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My case might be rare


LivingLife1

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So I posted before about a casual situation where I started catching feelings for my partner but out of nowhere they broke it off in a tacky way. I get it, casual holds no merit but it happens. I grew a bond with my partner as a friend. Uplifting, encouraging, similar career interests and of course the attraction. I figured along the way we weren't a match but valued the friendship. So although it initially hurt because I immediately thought of the death of the friendship and my growing feelings, I still valued that friendship. During it he had never disrespected me. However, he told me he started seeing someone and so I stopped contact. A few days after he broke it off he called, said the time had been rough on him, told me about his business plans, I told him it was good hearing from him the time had been rough on me too but I wanted him to be happy. No contact rules don't really apply because of the casual nature of it so I wasn't stopping contact FOR reconnection etc. But to try to readjust my feelings and heal from it happening suddenly.

 

From my upbringing/past I didn't feel the need to stop contact because of my emotions. I've done that before over anger and the person passed before we could make up (family member). I'd feel horrible if that happened BUT interacting with him is helping me heal faster and platonic feelings are taking over. He text early am asking how I was this week (some days after the last time). I felt comfort to hear from him. He asked what I was doing and I told him the exciting news, got really excited and text back more about moving away for work. I didn't think much of it but he just stopped texting and never said " got to go " or responded to the info he asked about. It's making me not want the friendship because it's just not the same. I don't feel the genuine encouragement. Getting excited feeling like I could share the news with someone who cares yet... No sexual things were said but it feels weird like we're sneaking behind someone's back. It's like a vibe.

 

I think I'm understanding why it's not a good idea to be friends but I would never forgive myself if something happened to him. ADVICE PLEASE.

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Huh. Part of me wonders if he was starting to feel it too, hence why he ended seeing someone else and told you it was rough on him. And now you said you're leaving and you were excited about it, so it might have left him in a weird place. Oh, well. If he wants to date you, he knows how you feel and he's free to step up. I would just focus on your plans and if he comes around, great. No sense in analyzing a FWB situation because it will just keep you in limbo. Also, even if you take a break from someone in order to heal or move on, that doesn't mean they have to be on ice forever or that there's ill will involved. Just communicate that if that's what you need--a person who is healthy and cares for you (platonic or otherwise) will understand.

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Just sounds like you need a real minute of space. That’s okay. Take it, so you really heal on your own. You’ll know when your feelings a genuinely, fully, solely platonic and then you can have a friendship.

 

I have many great friendships with exes, former lovers. None of them just blurred from one to the other. One or both of us were able to communicate (a) respect and affection and (b) a need for silence to let feelings burn off.

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That’s the flaw of staying in an exes life. I see you’re trying to justify it for this reason and that but look, at the end of the day he isn’t simply a platonic friend and that’s why it’s upsetting you so much

 

Think about a platonic friend, if they don’t text you back do you get anxious? Do you over think? Do you start to feel insecure? Of course not! You go on with your day until you hear that ding or in my case you call them up and yell hey! Check your messages butthead! That’s what friendship is, we feel safe and secure with our friends.

 

He’s not your friend. At least not right now.

 

Give it time.

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Your feelings for him are not platonic yet, OP.

 

I know you want to hang on to friendship, but you are still not in that emotional place. And that's okay. He is showing you he that he doesn't have hard feelings, but that he isn't that keen to keep up close contact either. I imagine he does care about you but also doesn't want to lead you to think he's got a renewed romantic interest.

 

Take your space from him. Foster your other friendships so you don't come to attach so much emotionaly meaning to messages from him. Maybe one day, after you've reached a point of greater indifference about him, you can be friends again. Now is evidently not the right time.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it's quite common to cease contact with a friend/fwb/casual situation when someone gets in a relationship. Perhaps it's time to think about dating available interested guys and also making some new friends. This guy seems to want to fade out of the picture because he's moved on.

he told me he started seeing someone and so I stopped contact. A few days after he broke it off
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Your feelings for him are not platonic and he's in a relationship. It's perfectly normal for someone to reduce or end contact with an ex fwb while they're in a relationship. It's the respectful thing to do to his partner and also to you. You're not "regular friends", not at this point. Also, you still have some sort of feelings for him or you wouldn't be feeling like this about him reducing contact or not continuing conversation. If you want to move on from him and perhaps find someone, you need to detach from him at this time. Don't lean on him for emotional support or for friendship. You two are not there, at least not yet. Go no contact for yourself and focus on your own "regular platonic friends" or on meeting new people.

