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Keeping the friendship or Backing off ? Relationship with a Girl


OOOggEEEgg

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Hello everyone.

 

This year is my first year at college. At the beginning of the year, there is this female classmate who seemed interested ine me, she asked for my phone number, asked me to hang out and when she needs help with something, i'm the first one she comes to. I thought she was a very nice girl and i started to like her back. We walked home together, laughed, flirted and studied together, and we enjoyed each other company. I made sure to give her room, as i have other things to do until the day i saw her with her boyfriend.

 

He came to see her in our faculty and i got pissed, so i didn't go near them. I didn't ask her or anyone if he was really her boyfriend or not, but by the way they were behaving, anyone can tell and i confirmed it when i checked their interactions on social media. She never brought him up in the past so it was a chock for me.

 

The next week, she left me to do a pair work we are supposed to do together all by myself.

 

She turned down an offer to go out to have some dinner together.

 

I realised that i was either friendzoned or just being used to fill the gap of her boyfriend only when he is not around, as he doesn't study with us. So i decided to focus on more important things and stop giving her too much attention or time, i am still helping her when she needs something, and i walk her home sometimes, but we are not the same as before.

 

I can't help but think about her, a part of me says that i was played and i have to be cold and stop giving her attention because she played me, but another part of myself says that i'm being childish and immature by acting that way around a girl that may just be friendly and it might be my fault for misunderstanding friendship for attraction.

 

Am i doing the right thing ? What should i do ?

 

Thank you

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Sorry bud, but this is completely on you. You developed an attraction for her and made a lot of assumptions without ever actually verifying that she is single.

 

Lesson learned. Next time you think a girl is into you or you are into her, ask if she is single or not right off the bat. It will save you a lot grief and hurt feelings.

 

As for this girl, she didn't use you or do anything to you. If you want to be her friend and genuinely can put your attraction to her aside, then carry on. If you can't be her pal, then just stop. Whatever you do, don't be that guy who orbits around a woman hoping that some day she'll be single and you can pounce her. That never works out the way you hope and leads to more bitterness and resentments.

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yeah you got played.

yes she used you.

time to learn and move on.

time to stop doing "nice things" for her - she's using you (to even do her homework/projects for her for school! perhaps she acted nice to you for that purpose - knowing you might do her homework for her).

 

it wasn't clear to me what you were doing about it in yoru post (to answer "are you doing the right thing") - but the right thing to do is to not cover for her, do anythign for her, or like her, or think about her anymore. Keep doing for yourself.

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You developed an attraction for her and made a lot of assumptions without ever actually verifying that she is single.

 

Lesson learned. Next time you think a girl is into you or you are into her, ask if she is single or not right off the bat. It will save you a lot grief and hurt feelings.

 

As for this girl, she didn't use you or do anything to you.

Not if she was flirting and spending excessive alone time with him. She should of spoken up and drew the line, but instead she also gave the OP mixed messages that would easily cause him to presume that she was single.

 

Even if you like the attention, it’s not appropriate to flirt with others while in a relationship.

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It completely sounds like she can feel how you feel towards her, and she is taking advantage. What you said about her filling the gap of her boyfriend also sounds completely logical.

 

She is most likely just using you to help her with her studies, feed her, take her out, laugh with her, but then she goes back to her boyfriend. To make matters worse, she didn't even tell you about him. She doesn't care if you are interested, although I'm sure she knows. She's most likely ignorant of that fact, but it seems so much that she is doing this on purpose, due to the mixed messages she's been giving you.

 

Man.. back off, change your attitude, don't be naive and don't let her manipulate you into giving your free time, expressing your soul to her, and falling more for her while she just leaves a couple of breadcrumbs on the ground after her. Just threat her as any other person, or just don't talk to her at all until you feel better. If talking to her makes you feel sad because of all those facts, just cut the ties.

 

Use this time to work on you.

Use this time to study for YOU.

Use this time to improve YOU, for YOU to have fun, for YOU to gain advantage, for YOU to progress and prosper.

 

People like her, they are all over the place. The just come to eat the "Good Person" cake you have been baking and want to share, but after they eat it, they will leave and they will leave you without any more cake...

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That's what i thought. Right now we have 2 weeks vacations so we won't see each other in a while. But when we do

No more excessive help, no more hanging out, no more flirting, i'll use my time fully for my own profit ... Whether it was my fault or hers, i'm not interested in her anymore, this is ALL about me and how i handled things. My mistake was being too helpful, but i will make sure this never happens again.

