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Thread: Why cant I ever find a girlfriend through online?

  1. #1

    Why cant I ever find a girlfriend through online?

    My online dating history:
    2013: talked to a girl for 3 months and were supposed to meet and she canceled date 24 hrs before we were supposed to meet and never talked to me again

    2014: met mutual friend from Facebook but only one time. She promised she would meet again but never happened and she unfriended me.

    2015: I admitted I was desperate writing to hundreds of girls on POF and Okcupid staying up all night most nights

    2016: Met girl from Penpal site she lives 2 hrs away but once again only one time and never write back

    2017: took a break

    2018: the girl Ive been talking to through Facebook recently who"s 24 and lives with her parents who won't allow her to meet and wants to be friends only.

    I read on Google that Online dating causes depression. Im too shy to meet anyone in real life. Same patterns though with the two girls I met only one time each.

  2. #2
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    Your desperation might be coming through in your communication with these girls.

    What sort of things do you talk about with them?

  3. #3
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    Some people just aren't meant for the somewhat cold cycle of online dating. I was one of those people. I dated online for years resulting in a string of dead-end experiences with guys who were clearly seeing multiple people, and ghosted me somewhere along the way. One online meeting led to dating a guy for 2 years who turned out of be a drug-dealer on the side and had an entirely separate relationship going on. I took a break from any online dating after that experience, decided to chill and live my life and ultimately met my current husband while I was traveling abroad and enjoying making friends (him being one of the friends).

    You might want to just take some time to work on yourself and your confidence, make some friends without the intent of dating, start to enjoy your life for a little while. The right person will come around soon enough if you put yourself out there in these kinds of ways, and stop stressing about dating altogether. Just my two cents, hope this helps!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Make sure you have a well written profile and good recent pics on a couple of dating apps. Try to have at least one better quality one rather than all the throw away free junk. Send a message to local women who interest you. If they respond, set up a meet asap.

    FB and penpal sites are generally not the best place to set up dates. What type of messages are you sending out? Do not bother with long distance or women who have deal breakers. Don't pursue anyone who refuses to meet. Do not text more than a few times before meeting.
    Originally Posted by Ramsfan99
    Im too shy to meet anyone in real life.

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  6. #5
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    No meet, no text. If you can't get an in-real-life meeting/date scheduled within one-two weeks, scrap it.

    Stay away from anyone who lives more than a 30-minute drive from you. You WILL have to make the drive to meet her and drive home, so YOU have to determine your own comfort zone on driving and distance. Think long-term on this one. It's easy to make this drive when things are hot and new, but how will you feel two months from now or six? Your love interest will have to make this drive as well if she's interested in you enough to do it, so she has to be okay with the distance and time it takes for a date. If she won't do it, and you're stuck having to make all the effort all the time, you will feel resentful over it, so the distance has to be your choice, and also consider what will happen if this relationship takes off. Are you willing and able to relocate, move, or deal with a lengthy, daily commute?

    You need to know what you want in a relationship and cut the cord if it's not working.

    Since you seem to be a one-hit-wonder, you need to investigate where you're falling short, and why is it that date #2 never happens? You are the common denominator. You also seem to migrate towards women who are unavailable and seek online friendships/dating relationships and run away after a first meet or the *idea* of a first meet. Why is that?

    Online dating can be a depressing and frustrating experience. You need to keep in mind that online dating is a TOOL. It is merely a way of meeting people of like-interest because you really don't have a means or ability to meet otherwise. We're all busy people and not all of us are social butterflies, so outside of work, the opportunity to meet and mingle with people is pretty sparse. Technology has afforded us the ability to meet in other ways, but it's not a guaranteed magic coupling. You still need to put in the work, and you have to have the ability to back off and walk away when it's not working. Take a break once in awhile if you find the system is punching you down. Everyone needs a breather and a rest...I mean, we all take vacation time from work once in awhile...you need to do this with online dating as well. It's up to YOU to determine when it's not working, take a break, revamp, and jump back in. Online dating is a TOOL.

    I find random hits from strange men on FB creepy and weird. I don't recommend it. People who sign up on a dating site are actively seeking companionship in one way or another, so it's not weird or creepy to approach them, but what you need to do is back off and move on when you can't get a first meet/date out of them in a reasonable time frame. Do not invest weeks or months on texting, emails, or phone calls.

