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Thread: what do you think? Did she cheat? I can't get closure and heal.

  1. #1

    what do you think? Did she cheat? I can't get closure and heal.

    Hello all. So i will get right into it.

    I met this woman, we hit it off! We lived about and hour and 20 minutes apart so we only saw each other on the weekends and sometimes during the week. not much though. It was love at first site thing. Both of use were extremely happy and in love. After 4 months she found out her brother was getting married(lives in another town far away). She told me i was going and she would even pay for my airfare. So fast forward 6 months later. When she was going to get the tickets, she decided that she didn't want me going because it there was possibly going to be family drama and she didn't want me to meet her family under those circumstances. I told her I was okay with it.
    I dropped her and her two sons 17&19 off at the airport and went home( i even watched her dog for her). It was a 3 night trip. She called me the first night she was there. Everything seemed normal. I missed that call, she left a voicemail. I tried calling her back twice-no answer and then no answer to my text that night. That was odd. Before now, we had immaculate and constant communication every day. Even when she went on the bachorlette trip for two nights, she was texting and calling and sending pics the whole time.
    As the weekend went on, she would only text if i texted her. There wasn't any "I love you" or "I miss you" like on the bachorlette trip. Very distant and cold almost. Like i was an acquaintance. Not one phone call during the entire trip except for the one on the first night.
    When i picked her up, she was all over me, like she hadn't seen me in a year. I thought that was kind of strange considering she left me in the dark the whole weekend.
    So she went home that night with her boys.
    The next day I waited for her to text me, she never did until i texted her at 11 am. This was a work day. We both always texted each other as soon as either of us woke up every day. So that was odd to me too. Then I found out she had taken the day off. Even more odd.. Like she wasn't busy doing anything to keep her from texting me. We didn't text much at all that day. Again very strange. Then we finally talked on the phone that night. She made it very short and quick and brief. I asked her about the weekend and she listed it off like an itinerary no detail, no emotion. The whole conversation was very dry, not intimate, and quick. again. not normal.
    durning that week, every day was the same and every day she said she would call me that night, and then when it came time she would tell me she wasn't feeling good or tired and we would talk tomorrow. That happened for the whole week. Then by the weekend she sent me a text (again no phone call or nothing in person) saying that we needed to take a break. I was destroyed, hurt, confused, lost, you name it. I didn't understand at all what had happened. during our break it felt like she was trying to get me to leave her from some of the things that she texted me. Like, I should start a new chapter in my life. She even said "I'm not a hypocrite and this was never intentional" What the hell did that mean?

    So we took our break for a couple weeks. During that time, any communication was like I was just somebody she barely knew. not one I love you or anything, she texted me as if we were never together. After a couple weeks she came around and said she missed me and we just needed some time alone together. It has now been 3 weeks since we last talked and longer since we had an overnight together. So that next weekend we went away for two nights. It was a good time. She told me about all this she has been dealing with between work, her son, her ex husband, money, lots of . She made it sound like this break had nothing to do with me. She even told me that directly a couple times. On our trip she gave me intimate details about the wedding weekend. very disturbing, sounded like she had a very good time. I forgot to mention, her brother that got married was in a biker club and one of the members actually asked her if she wanted to go back to his room and make bad decisions. She thought that that was funny when she told me... Or like she enjoyed it. I asked her "like what". She just kind of laughed and said "i don't know".
    Well after that weekend we started seeing each other again. it wasn't the same though. Things that she used to "love" about me or mannerisms. Now that stuff annoyed her. Needless to say we only lasted about a month before she broke up with me. actually 2 days after our 1 year anniversary. Again, she said i did nothing wrong and it had nothing to do with me. That she wasn't meant to be in a relationship. and that she was broken.
    So basically to me. Everything was peaches and cream until she went away for the weekend. When she came back, she seemed like a completely different person. Like something happened that weekend that changed everything.
    I took the break up very hard. I fell apart and became a jerk. She got to the point that she told me never to contact her again. I did find out that she met someone new supposedly only one month after we broke up, and she has been in a relationship with him ever since. She even made it public on FB to see that she was in a relationship with him only after they were dating for 3 or 4 months. She never did that for me. again, very odd for someone that isn't meant for a relationship.

