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Thread: Feel like my best friend isn't on my side anymore..

  1. #1
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    Feel like my best friend isn't on my side anymore..

    Hi everyone. This is a question about my very best friend. We have been friends for 17 years..

    Over the last year I've noticed some changes in her. She seems almost.. Annoyed with me whenever I contact her. She's fine if it's her initiating contact, but if it's me she acts like she doesn't want to talk to me and is just generally annoyed that I contacted her. It's gotten to the point I don't contact her first very often anymore, and she will reach out maybe once or twice a week or something.

    I also noticed that she's criticising my physical looks, as well as my relationship and dating choices.I lost a significant amount of weight over the last year. Everyone else tells me I look great, healthy, athletic she keeps telling me I need to gain more weight and I even saw my doctor over it and she told me I'm completely healthy yet my friend keeps criticising my looks and scaring me with her comments and concern over my weight.

    She also keeps criticising me for my dating choices, which have been mostly online recently because my life is very busy, yet I've noticed she won't ever set me up with any of the many single men she knows even if I show interest in them..

    Is she just.. Over me? Sick and tired of me? No I haven't brought this up to her, it's actually really awkward and I don't know if I should bring it up at all or just accept that this is the new dynamic of our relationship which is her initiating all the contact and me listening to some pretty harsh criticism...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    People grow apart. Isn't 1-2 x/week quite a bit/enough? It would be best to not confide as much or complain about your looks, weight, dating life, etc to her if all she does is "criticize".

    Perhaps it's best to confide in a therapist about weight, eating, dieting, looks and love-life issues. That way you can discuss these things openly and get good professional tips/guidance. Also you could focus more on just being friends rather than talking about your problems to her.
    Originally Posted by nowimnothing
    she will reach out maybe once or twice a week or something. I also noticed that she's criticising my physical looks, as well as my relationship and dating choices

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    It might not even have anything to do with you, her sudden change in the way she acts as a friend towards you may be something personal going on on her end. Sometimes when we are struggling we'd rather project that onto other people, even the ones we love, than to face that struggle ourselves. It's obviously not the right thing to do, but sometimes it's just how people choose to cope with something they're going through. The way she criticises you may be more about herself than you. I think you really need to talk to her; you've known each other 17 years, you should be able to sit down and have a discussion. Just because something may be awkward doesn't mean it shouldn't happen.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think you two may be growing apart. If you have known each other since you were kids, or in school, then it may well be you've outgrown each other. I've had that happen to me with people I was sure would always be in my life.

    People who criticize others like she is doing are often unhappy with themselves, or just plain jealous of you. She may be envious of the weight you have lost as now you look really good, and she may think she doesnt look as good as you do.

    If you cant bring yourself to discuss this with her you may need to move on from her People like that drain the life out of you.

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  6. #5
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    She's jealous of you, plain & simple.

    It's likely caused by envy of your recent weight loss, and the positive attention you're receiving. She just can't stand it.

    You are now realizing that she is not your friend.

    I have a thread right now in which I'm untangling myself from a very long-term friendship over similar things. You can click on my name and read it, but the advice given to me is what I'll give to you: remove her from your life. See her in large groups only, if you have mutual friends. Blank-stare her when she comes up with this nonsense.

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    I agree with what many have said about her projecting her unhappiness onto you. I was in a pretty major funk in my early 30s and caught myself doing something similar with people I cared about. It took my realization to take steps to prevent doing it and most of the people that I had lashed out at are still close friends 10 years later. It doesn't mean you are growing apart, necessarily. She may not realize that she is doing it. I think you do need to talk to her about it in a constructive manner. Don't get mad or upset, just present what she has done. She will probably ask for examples, so be prepared. Hopefully you can bring this to her attention and she will be more aware and want to change.

    Good luck!!

  8. #7
    Silver Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    Yes almost always they are projecting their unhappiness with you. And misery loves company.
    As for the specifics - it al makes sense. You are dating, getting healthier, losing weight, looking better, and making POSITIVE changes in your life while she is NOT.

    Miser loves company. She is mad at you b/c she is miserable and she's losing that bond with you being miserable with her.

    At this point she is not your friend. A true friend would be estatic about your successes and progress and improvements. Time to either stop being her friend (she'll drag you down eventually) or hopefully help inspire her to get out of her misery and improve her life too. As "best friends" you should give an attempt at the latter - but .... misery loves company. Some people are just "happier" with life being miserable. This could be her.

  9. #8
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    She sounds jealous. Is she single? Is she heavy?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I never label anyone a best friend because in my experience, friendships often evolve, change, lessen, grow, or end and labeling something gives it an expectation that can be unreasonable. She's made decisions on changing how often she wants to communicate with you, and how she speaks to you. Now, you'll have to make decisions that are best for yourself. I'd have a mature discussion with her as it's best not to bottle up your feelings on how you're being treated. I'd say: I guess you no longer want me calling you x amount of days in the week because you seem to be annoyed when I call you. (And then listen to her reply. You will probably know if she's being honest or not.) I'd also say: I enjoyed our friendship when (fill her in) but now I feel like every time we talk, you're criticizing my weight and my dating practices, which is stressing me out.

    If she doesn't care how you feel, then maybe it's time to let the friendship fade away. Hopefully, her behavior will improve, and if so, don't put in more effort than her in communication and asking to get together. It sounds like maybe she thinks your get togethers and calls happen too often, so if you don't have any other friends, it's time to begin some new activities so that one person isn't the sole center of your social life. I'm not saying this is the case because you haven't mentioned what your situation is--just putting it out there in case you've relied on your bestie too much. Take care.

  11. #10
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    You know what, people who mostly criticize you aren't worth your time. Honestly, it's best to surround yourself with people who build you up and to drop those that tear you down.

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