What should I do here

Me n my husband both in our thirties are married for more than 4 years now but I still fail to know what causes him to lose his temper and show extreme reactions.

Today morning he was trying to place a rack on wall and was going to drill some nails. So he called me also to get an opinion on position of the rack. I told him my views and he proceeded to drill and the front of the drill fell down. I realized he had not screwed the pieces of drill machine together before starting. I felt angry because he has been careless in past as well. Next he moves on to just put the piece back n continue to drill (without checking if its fit properly) and obviosly two sharp pieces fall down, just missing hurting both of our feets.

I got very angry and started saying how he acts careless, stupid n idiot n does the work without even reading instruction n preparing properly beforehand. I started mentioning few things in past which got almost damaged because of the same attitude. He didnt say a word, and started watching videos n reading on how to do it properly.

After that he started drilling and I noticed it was wrong position of the hole. The rack wouldn't even fit the wall. So I kept asking him to stop. He didnt. He walked away from wall and I put up the rack to show him it wont fit but he won't listen in his anger and just asked me to get away.

Now I know he has this anger and stubborness where he doesn't listen at all. I kept asking him to leave the work and just relax and come back to it when he is calm. He pushed me and started drilling another hole, again wrong position. I kept asking him that he has to check the width of driller and size of screws but he won't listen.

I kept asking him to not destroy things in anger and just take time off. I took my phone to record him so I can show him later when he is calm on how maniac he was acting. He violently snatched my phone and deleted all videos.

He won't say a word, no matter how nicely I was asking him to calm down.

Drill ran out of charge, he connected it but it wont work while being charged. So he went up.

I thought atleast now he will get calm and then realize how stupid it was what he was doing. After an hour he came, and went to the wall again. I asked him to first think on what he is going to do (very nicely), he didnt speak and just went and started drilling in wrong place again. He gave it up on his own after few minutes and went up and continued doing his other work.

Now, like I said, I know he has anger issues and also won't talk about it later at all. So, just to save all the pain of arguing, I decided to forget n move on. I went up and asked him for lunch. He just responded in one word. Later in evening I brought him snacks, told him to come down and I made some tea for him. I was trying to talk normally, he was responding in one words.

For dinner, he just went in kitchen and started cooking. I asked him that he can also speak because I have been speaking to him normally. To which he responded that 'it's your mistake only. You triggered it. Because of you I made wrong holes in wall. So you should only talk"

I didn't want to bring up the incident because I know that no matter what he would find a reason to blame me. But he kept talking about my mistakes in the morning about speaking how he was careless and obviously wont talk about his issue that he has no control in his anger.

And as always, I ended up crying to myself because if I try to speak about his issues, he blocks the communication by either repeating what I am speaking, or saying illogical sentences or playing loud music.

Incidents like these happen atleast once if not twice in a week. No matter what has happened, he won't speak and I have to forget and move on and speak to him pretending everything is normal. And he opens up whenever he's done with his anger on me. There have been times when it goes on for weeks - same house, no words between us.

Any suggestions?

Me n my husband both in our thirties are married for more than 4 years now but I still fail to know what causes him to lose his temper and show extreme reactions.

 

Today morning he was trying to place a rack on wall and was going to drill some nails. So he called me also to get an opinion on position of the rack. I told him my views and he proceeded to drill and the front of the drill fell down. I realized he had not screwed the pieces of drill machine together before starting. I felt angry because he has been careless in past as well. Next he moves on to just put the piece back n continue to drill (without checking if its fit properly) and obviosly two sharp pieces fall down, just missing hurting both of our feets.

I got very angry and started saying how he acts careless, stupid n idiot n does the work without even reading instruction n preparing properly beforehand. I started mentioning few things in past which got almost damaged because of the same attitude. He didnt say a word, and started watching videos n reading on how to do it properly.

After that he started drilling and I noticed it was wrong position of the hole. The rack wouldn't even fit the wall. So I kept asking him to stop. He didnt. He walked away from wall and I put up the rack to show him it wont fit but he won't listen in his anger and just asked me to get away.

Now I know he has this anger and stubborness where he doesn't listen at all. I kept asking him to leave the work and just relax and come back to it when he is calm. He pushed me and started drilling another hole, again wrong position. I kept asking him that he has to check the width of driller and size of screws but he won't listen.

I kept asking him to not destroy things in anger and just take time off. I took my phone to record him so I can show him later when he is calm on how maniac he was acting. He violently snatched my phone and deleted all videos.