    Several months later, I made contact. We talked off and on for almost 6 months over texting. She then told me that I changed, i became needy, clingy, controlling, demanding, ect... that is why she left me.
    I know i did change, but it was more of after she started going dark on me and after she changed. I lost my cool and was holding on to whatever i could.

    My question to all of you is this. With what happened and how quickly it did. do you think that she may have cheated on me is someway that weekend, or even met someone before that weekend and started talking to them? It always felt like that. I did eventually ask her and she said she never did in any way.

    two more things that bothered me is before that weekend she said she would NEVER do that, that she has been cheated on before and would never do that to anyone. After that weekend she told me "if she EVER cheated on me, she would break up with me" So it went from NEVER to EVER. And also, during our two week "break" I happened to notice that she was on FB ALOT! She was on and off and on and off in 1-5 minute intervals all day and night. Basically all the time that we used to text each other was now on FB. Even when we were texting each other, between our texts she was on and off. and nights that she was going to bed cause she was tired. she would be on-off-on-off constantly for an hour or two. To me the only explanation for that would be that she was messaging someone on messenger.

    Keep in mind. Before that weekend, she and I had a beautiful relationship. It was blissful. Felt perfect. She showed me every day the she loved me. She even told me the I'm the kind of man that she wants her boys to be.

    So it has now been 1 year and 1 month. I still think about her every day. I still love her and I miss her tremendously. There is no hope of reconciliation. I know that. I just can't get closure. I can't accept that she left for the reasons she said. If that was true then why wouldn't she have told me those things so we could work on it, instead of telling me it had nothing to do with me and she wasn't meant for a relationship?

    Again, the main question is, do you think she cheated?

    Thanks for reading my book. I'm really struggling with this and trying to still understand after all this time. I just don't get it... thanks

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....asking a person if they cheated is really futile. Nobody in their right mind will be like "oh yeah and let me tell you in all gory detail just how."
    From what all you describe, it could be or could be a million other things, personal things, family things and so on. Who knows really. I think your first glaring red flag was that she cancelled you going with her to meet the family. When I say glaring red flag, I mean that her feelings for you were changing already and that she no longer wanted you to meet the family and be a part of that event. The whole family drama was really just a polite excuse to keep you calm.

    Basically, OP, just because everything was peaches and cream for you, doesn't mean that she felt the same or shared your perspective on the state of the relationship. It's probably best for your mental health and well being that you accept that rather than trying to convince yourself that she cheated. It might well be exactly what she said - that for reasons that have nothing to do with you, she just isn't in a good personal space to be in a relationship, so she ended things. It might be a good idea for you to respect that rather than doing the "man thing" and jumping in with "I can fix it." You can't fix anything when it's not about you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You keep saying how perfect it was, but that's only your interpretation. She might have not been happy and in fact, I would venture to guess that she wasn't for a while before she left for this wedding.

    I think she made an excuse so you wouldn't go. It sounds like she wanted space and was already unhappy by then. Maybe you didn't realize it. But it does sound like she wanted space even before she left.

    While she was away, if I were to guess, I wouldn't think she cheated.
    I think it was the reasons she told you. She felt you were being too needy, clingy, etc and wanted to be away from you.
    She most likely second guessed things before she left.

    When she was away from you, she got a more clearer picture of how she felt and how things really were for her. She obviously felt suffocated and wasn't happy.
    Being away from you, she saw that even more.

    I don't know what went on in your relationship, OP. But what you seen as perfection, she might have seen as overbearing.
    You thinking the texting all the time was wonderful, she might have seen as tedious.
    You thinking you were both happy and she was feeling like it was too much.

    I am only going on what you wrote and how it could have been on her side. Your idea of perfection and her idea of perfection might not have been as clear cut as you thought.
    She obviously wasn't happy like you thought she was.

    I think the best thing you can do now is come to terms with it. Accept that it is over and do your best to heal from this all.

    It comes down to not being compatible with each other.
    Maybe you didn't talk enough during your time together and you just assumed that things were okay. Maybe she wasn't honest enough with you on how she wanted things or what worked better for her.

    Either way, it's best if you accept that it wasn't working as well as you thought. Don't blame yourself, if she wasn't happy, it's too bad she didn't express that to you long before she felt the need to leave.

    I really do hope you'll find ways to heal and even take the lessons this has taught. Good or bad. And I hope you will keep moving forward.