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I missed that little nugget at first but the fact that after he broke up he tells you ‘it was rough for him’ is a flashing red light over his head that says “trying to get laid and ego boosted”. I think it’s bat who says something like watch the feet not the mouth, or something close to that, essentially he’s telling you these sweet things when it’s convienient for him. I messed with my FWB for months thinking every little nuance meant something, thinking my situation was unique, it wasn’t and yours isnt either. He knows exactly how to get into a relationship, he was just in one. His mouth isn’t broken nor does he have an issue being vulnerable with you so his words are saying one thing but his actions another. You’re projecting a lot here. Get some distance for you. If he’s secretly in love with you the NC will expedite him coming clean, if not he’s just trying to get you back into your back up girl position and I think it’s safe to say you want more than that.

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Huh. Part of me wonders if he was starting to feel it too, hence why he ended seeing someone else and told you it was rough on him. And now you said you're leaving and you were excited about it, so it might have left him in a weird place. Oh, well. If he wants to date you, he knows how you feel and he's free to step up. I would just focus on your plans and if he comes around, great. No sense in analyzing a FWB situation because it will just keep you in limbo. Also, even if you take a break from someone in order to heal or move on, that doesn't mean they have to be on ice forever or that there's ill will involved. Just communicate that if that's what you need--a person who is healthy and cares for you (platonic or otherwise) will understand.

 

Oh I didn't even think about it like that, I assume he wouldn't care if I moves because we don't talk as much and have not seen each other in a month now but it makes sense ...thats why I ask for advice, those outside of the situation with no history with the person can read between the lines

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That’s the flaw of staying in an exes life. I see you’re trying to justify it for this reason and that but look, at the end of the day he isn’t simply a platonic friend and that’s why it’s upsetting you so much

 

Think about a platonic friend, if they don’t text you back do you get anxious? Do you over think? Do you start to feel insecure? Of course not! You go on with your day until you hear that ding or in my case you call them up and yell hey! Check your messages butthead! That’s what friendship is, we feel safe and secure with our friends.

 

He’s not your friend. At least not right now.

 

Give it time.

 

You're right, I just expect him to be better at communicating at this point since we aren't physical. I haven't seen him in person so my anxiety of wondering if he suddenly stops responding, I wonder if he's ok but don't want to seem needy/inappropriate if I call which may appear " what are you up to, you're going to answer me " like a jealous crazed fling. After the situation with my cousin I just never want to feel that kind of guilt again.

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Your feelings for him are not platonic yet, OP.

 

I know you want to hang on to friendship, but you are still not in that emotional place. And that's okay. He is showing you he that he doesn't have hard feelings, but that he isn't that keen to keep up close contact either. I imagine he does care about you but also doesn't want to lead you to think he's got a renewed romantic interest.

 

Take your space from him. Foster your other friendships so you don't come to attach so much emotionaly meaning to messages from him. Maybe one day, after you've reached a point of greater indifference about him, you can be friends again. Now is evidently not the right time.

 

I agree. But the interaction is helping but will take more time. I'm just wondering if I should respond first next time so it won't feel so weirdly sneaky if he always initates, but then again going no contact to me doesn't seem to help casual because I really want to move and get back to my old life, before him. A lot of time had been adjusted around fitting time in with him. It just feels so weird not to have that anymore. I just keep wondering if maybe I'm the one who's making it feel weird by not initiating welfare conversations. Maybe it seems like I am trying to get his attention or just saying things thinking it will cause some ill feelings ... I'm starting to think it's how I'm handling it that makes it feel so weird now too. Crazy thing is I was planning to text him to check up on him right before he text me.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it's quite common to cease contact with a friend/fwb/casual situation when someone gets in a relationship. Perhaps it's time to think about dating available interested guys and also making some new friends. This guy seems to want to fade out of the picture because he's moved on.

 

Exactly but im not really a people person so its hard for me to find guys attractive enough because i dont base the attraction off of wealth/looks but overall personality/manners. I live in a big city where dating is horrible so if they are well off they tend to be arrogant which kills any attraction, so looking for others this fast isn't for me. But I am trying to strengthen my bonds with my new girlfriends and old friends but they're all so busy right now! Sometimes it literally takes me years to find someone I even like.