He won't say a word, no matter how nicely I was asking him to calm down.

Drill ran out of charge, he connected it but it wont work while being charged. So he went up.

 

I thought atleast now he will get calm and then realize how stupid it was what he was doing. After an hour he came, and went to the wall again. I asked him to first think on what he is going to do (very nicely), he didnt speak and just went and started drilling in wrong place again. He gave it up on his own after few minutes and went up and continued doing his other work.

 

Now, like I said, I know he has anger issues and also won't talk about it later at all. So, just to save all the pain of arguing, I decided to forget n move on. I went up and asked him for lunch. He just responded in one word. Later in evening I brought him snacks, told him to come down and I made some tea for him. I was trying to talk normally, he was responding in one words.

 

For dinner, he just went in kitchen and started cooking. I asked him that he can also speak because I have been speaking to him normally. To which he responded that 'it's your mistake only. You triggered it. Because of you I made wrong holes in wall. So you should only talk"

 

I didn't want to bring up the incident because I know that no matter what he would find a reason to blame me. But he kept talking about my mistakes in the morning about speaking how he was careless and obviously wont talk about his issue that he has no control in his anger.

And as always, I ended up crying to myself because if I try to speak about his issues, he blocks the communication by either repeating what I am speaking, or saying illogical sentences or playing loud music.

 

Incidents like these happen atleast once if not twice in a week. No matter what has happened, he won't speak and I have to forget and move on and speak to him pretending everything is normal. And he opens up whenever he's done with his anger on me. There have been times when it goes on for weeks - same house, no words between us.

 

Any suggestions?

I bolded a few things for you.

If you are unable to connect the dots and see where your irration/anger/belittling is driving him to react with anger, let me know and I'll provide more feedback.

I got very angry and started saying how he acts careless, stupid n idiot n does the work without even reading instruction n preparing properly beforehand. I started mentioning few things in past which got almost damaged because of the same attitude. He didnt say a word, and started watching videos n reading on how to do it properly.

 

 

Any suggestions?

Well, you could stop being a jerk about it, for starters.

He has anger issues and you are a big bully. The way you speak to him is disgusting! I don't see this marriage lasting long if he is smart!

If someone called me stupid and an idiot I would tell them where to shove the drill and walk away.

If someone called me stupid and an idiot I would tell them where to shove the drill and walk away.

Yeah I would too, where the sun don't shine! Lol

OP, he may go silent, but at least he doesn't verbally abuse and belittle you the way you did.

Can you not recognize your part in this mess?

I think you both have anger issues here. I do agree you triggered this rise out of him by calling him names and harping on him about all he did wrong. Communication looks like it’s lacking in your relationship, you need to learn to communicate more effectively to get a positive response. He needs to address why he’s upset with you.

You both sound miserable. Maybe marriage counseling?

Agree. You sound insufferable. First work on your own anger and abuse issues in therapy, then work on things in marriage counseling together.

I think you both have anger issues here. I do agree you triggered this rise out of him by calling him names and harping on him about all he did wrong. Communication looks like it’s lacking in your relationship, you need to learn to communicate more effectively to get a positive response. He needs to address why he’s upset with you. You both sound miserable. Maybe marriage counseling?

Imagine he hovers over you while you cook a meal, pointing out that you’re putting too much salt in “you stupid idiot” and points out all other failed meals in the past. I’m surprised he stayed as calm as he did through it all to be honest.

I read all of your responses multiple times and pondered a lot. First of all, thank u for taking the time to read and respond.

I obviously know my actions/word were wrong but his reaction of passive aggression was too much is what I felt. And I have seen way too many times (a lot of times when i am not the one who triggered it).

Coming to today, I decided to talk to him today morning because he was in good mood. He hates to talk anything related to emotions/feelings/his or mine actions or bad situations in past.

He kept blocking me when I spoke and kept saying 'the more u r speaking, u r irritating me. If at all speak about any tasks or concrete stuff, I dont want to waste time listening about feelings n all'. Somehow, I convinced him to give me 10 mins to listen. I told him that I am sorry for being rude and reacting like that and I would have apologised at that time itself if he spoke to me instead of keeping quiet and showing aggression. I asked him to speak whenever he felt instead of keeping to himself. He responded with 'its nice what u said, but i'll prefer to speak anout tasks and its your mistake that u spoke in that manner.'

Anyways, I took it as a positive step that I could make him listen to me for 10 mins about what happened.