  4. #4
    Silver Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    i just wanted to inject that closure comes from within. You give yourself closure.
    It happens when we just decide it's time to move on and not to dwell any longer....

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    At this point, whether she cheated or not doesn't matter. What you should be thinking is that she failed to meet your needs near the end of the relationship, and she didn't care enough to work on any problems she perceived with communication. You mindset is that a person should treat you special to stay in your life. The mere fact that she needed a break from you like you were a toxic substance she couldn't bear to breathe in would be enough for me to say: Yes, let's take a break. How about forever?

    Either of these scenarios are just guesses. !. You made her the center of your universe--you don't have hobbies or friends besides spending time with her, and she felt smothered by that. Or: 2. She has poor self esteem and subconsciously feels like a great guy is too good for her, and only dysfunction feels right to her, so she feels more at home with jerks.

    It could be something entirely different, but you will never know. Your fate lies with someone else, so mourn, heal, and one day you will be in a good place to risk your heart on someone else. Take care.

  7. #6
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    From reading your post, I am almost completely confident that she did cheat on you. The relationship you two had was a bit too short to know if it was a good relationship or if you had truly gotten past the honeymoon phase, and it sounds like she's trying to defend herself, from herself.

    Closure will have to come from within. Be happy this person is no longer your partner. You deserve a partner who will not cheat, and if she was unhappy in some ways (be those ways life or the relationship with you), then you deserve a partner who doesn't try to seek solutions to her problems through a relationship or a partner who communicates with you and tries to build a conscious, mutually-rewarding relationship with you. Work on changing your life and building things (non-romantic relationships with people, or fulfilling structures of other forms) to help divert your emotional investment into things that are part of your future and that are rewarding, not harmful things from your past. If there is a potential problem with being too smothering or etc, then doing these things would help you with that as well, but I would avoid internalizing too much of what happened to you with all this. In the end, being cheated on (or, in the very least, having someone be dishonest to you through omission and not respecting you enough to give you clarity) is not going to be your fault.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    From reading your post, I am almost completely confident that she did cheat on you.
    What exactly indicates cheating, as opposed to her not being happy and maybe just wanting time away from him?
    I am curious to know.

    It would be different if he found texts from another man or heard a man in the background or something substantial that would indicate someone else in the picture.
    But from what I read, she just wanted space.

  9. #8
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    I can't tell if she cheated or not.

    But does it matter? What matters is that, unfortunately, she didn't want to be with you anymore. I've been on the receiving end of that rejection, so I get how hurtful it is, and how hard it is to get over.

    Her lapses in texting, her making up a "family drama" excuse as to why she didn't want you to attend that wedding, and frankly, her finding someone new so quickly all point to one thing: You weren't it for her. Regardless of whether she met Mr. Wonderful while you were together or after, she just wanted out.

    She already gave you closure. She said you were needy and clingy. She simply fell out of love, or out of intense feelings, with you. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, you've had the answer all along.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Sounds like she was already done before she took the trip. The rest is irrelevant, done is done.

    Needy and clingy are a thing most people can't recover from. It snuffs out respect, and once someone loses that, it's over.

    I'd skip drilling into whether she cheated or not. It won't buy you anything, and it won't get her back. I'd focus instead on the stuff that made you needy and clingy. If you can work with a therapist, that's probably your best bet.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I fully agree with the others, Im also curious how one can read that and the focus be on the Ďcheatingí... to me itís kinda indicative of ones mindset and itís not a healthy one. Itís a ĎIím not the problem they are, letís pin something on themí mindset, or a ď I canít get over this until I see them as a bad personĒ mindset, itís a mindset thatíll leave you stuck and ruminating and miserable. Please get off the crazy train, OPer.

    The equivalent of your focus would be me thinking of an ex and exclaiming ď he didnít hold the door for me that one time we went to the movies!Ē It holds the same level of irrelevance post breakup. Woulda coulda shoulda, we all do the relationship post mortem recap, but not to this level, this level isnít good for you in the long term. As others have stated your time is going to be MUCH better spent focusing on your actions. My ex is currently dating a woman who was a bit too friendly and around a bit too much early in our marriage, Iíve had people come up to me and ask ď oh my gosh, do you think he cheated?Ē my response is alwaysĒ, what does it matter now? Add it to the heaping pile of reasons the marriage failedĒ itís simply not worth the mental space.

    One day at a time, itís gonna be ok.

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