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Thread: Sister got called bad names by her kids

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you in a jurisdiction/country/culture where corporal punishment is allowed by a babysitter or normal or encouraged?
    Originally Posted by Oh me Oh I
    you can't tell me that most people in this world haven't had thoughts of hitting their children or other people's children for being so. there are plenty of people who hit kids once in a while when they don't behave.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Oh me Oh I
    I do NOT abuse my sister's kids - I have not hit them at all, and I've been helping raise them since they were children, but now that they are teenagers and acting more rebellious, you can't tell me that most people in this world haven't had thoughts of hitting their children or other people's children for being so. So don't call it "fantasies" as if it's some sick exotic thought. And there are plenty of people who hit kids once in a while when they don't behave; you're acting like it's such a foreign thing, so watch how you speak to people.
    This really hits home for me, because I had extended family growing up who had this attitude. I had adults hit me as a teen, when my mom was not around. I saw cousins getting hit and talked down to disrespectfully by their parents. It's horrible and some of these kids did fight back. One cousin got together with and moved in with an older man when she was 16, anything to get away from that home life. Another became a teenage mom with a boy who also hit her. They both still struggle to this day to be in healthy relationships.

    It's a lack of skills on the adults part. I strongly agree with you backing away and if mom is up for it, parenting classes for her and family therapy too.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    This really hits home for me, because I had extended family growing up who had this attitude. I had adults hit me as a teen, when my mom was not around. I saw cousins getting hit and talked down to disrespectfully by their parents. It's horrible and some of these kids did fight back. One cousin got together with and moved in with an older man when she was 16, anything to get away from that home life. Another became a teenage mom with a boy who also hit her. They both still struggle to this day to be in healthy relationships.

    It's a lack of skills on the adults part. I strongly agree with you backing away and if mom is up for it, parenting classes for her and family therapy too.
    Look of course we are human and we all think about hurting someone else -child, adult -when we are furious - we all have had those fleeting thoughts - what you're talking about is far more focused and far less fleeting and your attitude is that it's normal and I have NOT seen you write "yes, I've had my moments but I would NEVER do that to a child whether mine or someone else's".

    And no I wouldn't want to hit a teenager for acting rebellious. I would want to take away privileges and have natural consequences result (meaning - if the teenager is irresponsible and loses something expensive the natural consequence is she has to earn the $ to replace it). And I would take away privileges and have done so with my child. If you don't think your fantasies are potentially harmful it's not too far a stretch for you to act them out in a moment of anger- just takes a second.

    The difference between just having the fleeting feelings and acting them out often involves self-work and self-talk where you learn strategies of how to calm yourself down when children/teens act bratty - you have your go to methods. And you do enough self-care (eating right, exercising enough, sleeping enough) so your temper doesn't flare up like that to the extent of wanting to physically hurt the other person . I feel I owe my child a reasonably calm and structured environment to grow up in and I fail at this at times but not to the extent you describe. And when I fail -when I overreact -I apologize and use my go to methods to pause and breathe and evaluate for next time what I will do -including preventatively. I also role model for him appropriate reactions to frustration - I tell him that I am feeling frustrated or annoyed or angry -tell not scream and often will tell him I can't be around him just then. I tell him in advance when he is crossing the line/pushing buttons -not because I will hit him but so he knows that in life you need to respect people and not cross those lines, including mine or people won't want to interact with you.

    I do a lot of ignoring as a consequence - he doesn't like being ignored and then he sees that people who are annoyed with you don't want to be around you right then. I take care of his basic needs at that time and that is all. If you show that level of rage to a teenager and even threaten you will beat or hit them they will do the same as Itsallgrand described. You will have your "power" over them and if that is your goal then accept the downside when you don't have that power and they no longer respect you because you/the parent never built that foundation of respect where the child respects you and treats you kindly not because she's afraid of a beating but because those are her internalized values. Harder to do, but the results are worth it IMO. Much easier to vent/act out in rage.

    That is what your sister likely needs to do IMO - parenting classes and books can help. And if you're going to be around these children you should do the same. If I were you since you are not the parent I'd have zero involvement in taking care of or disciplining them unless you really want to put in the work and effort. Thus far I'm not seeing that you do.

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