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You're right, I just expect him to be better at communicating at this point since we aren't physical. I haven't seen him in person so my anxiety of wondering if he suddenly stops responding, I wonder if he's ok but don't want to seem needy/inappropriate if I call which may appear " what are you up to, you're going to answer me " like a jealous crazed fling. After the situation with my cousin I just never want to feel that kind of guilt again.

 

 

You must go NC. No way can you be friends now!

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I missed that little nugget at first but the fact that after he broke up he tells you ‘it was rough for him’ is a flashing red light over his head that says “trying to get laid and ego boosted”. I think it’s bat who says something like watch the feet not the mouth, or something close to that, essentially he’s telling you these sweet things when it’s convienient for him. I messed with my FWB for months thinking every little nuance meant something, thinking my situation was unique, it wasn’t and yours isnt either. He knows exactly how to get into a relationship, he was just in one. His mouth isn’t broken nor does he have an issue being vulnerable with you so his words are saying one thing but his actions another. You’re projecting a lot here. Get some distance for you. If he’s secretly in love with you the NC will expedite him coming clean, if not he’s just trying to get you back into your back up girl position and I think it’s safe to say you want more than that.

 

So good knowing you understand the complexity of these situations. But I do agree even as I started to look back on the whole thing. He'd contradicted himself a lot. He'd say " you're going to have my next child " then become distant and just this summer " in 20 years we'll be laughing at this etc " but never made it official. Would say " it's not just about the physical " so we'd spend time cuddling with no sex. His words hadn't matched his actions. And even during the conversation where he broke it off he said " I would feel the same way " When I said it was a slap in the face ( or maybe he just said that thinking it would ease my emotion idk). But I am thinking to stop responding to his calls and texts and start being outgoing again and going to events and traveling.

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You're right, I just expect him to be better at communicating at this point since we aren't physical. I haven't seen him in person so my anxiety of wondering if he suddenly stops responding, I wonder if he's ok but don't want to seem needy/inappropriate if I call which may appear " what are you up to, you're going to answer me " like a jealous crazed fling. After the situation with my cousin I just never want to feel that kind of guilt again.

 

I agree. But the interaction is helping but will take more time. I'm just wondering if I should respond first next time so it won't feel so weirdly sneaky if he always initates, but then again going no contact to me doesn't seem to help casual because I really want to move and get back to my old life, before him. A lot of time had been adjusted around fitting time in with him. It just feels so weird not to have that anymore. I just keep wondering if maybe I'm the one who's making it feel weird by not initiating welfare conversations. Maybe it seems like I am trying to get his attention or just saying things thinking it will cause some ill feelings ... I'm starting to think it's how I'm handling it that makes it feel so weird now too. Crazy thing is I was planning to text him to check up on him right before he text me.

 

You say you hear us but then in the next breath you go right back to analyzing.People dont analyze friendships in this manner. What you are doing is what people who want their exes back do. You keep trying to convince us and yourself its not what youre doing but look at your words, its EXACTLY what youre doing. This IS hurting you and you CANT handle it. Stop contacting this man. Give yourself some space. It doesnt have to be forever, but it does need to be until you arent hoping for reconciliation.

 

 

So good knowing you understand the complexity of these situations. But I do agree even as I started to look back on the whole thing. He'd contradicted himself a lot. He'd say " you're going to have my next child " then become distant and just this summer " in 20 years we'll be laughing at this etc " but never made it official. Would say " it's not just about the physical " so we'd spend time cuddling with no sex. His words hadn't matched his actions. And even during the conversation where he broke it off he said " I would feel the same way " When I said it was a slap in the face ( or maybe he just said that thinking it would ease my emotion idk). But I am thinking to stop responding to his calls and texts and start being outgoing again and going to events and traveling.

 

Very good idea!

 

And shame on him for saying those things.All that can be incredibly confusing.

 

You deserve someone who gives you more than pretty words and again if it turns out to be him, NC will expedite that. Staying in contact right now is working against you.

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Next time, do not settle for a FWB, if you want a relationship. Were you hoping the FWB would turn into something else? This rarely happens.

 

I agree. it was a jerky move for him to say those things, if he did not see a future with you. I would seriously rethink the 'friendship' with this guy.