 

I'm not intending to ignore her because that is not in my nature, that will make me feel like a jerk. But i will be more intimidating and threatening because i want my pride back.

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I meant it in a way where she forgets the " very nice personnality ", and thinks twice before she ever thinks about using me. I don't mean any harm or offense towards her, this is for the best for both of us, i'll keep the friendship and i still care about her in a way, she is a girl after all, i don't hate her or anything don't get me wrong.

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Hi everyone.

 

This is my first year at college, and there is this female classmate that is causing me trouble . I want your opinion and advice on our relationship.

 

After a few weeks of the start of the academic year, she asked me for my phone number, she wanted to hang out with me, to do pair work projects with me, asked me for help though we barely know each other. The thought of her being interested in me has been spinning in my head, but i didn't let my guard down, as i don't know what kind of girl she really is ... As time passed, i really started to like her back, she flirted with me, asked me to go have some lunch together sometimes, texted me from time to time on social media ... I became more and more sure of it, she is into me and she is single. There was a time when i helped her learning something, she was very grateful and said that i'm the only person she can rely on.

 

I asked her out for dinner. We waited for each other to walk home together. We flirted, laughed and enjoyed each other company. I made sure to give her space to miss me as i have have other things to do and i wasn't too available, i don't go sit right next to her every damn time on classes, i hang out with other friends.

Even some of our classmates were mistaking us for being a couple. When it's time to go to class and we are all together, she grabs ME in front of everyone and drags me with her to go to class. She rests her head on my shoulder sometimes in public.

Despite the fact that she is the touchy, friendly girl with other guys too, i was sure that she was different towards me ... But everything changed the day her boyfriend came to our faculty.

 

I got very pissed the moment i saw them together so i didn't go near them and avoided them. She never mentionned to me that she has a boyfriend, she never brought it up so it was a chock for me.

 

" How did you know it was her boyfriend ? Maybe he is a close friend ? " Anyone can tell that they are a couple from the way they are behaving and i confirmed it recently by seeing their interactions on social media. He is her boyfriend ... But here is the thing : he came to see her twice in our faculty and as i said, i avoided being near them, what's strange is that she made sure to text me by the end of the day, with unusual texts, " Did you get home safe ? " & " You alright ? It looked like you were too tired today ".

 

Next week, she left me to do some pair work, we are supposed to do together, all by myself because she said she is visiting some family and she contacted me only late at night to make sure i finished it.

She turned down offers to go out to have some lunch or dinner.

 

I started to back off, i don't like being around her anymore because i realised i was either friendzoned, played or used to fill the gap of her boyfriend when he is not around.

 

I can't help but think, a part of me says that it was her fault for not letting me know that she is in a relationship while spending all that time with me, but a part of me says that i was being immature and childish to mistake friendly attitude for attraction. I really enjoyed being around her in the past but i'm not interested in seeing her anymore, matter of fact i don't want to and i find myself avoiding her unconsciously.

 

Right now, we are on vacations for 2 weeks and i won't see her until then and i'm thinking about keeping a stable friendship with her, as i don't want to look like a jerk for ignoring her all of a sudden, that is not in my nature. But i will stop doing excessive nice things to her, stop hanging out with her, and i will step back every time she tries to flirt and i will use my time for my own profit.

 

What do you think ? Is this the right thing to do ? Did i really mistake friendship for attraction ? What would you do in my situation ?

 

Looking forward to your advices and opinons.

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You seem astute enough to know what's really going on here. You also seem to realize that it's best to back off and date other girls.

But everything changed the day her boyfriend came to our faculty.

 

I started to back off, i don't like being around her anymore because i realised i was either friendzoned played or used to fill the gap of her boyfriend when he is not around.

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But i will be more intimidating and threatening because i want my pride back.

 

That's the kind of thinking that gets people into deep trouble. I'd skip that.

 

I meant it in a way where she forgets the " very nice personnality ", and thinks twice before she ever thinks about using me. I don't mean any harm or offense towards her, this is for the best for both of us, i'll keep the friendship and i still care about her in a way, she is a girl after all, i don't hate her or anything don't get me wrong.

 

You can be kind without being a pushover. Just treat her like a professional colleague--polite but strictly focused on business. If she asks for 'help,' you can just say you're not available. It's not like you're leaving her in some kind of distress--she has a boyfriend.

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