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Thread: I'm so afraid of telling my bf the truth that I can't live with him

  1. #1

    I'm so afraid of telling my bf the truth that I can't live with him

    I have tried to approach my bf so many times to let him know I cannot live with him and/or we should break up (since I know he wants to live and marry me next year) after several years of dating. This is solely because he has poor finances and money judgment.

    My heart is still so attached to him...I do love him.

    But...my head is telling me I'm making a really big mistake because we are just not financially compatible at all and we are both much older - i.e., I may end having to take care of him.

    Every time I think I can do it; I "chicken out" after being with him for even an hour and sometimes, when I believe I've caught him in another financial lie (that has led to us breaking up in the past), it turns out he ends up telling me the "truth" or enough that breaking up with him at that point would seem crazy.

    I know I don't need to "justify" breaking it off but he does give me a lot of emotional support - although my anxiety about his difficult financial situation also is not good for me.

    I can also sense him pushing me to make the next move - for example, he keeps on me to put photos on Facebook of us but I don't use it that often and I'm a private person.

    It's push and pull I guess. He wants to move in with me next year and marry and I am afraid to.

    He is really good with my adult son who has Asperger's but is that reason enough?

    He also really loves me.

    I don't think waiting more time will solve the issues since I've been with him over 5 years.

    Do I just "fish or cut bait" or still hang in there and hope for the best?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Have you talked to him about how these things are deal breakers?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Have you ever had a clear conversation with him about your concerns? Like, have you ever said to him a version of what you wrote in this post: that you love him, that you love his support and how he is with your son, but that for you to be comfortable taking steps toward cohabitation and marriage requires him to make some changes to the way he handles finances?

    That said, it's been 5 years. That's enough time, generally, to know who someone is: the good, the bad, the in between. If you've had some version of that talk, and it's gone nowhere, it's probably time to get out.

    Because you already know what hanging in there and hoping for the best leads to, feels like: it's posts like this, right?

  4. #4
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    I can't advise on which decision to make, just make it soon.

    Sticking it out hoping things will sort themselves out, is probably denial, and a way to procrastinate an important decision.

    You have a pretty good idea what the pros and cons are. I think you need to weigh them in a way that makes sense to you. You will have to try and be a disinterested observer as you weigh the pros and cons.

    Money is often the dealbreaker in relationships. Money is important. It is hard to find love. Perhaps set some boundaries with money. If he crosses them, toss him out. If he doesn't agree to them, toss him out. You have to at least be adult about your finances. You can get by without being wealthy. Most people can at least pay their own bills. If they can't, it might be too burdensome to carry them. Then again, there is somewhat of a double standard in society. It's more acceptable for a man to look after a woman, than the reverse. This is changing as women become more independent. But let's face it. A rich male lawyer meets and marries a barista, it's true love. Reverse the roles, and the woman would be viewed as desperate and settling. Perhaps a bit of the subject, just considering different things.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you both own homes? Do you both work? What kind of lies and breakups? Debt? Gambling? Do let him move in and do not marry. That would mean having financial interactions and worse marrying could mean financial ruin for you, if he is that irresponsible. Sadly the time you are spending with him will just be limbo. It's unsettling that he is pushing for all this.
    Originally Posted by fearful728
    my head is telling me I'm making a really big mistake because we are just not financially compatible at all and we are both much older. my anxiety about his difficult financial situation also is not good for me. He wants to move in with me next year and marry and I am afraid to. I've been with him over 5 years.

  7. #6
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    These things do not change, as you can see. You are wasting you r time and his, by continuing with this. he has shown you who he is.

    Unless you you want to take on his debt, and all of the irresponsible purchases, then you should end it. This decision can affect your livelihood and credit score for a very long time. You should have ended this long ago.

    He will survive without you. He knows he has an issues, yet has done nothing to change it. This is a deal breaker!

  8. #7
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    i'm curious to know more about the financial situation (his) that you find unacceptable. What has he lied about and what are we talking about here.

    The reason I say this is - unfortunately our society has put WAY too much importance on money and wealth and while i know it's tough to live when you are NOT wealthy - I can tell you first hand that WEALTH and having secure financial situations is NOT a guarantee of happiness and joy and fulfillment.

    I am not saying you are wrong to have financial concerns - but there is also something to somebody who actually treats you (and your ill son) well and with love and sincere caring --- something money can not buy. Somethign that is SO HARD and rare to find these days (just look at all the dating sites and dating advice forums up in existence for proof of that!)

    So on this one.. I don't think anybody giving you an answer without knowing more details about exactly what you are talking about regarding your bf' financial problems and how it affects you and what he lid to you about with it - isn't advisign you with all the facts in place. And that's a dangerous thing when it comes to the ultimate decision about this guy or not and your future.

  9. #8
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    I would be honest! "i love you, but if you were to marry - i am concerned about the way you handle finances". Done. And its either workable or not workable
    What about saying "i know you want to get married, but i am not ready" "i am worried that if we do get married - i have carefully saved and fear you will run through the money quickly?

    If everything else about the relationship was wonderful - would he agree for you to handle the bills/he gets a certain $$ from his paycheck to do as he pleases?

    Is he paying his bills, but just not using his extra money like you would want him to? Or does he gamble? Is he lying to you because you are acting like his mother about his money? Or is what he is lying about a big deal (he lied that he is not still going to the casino)

    NEVER rush to get married. If you don't want to marry this guy ---find someone else.

  10. #9
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    btw, is your adult son independent or does he have to live with you for life/a very extended time

  11. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Multiple accounts not allowed. Thread closed.


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