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You say you hear us but then in the next breath you go right back to analyzing.People dont analyze friendships in this manner. What you are doing is what people who want their exes back do. You keep trying to convince us and yourself its not what youre doing but look at your words, its EXACTLY what youre doing. This IS hurting you and you CANT handle it. Stop contacting this man. Give yourself some space. It doesnt have to be forever, but it does need to be until you arent hoping for reconciliation.

 

 

 

 

Very good idea!

 

And shame on him for saying those things.All that can be incredibly confusing.

 

You deserve someone who gives you more than pretty words and again if it turns out to be him, NC will expedite that. Staying in contact right now is working against you.

 

I know it may seem like im.comtradicting myself but what I wanted to maintain was that friendship. Keep that support, encouragement etc. I do have a knack for overanalyzing, I've been trying to stop doing it but I do it with everything. I think it's because of my anxiety but have never went to a doctor about it because it's not severe, life-crippling. If he were to say " I don't care about you and your life, I don't want the friendship " ... I'd forget and block and be able to drop it....however, after almost 2 years of the friendship itself it is extremely hard just to be like " forget you and your life " from my standpoint. We've opened up about our childhood, fathers, depression etc that a lot of people in my life have no clue about. I'm not trying to reconcile and start the fwb again. I respect if he's trying to find love ( thats why I don't reach out at all hours because I don't want to be inappropriate and ruin that for him) but I just didn't want to lose the "friend" aspect, I had started to feel better and back to my old self when I was preparing to reach out first to see how he was doing. He just happened to beat me to the punch.

 

I didn't want to write a book about the whole friendship but it's not exactly cookie cutter. But I do understand I overanalyze every damn thing but it's a hard habit to break.

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Anxiety does not have to be "life crippling" to get help. I don't understand why you have not done something.

 

Why can'r you take a break until you have moved on from him? It is because you have feelings. You are only hurting yourself.

 

It is interesting how you respond to others, but not my posts. Hmmmm.

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Merged posts

 

I do understand I am analyzing things from an emotionally standpoint but i.am reading the advice and will take it. I know I am confused on how to handle it. But I do think expressing my thoughts is helping to unload them and see all of this from different unbiased points of view.

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Anxiety does not have to be "life crippling" to get help. I don't understand why you have not done something.

 

Why can'r you take a break until you have moved on from him? It is because you have feelings. You are only hurting yourself.

 

It is interesting how you respond to others, but not my posts. Hmmmm.

 

I'm trying to keep up with all the responses, I event left a comment how I'm still trying to figure this site out because I was responding as a solo comment when I was trying to respond to exact comments. It's nothing calculated but I have realized I need to talk to someone to become more calm in life/thoughts. It's just a denial in my community so I just grew up thinking " stop being so sensitive" like literally confided to family how I was depressed at times and was told I was too sensitive. It's so much deeper than it appears. But I want to improve and have been self-reflecting through this situation.

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Next time, do not settle for a FWB, if you want a relationship. Were you hoping the FWB would turn into something else? This rarely happens.

 

I agree. it was a jerky move for him to say those things, if he did not see a future with you. I would seriously rethink the 'friendship' with this guy.

 

Yeah the more I think things over, I started to think maybe I was just oblivious because of the bond but maybe he was confused and spoke too soon then got scared then started having doubts or saw a future but changed his mind. Although those things had been said awhile ago, we had some distance in between time but reconnected. The only difference now was that he said he met somebody as we started to get close again and I actually started having feelings but the more I think it over, the more i realize I should've been more vocal on the confusion and had " the talk"

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I'm trying to keep up with all the responses, I event left a comment how I'm still trying to figure this site out because I was responding as a solo comment when I was trying to respond to exact comments. It's nothing calculated but I have realized I need to talk to someone to become more calm in life/thoughts. It's just a denial in my community so I just grew up thinking " stop being so sensitive" like literally confided to family how I was depressed at times and was told I was too sensitive. It's so much deeper than it appears. But I want to improve and have been self-reflecting through this situation.

 

No problem... Many times people do not respond as they do not like what they are hearing.

 

OP, I have been in your shoes. It hurts to pursue a friendship when there are feelings. it doesn't work. If you guys are true friends, a little breather of 3-6 months, will put you in a better place.

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