  7. #6
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    Honestly, as a woman doing online dating, we tend to get more messages than guys, so fine-tuning your profile and opening lines is important. Don't be too eager right away. Play it cool but not cold.
    Maybe take a break for a bit and get yourself to a headspace where you aren't offended by rejection from people you don't really know. Don't feel desperate in yourself. You can be single and comfortable with that and it gives off a much better vibe.

  8. #7
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Honestly online dating is incredibly hard.

    Also makes meeting people outside of online dating hard. I feel like things are not the way they used to be from meeting people out and about anymore.

    Don't feel desperate for being on dating sites. Think of it like this... all those people are looking for what you are looking for too (well most).

    I know in the new year once I make my profile I will be looking to date and have it develop into something hopefully.

    It is about being patient and I know that can be frustrating. I have spoken to male friends and they then to have a harder time than women do.

    Like someone said make sure your profile is the best it can be. It's like a CV. You are essentially trying to get people interested in what you have to offer.

    List the things you like and hopefully that sparks conversation of common interests.

    Also I know it is easy for me to say but don't beat yourself up about the dates that haven't happened. Look at it as a learning step and how they did you a favour not meeting. Who wants to date a girl that cancels last minute.

    Good luck

  9. #8
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    Your question should be "Why can't I find a girlfriend?"

    The answer is your not attracting enough women. That might seem obvious and harsh. And I apologize if it seems personal. The good news is most people, if not all people, can improve. I have nothing to sell, and recommend staying away from people who are trying to sell you something. I can only relate my experience.

    I sucked at dating when I found myself single in 2007. I think I made every mistake a man could make. Then I just stopped caring so much about women and dating and turned toward things that made me happy. I became more social and became more involved in my pursuits and hobbies. I took up running because my weight was creeping up along with my blood pressure. I noticed I simply felt better and more confident. As I started to lose weight I bought some nice clothes. More attractive women were starting to pay attention to me. This gave me some confidence. Things still didn't go great, but things were going better.

    Things really took off when I upped my fitness level. I started eating properly, and doing more than just running. I lost the remaining 15 pounds that had been stubbornly sticking around my gut. All aspects of my life started to improve. I found it easy and natural to approach women. Women were emailing me online. Things were going good.

    Four years ago, on a run, a young woman joined us. She was friends with some in our group. She was beautiful. I thought she was wayyyyy out of my league. We ran together for a short distance, conversing easily. There was no way I would pursue her.

    Fast forward to late summer 2017. I see her online. I was getting ready to do something, so I couldn't email her. I take my time, and never rush an email. While I was out I checked my phone. She had emailed me. This woman whom I thought was gorgeous and out of my league had emailed me. And I thought "why not?". We are engaged now.

    Looking back I was a mess. Two things had to happen. I had to take full ownership for my dating/life failures, and set them straight. I had to get in good shape. Getting in great shape helped take care of number one.

    My experience is simple, but difficult to do. Be happy and confident. Getting fit helps. Women will notice.

    That's the short version :)

  10. #9
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Some quick advice:

    - you need more than 3 pictures. And only one is allowed to be a selfie in your apartment. Preferably none, but I’ve seen profiles with 5 pictures, all the same outfit, in their home - nope.
    - smile! No weird pictures like you holding a strange mask.
    - no pics surrounded by women. Gross.
    - pics with dogs are always a hit. Cats maybe too, but I’m not a cat person.
    - if your profile says “nice guy” anywhere in it - next. Gross! Nice guys don’t say they’re nice guys.
    - make sure it’s written well and interestingly. No self deprecation (ie “trying this again since I didn’t have luck last time” or “looking for the rare woman who isn’t crazy”). Sound fun and confident.

  11. #10
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    Online dating is hard for even the best looking and most successful people.

    It's a lot of swipe-swipe-swipe, candy-store, ghosting nonsense.

    It just is what it is, and it's worse as the years go on. People right-swipe to see how many matches they can get, to feed their own egos, rather than finding a partner.

    You will unfortunately just have to develop a thicker skin, and realize that 99% of people are not your match. You are looking the needle in the haystack, and you will just have to continue with the process.

    Sure, do the in-person things like meetup groups, hobbies, volunteering. But keep your profiles updated, with nice recent pictures, and have zero negatives in your verbiage. Zero.

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