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Thrown in my face


leeuhhwk

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Hi everyone, any and all input/advice would be appreciated.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we’ve lived together for 3. While I worked full time I contributed whatever I could financially (he makes substantially more than I did).

 

However, I went back to school this September and we both agreed that school would be my main focus and he emphasized to take advantage of the opportunity and had things covered. I pay for my own personal bills (car, insurance, phone and personal expenses) and he pretty much pays for everything else (he owns the house) and I will buy a few groceries or dinners but nothing huge.

 

Today, in an argument he threw in my face that he pays for everything. I am well aware of that fact and am appreciative of everything. It’s not like I’m sitting at home doing nothing, I am working toward my career. I am so beyond hurt as now it’s obvious there’s some resentment. What do I do and how do I address this?

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It wasn't adressed, I immediately shut down because I was hurt. I left the situation and went to study, he never said sorry just that he didn't want to argue anymore and that he loved me before he left for work. So I'm not sure if he even realized what he said or how mean it was.

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With equality comes an expectation to pull your own weight.

 

I understand the agreement you made and many before you have successfully made the agreement but both have to be in it 100% no resentment. None of that, unfortunately the cats been let out the bag. We can argue back and forth about whether or not what he says was mean to me what matters is where his head is at and is resentment there.

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So I'm not sure if he even realized what he said or how mean it was.

 

You should talk to him about it. But give it a little bit of time before you do so. Don't rush to discuss it. Take a few weeks if you have to. The problem isn't going anywhere.

 

When enough time passes for things to have settled down completely, bring it up to him.

 

I'm not sure exactly what he said in the argument, but ask him what you did specifically to cause him to feel that way.

 

He may tell you something you weren't aware of, which you can fix. Or, he may admit that he was speaking out of anger and apologize.

 

The key is to find your moment. Until that time, put it out of your mind completely and focus on the positive in your relationship.

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It sounds to me like he felt a bit pissed off that he pays the majority of stuff and you couldn't put the effort in to at least get something for dinner . A moment of resentment is what it sounds like ....only he knows if this was something that has being bubbling in the pot and he burst or a one off frustration that as he does most of the paying he expects you to at least make the effort with more vigour to at least get dinner in .

 

He made this agreement with you and you can't be held ransom over it . I would feel more then a little awkward now .

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You had an agreement that he would pay the majority of the bills due to you going to school.

You make far less money than he does and you both understood this.

 

The problem comes in when the other person holds this as power over your head or has resentment. It sounds as though he has both.

 

Situations like this are always precarious. It can obviously work if both partners are fair and there is no resentment. But it's difficult and normally doesn't work.

 

He is going to continue resenting you and feeling like he has all the power seeing as he's paying your way.

It's why it's never a good idea to get into situations like this.

 

You can talk about it, but it doesn't fix it. This is how he see's it and it took anger for it to come out.

 

All you can do now is decide if you're going to allow yourself to be in this situation knowing how he feels.

You're also never going to be on equal ground with it being like this.

 

It really does come down to if you can continue like this and if he will continue like this.

He might be feeling tired of it and used and I doubt you will feel comfortable knowing these thoughts are going through his head.

 

It might have seemed like a small fight, but it was quite a substantial blow to the foundation of your relationship.

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What was the argument about? Does he feel you are pulling your weight in other ways? Perhaps he expects you to contribute more in other ways now that you are only contributing to yourself, your stuff, your education, etc.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like a poor arrangement and a lack of communication. For example the grocery argument. Your stance is you are so busy with school and furthering yourself that now in addition to footing all the bills and supporting you he has the additional work of doing household stuff. His stance is since you are making no contribution financially perhaps you could pick up the slack in other ways.

 

Have you considered working part time, applying for financial assistance, etc to help finance your own education?

I went back to school this September and we both agreed that school would be my main focus. I pay for my own personal bills. Today, in an argument he threw in my face that he pays for everything. it’s obvious there’s some resentment.
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The reason I ask for more details is because there's a whopping difference between him holding it over you and you putting him in a position to need to remind you.

 

Make no mistake that him subsidizing your cost of living while you school is a favor to you. You can make any argument you want about how you'll come out of it making more money which in turn will benefit both of you, but fact is that's about the least secure investment anyone could make based on a whole array of factors, not least of which is whether you two as an unmarried couple will still be together for him to reap any benefit of a higher combined income with you.

 

Is that saying he's some kind of chump? No. It sounds like he's doing what I'd guess most caring, long-time and able-walleted partners would be naturally inclined to do after watching their lady pull her 1200th shift at Fuddruckers. Speaking personally, I supported my now wife through her residency. Granted everyone's different and I don't know what program you're in, but if she could handle residency, studying for boards, and getting published while contributing fairly to the household, it's difficult not to expect the same of pretty much anyone else.

 

But as others have said, the situation can quite easily become pathogenic. Where I might disagree with some is with the assertion that resentment is more or less inherent to the situation itself. Anecdotal, I know, but I can safely say I never once felt resentment. Then again, one of her jobs was to make sure milk was in the fridge and that she did. If he's bitter over the sheer fact he's taken over your financial household contributions, then yes, the resentment is innate and you're going to have to ask yourself if going to school as a financial dependent is worth that resentment likely being a constant factor. If as a result of him covering you, you're not beholden to 9 hour shifts 5 days a week and are thus expected to run certain errands in the time he can't or shouldn't have to, it's a bit harder to sympathize. With respect to the fact most your coursework and studies are going to be done outside the 15 hours or whatever you're physically in the classroom, you should still be able to manage your time to fit in whatever household responsibilities you've got.