Rest of the day, he spent in his room, working, exercising, watching stuff.. in short his own things.

Whenever he came out, I'd wait for him to speak, but he wont. So, I'll make small talks.

He did make lunch n did other odd jobs at home.

I expected him to be more around me and spend some time together now that we had some positive communication; but because he was literally absent whole time I also did my own stuff.

In evening, I again tried to have some conversation where he mentioned that, he finds it useless to talk about emotions/feelings. I started telling that it's upsetting because in morning he said the conversation was nice. He blocked me again, didn't let me finish, got up mid way and went in his room saying he is hoping I'll make some dinner and he will go do some grocery shopping around 6. He didnt come out till 7.30 and I decided to order pizza for myself and not make dinner. When he finally came out, he again didn't speak, just got dressed and said he is going for grocery shopping. I told him that I had no idea what are his plans and that I was upset that he walked mid way while I was speaking, so I decided to order pizza.

He carried on, came back from shopping, went to his room again. I asked him what are his plans for dinner. He said that in irritated tone again that he will have cereals n milk.

I asked him what he plans to do now, and can he take out time to do something together which he refused and said he has his own work.

I decided to not let myself sad and started watching a movie.

He came after an hour and started making dinner (not a word again). I paused the movie after sometime and asked him that he was planning cereals, what is he cooking now. He didnt repond. I asked 2 times and third time he shouted so loud 'why the f**k u r disturbing me, just watch ur movie.' It was so shocking. I kept asking him on why is he reacting like this and the more I'd try to speak, the more he kept getting louder, abusive and aggressive asking me to just shut up and watch movie.

I did shut up, and cried, cried until I was losing breath. He did his work, and went in his room to eat dinner. I consoled myself and wrote this here.

You two sleep separately and have your own rooms? Is this the norm in your culture?

I have noticed a pattern here: Clearly the lack of proper, decent communication on his part is a huge issue. In fact, one could say ZERO communication on his part. He clams up and refuses to communicate. At all. On all levels. - .... Then, on the other end of the scale there is you, who tries to communicate and will just not stop asking him things, over and over and over again, which in turns makes him clam up even more (if that's even possible), and before you know it, you have this dysfunctional lack of constructive communication going on which is toxic for the relationship.

He is shutting down and irritated by you and pushing you away, and you are hurt and pushing too much, which ends up in a never ending circle of anger/misery for both of you.

You two need to learn how to communicate in better ways and doing it yourself is clearly NOT working. I would strongly suggest you both go to marriage counselling if you want to save this marriage.

No, by his room I meant his room where he works and has his exercise machine n stuff

I have tried all possible ways to make him agree to come for counselling, he won't agree. He has so much difficuly to me only, he knows he won't be able to handle anything in front of a third person. He has totally and flatly refused to go to a counsellor every single time I bring it up.

He did say to me that I am free to go to a counsellor if I want to. But again, what is the point of me going alone.

I have tried all possible ways to make him agree to come for counselling, he won't agree. He has so much difficuly to me only, he knows he won't be able to handle anything in front of a third person. He has totally and flatly refused to go to a counsellor every single time I bring it up.

He did say to me that I am free to go to a counsellor if I want to. But again, what is the point of me going alone.

The vibe I get from him is that everything about him is completely closed down and shut off. Everything. He seems to have zero interest in you, zero interest in the marriage and is just a miserable and morose person in general. I could never live with someone like that, ever. If I was in your shoes right now, I would cut my losses, find a lawyer and serve him with divorce papers. I would rather be alone living a peaceful, content life, than living with all that tension, dysfunction and misery, but that's just be.

This marriage needs to be done. it sounds miserable for both parties. Thank god no children were brought into this mess.

Was he like this before you married? If so, why did you marry him?

Time to get a divorce. This man is very angry and does not love or respect you.

Why do you go out of your way to seek conflict and get on his case about every single thing? You sound miserable. And extremely antagonistic.

You don't want to "talk about feelings" you want to recap everything according to you and then find some stuff to complain about and then beat him up over it or list his deficiencies and everything you don't like then spice all that up by dredging up the past and rehashing all that according to your rewrite of it..

Amazingly you are surprised that he simply retreats to avoid your mental abuse and deescalate the conflicts you are trying to instigate. Get some therapy to understand what is it about yourself that makes you this miserable and what is it about your past/upbringing that makes you believe chronic antagonism is the way couples should relate.