much to help me out with her kids, and I'm sick of all the weight being on me.

    I told myself that if they ever called their mom names, that would be my breaking point and I would beat them. But when I think about it, I feel like beating them wouldn't even solve anything, and if I get any kind of charge, I get kicked out of the program. So my question is what should I do, if anything? Or do I let it get so bad that she might actually send them away to my brother, who they are definitely afraid of and I know will listen to, because I think she keeps wanting to, but never does; it's like empty threats. Is this my battle?

  2. #2
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Where is the children's father?

    And no, it's not your battle.

  3. #3
    He and my sister separated when they were still very little. I understand that may play a part in it, also; it helps to have that strong, male figure around, especially in times like this, and just cuz/so you have that father. My brother who I said they are afraid of was kind of like their father figure growing up, but then he moved away.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It would be a good idea to explore therapy and get a handle on your lack of boundaries and child abuse fantasies. Stay away from your sister's kids in the mean time. Stop abusing them.
    Originally Posted by Oh me Oh I
    I took the daughters' phones away 2 summers ago
    I told myself that if they ever called their mom names, that would be my breaking point and I would beat them.

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  6. #5
    I do NOT abuse my sister's kids - I have not hit them at all, and I've been helping raise them since they were children, but now that they are teenagers and acting more rebellious, you can't tell me that most people in this world haven't had thoughts of hitting their children or other people's children for being so. So don't call it "fantasies" as if it's some sick exotic thought. And there are plenty of people who hit kids once in a while when they don't behave; you're acting like it's such a foreign thing, so watch how you speak to people.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Can they attend family counseling together?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    "Beating" them will not solve the problem, nor will a "strong father figure" who causes them to be afraid or intimidated. Fear and intimidation do not engender respect, and neither does hitting a kid when they mouth off.

    Similarly over indulging your kids and giving them whatever they want whenever they want it is not a good way to parent either. You and your sister seem to be at extreme ends of a spectrum. There are no consequences with her and she fears how they will react to hearing the word 'no' and so she is afraid to say it or stick to it.

    You seem to think making them afraid or smacking them around will make them fall in line. It won't.

    The only thing that will teach these kids how to behave properly is setting firm boundaries and sticking to them. No giving in and no letting them rule the roost.

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    If you believe that beating them is an appropriate form of discipline - even as more than a fleeting moment (i.e. we can't control feeling that angry, just our reaction) or using your power in that way (like screaming at them as a go to response) then I would suggest not being involved in disciplining them at all. I would stay out of it other than asking your sister if she's interested in parenting classes. If she is then I'd help her find good ones or good books to read, etc.

    I think it's fairly typical for teenagers to lash out at parents. Not as typical for a mom to avoid going home just because her kids called her names which is why I think she'd benefit from parenting classes, family counseling or similar.

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    If you believe that beating them is an appropriate form of discipline - even as more than a fleeting moment (i.e. we can't control feeling that angry, just our reaction) or using your power in that way (like screaming at them as a go to response) then I would suggest not being involved in disciplining them at all. I would stay out of it other than asking your sister if she's interested in parenting classes. If she is then I'd help her find good ones or good books to read, etc.

    I think it's fairly typical for teenagers to lash out at parents. Not as typical for a mom to avoid going home just because her kids called her names which is why I think she'd benefit from parenting classes, family counseling or similar.
    I agree parenting classes and family counselling would be useful.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    but now that they are teenagers and acting more rebellious, you can't tell me that most people in this world haven't had thoughts of hitting their children or other people's children for being so.
    They are not your children to discipline. You are not their mother and it is not your job to do such. That responsibility all falls on your sister. She needs to be consistent with discipline. This should of been set in practice way before they became teenagers.

    And it is very normal for teens to test boundaries with authority figures. This is why your sister has to show strong leadership skills and be consistent with discipline or she loses respect. You cannot demand they respect her or change them for her at this point - your sister raised the kids who they are now.

    I strongly DO NOT recommend “beating” your nieces/nephews, especially if they are teenagers. For one big reason is that Teens talk and you get in serious trouble. They tell their friends, school teachers, school counselors, etc. They also will post about it on social media (there have been teens who came on this forum telling posters about being abused at home). They also can be very dramatic because they get the attention they sought. I used to be a HS teacher and had children disclose about being abused in their own homes - and as a mandated reporter I had to contact Child Protective Services (CPS). If one of them talks to the “wrong” person about being beaten in home, it will land you in jail.

    And the other reason... negative consequences rarely work. They have been proven to be ineffective in the field of children psychology. At their age, hitting a 16 and 17 year old isn’t going to change anything other than them hating and avoiding you.

    I agree with the others of letting mom handle it and seeking counseling with her children. Stay out of it. You should NOT be disciplining her children.

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