 

Think of it this way. If he wasn't in the picture and you were going to school, you'd likely be working part time (or full time as many of us have concurrent with studies) to pay rent, you'd be doing your own grocery shopping, you'd be cleaning the house, etc. Yes, him supporting you is meant to ease your burden to better facilitate your studies than if you were on your own, but you should still be putting in an honest, even if proportioned effort into making sure those responsibilities you'd otherwise have to yourself are being reflected in the household. It's often the failure to do so and a propensity to become overly dependent which leads to resentment.

 

But, again, guy could just as well be acting like an ass about it all. Since you're the one here, I'm jumping the gun a bit and offering advice that may be actionable for your part, should it apply.

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Sounds like he's expecting you to do the grocery shopping because he's working, and you don't think so.

 

I had a friend in college who had the same homework assignments as me and our friends, and all she did was complain how much homework she had, whereas we all just finished our work with no complaining.

 

When I was going to school full-time, I was also working part-time, had an internship, and preparing a series of paintings for an art show at night, and still had time to buy groceries.

 

I think if someone is covering all your bills, you should step up with caring for the household regardless if you are going to school full-time. Classes are generally 90 minutes to some 6 hours. And Homework equates to the amount of class. So if you are doing 5 classes for 15 credits, you definitely have time to get to the store.

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What was the argument about? Does he feel you are pulling your weight in other ways? Perhaps he expects you to contribute more in other ways now that you are only contributing to yourself, your stuff, your education, etc.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like a poor arrangement and a lack of communication. For example the grocery argument. Your stance is you are so busy with school and furthering yourself that now in addition to footing all the bills and supporting you he has the additional work of doing household stuff. His stance is since you are making no contribution financially perhaps you could pick up the slack in other ways.

 

Have you considered working part time, applying for financial assistance, etc to help finance your own education?

 

It was an argument about what I was making over dinner. He didn't want it and I didn't want to go out to eat/get fast food. We normally take turns cooking. I usually cook 4-5 times a week. I am the only one who does cleaning around the house, he does laundry. One time that I don't go grocery shopping in the middle of studying for finals does not seem merit enough to start throwing it in my face.

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I am a funded student, my tutiton, books and expenses are paid for. He pays for household stuff, and the way I see it he would be paying regardless of whether or not I was there. School is the equivalent, if not more, of a full time job. I'm in law school so it's not a light course load. A full time job when you clock out and come home, you are done. When I come home I have notes, assignments, papers and reading to do. If he were to not pay for my way at home, I would be at home doing the exact same thing with my parents.

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This is a one time occurenced. I clean, cook and shop for him. The one time I've been focused on finals and haven't made it to the gorcery store is unfair. and life happens. It's not as if there was nothing in the house, or we were starving. I was making him dinner, it wasn't something that he wanted. To me it's ungrateful and entitled.

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This is a one time occurenced. I clean, cook and shop for him. The one time I've been focused on finals and haven't made it to the gorcery store is unfair. and life happens. It's not as if there was nothing in the house, or we were starving. I was making him dinner, it wasn't something that he wanted. To me it's ungrateful and entitled.

 

Something else must be going on ...something has made him burst with this ...Is eveything else ok with you both ? Or is it a one of case of blurting out something he didn't really mean .

 

I don't think he is ungrateful or entitled but he does need to remember he made this deal with you .

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I once argued with my ex over dinner.

 

I had told him I would be making enchiladas that night. When I got home from work, he said he wasn't hungry and didn't want to stop what he was doing to eat dinner anyway. So I didn't make the enchiladas and instead just went out and bought myself something to eat. Hours later he complained that he'd been looking forward to the enchiladas all day and I had just bailed on my promise for no reason and now he was starved and had nothing to eat.

 

Insert eye roll here.

 

He was picking on me because he really wanted me to move out but was just too chicken to say so. Plus, his buddy was over. The buddy who was constantly harping on him to dump me because, according to the buddy, I was a controlling b-word.

 

In your case, there could be a lot of factors. Maybe with your finals happening he's feeling neglected. Maybe he had a bad day at work. Maybe one of his buddies told him you're freeloading. Who knows.

 

But I would have a discussion with him. Ask him if the deal he made with you is no longer working for him. And if it's not, what alternative does he suggest?

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You mention that it's his house, so in reality there is not a lot of supporting going on here of you, OP. He has to pay his mortgage whether you live there or not. Sounds like you are doing your fair share of chores around the home as well. For those who say but what about the electric, water, etc. I've literally never noticed any difference in those from one extra person in the house. Might be different if you are talking 10 people suddenly move on, but one? If there is a change, it's negligible. As for food and groceries, again, sounds like you do your fair share.

 

It really could have just been a one off, bad day, blowing steam. It could be there is something else going on that he is unhappy about. Either way, you two need to sit down when you are both calm and have a conversation about it.

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